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KatKat

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Posts: 164
 #1 
Unlike many of you I didn't have my beautiful kitten very long.  However, I am experiencing some of the same feelings.  Sadness and guilt, somewhat overwhelming.  Difficulty eating and sleeping, questioning why I allowed something to happen to my pet, why I didn't do things differently. 

How I could have put my kitten in a position where my dog killed her.  Please don't judge me, I would never have purposely have allowed the events that unfolded to happen.  Trust me, I am judging myself enough. My pain is so deep and relentless.  My entire life I have loved animals of all kinds.  My entire life I have had pets in my life, various kinds and I have loved and cared for all of them.  I have picked up many types of injured wild life and driven them to the wild life rehab center.  I have stopped and picked up more than 1 dog who was running down the street, taken the animal to my vet so it could be scanned for a microchip and then have personally taken the dog to reunite it with it's owner.  I just wanted another beautiful creature in my life to love.  I loved her the minute I saw her.

 I messed up terribly, I want so much to take it back, change it, fix it. I keep going over it in my head, I keep punishing and judging myself.  I'm just getting through the day, doing only the things that are absolutely necessary.

I have an appointment with a counselor I've seen in the past but I'm already wondering if deep down she will judge me that she will think you should have known better.

Thank you for listening.


Napalmakita66

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Posts: 86
 #2 
Anyone on these boards can never be questioned about their love of animals. You were the first to respond when I posted about losing my Akita.
No one should ever be judged..there are no instructions to this life and we all are doing the best we can and what we think is right. My pup was gone far too soon for me. But I didn't create this world and I certainly can't explain why things happen when they do.
I'm so sorry your going through this. You seem like an amazing, wonderful human being. I'm sure,like all of us struggling right now, you will be stronger, more caring and an even more loving soul. And if your therapists seems judgmental in the least..find another one, there are plenty. Thank you for helping me and know your in my thoughts.
DanC

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Posts: 25
 #3 
Hi KatKat,

I’m extremely confident when I say no one is judging you. You did not or could not have foreseen that this was to happen. The reason I believe this is due to the pain and guilt you are experiencing. If you felt for a second that this might have occurred, you would never have done it. You are a good person with a kind heart and compassion. I will pass along something that someone told me once before, the only one that can forgive you is yourself. From personal experience that is a tough one to do, but I really do hope overtime you can forgive yourself. Unfortunately, you will probably never know why your dog reacted that way, as I assume from the past he never exhibited this type of behaviour, especially the way he is with the ferret. You made the decision based upon what you witnessed and experienced. You had no crystal ball or any other measure to predict the future.
KatKat

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Posts: 164
 #4 
Thank you to both of you for your kind words, I can't tell you how much that means.  I woke up again with a heavy heart, an emptiness in the pit of my stomach but your words do ease it a bit.  Thank you.
KatKat

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Posts: 164
 #5 
Every time I climb my stairs I see my little kitty playing on them.  She loved to run up and down and I would chase after her and she would run around the corner when she got to the top and I would wait at the top and she would playfully poke her head around and would bat at my outstretched hand.  In her short time she gave so much to me and I loved her so much.  I just want to bury my face in her, hear her purring, feel her against my back when I sit in my office chair because she loved to cuddle against me as I worked on my computer.  My husband doesn't get my level of grief, why I just barely get through my day.  

Dan C. your words have been so kind but I can't help to think I should have done something differently because he did show agression over toys with my smaller, older dog who passed 1.5 years ago (had to euthanized because he became very ill and he was 16 yrs old) so I didn't allow toys out around the two of them, I never left them alone together.  I have another topic posted prior to this one if you wish to read it, it will explain more and why I feel so guilty.  I never left my kitty alone with my dog, took a lot of precautions but not enough.  I never would have purposely allowed something so horrific to happen, maybe it's a bigger lesson that is trying to teach me to be more focused.  I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow and I know there will be a lot of crying.  Luckily her office is very close to my home so afterwards I don't have too far to go to come home afterwards.  

Thank you



Napalmakita66

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Posts: 86
 #6 
Mornings are brutal for me. Every day started with me and the pup going on our walk. I share your greif and pain. We learn, we grow and one day at a time things get better.
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 86
 #7 
KatKat...it's a tragic mistake, but I think it's just that..a mistake. The poor dog probably made a mistake perhaps identifying the kitten as a toy.
I know how you feel, I'm replaying every thing frame by frame, wondering if I did all I could. It's part of greiving. The fact is we do the best we can and occasionally there will be times where we slip up or things just don't go our way. I'm sure your an amazing person and my heart goes out to you.
KatKat

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Posts: 164
 #8 
Napalmakita66 - Thank you so much for your kind words, it helps take the "sting" out of some of what I'm feeling. Reading your words has made my eyes tear, your kindness is invaluable at this time.  I know you are struggling and the fact that you can reach out to me is especially appreciated and valued.  Although I know I am not infallible and like every other human, I have and will continue to make mistakes.  I am just so sorry that it resulted in such a beautiful, trusting creature losing her life.  If only, if only, if only.



 

Napalmakita66

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Posts: 86
 #9 
I'm glad I could say something that might ease the pain, even slightly. Hang in there and we'll get through this together.
KatKat

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Posts: 164
 #10 
Thank you so much Napalmakita66, "together" means everything right now.  I woke up again with such a heavy heart.  I've lost 5 lbs, feel like I'm in a fog.  I make myself eat a few bites of something here and there but my stomach just feels so sick.  I go to work and luckily we are slow right now and due to the nature of my job it is not a full workday.  It does distract me a bit but by mid afternoon I am just so tired and wrung out.  I see my counselor today, one part of me is glad so I can begin to work through this the other part is terrified because I know talking about the event will be traumatic in itself.  I miss my little girl so much.  My dog knows somethings not right, I've gotten over being mad at him, it was my error, he was just protecting something but I just have no joy in me when I engage with him but I have no joy in anything right now.  Thanks for listening and allowing me to express my grief.

Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 86
 #11 
I'm in the same boat. It's 0900 and a beautiful day...would have been a great morning for a walk around the park with my boy. But I want nothing to do with it, I'm still in bed. I'm lost without him getting my day started and getting to sleep at night is not much better. I used to be in the gym 4 days a week..haven't been since the day he left.
It's great your going to therapy. I know telling the story seems like salting the wound, but I found the more I shared with people who cared, the easier it got to talk about it. I don't believe in closure, but it does help to accept it just a little more. And getting support and understanding from another human being will certainly help. I truly hope it helps to soften your pain and easing your troubled mind. It's a step in the right direction..right now that's all I can do...one step at a time.
KatKat

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Posts: 164
 #12 
I wish so much for both of us that things were different.  Glad we can talk about it, does help to see your kind words and to respond to your pain with the hope that out of my tragedy I can help someone else even if it's just a little bit.  I just wish I would wake up and it's all just some horrible nightmare.  I am just so tired and sad and I don't know what to do with my pain.  I know you are feeling the same.  Wish I had a magic wand that could fix it for both of us.  Yes....one step at a time, one day at a time.
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 86
 #13 
I think one day we will wake up...somewhere more beautiful and magical then anything we can imagine. And that's when we'll all be together again.
I don't know why they left or where they might be but I know our souls are eternally connected. The love we shared goes on forever and in their hearts they want us to be happy..the same as we want for them.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 164
 #14 
yes, my kittie loved unconditionally as did all the pets I've had over the years.  I've always felt so connected to animals and that will never change.  I believe that heaven or wherever one believes their soul will go does include all creatures.  Just hoping that this pain begins to lessen soon.  


Sunriseview1

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Posts: 9
 #15 
Thank you for sharing. Im hurting myself after losing my beloved dog Roxy(11 years old) im feeling guilt, depression loss of appetite, weakness i think ill make an appointment to see counselor too.
KatKat

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Posts: 164
 #16 
I saw the counselor today, she's someone I've seen in the past for different reasons and I like her a lot.  She is also a pet lover and has lost a couple of pets to traumatic circumstances and shared this with me.  I cried and expressed all my feelings of guilt and anger at myself, it was a bit cleansing.  I have made an appointment for next week.  I know this pain and regret will not be magically gone, and I have some work ahead but after seeing her and hearing from so many wonderful people on this website I see some hope that things will get better.  So sorry about Roxy, I want you to know that your pain and sadness are heard and my heart cries for you.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 86
 #17 
Glad it went well. You should be proud of yourself for taking a big step forward. And yes, it will get better
DanC

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Posts: 25
 #18 
Hi KatKat,

I’m so happy that you are seeing someone to assist you through this tough and painful time. My goes heart to you. It is big step to ask for help.
Sunriseview1

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Posts: 9
 #19 
Thank you katkat that's very kind of you. It means alot.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 164
 #20 
 To all of you - Thank you so much for your ongoing support and kind words at a time when you are also hurting so much.  You make me feel so supported and cared for.  Thank you for not judging me.  I know I have a lot of work ahead of me and with your words, thoughts and prayers each day will become a little less painful.  My continued thoughts and prayers are with all of you as well.

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #21 
Hi KitKat,
I am so sorry for your loss.  Your guilt is not unusual. I had a tragic loss, too and it's been hard to let go of my guilt.  So many of us go over and over what we could have done better. I am still going over what I didn't do and it's been almost 5 months. I'm told time helps.  I must be a slowpoke. You may regret deleting pictures and videos. I can't look at mine yet either but they are the only images of my dog I can hold onto, I won't delete mine. I would surely regret it. There will be a day when I begin to have the strength to view them.  You will have that day, too.  You won't be judged here.  This is a safe place to express yourself without judgment. Everyone understands because we are grieving for many different types of losses.  Please continue to use this forum to reach out. Outside of pet loss forums I only have one other support system. My outside support is also a grief counselor. There's no time limit to grieve. I am told acceptance and letting go of guilt will take less toll on us.  I am thinking of you and sending prayers your way. ~ Parker's Mom
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 164
 #22 
Thank you so much for your kind words, you're right, I shouldn't delete her pictures or videos because she was a part of our life and deserves to be remembered and treasured and when I'm ready the pictures will support her memory.  Everyday I wake up, think about her, miss her, love her and feel regret and guilt.  I really messed up, I know none of us are infallible and mistakes happen or there are things that are just totally out of our control but I'm not at a point where I can forgive myself and move on yet.  Thank you Parker's Mom and everyone else on this forum who are also grieving a loss for allowing me to express my feelings, for not judging me, for being there for me.    
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 86
 #23 
She's right..don't erase anything. I've made that mistake so many times..let the emotions settle.
I don't worry about forgiving you because I can't blame you in the first place. I can't begin to explain why things happen the way they do. I have my own explanations..but it doesn't matter. The fact is this was a mistake...nothing done intentionally, not a drop of malice. Your a sweet, gentle person..I can feel that energy.
I've learned a lot as a recovering alcoholic..I've done some real damage in people's lives..including my own. I can't spend my life saying sorry over and over, dragging around guilt. It's not that I don't want to..in a way it would be easier to beat myself down some more. But the fact is that it's not the solution. It just doesn't help.
I've had to forgive myself and be ok with the fact that whatI've done is gone. I've made my amends, turned it over to my higher power, hit the reset button and then my battery can start to recharge. Next is I always learn a lesson and simply vow to never let it happen again. What more is there to do? Helping other people is what I try. The fact that I've experienced a trauma means I can share a message and maybe help someone else.
I'm so sorry if this sounds like me over simplifying. There's nothing easy about any of this. Losing my Katsu is hands down the hardest thing I've been through. So I keep you in my thoughts and I'll send some positive energy your way. Maybe we can both start to recharge our batteries soon.
Be well
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 164
 #24 
Napalmakita66 - Thank you as always for all of your kind words and wisdom.  I also feel that your energy is one of kindness and caring and it continues to make all of this more bearable. The fact that you continue to reach out despite your own pain speaks worlds about who you are and it is so appreciated.  I also wish you well and will continue to keep you in my thoughts.
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #25 
Thinking of you KatKat.  Guilt is a big word that shrouds our ability to grieve.  Our grief is clouded by guilt.  We become frozen, stuck, unable to to find peace.  Please know I understand your pain.  I hope time is a key to healing.  I need time to show me the way before I fall apart.  

Thinking of you and your little kitten who loves you. 

~ Parkeer's Mom


KatKat

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Posts: 164
 #26 
Hi Parker's Mom,

Sorry for my late reply.  Thank you for thinking of me.  I think about you and what you are going through as well.  I'm doing a little better, still have those moments where my head and heart go to a "bad place."  Still just so darn tired and feel like my zest for life has been stunted.  One day at a time.  Thank you as always for your kind words.


MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #27 
Hi KatKat,
I'm glad you're doing a little better, but sad you tend to go to a bad place. I haven't left the dark hole in 5 months. Sometimes I feel I'm sinking. I want to smile again. I'm Laugh again. Feel like me again. I'm overshadowed with despair. Part of me is missing. If I could see him in a dream I'd have some hope that I can be me again. For now I am a shell. -- Parker's Mom
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 164
 #28 
I'm sorry Parker's mom.  Have you had a Dr. recommend medication to help with your depression?  Something else that may help is starting to take some walks, maybe in a nice area such as a park.  I know the thought of exercise when you are depressed can be overwhelming, start slowly and work into it.  Exercise releases endorphins which are mood elevators. Exercise can also help improve your sleep.  You need good restorative sleep to help settle your overtaxed nervous system down some.  Other things that may help is watching a funny movie so at least you can laugh a little bit, trying to find a hobby that you can put your energy into.  You may still have those moments of despair but if you can find some brief relief it's a start.  You will have to make yourself do these things in the beginning.  Working on feeling better is ok, it doesn't mean that you are forgetting Parker it just means that you are taking care of yourself so that you can start to enjoy your life.    As awful as the entire situation regarding your loss of Parker is, it's important that you find a way to move forward and feel better.  You have to do it in your own time but try to start with one thing to help you on your way and as you feel better you can add more things.  Parker loved you and he brought sunshine to your life and you gave him a great life, you were so important to him, you are important to your other dogs.  You are important to others in your life.  What happened to Parker and what happened to you because of his loss is sad and tragic and hurts like heck, please look into some things to assist yourself in moving forward with your grieving process, you deserve to feel relief and to feel happy.  You will never forget Parker, however, there will be a time when the tragic part won't be so vivid and painful and you can focus more on what beauty he brought to your life.  Your grief and pain are acknowledged and I think of you often. -K
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #29 
Hi KatKat,
Thank you. I tried one antidepressant that had the least side effects and it was the brand. It was okay for 2 weeks and the last 3 weeks of it was horrible. I had chest pain and began trembling and it was horrible on my gastro system. I stopped it. I won't try another one. I feel so stuck. I don't know how to get out of this. I'm not that strong. This is awful. I'm still crying every day. Cried myself to sleep last night. I saw the counselor yesterday. I asked him about EMDR. Maybe he will address that in the visit. Tonight and tomorrow I expect to complete my state complaint, maybe that will give me some relief once I send it. I hope they take the case. There's no guarantee. I need justice and I need to help save another furry friend going to that office. I wish ~ Parker's Mom
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #30 
Hi KatKat, 

I don't think I ever asked what your kitten's name was. I'm trying to find it in the posts. I'm thinking of you and her during this Memorial Day week.  I hope she is at peace. I hope she is playing with Parker and they are keeping each other good company.  I wish we could see them again.  I'd settle for him to show up in a dream. ~ Parker's Mom
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 164
 #31 
Carly girl.  Such a beautiful little creature.  She loved to play and loved to cuddle.  She would curl up behind my back when I worked in my office.  She loved to drag my tennis shoes throughout my office, I haven't moved them since I lost her 3 weeks ago.  I miss her so much.  Wish I could turn back time and change that day but I can't so I'm trying to move forward.  I think of her everyday.  Miss her everyday.  Revel in how beautiful, sweet and care free she was.  Truly God's creature.  Thanks for asking.  Wish I could see them too.  We will all meet someday, I feel confident.  K
loveforBrandon

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #32 
I feel everyone's pain.  I put my cockerspaniel to sleep on Saturday.  On Friday, everyone in the family came over to say their good-bye's.  My husband and I planned out the morning for him.  We put in bed with us and showered him with love.  Then we went on a long walk around the lake  (him in the wagon as he could not walk far).  He usually stood for the ride -- this time he laid down. He loved car rides and sticking his head out of the window - with his adorable floppy ears in the wind -- so that was next. Then we took him to breakfast at his favorite diner and sat outside on the patio.  Kids loved on him.  We ordered him ham and sausage -- he was so happy. The last thing that we did was drive by our old house where he lived 14 years of his 17 years. I held him and told him how much we all loved him - he was deaf and did not see perfectly so I was sure that we made eye contact. Then it was time.  We drove to the vet. We sat in a family room - we brought his bed and blanket. Then our vet - such a wonderful person walked us through the process.  I was sobbing.  It was painless and he peacefully went to sleep. I stayed in the room and held him for 10 minutes.  Covered him up and we left.  

I am a strong person -- I lost both of my parents -- my mom when I was 4; my dad when I was 9.  Blessed to be adopted -- both have passed on as well. I am a 26 year breast cancer survivor.  Handled by brother's suicide. I am strong!  But this has absolutely wrecked me.  I know it has only been 3 days and my head knows that it was the right thing -- but my heart has totally taken over me.  I cry on and off all day.  He was my best friend -- loyal and loving.  How do I move forward?  I travel and consult and leave tomorrow morning for a 3 day business trip.  Any advice?

KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 164
 #33 
You truly are a survivor.    It's normal to question our decisions with regard to euthanasia.  I've had to make that choice more than one time and even though I knew it was best it broke my heart each time. What a beautiful way all of you said goodbye to your beloved boy.  Know that you showed your sweet furbaby love throughout his life and when he left this earth and he felt it.  Time is a great healer, you won't forget your boy but the pain will ease up.  Try to distract yourself as much as possible during your trip, when I lost my kitten I was able to distract myself through work.  You will have to move through the grieving process in your own way and own time.  Keep visiting this forum, reach out to others that are also hurting, it helped me.  So sorry for what you are going through.  It will get easier.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  Have a safe trip.
boonzozomom

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Posts: 7
 #34 
imagine ur pet is with you and that he would do anything to cheer you up. I do this sometimes bc my pup would come to me and jump up and scratch at my knee if i cried. he didn’t want to see my sad. I close my eyes and imagine that he is there and he doesn’t want me to suffer. It helps to ease my pain. Helen keller said “what we have once enjoyed, we can never lose..All that we love deeply, become a part of us.”
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 164
 #35 
Helen Keller's words speak the truth😉 Boonzozomom is correct, positive visualization can be a great tool to help with many types of pain.  Mindfulness may also help.  Sit outside, close your eyes and listen......count how many different sounds you hear while breathing slow and deep.  The relief you get may only last for a short time but it gives your mind a break from the emotional pain.  I also think "stop" when my mind visits the traumatic event surrounding the loss of my kitten and "you did the best that you could."  It's been helpful.  Again so sorry you had to say goodbye to your sweet baby, my thoughts will be with you during your day.

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