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Tams

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #1 
Hi,

Not sure how to start but I had to put my sweet girl to sleep on Friday. I had called the vet a month ago because I thought it was time and discussed possible euthanasia and a check up. At the point I made the appointment my girl was acting stiff and looked sore and tired and I cuddled her and said “I know it’s time girl, I know baby you’re sore”. She just looked up at me and smiled in her torti way. There were Some days she ran around, ran from the vacuum, was curious about some situations, loved company, every morning came for rubs when your in the washroom. But There were some days where she had a super hard time walking and had a limp but would still come and see you for loves... slowly and surely. She would sleep all the time in her bed that was close to her food, water and box. Her brother would clean her because she was special and she didn’t know how. He would just sit there and lick her and she would be so happy. Also super happy in the morning when she was waiting to be fed.

During the time before her appointment I loved her up and did what I could but I feel like I didn’t give her enough loves, cuddles, coming to bed, treats and letting her be around me. Her furr was really bad and itchy so she never came up on the couch as much. I wish she did. She also stuck to herself lots I think that’s her breed torti simease.

Her 3 year old brother that would want to play, cuddle and at most times torment her almost on a daily basis. However She hissed at him in a daily basis when he tried playing with her. He Still didn’t get the hint.

I know she was sick and with her special qualities I knew down inside that it may be time but I was hoping for our visit to result in some meds to see how she responds but never actually thought I had to do the unthinkable. So day off, thinking she was just going for a visit didn’t give her the bacon or ham she loved just her kibble-wish I would have had a big fancy last meal for her.

When we got to the vet, we immediately went in and seen the vet. She noticed right away how skinny she was, the state of her coat, how she walked and how her bones were sinking in by the back. Her eyes were a bit out of sorts but still had a pretty blue hue to them. Our vet said we can run these tests to see what is going on, but the end result can be very expensive to upkeep. She didn’t sound overly promising and said either we do the tests or we think about other options such as euthanasia. She said I’ll give you a few minutes to decide what you wanna do. With how she worded everything it felt that she wanted the decision immediately and not take the weekend. I made the decision to take her suffering away that day. The procedure was horrible feeling, I stayed with her the entire time so she would be with me as she was my girl. I wish the vet told me to take her home with me for a few days and that if she wasn’t getting better then bring her back. I assumed that with how she was talking that she was in pain and she kept saying cats hide their pain really good. I also kept thinking I wouldn’t want to be sore all the time and just to sleep the pain away which she spent a good chunk of her time doing.

I do at times feel like I made a horrible mistake as I didn’t do the tests or that I didn’t take a few days to think about options. I’m filled with regret, guilt and what ifs. I know she was really sick and I’m thinking probably kidney failure based on her symptoms and her back legs all the muscle being gone. I know it’s best to take the suffering away too early rather than too late but I’m still devastated and sick to my stomach. Is this normal to feel like this? I feel like maybe it was too soon and all I can think about is her, her sweet face, her wanting lots of cuddles and her being there for me when I’m having a bad day or even a good day. She was my little friend for 11 years and I feel empty. She’s been there every step of the way for numerous moves, my dad passing, breaking my foot and being stuck in the house for months and other bad moments that happened as well. I just feel that I gave up too soon but then I keep thinking about how fast the vet appointment went and I start replaying that day over and over again asking myself what if I had asked this or what if I had cancelled the appointment to another day. I know a vet wouldn’t put down a cat if they don’t need too. My heart is just broken and I can’t seem to shake that, I have 3 other furr babies that love me but I’m just stuck. I have no really support system and no one has checked on me since the weekend so I feel a bit alone. Sorry for the long post.

Thanks,
Calmkittyhugs

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #2 
Tams, 
thank you for your words of support you left on my story. 
I am so sorry for your loss. 

Although I hate feeling this guilt and what-ifs, I think it must be a very natural response we are having.  Of course, because one of our jobs on this earth while we are here is to take care of it, and that includes caring for the animals God has provided to us as friends. I feel honored that my kitties stick around, don't judge us, and enjoy our company, even when Im kind of a jerk to be around. Our pets, if they are loved, will always love and forgive readily. Perhaps we will never feel like we did a good enough job. 

One of my kiddos asked me: What are we going to do now that Hamster is gone? (He is autistic, and I think he was just simply asking what life was going to be like without our kitty.) I just told him that we had to keep going because we had other kitties that needed us. And his response immediately was, "And we need them," to which, I burst out crying. Of course he is right. And while I didn't necessarily feel better about missing our Hamster, I yet felt very comforted by what he said. Our other kitties need our love too, and we need theirs even more right now.

Regarding the depression risk:
I would suggest to just keep writing. Here, or on a blog, or in a journal. Write everything youre thinking and feeling. Private blogs are great for this because the typing helps the mind flow a bit better. And you can write letters to your little girl if you need to. I do a lot of therapeutic journaling and I find that it does help, especially because I can't talk to very many people, and I hate going to therapists, and i am definitely writing about this whole sad experience even though I can only think about it in small bits at a time because Im just so heavy with sadness.  But don't forget to  take emotional breaks.  Try to get some fresh air or sunshine, or drive around aimlessly - whatever helps you calm yourself. 

If you ever need to chat feel free to pm me. 
Tams

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #3 
Thank you for those kind words. I agree I’ve been reading the boards all day as I can’t really focus on doing work and I’m seeing that we all have self doubt and guilt. Its helping a bit.... I know it’s not going to be a easy task, I feel that I’m as depressed as I was when a family member died. I agree with not thinking we did enough for them. Or protect them but then we have to made the decision to end their suffering.

Your son is a smart boy, and I agree with what he said, and we can’t be sad because they still need our love and protection.

I will take up your suggestions on the therapeutic aspects of things and thank you for allowing me to talk to someone. This group is really helpful especially because I have no one to really talk too.
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