Registered: 1547573766 Posts: 3
I just put my baby to sleep yesterday. His name was Sundance and he was my baby boy. My cuddle bug, my big guy. He was my baby. I got him at 6 weeks old and he would have been 2 years old this month. He was an amazing baby but he had gotten so aggressive lately. Not towards me or my husband but towards our other dog Jack. Jack was about 2 when I got Sundance as a baby so they grew up together. I got Butch around the same time as Sundance. Hense their names.
One day Sundance randomly went over Jack grabbing him by the throat and holding him down. I eventually got them apart. And kept them separated for awhile. I made sure no toys or treats were outside as hes always been a little food agressive but nothing major. They went back to being fine. Recently I noticed he had been playing really rough with butch too. But nothing like he did with Jack. Yesterday Sundance randomly grabbed Jack again by the throat without warning or anything. He just attacked him. They had been good for a couple months since the last time. Nothing had changed. Nothing new in the yard. Same old same old. My husband and I decided it would be best to put him down. It wasnt fair to Jack to keep getting attacked and it wasnt fair to butch to keep getting played rough with when obviously he didnt like it. I didnt want to put him down. But I also know he would have killed Jack. He also hated other dogs. I didnt want to give him to someone else and worry that he would kill or hurt another dog. I honestly feel like the worst person alive. I made the decision to put him down as it was best for him. I had tried shock collars. And training him and making sure there was nothing to fight over but somehow things kept making him go off. I got him people food for the first time in his life before bringing him in, and took him on the car ride and loved on him. But I still cant help feeling like I did a terrible thing. Why did it have to come down to that. But I couldn't have him hurting my other dogs either. I thought about pulling his canines but knew it would be more painful and hurt him. It would be a selfish choice for me to make to keep him. Instead I put him down. The gentle easy way. I know I'm confusing but I'm ugly crying because I miss him so much. And cant seem to stop hating myself for what I did. I feel like the worst person ever. And I have other people telling me I'm a monster. But they have no idea how bad it was. He was fighting to kill my other dog. I had to get him staples and stitches a couple times from their fights. He went after the throat and wouldn't let go... I dont even know why I'm posting this. Maybe to get it off my chest and feel not so bad. I feel no matter what anyone says they cant make me feel any worse with myself then I already do.
Registered: 1157161163 Posts: 1,821
I doubt anyone here will hate you - we understand. If you look above the post there is a search option, search 'aggression' - you will find a lot of posts on the topic (around 500 threads), a lot of other pet parents in the same pain. 1st - i am so very sorry for your loss - making the decision is always heart breaking - and seems so much worse and even unfair when they are young and/or physically healthy. it is never easy - and i can only imagine how hard it has to be when they seem so healthy physically. But the sad truth is they are not healthy - mental illness is still illness.
The truth is your baby was sick - no, not a physical ailment that could be seen this time - but still sick. And as with some physical ailments, some mental ailments cannot be successfully treated. You set your baby free. Even when we free our beloved companions from catastrophic physical ailments like end stage cancer we often go through feeling that same way, it is normal. Guilt is very often the 1st steps on grief’s path, the what ifs and if onlys are simply our grief tormenting us. When we loose these precious souls why really doesn't matter - love is a shared bond and when that bond seems severed it hurts. But your baby will be with you always - free of the aggression they could not control - simply in a form you cannot see. You gave your baby a safe place and you loved them - and you gave them a lifetime of love and care in their time with you then allowed a dignified good-bye allowing them to leave with dignity surrounded by love. You gave them chances where many would not. Please know you did try and in the end had no real choice - what were your baby's options? Life in a cage? Intervention 'on the spot' by the authorities when things got too out of control? Someone scarred and their death happening at the hands of someone trying to stop them? An end that likely would not have been with ones who love your baby or care if they is frightened? You gave your baby a wonderful life where elsewhere they may have known abuse, and gave them every chance you could and you tried to give them a home where they would be safe. When your baby passed to the hands of the angels it was be from love to love, they carried your baby to a place where they is free of the demons that made them aggressive and at that instant your baby understood that you acted out of love and compassion. Your baby is free and happy. Please know all you are feeling right now is normal and no matter what the circumstances is what we have all felt. i am so very sorry for your loss. Know we are here for you and your family. Sadly, we have seen this tale before and we do understand and we know sometimes there is no choice. When you can please share a photo. I feel certain there are so many wonderful memories with your baby , and sharing those sometimes helps. And if you just need someone to sit by your side - well you now belong to a family that circles the globe.
It seemed the day was even grayer than even the greyest of days. The pup found she was suddenly at the edge of the most beautiful place she had ever seen. She could still feel Mom and Dad's tears, hear their sobs. "I'm so sorry Mom and Dad, I really did try but the demons are too strong and sometimes they pushed through." She lowered her head and began to walk away, to be sure she did not deserve to be someplace so lovely. A radiant being in white suddenly stood in her path, surrounded by many other pups of all sizes and breeds. "Please," she implored, "I don't want to, but if you stay near me sooner or later the demons will win and I may hurt one of you. I don't want to hurt anyone, its best if I just go." The radiant being just smiled at her - a soft compassionate smile, at that moment they reminded her of her Mom and Dad. "I let them down so many times, I didn't want the demons to win but sometimes they do. And I left them no choice, I let them down and hurt them yet again." Hero, Seabreeze, Heather, Charlie, Molly, John, Stashie, Hershey, Samson, Morgan, Niko, Jordan, Timber, Dixie, Buddy, Tina, Snickers, Dizzy, Harley, Jack, Kimmi, Sammy, Fender, Tosca, Bruno, tried to gather around the newcommer but she backed away. Seabreeze stepped forward, "We won't hurt you little one." She looked to the radiant being and whimpered, "Please make them leave. I don't want to hurt anyone else." Now the radiant being smiled and actually seemed amused. "Little One, reach within. Can you feel that? Can you feel the demons are gone?" The little one got quiet and after a moment looked up in amazement, "They ARE gone!!" Then she looked at the others around her, "But I've done so many bad things, I don't deserve nice friends. I don't deserve to be in such a wonderful place." Now the others all looked amused. Dizzy spoke up first, "We all felt that way at first." Slowly Dizzy's words filtered in. "You mean . . . ., I am not the only one?" she asked quietly. Tina pushed to the front, "Of course not, all our humans had to make that same choice as yours. But now you're free - the demons are gone." The Little one thought on Tina's words. "What about Mom and Dad? Can I let them know I am free, that I'm sorry?" At that moment all the others grew quiet, the Little One looked to the radient being and realized they were gone. She looked to the rest afraid their silence meant no. Just then a large silver wolf walked up to her, she knew she should fear a wolf, yet, somehow knew she could trust The Silver One. "Have you all finished monopolizing her time yet? If you are done she still needs to be shown the reflection pond, to be shown . . " Just then the Little One heard a familiar sound, her Mom and Dad. "They are here?" she asked, and she followed the sound. She found herself by the clearest crystal pond, and when she looked into the pond she saw her Mom and Dad." Concentrate on them, Little One. Send your love and thanks to them - from your heart to theirs - and they will feel your love." the Silver One said gently. As she watched her Mom and Dad seemed to calm even thought they were still crying, and her Mom looked up at her Dad, "She is at peace now wrapped in our love." The Little One looked at the Silver One and the others, "Thank You." The Silver One looked at the others and back at her, "You can see them anytime you wish from here. The others will show you how to send them your love, Little One." (c) Candace 11/13/09 All too often people do not want to discuss this type loss, so those who experience making the decision due to aggression issues feel they are alone. All the names of the other ones are real – Fur angels we have seen at PetLoss because their parents had to make that sad decision due to aggression issues. i am sure there are other names also - newer names and names I have accidentally left out. We understand - know that you had no choice and we understand that you are in pain. But your fur child will be with the other fur angels - free of the demons he fought against so hard.
Registered: 1159226963 Posts: 333
I can't think that anyone would hate you for doing exactly what you had to do. What strength and courage it must have taken you to make this necessary decision with an animal you had from a small puppy.
I have seen people make endless excuses for a dangerous animal whom they love very much. I interviewed for a pet sit with one such family. There were two dogs in the family. The gentler, older dog trembled constantly and had a panicked look in her eyes. Poor creature. I did not take this job and I always wonder about what happened. Another pet sit was with three dogs. One of the dogs threatened me every time I let her out of her crate. I had to talk to her like a thousand demons from hell to back off. A great Dane in the family had had it's ear shredded into pieces which were held together by some sort of staples. That poor dog cried all night in pain. The owner never told me ahead of time what I was getting into. Made excuses. Put me and the other pets in danger. You did not let others suffer any more harm or danger, and did what required great courage and resolve. Lynda
Registered: 1547573766 Posts: 3
Honestly I am having a rough time. I opted to have him cremated and its been 2 full weeks and I still dont have my baby home. They keep saying they will call me, they will call me. Was told a week, then two weeks. I am in tears. To make matters worse I looked it up and I read some horror stories about the places that do the cremation. That I might not even get his ashes back. That I might be getting another babies mixed in with mine. I didn't even ask my vet where he was going. I don't think my husband did either. I was so emotional I wasnt thinking. I should have brought him home! What did I do?!? Where is my baby and why havent I got him home?! I miss him and am ready for him to be back. Why do I have to do this. Why did I do this to him. Where is he....
I need to go go the vets actual office and talk to them. Its 4 am and I'm awake worried about all this. Been up since 3 am. The vet will open in about 4 hours. I hope I get answers... I am honestly a wreck right now. Thank you both for your kind words. I am still having struggling days. This is honestly killing me and the waiting for him back feels worse. I have read over your words so many times but been to ashamed of myself to right back. I have absolutely no idea what to do anymore. I just want my baby back. I have no idea where he is. I want him home...... honestly this is hitting me so hard and I am having a terrible time coping. I drive by the vet where he went and I have to try so hard not to cry every day. I look over and say I'll see you soon buddy. Or I cant wait to have you home. Or I miss you... its been 2 long weeks when can I have him back?!?! I'm almost furious it's taking this long!!
Registered: 1157161163 Posts: 1,821
I'd call and ask when his ashes will be in, also if the vet can set a time to talk with you. You may also want to check out the chat room here if you have not - it is open 24/7 and if no one is there just keep checking, someone else likely will be there shortly who also needs someone to talk to.
Registered: 1549040534 Posts: 1
Yes tough day today...3 days now my Momo gone.
Registered: 1547573766 Posts: 3
They didn't individually creamate him even though I paid the 200 for it. They said it was a mistake and they are sorry but that does not bring my baby back. What did I do so wrong to deserve this.... how do I live with myself? He will never be back home with me.... who can mess up like that... he was thrown in a pile of random dogs and creamed. Not individual. No dignity or remorse. Why did this happen...
Registered: 1157161163 Posts: 1,821
loss is so hard - but please know that you did nothing wrong - cremation affects only the shell - the garment Sundance wore, not Sundance.
Please try this: 1st I want you to visualize an absolutely perfect walnut - notice the color, the smell, the weight, what the shell feels like, the shape. Can you see it? Now visualize a large hammer - pick it up, feel it's weight, feel the texture of the handle, the balance of the tool. Okay, now slam the walnut with the hammer so that you shatter the shell (just the shell) Look at it - note the destruction, the mess. Now look again. The shell is shattered right? Look closely. Is the walnut destroyed? Or is only the shell gone? Can you still see what makes the walnut what it is? - the morsel that we can use? We are all (all living beings) not so different from a walnut. We all wear a shell - an outer garment we hold onto for a season. But, like the walnut, the body that is our shell eventually wears out and breaks or is shattered. But our soul, what makes us who we are, is still intact. When the shell shatters it is like a shirt we have worn out, we discard it and move on. © Candace The Walnut - a tale about the truth of what is life They seemed an unlikely pair as they played through the fall - so very different. The small furry knew most of his other friends and even his family did not understand, but he didn't care for he knew the walnut was a true friend. Hours they would spend playing, laughing, talking, just sitting together. It was a magical fall and both seemed to sense that it was special. They were very different to be sure, but as they saw it that simply meant they each had different gifts and strengths to share. As the fall progressed those around the furry one became concerned, they knew the walnut had only one season and the furry one would one day be left behind - and they could see the signs of age on the walnut, scratches and cracks in the shell, dulling of the glossy shell. That the furry one did not seem to see the changes worried them. One morning the furry one ran out to be with his friend and found him laying amongst the shattered bits that were left of his shell and his heart broke. He buried the bits and sat to cry for the loss of his friend. As he sat deep in grief his tears fell to the earth. His family and friends tried at first to console him but quickly moved on - it was just a walnut after all. So the furry one moved into the cold windy days of winter, each day going to the place where he had lost his friend - each day finding hope that it had been a dream dashed and feeling so very alone. As will the seasons, winter gave way to spring - and life seemed determine to renew itself. One morning when the furry one arrived at the place he went to feel close to his lost friend he was surprised to find a small sapling reaching up to celebrate the sun. 'Who are you? How dare you take this place!!' the furry one proclaimed. The small sapling chuckled, 'Did you really think I would leave you?' Now the furry one was shocked - the sapling spoke with his friend the walnut's voice. 'I never left you dear friend. True, my shell shattered, but that shell was just a garment I wore for that season. I have been here with you as you sat and I tried to tell you not to cry. And I am here and will be always,' the walnut said softly.