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Abbie

Registered:
Posts: 46
 #1 
I could not bring myself to post and am having a hard time now.  One week ago was the day I had to let my girl go...one long, exhausting, excruciating week ago.

I want so much to write so much but I also want to avoid it.  Such a poor and selfish state to be in when my girl deserves all of this honor and so much more.  Just pathetic.

She started with such a hard beginning and did so well.  Never one would have ever placed money on the length of time we had her - that is how bad it was in her beginning.  She proved them all wrong and always did!

As we all know, it is never long enough.  Within weeks of the date we got her 12 years ago, we had to make the decision to let her go.  Does she know what went with her?  Does she know, that as cliche as it sounds, she took so much of me with her??  So much of my heart that I will never let another fill.  They may get another part, just not hers.

She was loyal, silly, fierce, gentle, protective, cuddly, a sassy girl and a tomboy...she was perfect. 

I haven't received a sign or felt her since *sigh*.

Is it wrong for me not do to this now, all at once? Is it wrong that I don't post her fitting tribune right now?  Please feel free to blast me if it is, I feel that is deserving.

She left (or if feels like I gave up on her having to make the choice) on the 12th day, of the 12th month, 12 days before Christmas and....she was 12.  What a load of c#*p that is!
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #2 
Dearest Abby,
I know and feel your pain. You are never wrong when dealing with a loss as deep as what we feel when we make the awful decision to let our babies go. I understand your reluctance to write anything but feel the need to write. I came here after letting my little man (Termy) go on Sept 18th. I needed to feel I wasn't alone and that there are others out there that hurt just as deep as I do. I read the heart ache that others have and really feel their pain, yes I cry reading them and I cry replying to them also. I wouldn't want anyone to suffer the heart ache alone so I continue to read and post and just hope that somehow, someway I can make a little bit of difference. I also hope that by sharing with others I to can heal, a little each day. Our babies know that when they go a big piece of our heart and love goes with them. We can never be the same, not without them. I think the reason we hurt so deeply is that they put some much love into their short lives hoping it in some small way can last us the rest of our lives. I cry every night and still miss Termy with all my heart but I wouldn't have never not wanted to share this life's journey with out him no matter the years. You will, in time find your way to honor your baby in a better way but for now you have to grieve in your own way and it's not wrong. Please try not to be so hard on your self. Try to find peace knowing your baby isn't suffering any more. I know it's hard not to feel guilt, anger, sadness because this is normal but also try to remember the journey you took with your baby and what you shared and smile just a little. We are here to help and listen, your never alone.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
Abbie

Registered:
Posts: 46
 #3 
Thank you so much for your reply and sadly, we are in this club together.  I think, after the holidays when I can focus and really give it it's full attention, I will come back and give my girl her fitting tribute.

One thing though, this morning, as I was getting ready for work, I heard the other dogs in the neighborhood barking.  She always had her reply.  Always let them know she was on the job, this was her house and "don't even think about it".  I soooo missed that voice this morning.  Even though all of the other pups were going to town, all I could do was focus in on the silence.  I always felt so safe with her, I knew I was safe with her.  So incredibly safe.  She would have killed for me as I would have for her.

Now it is the feeling of vulnerability, like swimming in the ocean and being circled by sharks.

I am so very sad.
twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 839
 #4 
I am so very sorry for your loss. No matter how long we have our babies with us it is never enough. They come into our lives and wrap their paws around our hearts and fill an empty space we were not aware of having. And then the time comes arrives when their tired little bodies cannot go on and oh how horribly our hearts ache. Sadly words have not been invented to ease your pain but all of us here offer comfort and support as you begin your journey through what seems an endless path of sorrow. You mentioned not being ready to write more about her or to post a tribute. We all grieve in our way. There is no timeline, no directions to follow, do what feels right to you. For right now just take care of you, that is a major job in it's own right. Rest as much as you can, be good to yourself. And remember a love like the two of you share never ends. She is still with you always in your heart and I believe in a quiet moment we can often feel their presence with us. I will keep you in my prayers.
Remsmom

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #5 
You are not pathetic! You will honor her in many ways. I feel like I gave up on my Remington too. Now the guilt I feel like I didn’t pay more money to fix him will haunt me forever. I look for signs from him. I hope you get one. It’s so surreal and understand completely how you feel about the space j your heart that is hers. Hoping we all find peace and thank you for sharing your story.
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