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Mandys_Mom

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Posts: 2,285
 #1 
My sweet Mandy had cancer of the spleen. Four weeks ago I decided to let her go, she wasn't eating and was having pain. The vet suggested trying steroids first and wow, what a difference. She was eating 3 meals a day, happy, wagging her tail, and no more pain. She got 3 glorious weeks before her body gave out. 3 weeks of happy, 3 weeks of eating (one of her favorite things to do!). Last Wed night she seemed to be struggling. Panting all the time. I wondered if she had fluid around her heart. Thurs AM she didn't eat. Nor did she eat at lunchtime that day. My stomach did a flip when I found she didn't eat lunch either. I made her an appointment that night after work. She laid in the living room all day by the door. Usually she would lay in the bedroom all day, but not this day. She was waiting for me. I got home, she was at the door with her tail wagging. I greeted her, changed my clothes, said you want to go in the car? Tail wagging. We went out to the car, she walked slowly but that was the norm for her in recent months. Had more trouble than usual getting in the car, I basically had to put her in. As I backed out of the driveway I noticed her tongue wasn't very pink, it was quite pale. Her tumor was bleeding inside. It wasn't until this point that I though we will probably have to put her to sleep tonight. Never did I think she was dying immediately. Got onto the main road and she turned and looked at me, then started to lay her head down on the seat, which she never did in the car. I reached back and began rubbing her and telling her it's okay Mandy, everything is okay. She stopped panting. I saw her jerk once. I thought what is happening to her. I kept driving, I never thought to pull over, I wanted to get her to the vet. I thought what if she is dying but it takes a long time and her I could have gotten to the vet and he could have helped her pass a little easier. Got to the vet, went around to the back seat. She was gone. I hate myself for not pulling over and getting in the back with her. I will regret it the rest of my life. I didn't want to prolong the trip in case she needed help. Had I know she would be gone by the time we got there, I would have stopped. I was so afraid she wouldn't die and would be in agony and I could have gotten her there sooner and at least helped her die. I am so angry at myself. She didn't need the vet at that moment, she needed me. I miss her so much. I stayed in the room with her at the vet for a good hour, crying and trying to say goodbye. I just couldn't leave. Everyone in the house seems to have moved on this past week. I haven't. I still cry every morning, every lunchtime, every day after work, and every night before bed, and quite often in between those times. I am trying to tell myself instead of dwelling on the last 10 minutes of her life, I should be thinking about the 14 1/2 years of love and all the wonderful memories of my times with her. I wrote the following today:

One Week
July 10, 2008


I try but still cannot believe...
A week ago today...
I came home to my loving friend...
And then she went away...
One week since I last saw her face...
A week of sadness and sorrow...
A week of wishing I could wake up...
And see her there tomorrow....
One week has passed and I still cry...
I wish for her, I grieve...
That she is no longer on this earth...
I just cannot believe...
One week, the first of many to come...
That I must wake each day...
And realize in sadness once again...
That she has gone away.

WooWooWoo

Registered:
Posts: 5,100
 #2 
Your post about your loss of your beloved Mandy broke my heart.  I am so very sorry that you are feeling such horrible guilt over not pulling over to be with her as she passed.   But, I would have done exactly the same thing you did.  I would have kept driving on, thinking I could make it to the vet, and help her pass there.   Mandy knows your heart.   She heard and felt you comforting her as you drove.   She was literally surrounded by your love for her.  So many little animals, so many humans don't hear such comforting and loving words as they pass.  She felt your loving hands on her.  You WERE with her.  The two of you were so blessed to belong to each other. 

I just wish there was more I could do or say to make the pain less for you.  It is something we have all gone through.  Tomorrow is my beloved little terrier, Betsy's, sixth month BridgeDay and I am missing her so very much.  They give us such a PERFECT love and when they are gone, our lives are never the same.

You are in my prayers.

Melissa
Betsy's forever grateful mom
MrMeowgy

Registered:
Posts: 763
 #3 
Dear Mandy's mom, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved baby Mandy. I hear the pain and guilt in your words and it makes me so sad. Please know that we all have some regret, something we wish we had done differently. But the truth is we did what we did because we thought it was the right thing at the time. And it was.
 You were rushing your dear Mandy for help. You were petting her and comforting her. But Mandy didn't want you to have to make that decision. My beloved Mr. Meowgy didn't want me to have to make it either so he went on his own terms too.
Our babies know how much we love them and wanted to spare us the pain of seeing and helping them pass. That is the one last gift they gave to us. Mandy doesn't want you to feel guilty. She wants you to remember the 14 and 1/2 years of happiness you shared. I really believe that is true. I wish you peace and comfort.
Happy 1 week Bridge Day dear Mandy! Look for Mr. Meowgy, he will take very good care of you!
Donna, Mr. Meowgy's mom
Georgeann

Registered:
Posts: 2,245
 #4 
Dear Mandy's Mom:
Your post brought tears to my eyes and broke my heart.  I am so sorry about your loss of Precious Mandy.  There are no words to make the pain go away.  I think it is obvious that you were there for Mandy.  When you reached back and petted her she knew that she was safe.  I think she wanted to say goodbye and felt safe to leave for the Bridge.  I would have done the exact same thing that you did.  I would have driven as fast as I could to get to a place where she could get help. 

I lost my little Angel Christopher over 15 months ago.  I miss him more each day and still cry for him every day.  I did everything possible to save his life.  Knowing that, there were still many days I questioned my actions.  I think all of us do that because the pain is just so overwhelming that we think we could have done more.   

Molly is safe at the Bridge with all our Angels.  I am sure they will all take very good care of her.  She will be there waiting when you arrive. We are all here when you need us.

Big Hugs
Georgeann
Christopher's Mommy
Forever


Nuggetsmum

Registered:
Posts: 251
 #5 
Oh MandysMom,

I am crying as I read your post...I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Mandy...I can't even begin to imagine how that must how felt to realise that your baby girl had passed on the way to the vet....Please don't feel angry though at yourself...you were doing what you thought was best for your girl, getting her to the vet as quickly as possible..I would have defintely done the same thing....

Mandysmom, we all have regrets...just know that you were with your girl...she was waiting for you at the door so then she could pass peacefully.

Your poem is so beautiful....you have some to the right place, we all understand and we are here for you.

A big cuddle to you,

Nuggetsmum Alana
Mary

Registered:
Posts: 1,400
 #6 
Dear Mandys Mom:
I can't stop the tears as I read about your loss of Mandy.  I feel you grief and pain and I am so sorry.  The overwhelming pain for our beloved pets is only because of the very deep love and bond we have with them. 

Please remember all the wonderful times you had together in the 14 1/2 years you shared.    I am sure Mandy felt very lucky to have your love and that you were with her.

Again, I am so sorry.  I will pray for you and Mandy.  When the time is right for you please send us a picture of your sweet Mandy.

Mary
Meisters Mom   
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