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kdclairmo

Registered:
Posts: 540
 #1 
Hi all, it has been a few weeks since I have been on the site. I have just been so sad lately and I dread next week so much.  Last year two days after Father's Day on 6/19/08 we had to put our beloved Peanut to sleep and now we are a little more than one week away from the one year anniversary of her leaving us and it just kills me inside. I have that same horrible empty ache in the pit of my stomach that overwhelmed me when I saw her take her last breath and then pass away in her favorite little doggie bed. When she died I felt like a piece of me died with her and I have not felt the same since.  I have never had such a special, spiritual connection with an animal before as I have had with her and nor do I ever think I will have that again with another. She and I were connected by our souls and we met at a point in our lives when we both needed each other so desperately. She was a very malnurished abused little dog and she needed love and tender care. Over the years my husband and I dealt with years of loss and infertility and she filled the void of no children in our home, she was our child.  We were eventually blessed with twins and she was there and held on and was there for me despite her having health issues and not feeling well. She knew I needed her to hold on for me. We knew that P could not live forever and we did have alot of extra time with her. We were once told she maybe had 6 months to live and she out lived that by over 2 years. I had prepared myself over 2 years ago that I would lose her but you can never really do that because despite all of that when she left it was so much more horrible than I could have ever imagined it.  Many of you remember that the guilt has been eating me alive over the timing of our decision and I kept questioning myself should we have waited a bit longer before doing it??? I still sometimes wonder how much longer she would have lasted if we had waited even a few days but I try to go back to remembering how hard it was for that poor thing to get around and even walk and get up from laying down and not fall over in her water bowl to get a drink and then I remember how she was when she was younger and spry and running around and jumping up and down on the couch and our bed something she had been able do in years.  Suffering like that and not being able to do what she normally would do is not something I want for her. I never want her to be in any sort of pain at all. I loved her more than anything and she was everything to me. So if letting her free from her pain and taking it on myself is what I had to do then so be it.. I rather suffer than her any day.  So to my sweet Peanut, I am suffering my girl because I love and miss you so much. Please know that Mommy and Daddy love you and think of you every day and as we approach your 1 year Bridge Day please know that you will always hold a place in my heart and I will never ever forget you.

Karen



JasminesMom

Registered:
Posts: 440
 #2 
Dearest Karen:

You know I know your story well and I'm so sorry you are coming up on your one year anniversary of losing Peanut.  I know from your posts how much you loved Peanut.  I also can relate to the unique bond you had, as I too had that with Jasmine and I don't think I'll ever have it again either.  I too think part of me died with her and her loss and passing has changed me in so many ways.  Most of the time, I hide it from those around me, as everyone expects an awful lot, on a daily basis.  It's hard being a working wife and mom to small children most days.  They don't really get the impact the loss has had on me, but I've accepted that and I keep doing the best I can to be all that they need.  The newbies do help all of us I think too, but again, nothing stops the ache and I will always love and miss my girl.

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you at this time and know I'll be sending extra hugs your way as you approach the one year mark.  Remember we're here for you.

                     Hugs to you, JasminesMom (Kathy)
Luna13

Registered:
Posts: 846
 #3 
Oh Karen, I remember your story of your precious Peanut very well and I'm so, so sorry.  The 1st anniversary is indeed extremely painful.  I can sense your sadness in your post and I'm sitting here at my desk with tears in my eyes.  My heart hurts for you.  She's such a special soul.  I have a very similar connection with my girls Gypsy and Luna (especially Luna), so I understand so well what you're feeling.  I pray that Peanut will send you a signal on her bridge day that she's happy and well and misses you too.  You know it to be true, but sometimes it's wonderful to feel their presense too.  You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.  May God lift your spirits and grant you peace during this difficult time.  Big hugs to you.

Gerlie (Gypsy and Luna's forever mom)
TDawg

Registered:
Posts: 536
 #4 
Karen,

I'm so sorry that you are coming up on your 1 year anniversary of losing your Peanut. I know how you are feeling. I sense your sadness in your post. I hope Peanut is happy and well, she misses you too alot i'm sure of that. On June 26th, it will be my sweet NIKKI'S 1 yr. bridge anniversary too. The tears have been flowing today too. I too don't think that I'm going to handle it very well. The day that Nikki died a part of me died with her. I have not felt the same since she has been gone from me and this place called "EARTH". I miss her so very much that my heart still aches, I long to hold he rin my arms again so that I can hear her beautiful purr. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you come upon this day you had to set your Peanut free of of pain. Your Peanut looks like she was just a sweet Angel. I'll be thinking of you. Sending you big (((((((((Karen&Peanut))))))))).

Take care,
(((hugs)))
Terri(UWHusky-Nikki'sMom)

Nikki mommy misses you and loves you so very much, the tears seem to stay with me no matter over my loss of you baby. I will never FORGET you and like I told you "there will never be another NIKKI kitty like you" remember when i told you this angel. NEVER FORGET!!!!!!
basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #5 

Thinking of you and your family at this sad time.  Love Di xxx

Georgeann

Registered:
Posts: 2,245
 #6 
Dearest Karen:
The one year mark is such a difficult time.  As many have said all the "firsts" are over.  For me, the one year mark felt as horrible as the day Christopher left.   I am still, like you, having such a difficult time with Christopher's loss and I am sure I will Forever.  I think it has been so hard for many of us because of the spiritual connection we had with them.  As you said, they were part of our souls.  I have said many times that the day Christopher died in my arms, I felt my soul leave with him.  I do not think it will return until he is safe in my arms.  Like you, I had to make that painful decision of letting Christopher go.  I also questioned if he would have made it another day or two; but what is the point?  Like you, I would rather suffer forever than have that innocent little Angel of mine suffer for a moment. 

I know that Christopher and Peanut are together and waiting for us; I know that they are not in pain; I know that they will watch over us Forever until it is our time to be with them again; I know That they miss us too.

I think of you and Peanut often as your day of loss is so close to Christopher's (March 20).  We are so fortunate that we have all found each other for support as I have no idea how we would have survived this overwhelming grief.  You are an incredible person and I have no idea how you have been able to raise your twins being in so much pain.  Your strength is amazing.  Peanut has such a wonderful Mommy and I know she feels so Loved.  You and Peanut are Always in my Prayers. 

Big Hugs
Georgeann and Christopher
Forever
necy12

Registered:
Posts: 493
 #7 
Karen:

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I know the kind of anxiety and that feeling in your stomach. I seem to "go on" by blocking the reality of her being gone, but since her 9 month Bridge Anniversary last week (yes,9 mos already) I've been feeling very anxious, very sad, and my heart seems to be aching even more than for the last 9 months, Chiquita's 7th b-day is fast approaching (July 23) and that's making my heart heavy, very heavy. Also I know that in no time Sept. 3rd will be here, and I will relive that horrible day. You're probably feeling the same way...I don't we could ever be "ready" to let them go, regardless of the circumstances. Our lives and our hearts will never be the same, the only thing we can do is hold them close in our hearts until we can be with them again, and thank God for the blessing of having them come into our lives and making our lives so special.
You and Peanut are always in my thoughts and prayers...and it will continue to be the same way. I am thinking of you and am sending you big hugs, I wish there was something I could do or say that would ease our pain, but since I can't please know that I am always here to listen, just like you have listened and supported me since day one.

Love & Hugs Your Friend,
Annette
Chiquita's Mom
CindyH

Registered:
Posts: 577
 #8 
I feel every ounce of your pain.   I relate to everything you wrote.   Actually, today is a year and a half of my loss.    Merry was my everything and when I lost her, a piece of me was gone too.   She suffered heart disease for a few years and even though I knew I would be devastated, I thought that I was somehow prepared.   Little did I know.   It was the hardest thing ever.      The year mark is hard.   It was for me.   I did a lot of reflecting back on that day a year before.   I can only wish you peace and let you know there are others that understand, care and will always listen.

So many hugs to you...

Cindy
Merry's mom
kdclairmo

Registered:
Posts: 540
 #9 

I just want to thank you all so much for responding to my post: Kathy, Gerlie, Terri, Di, Georgeann, Annette, and Cindy. You all were just so sweet to me and I know that you all know and feel my pain because it is much the same that you are experiencing yourselves right now. Losing such a precious part of your lives and learning how to live without it is a very difficult thing to do and makes each day long and very sad.  I have never felt this way about another dog before.. that love was so unique and special and I will forever miss having that in my life. I have my beaufiul girls and they are EVERYTHING to me but I want her too and then life would be totally complete.  I know this may sound really silly but sometimes when I look into one of my twins' eyes I feel like I am looking into Peanut's eyes.. they have the same big soft soulful eyes and that brings me a little comfort when I see that. I even call her some of Peanut's nicknames like peepers  it comes out before I even realize it. It is just going to be a long hard road to peace but I will make it just as I know all of you will make it as well. I am so thankful for all of you and I do hope that your pain and suffering eases with time as well.

Hugs and love always,
Karen and Peanut

Benniesmom

Registered:
Posts: 95
 #10 
I feel your pain.  I know what you mean about a part of you dying along with your companion and how it is so difficult to put on this facade of being OK when you are not.

There is a song by Josh Groban, that I happened upon here, it is called To Where you are. It is so incredibly beautiful. The words are just so right on the mark. I implore you to listen to it. I thank the person who added this to their message (don't know who it was.)

Here is the link, don't know if it will work, I am computer illiterate.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=BUfTlEoVqbE

May you find peace and solace. My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you at this most difficult time.


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