Registered: 1542548316 Posts: 1
Today has been terrible, and I can’t stop crying. Just yesterday morning I had hope that there was someone new I could turn to to help our unpredictably aggressive boy, and when I got home from work, I was greeted by my dad with bandages up his arms after a visit to the ER.
Yankee started becoming aggressive when he was 1 years old, and ever since it has gotten worse. He attacked almost any dog, and had bitten my dad, my mom, my grandmother, my uncles, my aunts, and a dog trainer. However last night something was different. It was my dad’s second trip to the ER, and although our boy was scheduled for vaccines today, we were worried we might have to ask the vet something different. If he were to bite one of my friends, or gotten out of the yard and bitten a neighbor, the consequences wouldn’t be good. We decided to euthanize him today, and I can’t help but feel overwhelming guilt and despair for agreeing that he should be put down. My parents had been thinking about it for a while, but for me, this was a new decision, and they needed my insight this morning. I can’t help but think I made a choice too soon, that there’s something else I could have done for him despite the multiple trainers. Walking into that consultation room was the worst feeling in the world. My sweet boy was so happy to see me, wagging his tail and licking me. He always gets closer to us at the vet, because he gets scared there, and he doesn’t know where he is. He was so gentle and kind, and when we were all crying, he started whining too. It’s wrenching just to think about it. I feel like I let him down, let him go too soon. He was perfectly healthy; we did dental, bloodwork, thyroid, physical, and X-Ray exams to make sure there was no pain as the source of his aggression. He would have lived so much longer had we not euthanized him. When they gave him the sedative, he laid down, but when I called him over, he wobbled over to me and collapsed in my lap. I was sobbing and choking and I didn’t want him to go. He loved me so much. They had to use a high dose of tranquilizer to put him entirely under so he wouldn’t nip the vet who was shaving his leg to prepare for the shot, and I was going to leave the room when he was under, but when I stood up, he opened his eyes and looked up at me with those dark half moons, ears peeking up. I was wailing, and I just wish I had taken it back when he was sedated, before they gave the shot. He loved me so much, and I just taught him how to shake. It was such a big step because he never let anyone touch his paws unmuzzled. There was no “bucket list day” for him, no time for me to gather my thoughts. I wasn’t prepared for this, and all the little things he would do, like follow me, barking incessantly, annoyed me, but it’s painful for them to be gone. For there to be silence. When they euthanized him, I felt like my heart was being shredded. It stung and it hurt to feel his paws go limp in my hands, for his snoring to stop, for his nose who was wet and warm seconds ago to be cold and dry. There was no bringing him back and I just wanted to scream. I wanted him to die of old age, not by my choice. I would give anything to have that troubleboy back right now. To have him walk up to me and lick my hands. It took seconds to end 8 years of his life, to take the power from his body. I hated it. He was my dog, he was my pup, and I chose to euthanize him, with him in that room with my parents and I. He trusted me, and he didn’t even know what was happening. He didn’t know he would die today. I can’t look at pictures of him without my throat closing and my tired eyes managing to squeeze out tears. I can’t sleep, I don’t want to eat, and I can barely function. I’m so scared that I’ve done the wrong thing, that I said the wrong thing, that I should’ve intervened when he was sedated. I’ll never get to pet him again, never get to feel him lick the tears off my face after a fight with my parents, never howl at me and the door when I leave. It feels terrible, and it hits me in waves that he’s really gone. I just want to stop feeling grief, because it hurts so much and and I need to work on school and college applications. I don’t want to hurt any more, I just want him back. I know it was for the best, that he died surrounded my people he loved, rather alone in a room with animal control, but my god my heart is broken right now. He was my sweet boy, and I know he tried so hard to be good. The second after an attack he would return to normal, wagging his tail and licking your knee. He tried so hard to be good and I just wish there was something I could do. I wasn’t ready for this and I pretended like I was when my parents turned to me for a decision. To make matters worse, it’s so scary to see my parents cry. It’s scary because it means I’m mired in grief. There’s nobody calm to turn to, because everyone just wants him back. We loved him to the end of the world, and would have endured countless bites if it meant that he would get better. If anyone has any advice, please let me know. I don’t even know how I’m going to get out of bed, because all I want to do is lie down and not feel. I just want him back so badly, and it hurts because there are so many places I exvpect him to be, so many things I expect him to do, and then I realize he’s not with us any more. If there is an afterlife, I hope he joins everyone I love there, and I hope he’s playing with his friends Bacci and Colby, who died a few months before him. Please let me know how I should continue, because I just want to curl up and go back in time. I’m so sorry Yankee, you were my ‘buhbuhs’ and my struggling boy. I would give anything to have you back, or have just one more day with you.
Registered: 1157161163 Posts: 1,821
1st - i am so very sorry for your loss - making the decision is always heart breaking - and seems so much worse and even unfair when they are young and/or physically healthy. it is never easy - and i can only imagine how hard it has to be when they seem so healthy physically. But the sad truth is they are not healthy - mental illness is still illness.
The truth is your baby was sick - no, not a physical ailment that could be seen this time - but still sick. And as with some physical ailments, some mental ailments cannot be successfully treated. You set your baby free. Even when we free our beloved companions from catastrophic physical ailments like end stage cancer we often go through feeling that same way, it is normal. Guilt is very often the 1st steps on grief’s path, the what ifs and if onlys are simply our grief tormenting us. When we loose these precious souls why really doesn't matter - love is a shared bond and when that bond seems severed it hurts. But your baby will be with you always - free of the aggression they could not control - simply in a form you cannot see. You gave your baby a safe place and you loved them - and you gave them a lifetime of love and care in their time with you then allowed a dignified good-bye allowing them to leave with dignity surrounded by love. You gave them chances where many would not. Please know you did try and in the end had no real choice - what were your baby's options? Life in a cage? Intervention 'on the spot' by the authorities when things got too out of control? Someone scarred and their death happening at the hands of someone trying to stop them? An end that likely would not have been with ones who love your baby or care if they is frightened? You gave your baby a wonderful life where elsewhere they may have known abuse, and gave them every chance you could and you tried to give them a home where they would be safe. When your baby passed to the hands of the angels it was be from love to love, they carried your baby to a place where they is free of the demons that made them aggressive and at that instant your baby understood that you acted out of love and compassion. Your baby is free and happy. Please know all you are feeling right now is normal and no matter what the circumstances is what we have all felt. I am so very sorry for your loss. Know we are here for you and your family. Sadly, we have seen this tale before and we do understand and we know sometimes there is no choice. When you can please share a photo. I feel certain there are so many wonderful memories with your baby , and sharing those sometimes helps. And if you just need someone to sit by your side - well you now belong to a family that circles the globe.
It seemed the day was even grayer than even the greyest of days. The pup found she was suddenly at the edge of the most beautiful place she had ever seen. She could still feel Mom and Dad's tears, hear their sobs. "I'm so sorry Mom and Dad, I really did try but the demons are too strong and sometimes they pushed through." She lowered her head and began to walk away, to be sure she did not deserve to be someplace so lovely. A radiant being in white suddenly stood in her path, surrounded by many other pups of all sizes and breeds. "Please," she implored, "I don't want to, but if you stay near me sooner or later the demons will win and I may hurt one of you. I don't want to hurt anyone, its best if I just go." The radiant being just smiled at her - a soft compassionate smile, at that moment they reminded her of her Mom and Dad. "I let them down so many times, I didn't want the demons to win but sometimes they do. And I left them no choice, I let them down and hurt them yet again." Hero, Seabreeze, Heather, Charlie, Molly, John, Stashie, Hershey, Samson, Morgan, Niko, Jordan, Timber, Dixie, Buddy, Tina, Snickers, Dizzy, Harley, Jack, Kimmi, Sammy, Fender, Tosca, Bruno, tried to gather around the newcommer but she backed away. Seabreeze stepped forward, "We won't hurt you little one." She looked to the radiant being and whimpered, "Please make them leave. I don't want to hurt anyone else." Now the radiant being smiled and actually seemed amused. "Little One, reach within. Can you feel that? Can you feel the demons are gone?" The little one got quiet and after a moment looked up in amazement, "They ARE gone!!" Then she looked at the others around her, "But I've done so many bad things, I don't deserve nice friends. I don't deserve to be in such a wonderful place." Now the others all looked amused. Dizzy spoke up first, "We all felt that way at first." Slowly Dizzy's words filtered in. "You mean . . . ., I am not the only one?" she asked quietly. Tina pushed to the front, "Of course not, all our humans had to make that same choice as yours. But now you're free - the demons are gone." The Little one thought on Tina's words. "What about Mom and Dad? Can I let them know I am free, that I'm sorry?" At that moment all the others grew quiet, the Little One looked to the radiant being and realized they were gone. She looked to the rest afraid their silence meant no. Just then a large silver wolf walked up to her, she knew she should fear a wolf, yet, somehow knew she could trust The Silver One. "Have you all finished monopolizing her time yet? If you are done she still needs to be shown the reflection pond, to be shown . . " Just then the Little One heard a familiar sound, her Mom and Dad. "They are here?" she asked, and she followed the sound. She found herself by the clearest crystal pond, and when she looked into the pond she saw her Mom and Dad." Concentrate on them, Little One. Send your love and thanks to them - from your heart to theirs - and they will feel your love." the Silver One said gently. As she watched her Mom and Dad seemed to calm even thought they were still crying, and her Mom looked up at her Dad, "She is at peace now wrapped in our love." The Little One looked at the Silver One and the others, "Thank You." The Silver One looked at the others and back at her, "You can see them anytime you wish from here. The others will show you how to send them your love, Little One." (c) Candace 11/13/09 All too often people do not want to discuss this type loss, so those who experience making the decision due to issues feel they are alone. aggression All the names of the other ones are real – Fur angels we have seen at PetLoss because their parents had to make that sad decision due to issues. i am sure there are other names also - newer names and names I have accidentally left out. aggression We understand - know that you had no choice and we understand that you are in pain. But your fur child is with the other fur angels - free of the demons she fought against so hard.
Registered: 1190479349 Posts: 41
Ghattenwolf has said it all and so very well, so I don't have a lot to add here. In my work as a moderator on this board I see all kinds of sad pet loss stories, and I think the stories about euthanizing healthy dogs for aggression are among the saddest of all. Come here for comfort; you'll find everyone is sympathetic and understanding.