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BlessedButterfly

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Posts: 6
 #1 
One month ago, I held my sweet Pauli for the last time. I paid a vet to come to my home to put my baby to sleep. His last breath was taken in front of a warm fireplace with relaxing music playing in the background while he laid on my belly I was gifted 13 great years of unconditional love from this magnificent creature, but it went by so fast, and now I forgot who I was before I felt his love. I acquired him from a puppy mill rescue group not as a puppy but as a two-year-old. Physically people always thought he was a puppy. He was a tiny little thing and loved for me to hold him all the time the first few years, but he slowly became somewhat independent, loving to lay in the rays of the sun. He had a show dog prance that I can only describe as watching the to tiniest Clydesdale gallop by. My first small dog with the biggest heart. He would sleep in my purse, in my sweatshirt pocket, it didn’t matter as long as he could feel me; he was happy. Though he was tiny, he was strong. In 13 years, I heard him cry twice, and that’s not including when he broke his toe or nose. For his delicate size, he had a high tolerance for pain. We were obsessed with each other. He always wanted to be near me, and I adored his attention. My husband finally got a taste of what it felt like to be loved by him the last three years of his life. I think Pauli liked it when Daddy would let him snuggle up in his beard. The pain I feel isn’t from the decision to put him to sleep. I know he was suffering, and it was the right thing to do. The pain is in missing the healthy him every day. The instant I wake up, I miss him, and right before I go to sleep, I cry for him. Every morning I would say, “Peanut, it’s time to wake up” and he would just lay there and give me the sly eye like in my profile photo. I imagined him thinking - must I mommy. Pauli was the best snuggle bunny in the world! My day would start with a snuggle and end with a snuggle, i would feel an explosion of endorphins after one of his snuggles and now I’m not getting those endorphin bursts daily. It’s like loosing a love drug. At night he would fall asleep on my belly as I surfed the net and when it was my time to sleep I would lay him next to me and he wouldn’t even wake up during this transfer process. He was the sweetest softest life teddy bear and because of him I felt safe and petting him relieved a lot of my anxiety. I have GAD and Pauli was my emotional support pet. He was my security blanket and now I feel lost without him. I’ve never felt pain like this before. It’s a kind of suffering that has me wailing sobbing. The pain is as raw as it felt the day I said goodbye and as the days pass I’m feeling no relief. Sometimes I wish I never had him because the pain of missing him and the loneliness of life without him can feel debilitating and my faith isn't where I wish it was. People keep telling me that one day we will be together again but I can’t help but think what if that’s not the case. If I imagine he is gone forever i will cry buckets of tears like I’ve never cried over a human being in my life. I wish in a way, that I never felt that kind of love and bond because I don’t know if I can bounce back from this experience the same. It’s as if a part of me died too and I don’t know how to move on. I don’t remember who I was before him. I’ve been told, you never stop missing them but I don’t want to live my life missing him. I want to get to a place of peace because missing him is why I’m here. It hurts so bad so Very very very bad to know I’ll never feel his snuggles again. Those of you with faith please pray that God helps me find mine. I feel if I had faith we will meet again, I will be able to one day wake up and smile thinking of his love knowing he is waiting for me with God above..
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 640
 #2 
It's interesting that you referred to Frank as your love drug...because I have often referred to pet loss as withdrawl. Withdrawing from the love we shared. You have described it perfectly. Every loving thing you had is gone. 


You will bounce back from this.  Grief is cyclical. Even without you doing anything, you are doing to start to heal on your own.  You wil not be in anguish forever. When my dog Tum died I refuted that "I won't be in anguish forever". And trust me when I say I was in anguish.

If someone like me who was in 100% anguish and torture and in some ways didn't even want to live anymore can begin to recover, you can too.
I did not get therapy...this has happened through old fashined time. Time is what has helped with the healing. However in my case a long time. Tum died in 2013 and I am still in the healing process.

I know you will pull out of this if you can hold on.

I am so sad about your situation involving Pauli.

It is heartbreaking.

Sending you love and care,
Stephanie
BlessedButterfly

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #3 

kindness.   Yesterday was the first day since his passing I didn’t cry but to be honest, I was too sick to think about anything.  I recently watched some old videos of my little peanut in his younger years.  Seeing him with sight and mobility helped me visually see how far his health had declined in his last days.  Watching those videos gave me a burst of joy remembering his sweet personality.  It also reassured me; putting him to sleep was the right decision.  The core of my everyday pain comes from missing his daily devotion to loving me every single second of his life.  Every day I get stronger and more accepting of the reality that no matter how much I cry, he won’t come back.  My husband said to gather my top 5 favorite photos of him and create a memorial collage so to honor his life.  I plan to do just that this weekend.

This thought just crossed my mind, what if you and I had left this earth before Tum and Pauli.  Would we want them crying for us until their last days?  Of course not, we would want them to be loved by someone else as much as we loved them.   We would want them to love that person as much as they loved us because there’s no better existence than to love and be loved. 

I will live my life thanking God that our stars aligned, and we were meant to be, and I was the one chosen to be loved and to love him to his last breath.  I type this with a smile, remembering how lucky I am that the United Yorkie Rescue chose me as his mommy.  Pauli had a plethora of applications from people vying for the position, but his foster mommy said she chose me because I was the only one that, when asked where he would sleep, provided a photo of my bed.  Thinking back, I should have submitted a photo of my belly because my belly was his favorite bed.     

Thanks again, Stephanie and wishing you a day filled with happy memories of Tum. 

BlessedButterfly

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #4 

Thank you, Stephanie, for taking the time out to reply to my post.  I appreciate your words and your kindness.   Yesterday was the first day since his passing I didn’t cry but to be honest, I was too sick to think about anything.  I recently watched some old videos of my little peanut in his younger years.  Seeing him with sight and mobility helped me visually see how far his health had declined in his last days.  Watching those videos gave me a burst of joy remembering his sweet personality.  It also reassured me; putting him to sleep was the right decision.  The core of my everyday pain comes from missing his daily devotion to loving me every single second of his life.  Every day I get stronger and more accepting of the reality that no matter how much I cry, he won’t come back.  My husband said to gather my top 5 favorite photos of him and create a memorial collage so to honor his life.  I plan to do just that this weekend.

This thought just crossed my mind, what if you and I had left this earth before Tum and Pauli.  Would we want them crying for us until their last days?  Of course not, we would want them to be loved by someone else as much as we loved them.   We would want them to love that person as much as they loved us because there’s no better existence than to love and be loved. 

I will live my life thanking God that our stars aligned, and we were meant to be, and I was the one chosen to be loved and to love him to his last breath.  I type this with a smile, remembering how lucky I am that the United Yorkie Rescue chose me as his mommy.  Pauli had a plethora of applications from people vying for the position, but his foster mommy said she chose me because I was the only one that, when asked where he would sleep, provided a photo of my bed.  Thinking back, I should have submitted a photo of my belly because my belly was his favorite bed.     

Thanks again, Stephanie and wishing you a day filled with happy memories of Tum. 

BlessedButterfly

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #5 
Christmas this year, though blessed to be in Florida with my family, was bittersweet without my Peanut.  Last time I was at my brother's home, the little guy was with me, and I can't seem to escape missing him, so the tears continue to visit.  It's not that I want to stop thinking about him. I will never stop loving you, Pauli Peanut. It's that I want the memories to give me smiles, not tears.  I was listening to a Tony Robbins YouTube video the other day, and I found it to be quite helpful in managing my grief. He said something along the lines that it's okay to have a bad, negative, thought, etc. but only allow it 90 seconds of your day, so it doesn't become your day, so though I continue to cry, its never for longer than 90 seconds. Being on this forum has helped. I follow MossimoLove. To read that he continues to battle the pain, makes me feel less alone. I love that he heard the hummingbirds the other day and stopped to breathe in the memories and see the sign that his little guy continues to love him from up above. I will never find another Pauli. He was beyond unique; he was special, remarkably unique. From the way he would prance like a Clydesdale as he walked, stopping traffic like a movie star. His snuggles would have made the Christmas Grinch melt like butter. He had this ability to make me feel safe from the world, my 5lb emotional armor protecting me from all life's wrongs. I continue to battle, missing just holding him and, at times, feel selfish, wanting him back to hold. I know I did the right thing putting him to sleep, but a part of me wishes I didn't because maybe he would be with me today, laying on my chest rather than me typing in this forum but I must continue to fight off these thoughts as they only hold me back from moving forward. Thankfully they are passing thoughts. I go back and forth as to whether I should rescue another Yorkie. Sometimes I wonder if having the same size bread dog will fill this void. I rescued him from the United Yorkie Rescue, and I went on their website the other day and saw a little 9-year-old Yorkie that melted my heart, and thought is a different color than my Peanut, had the same heart-melting eyes. I wonder if I can handle another heartbreak, so soon after my Peanut. I know a 9-year-old dog may only have 3-5 years left to gift me their love, but I'm aware that senior dogs are challenging to adopt out, and I know my heart has love to give. I don't know what 2020 has in store, but I do know that it will be the year that I heal, and it will be the year that I will stop crying over saying his name. I return home to Chicago 1/31, and I have decided that if by that time I continue to cry, even if for 90 seconds every day, I will seek a grief counselor to help me move on to the next chapter. Life is beautiful. I have an amazing husband who tells me he loves me every day three-plus times a day and a dog Bazooka and Shaka who love me the only way our pets know-how, with all of their hearts. I want to move on, or I want to move up, I want to be high on life and in a place filled with joy and appreciation of the good and bad in life because I do believe this experience has made me stronger, kinder and I would not want to have been Pauli's mommy.  He was part of some of the best memories of my life for many many years.  And for those memories, I'll forever be in gratitude to God for gifting me him.
BlessedButterfly

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #6 

Please post this post Pet Loss Checker 😉  and Happy New Years!

Christmas this year, though blessed to be in Florida with my family, was bittersweet without my Peanut.  Last time I was at my brother's home, the little guy was with me, and I can't seem to escape missing him, so the tears continue to visit.  It's not that I want to stop thinking about him. I will never stop loving you, Pauli Peanut. It's that I want the memories to give me smiles, not tears.  I was listening to a Tony Robbins YouTube video the other day, and I found it to be quite helpful in managing my grief. He said something along the lines that it's okay to have a bad, negative, thought, etc. but only allow it 90 seconds of your day, so it doesn't become your day, so though I continue to cry, its never for longer than 90 seconds. Being on this forum has helped. I follow MossimoLove. To read that he continues to battle the pain, makes me feel less alone. I love that he heard the hummingbirds the other day and stopped to breathe in the memories and see the sign that his little guy continues to love him from up above. I will never find another Pauli. He was beyond unique; he was special, remarkably unique. From the way he would prance like a Clydesdale as he walked, stopping traffic like a movie star. His snuggles would have made the Christmas Grinch melt like butter. He had this ability to make me feel safe from the world, my 5lb emotional armor protecting me from all life's wrongs. I continue to battle, missing just holding him and, at times, feel selfish, wanting him back to hold. I know I did the right thing putting him to sleep, but a part of me wishes I didn't because maybe he would be with me today, laying on my chest rather than me typing in this forum but I must continue to fight off these thoughts as they only hold me back from moving forward. Thankfully they are passing thoughts. I go back and forth as to whether I should rescue another Yorkie. Sometimes I wonder if having the same size bread dog will fill this void. I rescued him from the United Yorkie Rescue, and I went on their website the other day and saw a little 9-year-old Yorkie that melted my heart, and though he is a different color than my Peanut, he has the same heart-melting eyes. I wonder if I can handle another heartbreak, so soon after my Peanut. I know a 9-year-old dog may only have 3-5 years left to gift me their love, but I'm aware that senior dogs are challenging to adopt out, and I know my heart has love to give. I don't know what 2020 has in store, but I do know that it will be the year that I heal, and it will be the year that I will stop crying over saying his name. I return home to Chicago 1/31, and I have decided that if by that time I continue to cry, even if for 90 seconds every day, I will seek a grief counselor to help me move on to the next chapter. Life is beautiful. I have an amazing husband who tells me he loves me every day three-plus times a day and a dog Bazooka and cat Shaka who love me the only way our pets know-how, with all of their hearts. I want to move on, or I say I want to move up, I want to be high on life and in a place filled with joy and appreciation of the good and bad experience because I do believe this experience has made me stronger, kinder and I would not want to not have been Pauli's mommy.  He was part of some of the best memories of my life for many many years.  And for those memories, I'll forever be in gratitude to God for gifting me him.

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