Registered: 1214367041 Posts: 28
Oh my love, I am having a horrible day today. I am crying for you. I still cannot get any closure from you getting sick and leaving my side. I still am thinking of all the " I should have done this and I should have done that" with your care at the vets office. I should have brought you home every night and brought you back the next morning, but I was too afraid to have you off of the IV overnight. I should have taken you to the specialist/Emergency Hospital sooner, rather than have you being cared by your regular vet. I should have taken you home for the weekend to see if you would have eaten with me. It is killing me that I will never know if I could have done something else to save your life. Even though the specialists voice is in my head, telling me she would have done the same treatment, the same meds, I still can't help but think you wouldn't eat because you weren't at home. They told me you had a bright future and you died within 3 days of that. I feel so responsible that when you took a turn for the worst, no one was at the vets office on Sunday, and I'm afraid you were suffering and you needed me and I wasn't there. My pain is getting worse and my guilt heavier. I keep thinking the vet did something wrong and I will never know. I wish I would have never listened to them about not seeing you because of the stress I would cause you, cause I couldn't bring you home. I still cannot believe you are not here with me anymore. I love you my precious baby..Mommy
Registered: 1212103337 Posts: 26
Dear Bella' Mom
I am so sorry for your loss and the immense pain you are in. Sadly, the "should have's" are sometimes a part of the grieving process we go through. If the loss was a difficult or unexpected one, those thoughts can be real torture and affect you deeply. If you feel comfortable with your vet, why don't you ask to have some time to speak to them privately, that might help with some of your questions as to the treatment plan they chose for your baby and help you begin to work through the deep pain you are in. It is never easy to lose a furbaby, no matter what age or cause. I will keep you in my prayers that you will be able to begin to know you did your best for your baby and Bella knows that. May you have peace in your heart and know that you and Bella will always be connected by the love you share. Kathy
Registered: 1194492978 Posts: 5,100
Oh, Shari, my heart just ached for you as I read your post. I am so sorry you are suffering so. You are in that awful "should have, only if I would have" doubting stage of grief almost everyone here has experienced. That, to me, is the most painful stage of grief because you can't seem to escape blaming yourself. I can tell you I went through this same stage, and it PASSED, thank goodness.
I have thought a lot about this and I have come to believe this stage has a lot to do with our anger and feelings of helplessness at having lost our beloved babies. We obsess over why WE didn't do more or why the VETS didn't do more. We feel we failed our babies or the vets failed them, when in reality, for most of them, their illnesses robbed them from us. Pancreatitis is a very serious illness in pups. Yes, sometimes there are incompetent vets, but for the most part, their little bodies fail them and we are left in pieces.
When I went through the stage you are in, I posted almost NONSTOP on this site and these wonderful people got me through it. Let us help you. Keep talking, dear friend. And remember your beloved Bella is no longer suffering and she can feel your love. If you can calm your heart for a few moments (and I know how hard this is when you are still hurting so bad) you
will feel her. Trust me on this. Sending hugs and prayers, Melissa
Registered: 1214367041 Posts: 28
Thank you to both of you for your comfort and understanding. I am trying really hard to tell my head and my heart everything I should be, it's just not happening yet. I just feel so bad for her. She loved life and everyone in it. I was always so paranoid of something happening to her, and my worst nightmare came true and just don't know why it had to happen to her. I am going to try real hard this week to quiet my heart, so I can feel her. There was one night when I was going to sleep, and this warm, comforting feeling came over my whole body and I felt she was with me. I want to feel that everyday. It's been hard to breath yesterday and today, I hope it will get easier.
Thanks again for the love you have showed me...I will pray for your furbabies and for both of you.