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Prawncoktail

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Posts: 32
 #1 
Iv'e debated whether or not i should write this post given the fact that just a few days ago my world fell apart.
However, it's partly why i decided i should.

My problem i guess you could call it, is that i'm stuck.
I'm in this state of denial, and it's somewhat infuriating.

I was told Monday the 16th that i stood to lose my Libby in very recent times.
From knowing that fact, i was beyond devastated, i wracked myself with guilt, cried myself silly, and questioned every waking moment i had before i knew this 'fact'.
The day came when my girl went to sleep (Wednesday) and i was there with her when she closed her eyes.
Obviously i was a wreck.

However, this is where things shift - Since her passing, i have been so transfixed on gathering her life to a memory box, that i think a part of me has slipped into denial. I did much the same when i was younger, and my granddad fell ill, i wasn't there to be part of it, so when he passed, i 'claimed' everything of his, and based my life at the time to make up for the loss i felt even though at the time i felt so numb. (It was as though, because i phased out his passing, i was telling myself he was still there with having everything of his in my home' even though, now, after all these years, i feel like i have 'forgotten' anything about him, and the time he was ill, due to my repressing any memory.

So now, once I realised that once my girl was gone, that i wouldn't see her round the house anymore, and subconsciously maybe, i felt i needed to see her as part of my daily life from that point, so iv'e put her pictures up all round the house - which is nice, i get to see her wherever i go, and when i feel like i want to talk to her, i write her a letter and put it in her memory box.

But now, just a few days after the day my world fell apart, i find myself numb, i have no tears, no gut wrenching sickness, nothing.
I'm just in a daze.
My partner thinks it's part due to the fact we have 2 other dogs, and need to keep things generally normal for them, mixed with the fact my mind is protecting me from being overwhelmed.

But i don't know.
Inside i know i am in pieces, i know my heart is broken, and that i am screaming to show some sort of emotion, but i can't.
I can't cry, and when i try to remember her, or things from our past together, i can't.
Iv'e just got this wash of 'i don't know' over me and it's driving me mad!
I want to grieve like i need to, i want to cry, and show my baby that her life was everything to me. 

I don't really know if there's a question to all of this, maybe there is, i don't know, i just know that what i'm feeling is numb, and it's making me feel like i'm a terrible person.

Am i alone in having this phase of nothingness, or have others been there too? 
How do i change it? - How do i become human again?


christina877

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Posts: 5
 #2 
Take one day at a time and try talking to others about it who will support you. It’s so hard losing a pet especially one who you were very close to. Remember that what you’re feeling is normal and that you will get through this.
VickyMJ

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #3 
Oh I’m so sorry, I wish I could give you a hug.

Through reading your post I’m just left thinking that all what you are feeling (or not feeling) is just so normal and part of the grief. Us humans grieve in so many different ways. I’m the opposite to you, I can’t look at pictures, I’ve had to change a lot in the house as everything being the same was making me feel worse, if that was possible. Then I start beating myself up for being this way.

I know me saying that probably doesn’t help you right now but it is very clear that your baby was your world and she knows that.

My world fell apart on Wednesday this week and I’m barely functioning, but I just want you to know that I am thinking of you.

Vicky x
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #4 
Thankyou Christina877
 
i appreciate your reply, it is certainly hard having lost my baby, but it makes me feel worse that i can't grieve like i need to.
Maybe in time it will come.
Thankyou though 
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #5 
Thankyou Vicky

What you wrote was a comfort to me, Libby was and always will be my everything, but the fact i can't grieve like need to makes me feel less of a dad to her.
Everything has stayed the same in most part at least aesthetically as Coco and Toffee need things to be as normal as we can manage for them, i know that they're grieving too, i can see that, but i don't want to add stress to that too.
I'm finding myself looking for answers to my numbness everywhere, and everything and everyone say it's normal, even though it doesn't feel it.
Last night i listened to one of my favourite songs, (A sad song albeit) And had a glass of vodka, i managed to cry a bit, and my goodness, i could feel the pain pour out, but then again, stumped.
I went to bed, and have felt numb again still.

I do't know how long i'll feel like this, but i hope it passes soon, i need my Libby to know she was everything to me, but showing her how much her presence is missed.

I'm sorry for what you're going through too - Wednesday was not a good day at all, but your baby, as mine both knew how much we loved them, and can at least take small comfort in knowing that while they were physically here, they were the happiest we could make them, as they did us.

Sending you warm wishes Vicky, and i hope you'll find comfort at some point..

Thankyou again x
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #6 
Dear Prawncoktail,
You certainly aren't alone with how you feel and think and struggle with it all.
Days and days after my baby boy passed I stopped crying all day, then it happened less times, it sure confused me and I didn't like it. I mean I don't like crying in general and most of the times I probably hold myself back from doing it, but I didn't understand why it happened less. I've read about others crying month after they furbaby passed, so I felt something was wrong here. I didn't wanna feel better and I knew I didn't get over him and I still miss him terribly. Then a week later when his ashes arrived, I've lost it and cried my eyes out. Then eventually I've started to cry occasionally so I felt some relief that I could still cry over him. And of course I can. It still hurts so much. There are certain things that triggers my emotions, and that's when crying happens again. You might find things like that at some point, and then you'll know you can cry again. Might even take time, but I understand that you don't feel good about it.

I also don't remember as many things with my baby boy as I'd like to. And that is one other reason why I've started to write a journal.

"I want to grieve like i need to, i want to cry, and show my baby that her life was everything to me."
I actually don't know how to grieve properly. But people say what I'm going through is part of grieving, the questioning, the guilt, the ups and downs and so on.
I do wanna cry too but I don't like crying. I wish I could get to the part sooner where I think of him with a big smile on my face, and much less sadness. 
I assume there's a chance you showed your baby that her life was everything to you, while she was still alive..!? 

I have a good feeling and others say it to, our furbabies don't want us to struggle anymore and be so sad and heartbroken. 

I know it's all easier to say then done, and I'm hoping I could live by my own advices, but it takes time.
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #7 
One more thought, 
GNC, a volunteer supporter (wolf) from this site wrote me this to one of my post and it sticked with me:
"Memories fade with time for most people.  It isn't a matter that we stop caring, or grieving, that's just the way our human brains are designed.  I think that it is mostly a blessing.  If we had to carry the highest intensity of misery that we felt for each of the bad things that happen to us, every minute of the day, throughout our lives, we wouldn't survive for very long.  Even as the emotion of grief lessens, we still do love and miss our lost friends as we did before.  While we don't express our emotions so intensely, they are still in our hearts."

I don't think I could've put it in words any better.
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #8 
Heartbroken12 - 

Thankyou! 

It's assuring to know that what i'm feeling isn't just me being a bad dad! - We're yet to receive Libbys ashes, yet i'm certain that it will hurt a hell of a lot! 
I see what you mean about having certain times when it hits me, already iv'e had the odd impact blow from chatting to her while i walked round the house.
Also when i took a deep breath from her blanket she lay on the days before she passed, and just writing this now, i can feel myself being kicked in the stomach, my eyes welling up, but these tears just won't roll.
My partner and i both showed Libby how much she meant to us generally through life, i'd never let her have human food from the day i got her, but she did love a slice of cucumber, or a piece of fruit.
She always made me laugh how she'd eat her apple with just her front teeth!
I appreciate your kind words, and advice, and certainly do take note to what you wrote last via the quote.
It's very much true, that much is for sure, but it's still difficult to remember something like that when you're screaming to shed this pain.

None the less, writing my reply to you caused some movement in my heart, and gave me some fond memories i previously struggled to remember, so i thank you for that, as well as your response.

I hope you're coping well.
Sending you warm wishes.

HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #9 
Dear Prawncoktail,

I just read some of your previous posts and few things I wanted to copy and paste for you. 
I wish in someway I could easy your guilt of feeling like a bad dad for Libby.

The words I read from you sounds the exact opposite to me. Feels like Libby was lucky to have not just one loving Dad in her life, but two!
You coming here before her passing and asking for support and advices means love to me, not being a bad dad.
Here are couple of words you posted, which also makes me think that you did what you could, you gave her a good, loving life and not even mentioning the fact that you rescued her from a dog rescue center! 

"she's always been a happy, loving, funny dog, that's always made happy..
I don't feel mentally stable, i don't feel like i'm adult enough to make a decision like this...
No one, nothing, will ease this devastation, but my god, do i need some advice with how to deal with this..
I don't know what to do, and it's breaking me!
I am beyond broken, devastated, and confused."

In my opinion these are caring and loving words! 
Then you've mentioned that you spent most of the night lay in the doorway with your babies, crying your heart out, and laid on the sofa by Libby for supporting her and telling her: "that no matter what she needs to be happy, and comfortable, and that if it's her time, i understand."

You also wrote that you "had a chat with Libby, and told her not to be scared, and that no matter what i love her, and she'll always be with me."

"I will never know a love, like the love i feel for my Girl." This was even sweet to read.

And you certainly didn't sound like over reacting! 
It's fortunate that you have a partner who's now supporting and taking care of you, and who feels your pain since he lost his baby too!

When you said that you and your partner showed Libby how much she meant to you generally through life, I'm assuming you did that in a comforting and again loving way. 

I appreciate your kind words, certainly touched my heart and makes me feel good for being able to support others!
"None the less, writing my reply to you caused some movement in my heart, and gave me some fond memories i previously struggled to remember, so i thank you for that, as well as your response." Thank you! 


Have you two been to the Monday chatroom yet? It's happening tonight at 10pm Eastern time. I would think it could make you cry and even remember those memories you are struggling to remember. Just a thought and would be nice to say hi to you both there.
Sending blessings to you Libby's Dads and Coco and Toffee! 🌼
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #10 
Thankyou again HeartBroken12

It always means so much when you put such meaningful effort into your replies - It means a lot!.
Iv'e just sat her reading your reply, and the tears have been pouring, somehow you managed to show that i'm human again.
What i meant by showing Libby generally our love, was by just life, we were both obsessed with her, millions of kisses, hugs, treats, toys, anything - Whenever we went shopping, which for me, is a lot, we'd always buy the girls a chew, bone, or a toy! We'd forever be talking about them, and would hate to think they were in any way unhappy.
If we were to go out for a few hours, my mom would come babysit, sometimes with my Dad, they loved Libby too, especially my Dad, but they would always have someone loving around them, and Libby never wanted for anything - The reason i never mention that i 'rescued' her from a centre, i guess because she was the one rescuing me.
At the time i got her, i was dealing with the depths of being manic depressive, and well, Libby saved me so many times, i'll never be able to repay her for what she did for me, without even knowing.

Iv'e not been in the chat room as of yet, in all honesty iv'e not been talking to anyone since Libby went to sleep, unless on here - i can't face the chit chat, and the pretence most people expect, however, perhaps tonight i will try.

Again, thankyou for your kindest of words, and know that you really do help with what you say, and create comfort for me in my darkest hour.
Both of Libby's Dads, Toffee, and Coco thank you, and send you our warmest wishes, as i'm sure Libby would too!.

X
VickyMJ

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #11 
There’s no more I can add to what HeartBroken12 has said so well.

Reading through both your replies, it certainly touched my heart that’s for sure. Especially when you say that Libby loved cucumber and a piece of fruit, how cute. The first thing that came into my head was how Raisin liked crisps! Would always come running when he heard a bag being opened.

I haven’t cried much today, and feeling guilty about that, but I’m still hurting like hell.

We don’t make this easy for ourselves do we!

Vicky x
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #12 
Vicky - 
Bless you, thankyou for replying with your kind words! 
Libby always made me laugh when she'd eat fruit, the other 2 would just swallow it down, wouldn't even touch the sides, but Libby always nibbled it with her front teeth like she wanted to be posh!
There are so many things she did that made me laugh - She was amazing on ever level!

I think it's super cute that Raisin liked crisps! It did give me a smile reading that, and i love the name!! 
Don't feel guilty about not crying much, or at all, i'm now proof that it doesn't last forever - I think it's just our mind or our hearts entering a different stage of grief, as now i cry more at small things whereas the other day, i couldn't cry at all.

No one can change the pain you're going through, that's true to you, but with or without tears Raisin knows how much you loved him! That's something that'll never change! 

We certainly don't, but i wouldn't change a second of my life with Libby for anything in the world, the fact i'm feeling like i am just demonstrates how much our babies mean to us.

Sending you warm wishes Vicky.
X
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #13 
Dear Prawncoktail,
Thank you for your reply and I'm truly glad my words are meaningful to you! For the first time I could be even proud of myself for making someone cry! =) Well you know what I mean. 
You've just posted more facts why it sounds like Libby was truly loved. Not leaving her home alone but with your family while you guys are away, buying her millions of toys, treats... anything, whenever you went shopping even tho it isn't your favorite thing to do you've always thought of your girls. 
Your words on rescuing sweet Libby are sweet:
"The reason i never mention that i 'rescued' her from a centre, i guess because she was the one rescuing me." 
I hope you were able to work on being manic depressive and it doesn't rerurn..
You have mentioned that: "i'll never be able to repay her for what she did for me" In my own opinion you have saved her from the rescue center, giving her a loving home and family, much love and caring. I understand tho what you meant by she was saving you. 
I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with pretence most people expect, but I wouldn't think you'd have to worry about that on here. I was looking for you guys in the chatroom on Monday.
I hope you don't mind me copy and paste here what you write but certain things sticks to me and I like the way you express it.
"I think it's just our mind or our hearts entering a different stage of grief" I couldn't say that better and it's certainly supportive to keep in mind. 
I also like what you wrote to Vicky and hoping you can keep that in mind/heart for yourself! "but with or without tears Raisin knows how much you loved him! That's something that'll never change!"
I realise how much easier to give supportive advices to others, but most of us tends to fail when it comes to our own self healing.
It really means a lot knowing that I can be support for others and some do appreciate it as well. Thank you for saying that!
Btw my baby boy loved apples too! He just stood next to me when I was cutting up some apples and almost patiently waited for his share. It was sweet.
I could visualize Libby eating her apple with just her front teeth and putting a big smile on your face.
I have a feeling that today must have been harder for all of you.. and if we could heal our babies with our love for them, then both of our "kids" would still be around..
Blessings to you Libby's Dads, Toffee, and Coco 🍀
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #14 
Thankyou again HeartBroken12 

I know what you mean,, you did a good job :)
- Libby was and still is our second breath, meaning she was always thought about, always spoke about, she was as second nature to us, as breathing is to us - Ass are the other two.
I worked hard on my Depression, Diagnosed with Bi-Polar, but am stable, and thankful for everything in life which i have, and have been on the right road for a few years now :)
In all honesty, everyone on here which iv'e spoken to has been so kind, i was saying to my partner how rich with kind words people are on here, it's a terrible thing that brings us all to to this forum, but those that it does bring not only care so deeply for their babies, but they truly are kind genuine people.
It's very much appreciated what you do by way of copy and paste, it helps tremendously i find, sometimes when we write to people, we don't usually take a minute to think about what w said, so when you c/p things iv'e written it makes me see, and take in what i said on a different level.  So thankyou again.
I've always been a person who's better to give advice than to take it, i don't know why, but for myself, it's that much harder.. Who knows.
It's funny how our babies liked Apple, it's funny how to them these things are serious, but so many things they do tend to make us laugh or smile for a reason different to their own.
Today's been stale i suppose i would say, i don't seem to have moved on from anything even though sometimes it feels like maybe i have 'entered that different stage', but i talk and think about Libby just as much, (I have her picture by the side of my bed) So she's the first thing i see, and the last thing i see just how it was in real life as she slept either on, or next to the bed. 
We found out however that Libby isn't due to return home until next week, so that's been a bit of a struggle to deal with, as other than wanting her back in her rightful place, we need her to grieve properly too.
but in spite of that we were talking about how in the future, possibly next year we'd like to rescue another dog - Libby was a German Shepard cross Labrador, so we were saying a labrador would be nice when the time comes, especially as we already have one Chocolate Lab (Coco) And Toffee being a fox terrier/lurcher - But we know a Lab would be fine with us here. 
But that's not until the future, like i said to my Partner, right now, i want Libby home.
Thankyou for the Blessings, and for your lovely reply.

I hope you and your partner are coping well.
Sending you warm wishes as always.
X
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #15 
Hello again Prawncoktail and family 🌷
I thought of you guys and wondering are you all doing?
Glad to hear you were able to work on your depression and having those supports made it better.

It truly means a lot when you say that my words and thoughts are helping you! Trying to help and support others comes naturally to me, something I've always been interested doing, might even overdo sometimes it feels like. I know this should come to me without any expectations or hope of others giving me feedbacks and letting me know that I was able to help in any way.

"It's very much appreciated what you do by way of copy and paste, it helps tremendously i find, sometimes when we write to people, we don't usually take a minute to think about what w said, so when you c/p things iv'e written it makes me see, and take in what i said on a different level.  So thankyou again."
Your kind words certainly are reassuring to me, knowing that I am able to support. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for thank you's, but more of knowing that my attempts to support are appreciated in someway. Hope it makes sense. 

I have a feeling and also noticing that for most of us it's easier to give advice then to take it. I'm just like that too.
This makes me think if I start writing a journal about life's challenges in general, then reading it back might give me a different perspective as well, just as you've mentioned. 

Sounds like Libby is "returning" this week..?
Not sure if I have mentioned yet, but the urn my baby's ashes returned just wasn't acceptable in my opinion, so I've ordered one from amazon.com. It's a sweet looking one, kinda like beige color and it says "Dogs Leave Paw Prints On Your Heart Forever". Also there's a little place for a picture.
I didn't know or thought that you can order urn, until someone here mentioned it. 

I think it's really great and fortunate when humans can open their heart and home for an other furbaby! I certainly know I'm not ready and I'm choosing not to go through this heart wrenching loss again, but knowing the fact how many furkids needs loving home and care, makes me sad..
Even tho I have lost one doggie in a past, if I didn't open myself up for an other one, I would have never experienced all that I had with my recent baby. He was everything to me!
If I knew he would come back (if you believe in reincarnation) then I wouldn't think twice to bring him home!

Blessings and thoughtful wishes to you both and the kids 🐾
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #16 
HeartBroken12 - Thankyou for thinking of us, i was actually just wondering how you were too, and noticed you'd written - So thankyou again.
We're coping, Yesterday marked the day which our Libby came home.
I thought it would be hard, i mean it was, but it was warming in a way, because our family is complete again, or at least near enough.
Your thoughts and kind words tend to be healing to me, they're like warmth in the cold of the sadness, so i/we thankyou for always being so kind.
Your helping me, and others is a wonderful gift, and a reassuring one when sometimes it seems there's a shortage to kindness it's welcoming to hear of someone who naturally cares - Especially when you're going through the same pain.
I'm usually better at giving advice generally, iv'e not really said much on this forum by way of 'helpful' words, as i'm still so new and unsure about what i'm living to offer feedback to it, but in time it'd be ice to repay the kindness iv'e received so often on here.
Well, that sounds lovely, and i understand what you mean by way of saying the urn wasn't acceptable - I was shopping for picture frames today for Libby's shrine and i said much the same.
I'm sure your baby would more than appreciate the effort you're going to in order to make sure their 'resting space' is the best you can make it.
I hadn't any idea you could return it either - Libby came home in a beautiful wooden urn with a gold plaque stating her name, it's simple but very tasteful, although smaller than i had thought.

I completely understand how you feel regarding another furbaby into our lives, on one hand it seems a betrayal, on another it seems unfair as the new baby wouldn't perhaps be looked as with the eyes of 'you're not the baby i lost' - But then i remember how it was when i met Libby and Toffee. 
I know the rescue places do all they can, but nothing compares to the love a furbaby can receive when they're taken into the family, and vice-versa, i know both Toffee, and Coco would like a new family member, i know Coco especially would love a friend to play ball with, but i also know that Libby would be appreciative of the fact there's another chance for a pup out there, i don't bare think about how they must feel in those homes - But in time, when we're ready we will add to our family, not as a replacement, but as giving us all another chance i suppose.

I do hope you're both coping as well as can be expected, you're in my thoughts.
Sending you warm wishes.

HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #17 
🐾 Dear Libby's Family 🐾

Thank you for thinking of me and replying back!

Glad to hear your baby "went" home. I remember how much I "lost it" when my baby's ashes arrived home. Couldn't stop crying. I was kinda scared or worried to hold the urn and it did hit me all over again that he is really gone. Then I needed some help (emotionally) to change the urns out. I now have a special place for his ashes in my home.

Your words are so very kind, I so much appreciate them! Thank you!

I found a quote on a different pet loss site and wanted to share it with you guys. I thought I already have but didn't see it on the forum, unless I posted it somewhere else.
 "I say I miss you all the time but really that just doesn't cover it. You are missing from my world and there just aren't any words that could describe how truly difficult it is most days to exist without you. It gets better but even that has it's own hurt too..."
I couldn't say it any better.

How's little Toffee and Coco doing? Super cute names for furbabies =)

Hugs and blessings to you all!
Prawncoktail

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #18 
HeartBroken12
- It's nice that he has a place in your home with an urn that fits in with what you desire.
I thought it'd hit me harder having her come home like that, but i think in some way i found comfort in the fact she was home again, regardless of what capacity I suppose.
I set up a shrine with her pictures, some candles, and her urn, it's nice because i spend a lot of time just staring at her and smiling, thinking of nice times we had... I don't cry as much anymore, i still have outbursts, but i think of happier memories now, which is a 2 sided coin, because i hate that i have to think of her as a memory as opposed to having her here for me to hug, but then it's nice that I'm able to remember her in a good way.

I'm glad that you appreciate my words, as i do yours, it's somewhat comforting that out of a dire situation we've managed to find time to help one another in what way we can.
I appreciate that quote, it's very fitting, i agree! - I was saying to my partner, that one day when we're ready to take a new baby into our home, they won't be replacing Libby in any way, but they will be creating their own place in our hearts, and our family - With Libby's blessing i'm sure.

I've decided that for my birthday next month, I'm spending the day at the dog rescue centre, taking toys, blankets and such, i know Libby would be happy about that, and it's a nice thing to do too, then come home and have time with my girls. :)

Toffee and Coco (Thanks for the compliment) are fine - Toffee hasn't eaten a full meal since Libby's passing, she always leaves a little, which is sad, Coco is her usual crazy self, happy and loving, sometimes she'll lick Libby's picture by the side of my bed, or stare at the one in the living room, she misses her too, we all do.

How are you and your husband bearing up?
I hope you're both coping in what way you can, it's nice that you have one another for support.

Sending you warm wishes.
HeartBroken12

Registered:
Posts: 158
 #19 
Hello again Libby's Family 🐾
It's such a sweet idea of setting up a shrine for her! I set up his urn with a candle, a little bag with few of his things like the treats he loved so much, few pieces of his hair I found laying around in the house, little rocks he liked ... sometimes I bring him flowers too. 
I don't cry as much either, I think mainly I keep holding myself back from it, but it does hits me at times. I still hate the fact when I'm burning a candle front of his picture, it's so painful..
I envy when people can look at pictures, thinking of happy memories and smile! I'm still stuck on the sad, last days of his life. Not sure how to get unstuck from that and start thinking of happy times, specially with a smile on my face.
I do like your comment on: "i think of happier memories now, which is a 2 sided coin, because i hate that i have to think of her as a memory as opposed to having her here for me to hug, but then it's nice that I'm able to remember her in a good way." I don't like the fact that you'll have to think of her as memory, but the way you put these thoughts in writing. If that makes sense.
Sounds like your new baby - whenever you'll be ready - will be lucky to be a part of your family!
You sound like such a loving human being! Spending your Birthday at the dog rescue center, taking toys, blankets and stuff, specially knowing that Libby would be happy about that, is a very loving thing to do. It is comforting to know that there are kind and loving humans are out there like you and I assume your partner. 
Your Birthday is in December?
I hope Toffee will get back eating normal again and get back to her regular self. When you said she always leaves a little of her meal, I couldn't help to think she might leave it for Libby. And then your Coco licking Libby's picture, that too just so adorably sweet! It's nice to know you 4 (?) have each other.
Not sure why you thought it's me and my husband, but it's just me. I think that could've been someone else.
Blessings and hugs to you all 🌷

Prawncoktail

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Posts: 32
 #20 
That's sweet! It's as though our shrines are a continuation of their life, and having them with us.
Yes, I know how you feel, it does hit you when you least expect it! - I had a breakdown the other night just randomly, but I'm glad that I still do, it means to me, that I'm not over what happened as such.
You will in time I'm sure, it's I think your mind which isn't ready to move on from that point yet, maybe you've not fully come to terms with the circumstances as such?
Our minds work in mysterious ways.
Yes, I know what you mean, but at the same time, I'm glad I do have the memories even if I'm still struggling with some.
We'll be lucky to have the chance of having another addition to the family, it's amazing just how much they enrich our lives! I'm sure it's the same for you too.
It's made me realise if nothing else, that Libby's passing taught me life's too short to worry about the smaller stuff, and that there's always someone - something who needs you more than you know. The dogs, as much as I hate knowing it, will be there regardless, but that doesn't mean they have to be unhappy, even if they get a few good memories out of what I can bring it'll be worth it.
I used to go a lot more when I was younger, but I'd always come home either too upset or with a new dog! - But we do go at times.
My partner is much the same, he dotes over our girls so much, they get more attention that I do most of the time! Lol!
Yes, Birthday is in December - So lots of Turkey treats for the dog's homes :) 
Toff Toff has started to eat all of her food again, she's always been a little fussy with her food though - She has to have something just for her, but she's eating well now which is good! Yes, including me, and my partner, there are's Toffee and Coco, Silver the Rabbit, and 3 geckoes. 
Oh, I do apologise for my mistake! My mind is all over the place lately, I have a very sporadic sleep pattern, so half the time my head is in the clouds, I do apologise! 
Sending you warm wishes, and I hope you're doing well.



HeartBroken12

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Posts: 158
 #21 
Thank you again for your reply!

Reading this part of your post: "I had a breakdown the other night just randomly, but I'm glad that I still do, it means to me, that I'm not over what happened as such" gave me some relief knowing that I'm not alone feeling that way. I mean I know I'm not over it, but when it hits me all over again and I just cry and cry, it's kinda reassuring of what you've just sad. I hope I make sense.

Yeah it is possible that I haven't fully come to terms of losing my baby boy, amd that's why I don't get any signs and he is still "gone" in my dreams.
Not too sure how to change that tho.

I think it's a blessing to be able to have your heart open for an other furbaby,  it I know I don't feel that way for myself. He was my second doggie I lost to cancer, and this second time hit me the worse. I really don't wanna go through this pain ever again.
I mean I know nobody does, but I'm just not there.
Not with my heart, not with anything.

Your comment on: "...but I'd always come home either too upset or with a new dog!" is kinda cute and sweet. I could imagine you walking home with a furbaby every time you visit a shelter. 

I don't think I'm just making it up, but I'm sure I've read it somewhere that you'll take turkey to the pets at the humane society? I can't find it now where you wrote it, but I thought I did read it.
I have an extra turkey so I started thinking about where to take it for donations. Your post came to mind (which I can't find now) so I thought I'll take it to the humane society too. Just as I was thinking that, I found a heart looking rock by where I was sitting! I thought well that could be a sign.. So I called few places and found one where they would except it. Feels good.

"My partner is much the same, he dotes over our girls so much, they get more attention that I do most of the time! Lol!" That's kinda cute.. hehe.

Hugs to you all 🌺

Prawncoktail

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Posts: 32
 #22 
It certainly does make sense - there's not a day that goes by I don't think of her, or look at her picture, but sometimes it does make me angry that I'm not 'moping' like I think I should be in some way, so yes, when I randomly cry, to me it's like 'yes - i really am still in mourning and I've not moved on like I thought'!

I don't think there's necessarily anything you can do consciously, I think it's something subconscious that will fall into place when your mind feels ready - If that makes sense. - You'll get there :)

I understand completely, everyone is different, and by some of us taking another furbaby into hearts by no means makes us any better or worse than anyone else, it's just a different way of coping to some I suppose - To me, I know Libby would be happy knowing there's another girl in the house - Whether she was here or not, I know she'd have been happy about it. As a family, we have so much love to give, and although the pain is unbearable at times, for me, personally, the time I had with Libs will always be worth having.
But you are by no means wrong by not being able to have another furbaby, we're all different.

I was like it from a young age, I remember I'd go to the pet shop on a weekend, or after school when I was little, and I'd always come home with something - A fish, or a mammal of sorts.
My parents always said 'no more' but they knew what I was like, I'd either bring home some hurt animal or one from the pet shop, it was a given, still is.
It's amazing just how much they enrich our lives and make us who we are.

Yes, I was saying when we go over the Christmas period I want to take the dogs turkey bits and treats, as well as blankets, toys etc :) - I'd certainly say that was a sign, and how odd, that when I read that, I got goosebumps! - It's a lovely thought of you to do that, and I know all the pups will be very thankful!! :) It's a nice feeling, isn't it? - They say it's the smallest things that make the biggest difference, and even if that small thing brings even a minute of happiness to someone/something, it's totally worth doing :) 

Haha, he's always been the same, as soon as he comes home from a 12-hour shift at work, he walks in, grabs the girls, takes them out to play, gives them a fuss and some treats before he even thinks about himself. It's lovely!

How are things for you? I hope you're doing as well as can be.

Sending you warm wishes :) 


HeartBroken12

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Posts: 158
 #23 
Sounds like we think alike in some things and comforting to know I'm really not alone with my thoughts. Thank you for showing me that!

After my first doggie passed I sure didn't want an other one to go through this loss. Then 2 years later, I met Pinto (my recent loss) and he touched my heart in everyway. Needles to say he came home with us. As much as my first baby meant to me, I had much closer connection with Pinto. Losing him was even harder then the first time..
But I do understand when someone is ready to adopt an other baby and I really appreciate those that can give a loving home to them. It's sad how many pets are struggling, lost, and waiting to be loved. Breaks my heart. 

And that reminds of what I did yesterday. You have mentioned taking turkey treats to the animal rescue centre, which is very touching and then I thought doing the same. Thank you for sharing that kindness with me and those in need! So I donated a whole turkey to one of the local humane society yesterday for the furbabies. The front desk girl said they have someone volunteering cooking it for them. It felt nice donating it... But then my emotions took over. I've asked where the doggies are, just in curiosity if there's one looking like my Pinto... As weird it might sounds, but I think you would understand it... I didn't ask what breed they have, but when she asked if I wanna see the doggies, I told her that I might not be ready to go in there yet, since I just had a recent loss. From then on I was trying to hold back my tears without much luck. I had to go outside waiting for mom. She asked if there's a boxer in there. There wasn't.
I am still hoping for a miracle and for his reincarnation .. if that makes sense to you.

When I read you got goosebumps reading my message about the heart rock I assume, it made me smile. Needless to say I kept that rock, by the plant I bought for Pintos's remembrance.

How sweet of your partner to take care of the girls, but I hope he doesn't skip all the loving from you! =)

How am I doing? Thank you for asking. I have my ups and downs, kinda changes from one minute to an other. It's like riding the emotional rollercoaster of life, with lots of stress related stops.

Hope you all doing well as much as you can be!

💟 Libby 🐾 Pinto 💟
Prawncoktail

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Posts: 32
 #24 
I'm glad you find a level of comfort in that.
It's important that you had what you had with your first pup, as well as Pinto (Cute name) Both helped you be who you are today, in so many different ways, it's amazing how much they really do mould us and our lives.

Libs was my first ever passing as my main furbaby! - I had small pets in the past, hamsters, fish, possum etc which died, but the feeling obviously is not the same, I don't know how you're feeling fully, however, I know that your pups meant so much to you, it's more than obvious, and after all else, you will always have the love they had for you, and you had for them, no matter what else comes and goes, that always remains - and I find that helps me, maybe it'll help you in time too.

That's such a lovely generous thing you did! Both of your pups would have such pride in you for that! - Kudos to you for being so kind!
It absolutely makes every sense to me! I'm looking none stop for some sign from Libs when I see a dog that looks like her (I've seen 2 identical dogs) I think, it's my baby! How do I get her back?! I came to realise for myself at least, that having another pup just like libs would be too much for me - mentally. I've decided a dedication to her by way of colour, or breed will be a nice homage instead.

Yes, the reference to the heart rock gave me goosebumps! And I'm glad you had that sign, as I'm glad yo put it next to Pinto's plant. :)

There is so much love in this house that no one ever goes without - we're all rich with knowing we're loved, nothing else matters in relation to that.

Last night I was on Facebook, and a picture of a sweet dog came up, with a back story of how she's been so badly mistreated, I immediately text my partner, I felt it was a calling, and that we could help - It made me realise I wasn't as ready as I thought I was - I went to Libby's box, wrote her a letter and cried.

It's moments like that, which make me remember I'm human.

Oh yes, I know what you mean re the rollercoaster, but in time we become accustomed to the dips and turns.
- I hope in time you'll be able to cope more.
Never hide your pain, your emotion, you have every right to that! 

Sending you warm wishes. 




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