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crystalw

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Hi everyone.

First of all can I say what a relief it was to discover this place and read all the likehearted stories of all the people who, like me, have loved and lost a beloved pet. I've had the worst heartache bubbling inside me since Tuesday, when I had make the choice to put my beautiful beloved pug, Esther, to sleep. I feel I can talk about it a bit here.

Esther was originally my grandad's dog, and I inherited her when he passed. I had her for seven years and she reached a proud old age of 15, having her with me made me feel such joy and love. She was my world and I admit that I did spoil her, she knew how to work me and to be honest I didn't mind. She gave me back so much.

Only last week, she had a small seizure after years of virtually no health issues. She declined so quickly after that, suffering so many more seizures and losing control of her bowels within days. It hurts to even type this, as it makes me remember how slowly she walked, until she couldn't walk at all. The vet visited her in my home on Sunday, but I had to call him back on Monday as she had suffered her worst seizure yet. This time her breathing was laboured and I was almost convinced she wouldn't make it through this one. He took her away for tests and I hoped so desperately that she'd come home. But she didn't. Three hours later, I received the worst phone call of my life and offered the choice that we all dread.

My poor sweet baby had liver failure and a possibly cancerous growth in her side, and needed an oxygen mask. I don't doubt that my decision to let her go was for the best, but the guilt eats away at me and sometimes I wonder if I made my choice in haste. Maybe I should have considered treating her, money be damned (this in no way influenced my choice, I would have gladly gone broke for her). It's been three days since I said goodbye to her and I miss her so desperately, I can't even bear to vacuum my house as I don't want to get rid of her hair. My cousin came yesterday to collect her food/bed for her own dog and we had a little cry together, it was at least nice to know my little Esther was loved throughout my family.

I will be going next week to bring her ashes home, which is something I'm both anxious for and dread. I want to bring her home where she belongs, but at the same time it makes it all so real. I love you Esther and I'm so sorry, my poor angel.

Thanks for listening, again knowing we can talk about it here eases the pain a little bit.
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