Registered: 1509040445 Posts: 22
It’s been a little over 48 hours since Scooter died. The first night and following morning were so painful that I thought I might die. I had chest pain, very noticeable heart palpitations, and I could barely breathe. I cried hysterically for 24 hours straight. I was in a completely overwhelmed state. Now, I’ve shut down. I went to work yesterday as though nothing happened. I answered questions about Scooter’s passing as though we were just discussing the weather. I laughed at jokes, worked hard, ate. Scooter was my soul mate in cat form for almost 16 years. We were inseparable. I know that I’m not ok, but I’m not able to connect with those feelings. I think my body/mind just went into emergency protection mode and shut down. And now people think I’m fine. My husband is relieved that I’m handling this so well. So are my coworkers. But I’m still critically wounded, even if I’m in shock. But I also feel the need to keep up appearances. Others think I’m fine. I know I am not. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I’m sure that this is part of the grieving process. Has anyone else gone through this? If so, how long did it take for the overwhelming emotions to come back? I ave had a lot of losses in my life and “shoving it all down” is a pattern of mine. But I’ve learned that not facing the pain leads to other, also very horrible, issues. Note: I was in a serious depression prior to Scooter’s death. Sooner or later, I’m going to have to deal, and I’m afraid.
Registered: 1521118659 Posts: 2
I went through this not too long ago. My dog passed away on 2/26 (monday) and by Thursday the same thing was happening to me. Laughing at jokes, having normal conversations. I even thought wow I'm already starting to feel better. Unfortunately that only lasted about a day for me. Its over 2 weeks now and I still can't find peace. I wish i had advice on how to help, but I can offer solace in the fact that you aren't alone feeling that way. xo
Registered: 1520952202 Posts: 12
I lost Gracie 4 days ago and I am not doing well. I called in sick to work on Monday because I couldn't stop crying. I woke up Tuesday still crying but had to come to work. I spent my lunch hour Tuesday crying my heart out. Of course coming home Tuesday afternoon I broke down again. I felt so out of control on Wednesday that I went to my doctor. My blood pressure is very high (and it has never been the least bit high before). I told my doctor about losing Gracie and she was so understanding. I was so choked up trying to talk about it that I could see she was a little teary eyed too. I haven't told anyone else about Gracie being gone. I can't. Saying it makes it real.
"Critically wounded" is such a good description for how I am feeling. I am so sorry to hear how hurt you are. I know how it feels because I am out of my mind with grief and pain. I feel like the "walking dead". I too am keeping up appearances. I break down any time I am alone. Being at work keeps me distracted most of the time because it is such a busy time for us. Gracie left me on Saturday night and I was in shock. I didn't cry when it happened. I was in denial. But when I woke up on Monday I was hysterical. I don't know when you will feel the overwhelming grief again. Your mind is protecting you for as long as it can but it is likely that some object or sound or thought will set it off again. I didn't mean to turn this into my own personal rant but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in being so wounded by your loss.
Registered: 1509040445 Posts: 22
Thank you both for your responses. I wish you both the best with your healing journies. Today, I almost lost it at work out of the blue during a lunch and learn about an appetite stimulant for dogs (I work at a vet’s office). The woman started talking about decreased appetite and quality of life and the decision to euthanize in those cases. Luckily, reading some random sticker on a drawer next to me over and over allowed me to gather myself so that I didn’t have to run out of the room in hysterics. Then, on the long drive home, my brain helpfully decided to come up with the sudden idea that I euthanized way too soon and killed my cat when he could have lived for years (thanks brain!). Not true, I know in my heart that I did the right thing, but I had to pull over as I couldn’t breathe from the pain and guilt. The worst part is that everyone sees my calm exterior and assumes that I am ok. Although I am so sorry that everyone on this site is also grieving, I am thankful for the support I have received here. Sometimes, I wish people still dressed in certain grieving attire or wore armbands or something, only so that we could see each other out and about and feel less alone. Anyways, I’m headed to bed. Actually, my now oldest cat wants love. Time for some Tigger cuddles. Then bed. I wish you both a restful night. Thank you again.
Registered: 1521185507 Posts: 2
Hi, One thing I've noticed when I read the heartbreaking stories of grief you have all felt in your losses, is that I am not alone in my deep sensitivity and ability to love a companion child/friend/pet. My heart feels your pain, your questioning, and the joy your had with your companions. I'm not sure if my grief will be understood...Why? I'm the grieving Mom of a handsome Amazon Parrot...CUZCO. Most people have no idea how deeply loving, emotional, brilliant and loyal parrots can be. Even those who have some idea, my bond with CUZCO, and his with me...was beyond the ability for people to seem to grasp.
I also have a cute little rescue dog I adore...EBONY...so I am able to fully understand your grief. Parrots are not what most people think of as cuddly...loving Beings. They are. CUZCO cuddled against my chest, his head stuffed under my chin...and purred like a cat from sheer happiness as he did. He talked as much as a 4-5 year old human child, and knew everything he said...and heard from me. My home has never been the same without him. A huge hole of silence took his place. CUZCO sang songs he made up, he loved music, especially "jazzy" songs with a quick dance beat. He always called out, "Come here Baby! Wanna dance!" When I left our home he called out, "Bye Baby!" When he heard me opening the door to come home he called out, "OH! HI BABY!!! Come here! Wanna step up!" I could write for hours about his very human-like nature. He was as green as emerald...red on his wings, and was soft as could be. We danced together...sang together...and...actually laughed out loud together. He was my friend...child... and soul mate... Maybe I can say more another time...
Registered: 1521112662 Posts: 2
It's been three days since my wonderful, sweet 16-year-old rescue pup Sparkles passed away and I go from being inconsolable to numb and stunned and back again without warning. We have always had a full house, children, dogs, birds, rodents of all kinds, lizards, spiders and the list goes on. For the first time in 28 years, we find ourselves in an empty, quiet house and the silence is deafening.
This morning I ate my usual scrambled eggs and toast, and when I looked down at my plate, I realized that I had saved a bit of egg and toast crust for the dog. I fell apart, and my poor husband fell apart right along with me. It's those little things that remind us of him and break our hearts over and over again. Going to the mailbox and automatically reaching for his leash, leaving the house and realizing there's no one there to blow a kiss to and no one to give a treat to, no one begging at the dinner table, and no one there to greet us when we get home. He used to sleep beside me on his furry mat and now I don't want to go to bed because it's too painful. When I open my eyes in the morning, I look down and remember all over again that he is gone. His water dish is still sitting in its place on the kitchen floor, and I can't bring myself to empty and wash it. Parrot Mom, no matter what species of pet, we love them and they return that love unconditionally. They become such an integral part of our lives that it's devastating when they go. For the third time in just over two years, I have lost an elderly dog, and my last two babies passed away only six months apart. The vet had warned me that I would soon be in for a very difficult time and he couldn't have been more right. Every loss has been equally devastating, and I have become all too familiar with the overwhelming feelings of sadness, shock, guilt, self-doubt, numbness, exhaustion, and the terrible realization that we will have to move forward without them. And of all these feelings, guilt is the most nefarious of all. With each loss, I feel responsible and question every step I took along the way and wonder if there was something I did wrong or something I could have done differently or better. Through this period of repeated losses, I have learned that although painful these feelings are common and normal and that they will eventually subside and become more bearable. I have learned to accept the feelings and not to judge or compare my grieving process as it is uniquely mine and different every time. Please be kind to yourselves and do what you need to do to take care of you during this difficult time. I hope that these words somehow help anyone who reads this post. How incredibly fortunate our pets were that we loved them, and cared for them, and wanted only the best for them. That we loved them so deeply it tears us apart that they are now gone.
Registered: 1520401474 Posts: 12
Scooter, Cuzco, Gracie, Sparkles and all our pets..... they make us feel things that no human can and touch us in so many ways. It is a different type of love they give and a different type of love we give them.
I'm so sorry for everyone's loss. This is tough. I too am going through immense pain and grief over the loss of my little boy Champ. Champ was a couple months shy of 20 years old. We were together nearly half of my life and it is so difficult trying to find a path forward without him. I miss him so very much. I read all your posts and I can feel the love that everyone had and continues to have for their pets. Although it is hard we need to remember them and cherish the memories we have. I cry a lot these days but I would rather feel something than nothing. I'm not ashamed because I lost a big part of myself and now I'm healing. The healing process is slow and I know I will still be healing on the day my time is up. This is what it is like to lose someone or something that you have loved so dearly. I have lost my father and a sister and several other family pets. My heart aches every day for them. I have seen amazing things like two doves fly in front of me shortly after my sister passed away. I swear it was my father and sister telling me they are now together. It was just something that I could have never imagined and you just don't see white doves where I live. I still call out for my little Champ but he isn't there. I turn to look for him laying next to me but sadly I don't see him except for in my memories. I feel him all around me, although I am extremely sad I know that he is waiting for me and will one day greet me again with a lick, a head bump and probably a little catitude. For now our pets are all napping and playing and waiting for us. Remember that they knew we loved them. There is no doubt. God Bless