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kittiekat

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Posts: 215
 #1 
Hello all,

This is my first post to this forum.  I have been reading some of the previous posts and receiving much comfort.  Thank you! 

Yesterday I helped my Smokey cat over.  Smokey was 16 1/2 years old and was becoming very ill the last several months with many different problems.  His circulation was terrible, he was beginning to lose a significant amount of weight.  He was in and out of diabetes and his kidneys were failing.  It seems I'd get one issue resolved and another one would show up.  Each trip to the vet (and they were very frequent) became more traumatic for him and me.  He would yowl and hiss during the needle pokes for blood draws and shots.  He was on several meds which became more and more difficult to give to him.  I used to be able to trick him by wrapping the meds in moist food.  But even that wasn't working anymore.  He was also having trouble finding a comfortable sleeping position. 

I'd look at his sweet face and think how can I do this to my beloved pet and best friend.  I finally came to a decision that I would not put him through any more.  Similar to the decision I made for his litter mate Samantha 2 years ago. However, the decision to help them over is not without much pain and guilt for me.  I didn't want them to suffer any more than they already had.  Losing Smokey is the end of a very long chapter of a very blessed time I had my with my two cats.  God blessed my life richly with them.  And the pain of life without them, is so difficult right now.  They were there for me in so many difficult times.  

To the group, how do you resolve the fact that you loved and cared for these pets for so long and then you have to make that decision for the final act of love, knowing they are never going be there again to kiss and love on.  And seeing their little lifeless body at the end wondering if they will forgive you, and whether you can ever forgive yourself?  If you somehow let them down by helping in the end?  And finally, if they will truly be in heaven waiting for you to cross over?  I have been reading a couple of books on pets in heaven and they are helping some.  And I know that God loves all of creatures.

I read another post by Sandy asking will the crying ever stop.  I am there crying and mourning with you Sandy.  The grief is unbearable right now. 

Thanks in advance to all of you.

Mary

Registered:
Posts: 1,400
 #2 
I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Smokey.  The decisions we make for our best friends are made only because of the true and deep love we have for them, even as difficult and painfull as some decisions  may be.

We are so lucky to be united with our special best friends and given the opportunity to share our life, love and happiness with them as you did with Smokey.   

Your Smokey is out of pain and is happy and healthy at the Rainbow Bridge will all his new friends.  You will see him again in happiness.

I will pray for you and Smokey. 
Many hugs,
Mary, Meisters Mom
MadduxsMommy

Registered:
Posts: 65
 #3 
I lost my baby yesterday, too.  I don't know if the crying will ever stop. I haven't stopped either.
I share in your pain. It is so difficult.
JerryC

Registered:
Posts: 1,569
 #4 
Welcome to the site; you will find that there are many caring people here that will help you get through this most difficult time. They have helped me with our loss of Peaches, our Chihuahua, since I too helped her on her journey to the Bridge. I did a post shortly thereafter saying that what we had to do was in someway a gift. A gift of love for that special companion and soul mate. We do it knowing full well they will leave our lives forever and we will be here with pain and misery. So what greater gift could we have bestowed on our companions, freeing them from their pain and suffering only to leave us here with ours. Try and not feel guilty, I truly believe this is the hardest emotion to overcome during the process of grieving and the one we need to eliminate first. We here have all been there and are still there. The pain and sorrow for some take longer to heal, each of us has to deal with our losses in our own way. It is a hard road to travel with many twists and turns and speed bumps along the way. Your Smokey will always be with you in your heart. He is at the Bridge with may new friends in a body of his youth, pain free and waiting for the day you will make your journey.
You will soon see that there are many people here at this site, perfect strangers, who will be reaching out to you, they do it because like me have gone and are still going through the same difficult decision.
Stay with us and feel free to post anytime. I know it helped me because others were going through what I was. you did the right thing, it was about the quality of life and your love and devotion to your dear Smokey. He is with you always, as I said in your heart, all you have to do is whisper his name and he will be with you. I hope over time, because that is what it will take time, that you can find some peace and comfort. We all have had to take it one day, and one moment at a time. God Bless.-----Jerry in Oklahoma.

Smokey, as you look down upon your Mom you know she loves and misses you so very much. Maybe you can send her a sign that you are ok.
doodlebug

Registered:
Posts: 237
 #5 
kittiekat:

I TOTALLY understand your feelings and I am so sorry for your loss!  16 days ago, my husband and I had to PTS our 12-year old beloved chocolate lab, Gus ("Buggles").  In our case, everything happened very fast ....it appears that he had herniated a disc in his back and was in tremendous pain and really couldn't stand.  He couldn't even walk outside to potty (he weighed 108 pounds so we couldn't carry him) and the vet felt that his back legs were going to be totally paralyzed within a day or two.  The decision to end his life was heartbreaking and we still feel totally devastated.

Gus had spent the night at the vet's on Monday night and we picked him up on Tuesday so that we could spend his last 24 hours at home with him.  (We had arranged for the vet to perform the euthanasia at our home on Wednesday June 18th).  Before we picked him up, the vet gave him an extra big dose of steroids so that he could spend his last 24 hours more comfortably.  Because of this, were able to remember him more like he was prior to the disc herniation because his pain was reduced slightly.  On the other hand, I found myself looking at him - especially on Wednesday morning before the vet arrived - and thinking that I can't believe that we are actually making a decision to end his life (who are we to make that decision??!!).  It was like a bad dream.  He was laying on the rug in the living room and he would make the little high pitched bark that he made when he really wanted something.....a bark that we usually associated with a happy time.  I kept wondering what we was trying to tell me and I still don't know.  Although we were SO thankful that he wasn't in as much pain, I think it really increased my guilt because he appeared healthier than he really  was.   I had to keep reminding myself that he had not taken a bite of food in 4 1/2 days and was still refusing food.  I think that this was his way of telling us that he wanted to go.  Maybe that's what he was also telling us with the bark.

I have felt so guilty since then(did we make the decision too quickly? - was there anything else we could have done for him? - will he forgive me and did he know how much we really loved him? - ) even though I know we made the right decision for HIM.  I try very hard to let my logical side take over when the guilt seems to overwhelm but it's very hard sometimes.  I also read on another post that when we make that dreaded decision it is truly an act of love because we are making a decision to take the pain  from them yet take it on ourselves.  This must be true because I believe that he is in heaven and pain-free and I know that I feel like I'm living through one of the saddest, most painful times I've ever had here on earth.  But, I would take on his pain anytime because I loved him that much.

I have spoken to Gus often in the last two weeks when no one can hear me and I asked him to please let me know that he was alright and that he understood why we had to let him go.  I asked him to please let me know it was him in an unmistakeable way.  This past Wednesday (the 2 week anniversary of his death), I believe he answered me.  I was watching TV on Wednesday morning and the special name I had for him - and a name only I used - suddenly appeared on the TV ("Buggles").  I know that the TV show was showing it in reference to a 1980's video they were showing but it was so timely that I couldn't help but wondering if it was his way of showing me that he heard me and that he forgave me?  I choose to believe that it was.  It seems as though you need the same assurance from Smokey and I'll bet he'll give you a sign if you ask him to.

I know that things will get better for you, kittiekat, and they will for my husband and I also.  Unfortunately, I don't know if I was able to provide any comfort to you because I'm in such terrible pain myself right now.  But please know that we'll all get through this together and our days will get brighter as we're able to learn to remember the happy times.

My Gus....


kittiekat

Registered:
Posts: 215
 #6 
Mary, Maddux's Mom, Jerry C, and Doodlebug,

Thank you for taking the time on this holiday to respond to me.  You don't know how much that means. 

Mary, thank you for your prayers for smokey and I and your comments on the Rainbow Bridge.  God bless Meister and you.

Maddux's Mom,

Thank you for taking the time during your grief to comfort me.  Maybe Maddux and Smokey are playing right now.  Smokey was a "tough guy" cat and no big Great Dane would ever make him back down...teasing, I hope you have a smile.  They are loved and we were blessed.  God be comfort you and give you some peace. 

Jerry C,

Thank you for your words about guilt, confirming the bridge and helping me to reconcile my choice.  Since I read your post earlier, I have been whispering Smokey's name.  It is comforting...thank you.  And I'll share a story shortly about a "sign."  God bless you and Peaches.

Doodlebug,

That decision is excruciating.  And like Buggles, Smokey exhibited short spurts of cat like behavior and I would have moments of...oh, he's better.  Only to learn from the next vet visit that they were not.  I could have taken Smokey home and given him insulin and back to the doctor over and over for blood checks.  It still didn't take away the other systems failing and the meds he would be on.  And worse, forcing him to take the meds as he had become so opposed to.  So, I made that decision and it is haunting me, but as most of you have said, it is an act of love and I know I would have never hurt him for anything in the world.  So we have to have faith that they are so much better now for our actions.

I love your sign on the TV.  You have to look for everything.

God bless you, your husband and Gus.

Now, to make a long post longer......

I went to visit my next door neighbor awhile ago.  Shortly before that, I had prayed to God and Smokey to give me a sign that he was okay.  Earlier I had read Doodlebug's post on another thread about the sign she requested from Gus.  Also, the night before and the day of Smokey's journey I had asked him to visit me in my dreams. 

Digressing...... About a week ago, I had had a vivid dream about Smokey and Samantha and they were running across a road away from me and into a big field.  They were chasing each other and I was sad and worried that they weren't coming back.  I have to believe that was a sign from God letting me know that it was close to Smokey's time.  That Sam, was coming to get him and that they would be together again.

Back to my visit with my neighbor only hours ago and after praying for a sign and reading Doodlebug's message on her requesting a sign Gus.  My neighbor and I were sitting in her backyard looking out onto my property that borders my backyard and a long forested area that I have.  All of a sudden she says, "oh look, there is a cat running across your property."  When I looked it was a black cat and it was running across my open grass and into my woods.  Okay, I've seen stray cats on properties adjacent to mine, but never a black cat.  Smokey was a beautiful black cat and full of play and chase in his youth.

I don't know if that was a sign, and it was awfully early in my prayer request.  It could have been just a coincidence, but how likely to have a black cat running freely on my property into my beloved woods.  The same woods that I would never let Smokey go into b/c I was worried he would break loose of his harness and I would never find him in there.  Go figure.......When we walked in the yard, he always tried his best to get in that woods.  He would get mad when I wouldn't let him in there.  I have to hope that this was blessing from God and Smokey and some sign to ease my grief and let me know he is okay. 

Finally, I come back in the house and read the rest of my replies and see Jerry C.'s message to Smokey to show me a sign.  What is the likelihood of all of this?  Or am I just hoping and reaching for straws?

Thank you everyone and God bless and comfort you,

Marsha


JerryC

Registered:
Posts: 1,569
 #7 
Marsha; There are many here who have received signs that coincide with their departed soul mates. If you believe the black cat running into the woods was indeed a sign from your Smokey than so be it. Some may indeed call it a coincidence but I believe other wise. I believe Smokey did send you a sign that it was ok and he was alright. We all have to have faith that one day we will all reunited with our departed soul mates, if we didn't we wouldn't be here. God Bless.-----Jerry in Oklahoma.

 
kittiekat

Registered:
Posts: 215
 #8 
Jerry,

Thank you for your words of comfort.  I am going to believe that the black cat was a sign.  I have been watching for it and not seen the kitty again.  I guess I felt that maybe I was just going crazy or it was way too early for God to answer my prayer.  The funny thing about that visit with my neighbor, I honestly almost changed my mind about walking over to her house to visit with her.  Something told me, no, you need to go see her and chat.  It will make you feel better.

Hmmmm?

Thank you for your support. 
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