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Posts: 2
It's 3 AM here and I can't sleep due to the guilt and grief I'm feeling. I put my 17 year old cat Moo-Moo down today, somewhat unexpectedly though I knew it was coming eventually. This cat was my first cat on my own that I got when I was 19 and he saw so many seasons of my life- boyfriends, my husband, 3 kids, first home. He had had bloodwork done in January and all checked out except for early signs of kidney disease, so I put him on a prescription diet. He started to decline the next few months, seemingly due to old age, but it was nothing specific until the last two days when I noticed he hadn't eaten or used his litter in over 24 hours and hadn't moved from the same spot on the couch.

Here's where I can't cope right now. I panicked this morning worried about him and rushed him to urgent care to figure out what was wrong. In my head I guess I knew it could be time but I didn't want to believe it and thought instead that I'd get a diagnosis of the issue and would head home with him later that morning. I had always wanted to do Lap of Love for him (at-home euthanasia) when the time came because he gets so stressed at the vets and I wanted him to pass peacefully on our laps at home. But at the same time, I wanted to know what was wrong with him to see what to do. I didn't feel I could make the determination to euthanize without a medical reason.

The vet found fluid in his abdomen and, with my permission, did an ultrasound and found a large tumor in his stomach. She told me it was time. I was dumbfounded. I had no questions, other than asking if I could take him home and she said technically I could but that the best thing for him would be to put him down. They brought him in and he wouldn't lay down and kept going into corners to hide. I couldn't even spend his last moments with him calmly on my lap like I had imagined because those moments at the vet weren't quality time. The vet and staff were very nice and gave us lots of time and he passed with all 5 of my family members holding onto him, but now that it's all said and done I am so grief-stricken that I took him in and didn't just have someone come to the house. I'm so sad that he was poked and prodded in his last hours, scared at the vet when I could have left him curled up on the couch. I didn't know, but I wish I would have made the choice on my own.

I felt I was making the best choices with the information I had but I am so devastated to lose him. I didn't even spend time with him this morning because I was so worried about him I just rushed him off. I'm sick about it and can't sleep, thinking about how he was likely scared and anxious before he went to sleep.

Posts: 837
I am so sorry for your lost of your dear Moo Moo. We all have the best of intentions when it concerns those we love but sometimes things change so quickly that what we plan simply doesn't work out. My last two losses were two kitties with serious illnesses that were doing fairly well and they crashed suddenly and had to be euthanized immediately. Your Moo knows how much you love him, you showed him everyday. Kidney disease is a vicious thing. My little 13 year old dog was diagnosed with it in November and is hanging in there, each day is a blessing. Moo may not be with you physically but he will always be in your heart. Love is an unbreakable bond and I truly believe we will be with them again. Please take care. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Piper's mommy, forever and one day more.

Posts: 2
Thank you for your reply.

I've had lots of emotions today which I'm sure is normal but mostly I've felt lots of guilt and am going through all the what-ifs. We were away for slightly over 24 hours on Monday and I left food and water for Moo but didn't think about having someone come to the house since it was just overnight and we'd be back the next day. When I got home it was clear he was different and wasn't really eating and not moving. The vet said he was dehydrated when I brought him in. He liked to drink out of the toilet instead of his water bowl (ugh, I know) but I had closed the bathroom door before we left and now I'm beating myself up that I did that, wondering if that's why he got so dehydrated. Maybe there could have been more time with him had I not done that. I know it isn't helpful for me to heal if I think that way but I can't help it today. I keep thinking of him passing into unconsciousness and then ultimately passing away. I was in the room with his lifeless body and it just felt weird touching him and being with him because I knew it wasn't him anymore. At the same time, now I'm wishing I had soaked up every last moment with him, but I was in too much shock.

I hope tonight I can actually sleep. Tomorrow is Easter and I have 3 kids to take care of and put on a happy face for the holiday, but it's so hard not to just break down crying constantly.
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