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Tiffanys_mom07

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Posts: 6
 #1 
Tiffany Ann,

Today marks one week since I last held you in my arms. You were sick and so not your sweet self. I cuddled and held you a little but strangely you didn't even want that. We brought you home in hopes that familiar and comfortable surroundings with your family, toys and sister would be the extra boost you needed to fight the crap your little body was going through. After all you had already beaten an unexplainable zero white blood cell count a few months prior and we know you are a fighter. 

We spent the night with me hovering over your every move, moan, groan to ensure you were as comfortable as possible. Through it all deep down I knew the next day we were going to have to say goodbye to end your suffering. Your dad and I struggled with the decision but its what seemed would be the best if you didn't start to rebound over the next few hours at home. We love you to much to have you suffer anymore.  Watching the hell you went through last week as they were doing tests and giving meds was heart breaking. I couldn't do anything to help you except love you.

Tiffany, I am sorry that I asked you to hang on for me. It was selfish but I just wasn't ready to let go. I think you did hold on for me. You held on long enough to come home and say one last good bye. You bravely took the decision from your dad and I to have to put you to sleep. That night as we all lay in the family bed you were struggling to breathe a little. Your back legs had lost control and so all I could do was hold you a little closer and roll you over so you could breather a little easier. The last bark you gave that alerted us that something was wrong is forever imprinted in my memory. As we moved you to the living room I naively thought you may have to go to the bathroom. The reality is you were telling us it was time to go. You took your last breath with your dad petting you and comforting you.

I'm sorry I wasn't in the room when you passed. I didn't know and had only stepped out for a minute. Maybe you thought it would be easier for me and maybe it was just bad timing on my part. I never intended to not be there when you said good bye. It tears me up that you weren't in my arms while you were passing where you should have been. After all you were/are Mommy's girl. We said goodbye to you at 12:45 am Sept 13/19 and nothing has been the same since.

The house has been different this last week without you. We don't have the hope that you will be coming home from the hospital and have another tale to tell about how you defied another illness. Your sister misses you and is getting along alright. I am doing my best to keep her on schedule and distracted. I think of you daily and don't know how this is ever going to feel normal again. I still have all of your things and the thought of parting with them is to much at this point. Pugsy indulges me occasionally at night and moves into your spot on the bed and it feels like you are back with us. Sadly in the morning I only have one cuddle bug in my bed with me. 

I hope that you will come and visit in our dreams and say hi from time to time. Your sweet face and sassy personality is missed by all of us. Besides, how as an adult will I ever know when to go to bed on time without your reminder :-)  I will do my best to move on without you because I don't have any other choice. I hope that your trip across the Rainbow Bridge was a success and I will see you again one day. Knowing you there will be a hoard of toys in a corner and that is how I will find you :-) 

Goodbye my sweet girl, rest easy and I will see you again one day.

Love always and forever
Your mom

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grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 639
 #2 
What a beautiful, heartfelt tribute.

God bless you.
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