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MyDearestPeanut

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Posts: 22
 #1 
It's not good.  Not good at all.  I can't seem to cope with this.  I picked out Peanut's favorite toys from the great pile she had in the living room and put the rest in a bag to store away.  But seeing that empty place was more painful than seeing the toys there so back they went.  Still can't bring myself to remove her food and water bowl.  They're still full of dry food and water although the water is starting to evaporate.

The poor little mite, she had cancer in her nose.  The tumor got so huge and then a second one grew right next to it.  She had so much trouble breathing these last several months that I was afraid she'd suffocate.  But she went bravely on, although she slowed down more and more as time went by.  The last few weeks she wouldn't leave my side.  Every time I went into another room she would follow me and I knew that was a sign that she was getting worse.  Then she started eating less and less.  The thing is, she would still beg for food.  I think she was hungry but probably lost her sense of smell because when I'd try to give her something to eat, she would turn her head away.  And, of course, it was probably becoming more and more painful for her to eat, even soft foods like ice cream.  The last few days she ate nothing but a few potato chips and that night had diarrhea with some blood in it.  I was so afraid she'd die of starvation that I told myself I had to bring her in to be put to sleep no matter how hard it was.  I'd already waited too long out of selfishness.

I still see myself calling the vet and then hurrying to put on her leash and bring her to the car.  I knew if I didn't do it then, I never would, but I can't help feeling as if I was walking her to her death.  She must have sensed that something was very wrong because she seemed so frightened and upset.  It all happened so quickly and it wasn't at all what I expected.  After they gave her the first shot, her breathing became so much more labored than usual and later on I thought that she must have been suffering for those 5-10 mins. before the final shot.  I hope I'm not upsetting anyone by describing this, please forgive me if I am.  It's just that I can't get that picture of her that way out of my mind.  I'd always thought she would just go peacefully to sleep but she didn't look peaceful at all when I finally looked at her face after it was over.  I'm sorry, but her face keeps haunting me.  How could I have let that happen to my precious baby?  I was so upset that I didn't realize at the time.  It just wasn't at all the way I wanted it to be for either one of us.

And her poor little nose.  I loved every square inch of her but her nose was always my favorite part.  I always told her it looked like a chocolate covered cherry and kissed it every chance I got.  Aw, God, why, why?

I'm sorry for going on this way but I have to get it out.  Please bear with me.  I just love her so much.  Rest in peace, my precious angel.  Love, Mommy


Luna13

Registered:
Posts: 846
 #2 
Oh my goodness, my heart is absolutely breaking for you.  Your love for your precious Peanut is so pure in your post, I can almost reach out and touch it.  I know how hard it is to lose a fur baby. But please try not to beat yourself up - remember that it was the love you have for Peanut that allowed you to give her that final gift of peace and set her soul free.  It's the hardest thing imaginable to do, and yet we do it because we love them.  I remember those first few days and weeks so well - it's pure agony.  You're on that very dark path of grief, but remember - you're not alone.  You do not have to go through this alone. I'm just so sorry.  I wish I could reach through this computer and give you a big hug.  I wish there was something, anything, I could say to ease your pain - even if just a little bit.  It would make my day.  You are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.  Come back as often as you need to - we're all here for you.  God Bless you and your precious Peanut.  Many hugs to you.

Gerlie (Gypsy and Luna's forever mom)
bugsdogs

Registered:
Posts: 1,288
 #3 
MyDearestPeanut,

No it isn't good, it won't be for a long time I am afraid. Such a loss of your wonderful little Peanut. You need to be patient with yourself, don't rush to do things too soon. I rushed getting rid of some things too soon and now I cannot change what is done.

I am so sorry that Peanut had to endure cancer, they should never have to go through that illness. I know those images of the last day will be with you for a long time, it takes a long time to let those go. Remember all of the great years you had together and know that is what she would want from you. Remember her "chocolate covered cherry" and all of the other great moments in your life together.

Sending you my best thoughts and want you to take care of yourself,
Helen
doodlebug

Registered:
Posts: 237
 #4 
Peanut's Mom:

I want to say something to comfort you but I know that nothing will do.  I understand and feel every bit of pain that came thru in your letter because I've had many of the same feelings in the past three weeks.  I'm so, so sorry.

The only thing I can say is this:  Please know that Peanut felt NOTHING after the first shot even if her breathing appeared to be labored.  Her breathing probably appeared to be more labored because she was in a much deeper sleep than her regular sleep - much like when people snore only when deeply asleep.  The first shot was essentially the same thing that we are given when we undergo surgery and, if you've ever had surgery, you know that we are totally unaware of our surroundings once we've been put under anesthesia. She was at peace when the vet gave her the second shot.

I hope that this helps a little.

Take care of yourself.  You did the right thing for Peanut although I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now.
Gus' mom



Daisymom

Registered:
Posts: 65
 #5 
Dear Peanut's Mom,

My dog had the exact same thing - a tumor in her sinus.  I can somewhat understand what you are going through.  I too had to put my dog to sleep and I don't think the images of that day will ever leave me.  My dog started to cry as the vet began to administer the medication.  It was very sad.  I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. 

I hope you know that you were not walking her to her death.  You were setting her free from her pain and suffering.  That is the greatest act of love that an owner can give to their pet. 

My heart goes out to you as you grieve.  The only thing I have to say is cry, be sad, and remember the good times.  This along with all the understanding poeple on this site will help you get through the tough times.

I still miss my Daisy (it will be 4 months on July 17) and I cry as I pass the exit for her vet on the highway, but the pain is not as bad.

Take care,

Daisy's Mom
oscarmom

Registered:
Posts: 192
 #6 
I wanted to express my sympathy because my bichon Oscar also had cancer in his nose. I well know what you went thru with that. his breathing became worse also,started getting nosebleeds, and we put him to sleep the morning we saw his face was beginning to swell from the tumor. I could not let my little guy hurt like that. you did the best thing for Peanut, freeing her from pain out of love. as my vet said about Oscar " you took him as far as he could go". I am so sorry for your loss of Peanut.


NinaMariasMom

Registered:
Posts: 567
 #7 
Peanuts Mom,

I cry with you during this time.  I truly understand.  It is the worse thing we have to do, but you did the right thing.   You did not want her to suffer anymore, no matter how much it hurt you.  I agree with Gus's mom, Peanut felt nothing after the first shot.   My vet told me before hand some things to expect and one was heavier breathing after the first shot.  Another thing was their pupils sometimes get bigger.   I'm glad she told me that because that's what happened to my Nina, if I hadn't known that I would have thought it was not a peaceful passing.   I hope this helps you.  I'm sorry if I upset anyone else reading this, but I thought perhaps that might be why Peanut did not look peaceful.   You gave her the greatest gift of all, no more pain.    Peanut will forever love you and she is at the Bridge with all our furbabies waiting to meet again. 

You leave Peanut's toys and dishes out as long as you want.   You will know when the time is right.  I still have certain toys of Nina's out.  I have a shelf in our cabinet that has some of her items and pictures.  Perhaps something like that will help you.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this time, I know it is very hard.  My heart goes out to you.  Come here as often as you need to, we are here for you.
Nina Maria's Mom
imissmyLou

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #8 
MyDearestPeanut,

I am so sorry for your loss and if there was something I could do besides pray I would. My advise is look for the silver lining, right now might be to soon and raw. When ever I got so down after Louie died I would just think the worst, I would beat myself up and think so poorly of the choices I made with Louie and think of all the things I wish I could change. Than God would humble me and have me meet someone or hear someone’s story on this website that would make me think “things could have been worse“. Louie got really sick one day and I took him to the vet and they told me he had a massive infection and that he could die. He seemed o be getting better but the next morning he took a turn for the worse. The infection moved to his brain and left him paralyzed. his eyes and ears were alert and he knew it was me when I came to see him. When your thrown into this situation and not expecting it at all, it is so hard. I choose not to be with him when they gave him the shot for selfish reasons I just could not wrap my brain around it. Than as soon as I left I wanted to be there, but it was to late. I left my dying best friend because I was chicken and it tears me up till this day. I feel horrible! Reading you post made me cry and at the same time made me feel like maybe it was best that I was not there that day. Keep coming here you will find comfort and the people here are so kind, nice, compassionate, they make you feel so good and not alone. We all are grieving and understand how you feel. We all have our bad days. The pain will ease but the longing for your companion will always pain your heart. I hope, wish and pray the best for you.

~d Louie’s Mom

MyDearestPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #9 
Thank you all so much for your kindness and support.  I seem to be hanging out here an awful lot the past few days.  My heart also breaks for all of you as I read your letters.

So you really think Peanut wasn't suffering after that first shot?  I don't want to get too graphic for fear of scaring anyone but her body went completely limp in my arms and she started to pant horribly.  Then they laid her on the table to administer the second shot and she was gone in an instant.  When I lifted my head up after sobbing by her side, I looked at her face and her little tongue was hanging out of her mouth and her eyes were wide open and looked so frightened.  She looked awful.  I always assumed she would close her eyes and go gently to sleep, but that doesn't seem to be what happened.  (If the moderator thinks this is too upsetting, please don't hesitate to remove it.)

In the past, I always waited in the waiting room while my pets were put to sleep.  It wasn't a whole lot better by any means, but I didn't have that awful image to haunt me later on.  With Peanut, I just couldn't let her go with no one but strangers around her. 

As I look around this site and see the pictures of everyone's dear ones, I start to cry all over again because they're all so adorable.  I can easily imagine falling in love with each one of them and it hurts my heart that they're gone.  Please know that I feel your pain very keenly and hope that my sharing in it will lessen it somewhat for you.  I am very proud to know all of you, although I wish it was under better circumstances.

My eternal thanks,
Marie
Peanut's Mommy

maryjos

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #10 
Marie, have you talked to the vet that put Peanut to sleep? Often they can answer any questions you might have. Don't worry too much about how they look after death. The eyes do not close as you might think they would, the muscles all relax and this often causes a grimace, the wide eyes, and not-too-peaceful look. It's normal and not an indication of any discomfort. I can't say for sure what went on with the first injection...normally only one injection is used unless a sedative is needed, but not sure that was the case here, but I'm sure nothing would have been done that would cause her more pain. It can be hard indeed to put that final image out of your mind, I know I had a hard time for awhile remembering Taz that way (I lost him so suddenly, I just had to spend some time holding on my lap, even with him all limp with his tongue hanging out and his eyes still open). Even now, it's hard to think about. So I try to spend plenty of time each day looking at photos of him alive and vital and happy and focus on remembering him that way instead.




Taz, Dearly loved by Mary Jo, 4/28/95-5/25/08
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AngelFester

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #11 
i'm so sorry and i so get it. my baby Fester died in my arms 6 days ago. i had a traveling vet come to my house. she told me his eyes wouldn't shut. he went so limp and floppy. i wrapped him in his blanket. the part that haunts me is the man from the crematorium who was waiting to take him. i handed my baby to a strange man. that has been haunting me. not only did i give my baby to a strange man, i PAID him to take him. i'm waiting for his ashes now. i know i'm going to lose it. i feel so guilty for giving him to a stranger. but i do know that it is normal to focus on one thing and to feel awful about it. you loved your baby and your baby loved you. in movies and t.v. we see people die and then we see the funeral. we're dealing with the in between, the part they don't show. it's shocking and hard. hang in there.
RobynMissesSaxon

Registered:
Posts: 148
 #12 
Wow, I guess no matter what you do you feel guilty or like you made a mistake. I buried my little guy and now I'm having second thoughts about it. I think  "what if I move?" I want him with me. I wonder if cremation would have been better but then the thought of handing my angel over to someone else to cremate him is a nightmare too. You can't win no matter what you do.
maryjos

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #13 
That's exactly it, when you are in pain, nothing seems right. I had huge regrets after losing Taz, I was soooo unprepared for him to go suddenly like that, and just left him at the vet's to be cremated. I realized I'd never gotten an impression of his pawprint (had the kit to do it and hadn't gotten around to it!) so called the vet and asked if I could call the crematorium and see if they could do that, and maybe take some additional fur clippings. They wouldn't give me the number but said they would try to check. By the time they got around to it, it was too late. So I really beat myself up with thoughts of why I didn't bring him home with me and take care of the cremation myself (there is a place near me that does private ones, you can have them pick up your pet, or even come and wait while they do it) and done all the other things I thought about too late. Yet I know in my heart how difficult it would have been driving home with him (it was hard enough, and I had no one to come get me). I got a lovely urn from AngelAshes that sits on my nightstand but I still can't decide if it comforts me to have him near or just is a sad reminder of losing him. Just today, I got this special wooden box that I had made to hold all his items I wanted to save...his favorite toy, his car harness, leash, bandanna (never to be washed, still has his hair and scent on it) a baggy with the bit of hair I clipped in it and another with what hair I could collect off the floor (kind of gross I know, but I wanted whatever of him I could find!) and I thought it would be nice to have these all in a little box to remember him by, but it just broke my heart seeing his life condensed into that little space, it just seemed like so little in comparison to how much he meant. So I do think that this is just a part of grieving, you keep trying to find things to fill the ache and hurt and pain, and that just really isn't possible.




Taz, Dearly loved by Mary Jo, 4/28/95-5/25/08
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MyDearestPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #14 
I agree - no matter what you do at a time like that, there are always regrets and doubts.  I keep asking myself if I should have waited until Monday when her regular vet was in.  I don't like his associate, who happened to be on call that day.  He was laughing in the hallway with the assistants, then made a very brief stop in the exam room and tried to look appropriately solemn.  He didn't even touch Peanut, just stood there looking at us, then left.  It must have been one of the assistants who performed the euthanasia because, as far as I know, there are only the two vets in that practice.  That's another reason why I'm wondering if she knew what she was doing.  I suppose I should call to find out but I'm even having doubts about that.  Peanut is gone and nothing is going to bring her back.  It's probably better if I don't find out anything that would only upset me more.

I took fur clippings, too.  Some were taken a while ago and then, before I put her leash on for that final trip, I brushed her fluffy head and ears because I haven't taken her to the groomer or bathed her in a long time not wanting to put her through all that, and I took another snippet.  I put her brush, still with her fur in it, in a plastic baggie.  I keep taking it out to smell it but it doesn't really have any scent anymore.  And I kiss the inside of her collar because it was against her.  I don't even remember taking it off her in the vet's office but I must have done.

Keep looking around the house trying to find something of hers that I don't already have.  She was a poodle so didn't shed.  If she did, I would have been scraping that up too, as so many others here have done.

In many ways, it's getting harder instead of easier.  I guess this must be another part of the grieving process.  Hope no one minds if I just ramble on.  It's kind of nice to be able to come here and 'talk' about her.

I hope everyone is finding a bit of peace today, however small. 

Marie
Peanut's Mommy

MrMeowgy

Registered:
Posts: 763
 #15 
Dearest Marie, your post really touched my heart. Please bear with me.
 My beloved Mr. Meowgy passed suddenly 17 weeks ago today. I thought he was having an insulin issue and rushed him to the vet having no idea that would be the last time I would see him alive. I left, called, he was doing better but had had a heart attack ( or several). Called again a little later and was told he had taken a a turn for the worse and we should come in to make a decision. When we got there, the assistant, who loved Mr. Meowgy, opened the door and said "I'm sorry, but he passed." She seemed so cold all of a sudden.
I expected to see my boy looking peaceful, like he was sleeping. NO! His eyes were open, his mouth open in a grimace. I was shocked. MaryJos post was helpful to me and I hope it is for you too. I guess that is the way it happens so our darlings were not unusual.
The next day I called the vet and asked for all Mr. Meowgy's records. I didn't want anything with his name on it going in the garbage. I also wanted an official record of what happened and what was done to help him. The vet had explained everything to me that day but I didn't hear a thing correctly. I don't know how many times I read that report. But it did help having it.
I was so thankful my boy didn't suffer long, what I had seen in 45 minutes that morning was more than enough.
I have all of Mr. Meowgy's things. I have some of the dry food in the bowl he ate from that morning, his toys, fur from his brush and from his favorite chair, etc. Keep everything you want for as long as you want. I still do little routines even though I don't have to any more. I just don't want to stop doing them.
Please don't feel that you are rambling. You are brokenhearted and devastated and need to talk about it. We all do. That is why we come to this site over and over. I do think it gets worse as time goes on. It has for me.
Please know you had no choice whatsoever. You could not let your sweet Peanut suffer any longer. Our babies are free from pain and running and playing together. I hope we will be with them again someday. I wish you peace and comfort. Donna, Mr. Meowgy's mom
ChicosMommy

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #16 
Hi. Im new here. I put me best friend, Chico, a 15 yr old Shepherd mix, to sleep today. Needless to say, I am a wreck. I have had feelings of wishing the vet had a shot for me too.

When the vet(who came to my home, bless her) gave the first shot, the sedative, he laid down, but when she began to shave his leg, to administer the IV for the med that would stop the heart, he snarled and showed his teeth. I thought they were supposed to be more sedated than that. It was disturbing. I opted to leave before the final drug was given, as it was a nightmare for my friend. In a way I wish I had stayed, but did not want a bad experience branded into my memory. When he was gone, his mouth was shut, but eyes were open. I questioned that also. It makes sense now.

Yes, we all look back and question how and why, and the way we did things. I dont want to steal this thread, so I will start a new one on my beloved boy.
MyDearestPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #17 
Thank you so much, Donna and Chico's Mommy.  I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious babies, Mr. Meowgy and Chico.  Your words are comforting and I'm glad you wrote.

From all that I'm hearing, I guess it's not unusual for them to die looking less than peaceful.  I suppose it depends on a lot of things.  So glad I wrote about this because although I can't forget how she looked, I'm now trying hard not to focus on that.  It really helps so much to hear from others.

Chico's Mommy, yeah, I've been feeling like a shot for me would have been the kindest thing, too.  And you're not stealing this thread.  Write whatever you want, whenever you want.  My thoughts and prayers (finally able to pray a little) are with you, Donna, and all here who are suffering so much pain.  Hold on tight.

Hugs,
Marie
Peanut's Mommy
RobynMissesSaxon

Registered:
Posts: 148
 #18 
I'm sorry Chico's mommy. I know how tough it is. Everyone here does. When I found my baby last Sunday his sweet eyes were open and his mouth was open a little. I thought he looked sweet but then I can't help it. We are all here for you.
Gypsymagic

Registered:
Posts: 219
 #19 

If you haven't had to face the decision for PTS yet, but you know it's coming soon, TALK to your vet! When I read some of the descriptions here I am so grateful for the gentle kindness of our vets. IF the sedative is given first, very very very slowly, they will slip into a deep sleep--or Layla did. She was totally unaware of that second shot that ended her life. The vet didn't rush anything. I had time to hold her before, they put in the IV and I was given more time to cuddle her in my arms--as long as I needed--and then they came back and together we put the blanket on the table and they continued to allow us to kiss and love on her. They explained her eyes wouldn't automatically close--I already knew that since I had to close my mother's eyes when she died, so it was okay. My Layla looked peaceful, no reflex movements at all. We stayed as long as we needed to, then got them to come in and take over. This can be done gently--the vet needs to know how much it matters to you that the passing doesn't leave you with a bad memory or cause any trauma for the dog. They have to set aside TIME for it, preferably at the end of the day. I would have been even more of a basketcase if the things had happened to us that happened to some of you when you had to make that awful last decision.

randy

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #20 
I'm so sorry.  Please take comfort in the fact that others understand and care.  I do understand the pain and share to the extent that I can.

Best wishes for YOU.

Randy

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