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ubergen

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #81 
Jack was a 10 year old beagle.  He bit the base of my thumb in a slash yesterday at 3:30a in the dark, in bed, when I thought I was reaching to pet the puppy.  I thought I would pass out or be sick from the pain and shock.  I knew immediately this bite meant a resolution I didn't want to make.  In the ER I went so far as to try to bargain my way out of stitches, still hoping it wasn't SO bad.  The ER doc insisted on stitches and an antibiotic rx.  In the day I tried calling around for a place to quarantine for 10 days, because I didn't feel comfortable with Jack around the kids and the new puppy.  Honestly, now, I can say I was afraid for myself as well.  I gave my vet. the full history.  3 weeks ago Jack bit the old puggle companion and it became infected and required stitches.  Jack also jumped up to the height of a bistro table to snatch food from my then 4-year-old kids mouth (2 years ago) and 'accidentally' bit her in the process.  I wish now I'd stuck to my guns and had him re-homed then to a place without kids, but I was argued down 'but he's a family member', and didn't want to strain the household with what would've looked like 'mom decided...'  
  Both the ER doc and the vet. used clear terms: increasing aggression, dog anxiety, age and neurological change, children and injury, liability.  The vet. gave me the news that in our state we didn't have to wait 10 days if we agreed and paid for the university to conduct rabies testing post-mortem.  Jack was put down at 2:30p that day, less than 12h after the bite.  That was yesterday.  
  I stood through explaining the situation to both the kids and spouse and hearing that Jack was 'being killed', the tears, the shock of the swift timing.  I felt the guilt later, afterwards.  At the time I operated on sheer parental protection mode.  I'd never had a dog bite into a person like this, and I was assured in this situation by the vet. that training him out of it was nearly guaranteed to be unsuccessful.  
  Today is better.  As a family we've been reading on-line the process others have gone through, and some of the deeper pain of not acting sooner and the consequences.  Today we've taken an inventory of the progression of Jack's aggression and how we bent our lives around his behavior.  I forgot that in the last 6-9 months he started attacking the puggle at least once a month, and that the poor puggle has been bitten several times by Jack.  We admitted we got the highest table we could find to keep Jack away from us when we had food.  We realized we went from a dog who could be cuddled by strange toddlers to one we would never walk to the school, from a dog who we would introduce to people on walks to one who we would automatically cross the street with if anyone was approaching, from a dog who was great with our housekeeper's puppies to one who we would never leave alone with our puppy, from a dog who would curl up in our laps to one who would growl sporadically when we would pet him.  He was a people-loving dog we could trust with service-people in our house when we weren't home, until some time undetected we stopped scheduling services unless we were home to lock him in another room.
  Today is better.  There's been an absence of everyone yelling to close the door, push in the chair, "Jack, get down", and odd routines around safety at food times.  We got sleep we haven't in years, because Jack isn't waking us with snapping and barking and growling because someone moved a leg in their sleep, multiple times a night.  The now 6 yo occasionally crawls in bed in the middle of the night.  If it were her and not me he bit it would have been devastating damage on a smaller person or puppy.  The puggle hasn't cried or whimpered once today, because there's no one antagonizing him. 
  I was always the one person he never bit, until he did.  He had to go that far to finally get the message across, he was sick and miserable, and none of us were facing it, because otherwise he was so healthy.  We have swiftly been able to recover somewhat from the guilt today, but there's an abiding sense of shame that he was signaling, progressively, that he was getting older and getting unwell mentally while we misguidedly re-arranged life to accommodate his decline.  We've made a family pact now to be watchful for sacrificing family health and happiness for a pet family-member.  The spouse kindly admitted that before Jack was put down yesterday, he let him have treat-foods and wanted to pet him, but didn't trust him not to snarl or bite.  He said he was afraid of him, and is realizing now we all have been for a while.  We miss his prior sweetnesses and funny ways, but that wasn't the dog we put down yesterday.  
  A friend v. supportively said "if it was the neighbor's dog and it bit your child, what would that feel like?  How is it different that it was your dog and it bit you?  Now, what if it was your dog that bit the neighbor's child?"  Those equations all have an equal sum for me now and I know we did the right thing.  

Christina278

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #82 
Thank you so much for sharing your stories.
This coming Tuesday I will be doing the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I will have to put my boy to sleep. He is a 7 year old bloodhound and I have had him for 6 years.
He has become my best buddy. We walked every day, twice a day. He loved walking so much he never wanted to stop.
Unfortunately, he hasn't had the best life. Before he was a year old he was in 4 homes. At that time it wasn't due to any aggressive behavior, it was due to his size. He is 100 pounds.
He has bitten my husband around 10 times, he has only bitten me once but, it was in the face. I know I should have probably done it then but, I have a huge heart and I was willing to do anything for him.
We worked with a therapist and he was diagnosed with PTSD and high anxiety. So to make everyone safe we purchased a muzzle and he wore it when ever we had company over. He did extremely well for many years.
But, 4 months ago he had gotten bitten by a fly and that through his anxiety in overdrive. He even stopped walking. Which was not like him at all. He even started isolating himself.
So last Monday I had our vet come to cut his nails because he had to be sedated. Because we walked all of the time he has never had to have his nails cut.
Well he was so anxious and fearful the sedation wouldn't take effect. So the Vet attempted to lift his back paw up and this had him extremely terrified. Even though I was laying right next to him.
She was only able to cut 3 nails and I could tell she was fearful. His nails were already too long. They looked like bear paws. The vet explained to me that if he doesn't start walking again he won't be able to keep his weight off and he will most likely get worse with age. He already doesn't let me help him if he needs it. So after many days of tears and trying to wrap my head around it I have made the decision to let him go.
I know he can't be living his quality of life bring so fearful of everything. I just hate that someone had done this to him.
The Vet did agree that I made the right decision. She also told me I gave him 6 years of life that he probably would of never had. I know he would of never been able to be adopted.
I know this is long but, I have to say this has been cathartic and has helped me.
Thank you to all for sharing your stories on this hard topic.
mayapapaya3

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #83 
This post is hitting me hard and I just discovered it upon a desperate late night google search. I am feeling so guilty, full of regret, and feeling of hating myself so intensely for having to put out 1 1/2 year old pitbull Bean to sleep. He had bitten 2 people and started to bite our senior, very gentle pitbull. But around me and my dad and a few others, he was the biggest cuddler and sweetheart. We tried everything, trainers, collars, but at the end of the day; we both work most of the day and he was a young dog that needed so much more. Was turned down by every single shelter within pretty much my entire state (and world it seems like). Full of the zoomies and kisses and howled when you got home from excitement and love. I cannot even begin to describe how low and terrible I feel. Does anybody know of anything I can do to help this feeling that he thought of me the entire time, or that he hated me for it? 


Katchat

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #84 
Hi,

I havent been on the message board for a while, but boy have I began to heal, not a day goes by that I dont think of my Hunter boy and I still wonder what if?? Should we of, could we of??? But no we really had done everything we could, and now the grief isn't so raw I see that I see that had he ripped my sons face apart that day the should we of and could we ofs would still be there, but it would be about a whole different ball game. We decided to fill our home with another dog, and by no means does he replace Hunter but Bailey has helped us heal and healed our house feel like home again, he has also allowed my son to build up confidence around dogs again.
So please if I can offer one bit of advice it's to take time, you will heal in ur own way at ur own pace xxxxx
Bayou

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #85 
maya, the best comfort I can give is that I don't think dogs experience time or fear of the future the same way we do.  They live in the now and don't worry about how long of a future life is left for them.  Bean certainly didn't blame you.  I'm sure you loved him as well as you could for as long as you could, and that's the best anyone can do.
Christina278

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #86 
Maya,
I had the same feelings that you are feeling now.
It does get easier with time. But, believe me I felt like I failed him even though I did everything that could be done.
The specialist told me that Duke was suffering due to his high anxiety and insecurities. He never felt safe.
It does help to know that I did give him the best 6 years he could of ever had. Most likely he would of been put to sleep years ago if I didn't take him.
Rescue dogs with special needs always have a special place in my heart.
I feel for you and your family. Only time will help the healing process and of course the sweet memories you will always have. 🙏❤️🐾
mayapapaya3

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #87 
Hey guys thank you for responding I didn’t think anyone would... it has been a little over two weeks since it happened.... one of you said that dogs do not process time of life like that and he would of never blamed me which helped me stop that feeling. But my problem now, is the photos on my phone. I am fine for a couple of days because work will keep me busy and friends too. The only times it hits me hard is late late at night when I’m alone on my phone. My other senior Pitbull who was bit by Bean will often go over to where his cage was and look confused. My heart aches. I think the biggest issue I face is being able to see the positive. While I know we could never bring him around anyone, could never let him off leash around others or dogs, taking him out to pee in our apartment was so hard. He deserved better. All the trainers turned him down because of “behavioral issues” but for me, and my family he was the best 2 year old loving thing. Once he started to attack our super gentle senior dog, my dad took him in the next day and I didn’t have a choice because I’m only 21 and don’t have a place or even a car yet of my own. I was scraping by to afford some trainers myself as is. I am trying not to hate my dad for bringing this dog into my life, not helping it when it got bad so I scrambled towards the end to try, then we had to put him down. I feel like a monster at times and I just try to envision the rainbow bridge and him feeling happy around other people and dogs. When I’m alone, I talk to him and I imagine him doing his wigglies on the bed he would do when I talked to him every day. He loved me and felt so safe around me. I am dying inside. I appreciate the kind words.
Missy91

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Posts: 2
 #88 
I know this is coming six years later, but having only just found this message board in a time of need myself, I feel compelled to respond, and I hope this doesn't open an old wound.

Three weeks ago, I made the horribly painful decision to put down my six-year-old Great Dane.  After years of being the most gentle pup (despite his Giant status) and being incredibly protective of me, his personality did a complete 180 over a period of a couple of weeks.  There were no medical issues outside of him starting to get older, but over a span of about three to four weeks, he got extremely leash reactive, barking and jumping around and even sometimes lunging at other dogs, and, in very rare situations, people, which just wasn't his personality.  Beyond that, he, in that same time period, started getting unpredictably aggressive towards me, also really not in his character.  As others in this thread have said, he would then be extremely clingy and touchy after an..."episode," I think knowing he had done something bad and that he didn't mean it.  Prior to three weeks ago, my boyfriend was always able to calm him down, but that night it got to a point where my dog was even aggressive towards my boyfriend.  If he was getting that way unpredictably with the people he loved most, how could we be reasonably sure of his behavior and reactions to new interactions, people and puppy alike?

We wondered if there was some underlying medical issue that had cropped up and rushed him to emergency care, who found nothing.  At that point, we knew there was something going on with him that could not be fixed or trained to a manageable point.  I had no interest in him hurting someone else, being quarantined for two weeks, and then have him taken from me to be put down.  I wanted to be able to be there for him, for him to know how much I loved, and still love him, and to be able to hold him and keep him calm.  That night destroyed me, and still does at the most unpredictable times.  I needed...need...someone to say the following to me, and for people who are like me, who aren't comforted by the poems and the songs, this is for you...

This is NOT your fault.  You didn't MAKE this happen.  You were in a terrible situation that people struggle with every day, and you made the best possible choice you could to save your furbaby a WORLD of hurt.  I know this hurts, and it's going to hurt for a while.  I wish I could tell you how long, but you didn't do this because you are selfish or cold-hearted or helpless.  You did everything you could to protect your baby and to help them feel safe and loved and secured.  Sometimes, there's just nothing else to do but release them from the pain, whether physical or mental, and the demons that are driving them to be anything other than their best and beautiful selves that made you fall in love with them in the first place.  That was the greatest act of love you could ever commit, and I am so proud of you for putting their needs ahead of your own feelings of wanting that one more day with them.  You are so incredibly strong, and you will get through this.
Missy91

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #89 
I know this is coming six years later, but having only just found this message board in a time of need myself, I feel compelled to respond, and I hope this doesn't open an old wound.

Three weeks ago, I made the horribly painful decision to put down my six-year-old Great Dane.  After years of being the most gentle pup (despite his Giant status) and being incredibly protective of me, his personality did a complete 180 over a period of a couple of weeks.  There were no medical issues outside of him starting to get older, but over a span of about three to four weeks, he got extremely leash reactive, barking and jumping around and even sometimes lunging at other dogs, and, in very rare situations, people, which just wasn't his personality.  Beyond that, he, in that same time period, started getting unpredictably aggressive towards me, also really not in his character.  As others in this thread have said, he would then be extremely clingy and touchy after an..."episode," I think knowing he had done something bad and that he didn't mean it.  Prior to three weeks ago, my boyfriend was always able to calm him down, but that night it got to a point where my dog was even aggressive towards my boyfriend.  If he was getting that way unpredictably with the people he loved most, how could we be reasonably sure of his behavior and reactions to new interactions, people and puppy alike?

We wondered if there was some underlying medical issue that had cropped up and rushed him to emergency care, who found nothing.  At that point, we knew there was something going on with him that could not be fixed or trained to a manageable point.  I had no interest in him hurting someone else, being quarantined for two weeks, and then have him taken from me to be put down.  I wanted to be able to be there for him, for him to know how much I loved, and still love him, and to be able to hold him and keep him calm.  That night destroyed me, and still does at the most unpredictable times.  I needed...need...someone to say the following to me, and for people who are like me, who aren't comforted by the poems and the songs, this is for you...

This is NOT your fault.  You didn't MAKE this happen.  You were in a terrible situation that people struggle with every day, and you made the best possible choice you could to save your furbaby a WORLD of hurt.  I know this hurts, and it's going to hurt for a while.  I wish I could tell you how long, but you didn't do this because you are selfish or cold-hearted or helpless.  You did everything you could to protect your baby and to help them feel safe and loved and secured.  Sometimes, there's just nothing else to do but release them from the pain, whether physical or mental, and the demons that are driving them to be anything other than their best and beautiful selves that made you fall in love with them in the first place.  That was the greatest act of love you could ever commit, and I am so proud of you for putting their needs ahead of your own feelings of wanting that one more day with them.  You are so incredibly strong, and you will get through this.
loserrleah

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #90 

And here I am, coming across this 7 years later. Put into the same situation two days ago with my Luan Tuna girl. Healthy 4 year old 35 lb chihuahua pitbull mix. But mental health issues, filled with demons that she couldn’t control. We tried everything. Spent so much money at so many vets, dog trainers, medications. Everything. She bit at least 10 people. Kids included. I’m so very lucky no one every reported her. I feel guilty. We both do. The minute I seen the bite on my nephews leg Wednesday afternoon. I knew what had to be done. I have not stopped crying. Will I ever? How could I bring her that quick to end her life..did I end her life? Or did I help her? Not only those people, but she’s also big me too. The one person she was obsessed with and loved so much. She didn’t mean to. She never did. She just couldn’t cope with the demons in her head. And I wish I could have saved my baby girl. I just feel so guilty. Like I cheated her out of life. The amount of people who said oh you can’t just rehome her? 

am I wrong for thinking that rehoming My mentally unstable pup, who has the upmost love for me and is attached to me, that would be setting her up to fail. That would be putting her into the possible wrong hands. I couldn’t do that. that would cause her even more pain. I pick up my baby girl sometime next week. I can’t wait to have her back with me am shave her watch over me like she always did. i, so thankful I found this forum I read every single post, and I’m so sadly glad Im not alone.

but thinking I paid almost 600 to end my baby’s life. I can’t help but feel guilty. But I know, I KNOW it was for her best interest and she is now pain free. And my family is safe. Me and my SO no longer have to wonder whats going to happen when we get pregnant? What’s Luna going to do? 


I love you baby girl. And I hope you understand.

rnl5862

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #91 
Dear Loserrleah,

I'm really sorry for your loss. I put my dog, Luna, down a little over a year ago. I had her for 9 years & lived on eggshells with her. Don't get me wrong I loved her so much. Had her throughout my 20's and she was with me through all the ups & downs, heartbreaks & achievements. But she had a great deal of anxiety that manifested itself into aggression. But it was sporadic. I never knew what would make her tick. I remember one time she had been good all day, no episodes. That evening I was laying on the couch & she comes up & nozzles her head into side. So I scratched the top of her head gently, like I had done a million times before, and after a few seconds she lunged at me & bit my hand. Drew blood. Even though she has been gone for over a year I miss her & I think about her often. For me specifically, the guilt has never gone away but it just gets easier to live with. I hope for myself and everyone on this forum that we can find peace in our decisions. Because our beloved pets were living a life filled with anxiety, stress, & aggression but now they are finally at peace.
furballs_big_sis

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #92 
We just had our 3 1/2 year old beagle put to sleep on Monday.  I can't stop crying - I feel like a monster.  Like I let her down in the worst way and now I would give anything to turn back time and change it. I keep thinking maybe I can still phone the vet - tell them it was a mistake and we want her back.  I know that's stupid but I can't get rid of the thought.  Because of cv-19 we couldn't go into the vet with her - they sedated her while she was in the car with us.  She fell asleep on my mum's knee, then they took her inside.  So I still see her as 'only sleeping' and that's where that awful sense of 'maybe' keeps creeping in.

We had her since she was a pup.  So I know she was never mistreated. At some point she developed an issue with guarding.  She would steal things - socks, clothes pegs, or anything within reach.  We were worried she'd eat something she shouldn't and do herself damage, so she would get a treat to return it.  Which then meant she would steal things just to get a treat (typical beagle!) and chicken was her main prize.  But sometimes she would steal things and guard them.  When that happened any approach was a challenge.  She would lunge at anyone who tried to retrieve it, even with the offer of food.  Eventually my mum was the only person who could manage this.  The rest of us would get bitten - usually on hands, arms or legs.

The guarding got worse and she became more and more anxious and nervy when walking outside.  She was ok at parks but would suddenly stop still on certain roads and refuse to go further.  We took her to a few different vets and eventually she was diagnosed with hip dysplasia in both back legs.  They prescribed painkillers and some calming tablets which we paid for without question.  They also suggested that the pain could be affecting her behaviour so we hoped the tablets would fix it too.  But it didn't.  Sometimes she was the silliest, sweetest thing who just wanted a cuddle and other times we couldn't go into the same room as her in case she snapped.

After a bad incident over Christmas we got a behavioural therapist out to the house.  She acted like a big furry baby with him (which was usual, as she only ever attacked family in the house, never strangers).  He said the same thing - she was a nervy dog and the pain was making her more and more anxious.  We went back to the vet and they tried different tablets - but they weren't a long term fix in case of eventual damage to her kidneys.  We kept trying, making sure there wasn't anything within reach to grab and going for shorter walks to try and make it easier.  When they closed the local parks because of cv-19 it was awful.  She no longer liked 'road walks' and would pull to get back to the house.  I'm so glad they re-opened last week - at least she got what she loved again for a short while.  But now I can't face going there without her by my side.  

On Sunday night she went for my sister again. She stole something off the table and when my sister stood up to see what she was doing, she lunged.  I guess it was just one time too many.  My mum had been saying we had to think about this, that "if she did it again..." for a while, but then she would do it again and we'd forgive her because she was fine the next day.  But this time my mum phoned the vet on Monday morning and they gave her an appointment for 14:15.  I feel like I froze.  Like I should have fought it.  Like there was something else I could have suggested, anything to save her.  What makes it a thousand times worse was that she was so good on Monday morning.  She was excited to get in the car - head out the window, tail wagging, ears blowing in the wind. It feels like I betrayed her - that she trusted us and we tricked her.  She was probably expecting a nice walk, a good sniff, and instead of that we killed her.  I don't think I can ever forgive myself for that.  I don't think I deserve to.  I loved her so much and I let it happen.  I wish more than anything I'd argued or fought or just taken her and ran.

I hope you're at peace now baby girl.  I hope that you get to run free and be happy.  Maybe you'll meet our first dog, your 'big brother'.  He was a grumpy old man but I'm sure he'll take care of you.  I need you to know that I'll always love you.  That I'll never forget you.  You were my darling, my baby, and you were such a good girl.
loserrleah

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #93 
I just wish people who didn’t understand what it’s like to own an aggressive dog, spending endless amount of money trying to help them cause you love them SO MUCH and nothing helps. They’re mentally unstable, and they need us to make that decision for them. I try to get it out of my head but my baby girl Luna 5 years old this month, had to get rabies tested as well. Breaks my heart, she was up to date on her shots - all of them. I’m a dog groomer - I’m a good dog mom - I made / make sure my dogs are up to date ALWAYS: but state law requires any dog who’s bit within the last 14 days needs to be quarantine for 14 days or if they get laid to rest they need to be sent to the state lab to get tested. If you don’t know what the rabies test consists of please don’t look it up. I’m warning you if you do, it’s not pleasant. I just needed to get that off my chest. I’m so glad for this forum, that I found it no matter how old it is. I’m so sorry you all had to go through this, but I’m glad to have people who know what the pain, and the guilt is. And how hard it was/is. All of our babies are up on rainbow bridge waiting for us, playing with one another, happy, aggression free. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I picked up her ashes yesterday it was like I did it all over again. It opened the wound again. Just like @_big_sis Above I feel like I can wake up and just call the vet and ask them to take it back, I want her back. I’ll go buy a house away from everyone so she can be safe and be less anxious of strangers. But if we have a kid soon, will we have to do it? I want her back but I know it was the best. I have her ashes; she’s watching over us now, and her fur dog brother and fur cats.
Thissucks

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Posts: 1
 #94 

I have sat here today and read through each one of your stories. While I feel awful that so many of us have had to go through this experience, I am grateful that I’m not alone. Two days ago we had to put our sweet baby, Leroy to sleep. I’ve been crying for four days straight. It was the most heartbreaking and tough decision I’ve ever had to make. We only had just under a year with him. We picked him up from an Amish farm at 11.5 weeks old. My boyfriend and I believed that since he was a puppy we wouldn’t have to worry about things we may have to with an older dog. I hate even saying he was “aggressive”. He wasn’t. He was so loving and sweet to us. He would wake the kids up for school every morning. He followed my boyfriend around the yard when he was doing yard work. He’d sit with me on the back porch appreciating nature with me. He was sweet with our other dog who is about 1/8 his size. He was an Anatolian Shepard/Blue Heeler mix and over 80lbs. We love him so much and never would have thought we could make this decision.

 

We noticed early on that he had some anxiety, but thought it might go away as he got older or after he was neutered. It only got worse. One day he caught his paw in the handle of the screen door. I went to free him and he bit my hand bad. My boyfriend tried to free him and was successful, but he also got bit badly. We didn’t think much of it as he was scared and in pain. It was redirected aggression. I worked in a kennel for a couple years and had been bitten before by other dogs.

 

His anxiety grew and grew. We eventually made the decision to get him on some low dose meds and start some new training regimens that the vet gave us. It all seemed to be working really well. We took him for multiple walks or runs daily. It seemed like he was able to finally be Leroy again.

About a month ago he began to get more anxious. I thought maybe it was from quarantine as I had noticed a lot more barking and people walking around. Then on Mother’s Day we went for a walk as a family. He barked at a couple dogs we passed more than he usually would, but we didn’t think too much of it. Then we passed a dog who was a great distance away across from us. He barked in a different way and lunged after the dog, then backed out of his harness and collar. My boyfriend bear hugged him so he wouldn’t go after the other person and dog. He then bit my boyfriend’s face twice very severely. He honestly probably needed stitches. There are eight punctures in his face and two of them near his eye. It was without giving us warning and he felt bad afterwards. We contacted a behavioral specialist, but they couldn’t take any appointments until June due to covid 19. We talked to the vet and added a second medication and upped his current one. The second med made him very out of it and groggy and when it wore off he was even more anxious and fearful. She also suggested keeping him on a leash in the backyard, but we knew he would hate that. She also added that he most likely was just wired that way. After days of thinking through our options and noticing his behavior had gotten worse after the bite, I came to my boyfriend bawling as I had decided there was only one way to know nothing like this could happen again.  My boyfriend had been thinking it too, but neither of us wanted to accept it or even say it. I couldn’t go with him to his appt. because I had to stay home with my kids. No one could watch them because of covid. My boyfriend begged them to let him be there with him because he wasn’t supposed due to social distancing. They ended up allowing him to and did it outside in the grass and sunshine. We did so much research and learned that he had a lot of small signs of aggression that we never realized. His anxiety was overwhelming him even with the medications. He’d go in and out 6 times in an hour and bark at us as if he was asking something that we couldn’t figure out. He was healthy physically, but internally struggling so much. We could see in his eyes he was suffering yet we couldn’t help him. After the last incident we were so afraid of him and so were the other animals in the house. Something changed that day. I hate that we had to do this, but it was the right thing. I just wish we had more time with him. I wish there would have been a magic fix. We had to think of his quality of life and the safety of our family. I hate this so much. I miss him so much. Our yard feels empty. Our bed feels empty. He was our baby and now he’s gone. I don’t know that the guilt will ever go away. I don’t know that I’ll ever be okay after this. We are those crazy vegan, hippie people. We never used forceful discipline. We rearranged our whole life’s for him without thinking twice because we loved him so much.

I did ask him to visit me in my sleep to let me know he was okay and that night I dreamt of him and he seemed at peace. That helped, but I still feel this hole in my heart. I still collapse to the ground in tears because he’s gone. I've had half a dozen panic attacks as I too suffer from anxiety. I hope our sweet, beautiful boy is at peace now. I’m sorry we couldn’t help you anymore, Lee. We love you so so much. Forever and always.

Thank you for this forum and for allowing me to share my story and grief in place that will not judge us for the most difficult and heartbreaking decision we've ever had to make. Sending you all love and healing light.

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