Registered: 1512353811 Posts: 1
I’m sitting here 03:31 in the morning and crying. I lost My dear cat, Pishi, for a month ago. And i just can’t stand looking at photos or anything at all that was his.
About one month before I euthanized him he became sick womoting every day and having truble with his lungs/breathing so he would have asma attack, or coughing bad.
The vet said the bloodtest and xray looked surprisingly good for a 16 year old cat. She sent me home and told me to change her food. Pishi did not get better, after vomiting many times ,he fainted, i took her to the vet they gave her back to me after three hours monitoring him. She said she did not see any fainting or womiting so sent me back home again. I took her home He would womit and have asma attacs, he was getting thin and not eating well. I went to the vet again on a Saturday two days before my oppointment with my main vet, this vet gave him a shot for his vomiting and it helped. He didn’t vomit anymore, but so thin and week. i took him home again.. on monday i went back with him, the vet finally took a ultrasound of the abdomens and there was a 5 cm lumpy tumor like thing there. The vet said that if it was her cat she would euthanize him.
I told the vet to come to my home so pishi could be somewhere comfortable. He past away in my arms. I was in shock, kissed him and couldn’t cry. The vet said wow you are handeling this so good, me myself cryied allot , she said. She asked if i wanted her ashes in a urn but i didnt want that in my home.
Now im sitting with regrets and heartaik over the period of time i saw him suffer without standing up for him and demanding better treatment, then he wouldn’t had to suffer so many days like he did.
And i regret letting them take him to a crematorium where they cremate all animals at once. I wish I had honored his soul and body as much as he deserved. I had him since he was a baby, i have kissed him a million times over the years. I should have Buried him my self, I just couldn’t handle seeng him dead in my home. It
All this images and regrets haunt me. I miss him and im sorry for my behavior
And now I wonder where he is.. whete do they go. Just gone or somewhere. A week after Pishi left , i suddenly could hear his breathing while i was sitting on the sofa. Just for some seconds. I guess it my mind playing tricks on me.
Registered: 1279811250 Posts: 730
I am so very sorry you've lost your wonderful little cat. I have this picture of a bright, shining little face with deep, soulful eyes in my head. For some reason, I also get a thought in my head that he was a cat who was very selective - making sure a person was worthy of his time and his effort - in other words, a real character with a heart that trusted very few - and you were the one he trusted the most. He CHOSE you. And he chose well.
I am here to tell you that you did NOT betray that trust. You made the right decision, the only decision you could have made, just as you'd done a thousand times before. All the treatment, money, time and trips to the vet in the world would have led you right back to the place you find yourself in at this moment. For Pishi was suffering from an illness that, combined with his old age, was never going to be treatable or curable. What you did was allow him the dignity of a passing that his illness would never given him. You did this, knowing it would devastate you, but also knowing it was the right thing to do for Pishi. There is no greater expression of love than choosing to sacrifice your own feelings in order to offer this to your little cat. You write that you are sorry for your behavior - yet I can think of nothing more beautiful and more loving than what you were able to give him when he needed you the most. There is simply nothing to be sorry for in an act that came from the love you felt. But guilt is an ugly, and lying, companion to grief. Pishi does not have the pictures in his head that you are seeing over and over again. He does not have any thoughts of his last moments, or of loss, or regret, or fear, or pain. This belongs only to you. For Pishi passed in the arms of the person he trusted the most in this world - and his last thoughts were of the love and warmth you represented. It's a small comfort, but it's so very true. As for honoring him, the lifetime or love, care and joy you brought each other is the greatest honor you could associate with Pishi - you were there when he LIVED - and you could do him no better honor now than to grieve him, mourn for him, and allow his loss to wash over you - he's worth that and so much more. What you must also do, when you're ready, when you can, is know that Pishi will find a way to bring love and light back inside your broken heart, for he should not be associated with such dark and painful feelings. I know how alone you feel. I know how much this hurts. I know how desperate things seem. But I also know that Pishi's relationship with you did not end when he passed. You get to keep him forever, part of your life, part of your soul. No one can take that from you, ever. But today, there is only the raw and fresh emotions his loss represents. And it's right and normal to feel what you're feeling. But I promise you with all my heart that you will get through this - Pishi deserves to know he invested his trust in someone who understands just how precious and how important life really is. And Pishi definitely chose the right person to spend his life with. My heart goes out to you.