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ChristinaofTX

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Posts: 19
 #1 
The time has come and tomorrow morning I have to say goodbye to my Meena kitty ... she is 17 years old and I've had her since the day she was born on my back step (I still have her Mom, Marble too).   Meena has been in kidney failure for  a long time and she .... well it's time .... I've been right here with her carefully tending and observing and I can see that I can't wait longer or she will suffer needlessly.  
My heart is breaking.   On Feb. 15th our younger cat Tony had to be put down due to sudden and severe illness -- and we already knew Meena was close to the end.   I'm just praying for the physical and emotional strength to do what I have to do.   My husband will drive.   I have Meena all comfortable in a cubby/bed in the kitchen ... she has not gotten up much today ... she hears me and I've been talking with her off and on when she was not resting.    She's exhausted.   She's probably around 6 pounds ... she was normally around 9 pounds.    The Hills K/D bought her 6 months.  
I've tried to prepare myself for tomorrow.   Meena is not the type of kitty who likes to be held.   She would come sit on me when I read & she would get on my lap .... everything to her specifications!   This makes this very hard.   It's not going to be very easy at the vet -- I don't think.  I have a soft smaller blanket to try and hold her with when I pick her up - she's so thin.  I picked her up once today - she has no fight but she still growled  and was not happy.  
I've cried a lot over the past 6 months as I sensed this day was coming.   Then two weeks ago the shock of losing Tony.   
My ribs hurt and they had not been hurting (complications from the flu) but now it has flared up again today.    I wish I could lay on the floor with her - I have gotten onto a cushion for time to pat her and this morning we had her on the bed with us ... but it seemed very difficult for her to be way up there - like she could get badly hurt (she's blind and yet hasn't been a big issue) she's just too weak to jump down.  
I know we're doing what we have to do for her.   I just don't really know how to bear all the sadness.   We have one more cat (Marble) she is 18 years old.   There are some things I will need to address in her health but I hope that she will be okay for a long time - my heart is so torn over these 2 losses.   Actually, I feel I've been sad for a very very long time as I saw Meena gradually lose her health, her eyesight, and everything, her weight and appetite.   So the grief is ongoing and has been for quite some time.
We will use the same place for the cremation as we did for Tony.   It's a hard night.   I have had good cat friends give me criteria to go by so I would not make the decision too soon or too late.   I think maybe we are right in the timing I hope so.   It's so hard. 
Well, even though this is expected it hurts terribly.   
~Chris~



ajkiki

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #2 
So sorry for u...i just lost my shih tzu 4 days ago...diagnosed w congestive heart failure in may...so lucky to have her those extra 9 mos...blind for the last mo...lasix injections... skin and bones...but such a trooper and an inspiration so much dignity.I dont know why it seems she has been gone so much longer than 4 days...in july 2016 i lost my kitty to kidney failure not sure of age...took her when neighbor died...had her 4 yrs...loved her dearly so i kind of know how u feel...i just know that good energy can never produce negative results and your kitty has had wonderful love.
jessej1s89

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Posts: 27
 #3 
I feel your loss, my friend. I too had to put down my sweet and loving dog Braveheart this past Saturday morning (March 3rd). My heart has been aching ever since. I did not know that my heart could ache so hard, but it surely does. I haven't been able to sleep these past 2 nights, and I am just feeling so tired, but I do not want to experience the feeling of loneliness upon awaking. 
Just know that you are not in this alone, and that I am sharing the same feelings. God bless you, my friend, and God bless your sweet animals. Much love..
ChristinaofTX

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #4 
Thank you very much for your support!  We're getting ready to leave.   I was up with Meena most of the night.    At least she knew I was with her and she seemed much more calm with me there - she stopped pacing and layed in her cubby bed.   I know this decision is right.   I've taken my meds and showered and I'm ready to go.   This long goodbye has been very stressful.   I think maybe I will feel better once I know for sure she's not in any pain anymore.  
goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,191
 #5 
Hi Christina,

I am so very sorry you are going through this. At this time last year I was seeing my cat Squeeker go through cancer. He got his cancer diagnosis on March 1 last year and I watched him deteriorate and suffer until I finally let him go at the end of May. Like you, I went through the grief process for several months - 3 months in Squeeker's case - as we tried so very hard to help him get better to no avail.

As much as I hate to admit it, it really was a bit of a relief to finally release Squeeker from his suffering, and it will probably be the same for you. Just remember, we do what we do out of the deep love we have for our friends, so hopefully that will help bring you some comfort in the days, weeks and months to come...

Hugs and peace to you as you go through this difficult time...

- Kelly
Angel Blackie's mom
Angel Squeeker's mom

Krisnichols77

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #6 
Christina. I am so sorry. Your post brought me to tears and I feel for you. That’s so hard. I am almost to the point of putting my little pup down and feel the exact same way. My prayers and deepest condolences are with you.
ChristinaofTX

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #7 
Thank you all for the replies.   Meena is at rest now.   It was very hard to say goodbye but I knew it was the right thing.  I hurt so deeply emotionally and physically ... I had to cancel my counseling and go instead tomorrow to the doctor ... I'm sure I can get into the counselor later in the week and right now my horrible rib pain is just the worst.   Maybe I've cried too much.
The vet was very very compassionate and even though they were a madhouse (it's a no appointment clinic) they helped us and we were not having to wait too long.   The man at the pet memorial cremation place was kind and considerate too.
I have so many wonderful memories of Meena over 17 years.   I swear right now even the house is crying.   The older cat, our only surviving kitty is Meena's momma and she's 18 ? + ... she has been on the couch with me and trying to console me. 
There are some things I want to do ... when I am able to ... a memory bookmark with Meena's story and picture and one for Tony also.    And more scrapbook pages ... but right now I have an alter on our old antique radio with pictures of both cats and some special crystals and toys ... and we will get the call when her remains are ready.
I still can't believe it.    It's the worst emotional pain I ever remember having. 

jessej1s89

Registered:
Posts: 27
 #8 

Christina, I came back here to check up on you. I know that the pain you are feeling right now is very raw and very fresh, as mine is too. I just know that your Meena and my Braveheart have greeted each other in Heaven! I bet they are playing, running, and feeling the absolute BEST that they have EVER felt! God is going to take care of them so well until we meet them again there πŸ˜‰ 

I was having a very rough time today, as it is only my 2nd day grieving. I cried and I moped, and I too felt the house crying. It got to the point where I had to go on a drive, and I just drove around in my car for an hour. I stopped in the parking lot to check my phone, and my mom had been texting me and comforting me with kind words. And you know what? Driving around today was very therapeutic, and I realized something. I realized that Braveheart is looking down on me from Heaven, thinking to himself "Jess..do not cry for me, my sweet friend. You saved me. You gave me a better life. And you set me free at just the right time, because I was really starting to suffer in that old body. Don't cry for me, I am so happy right now Jess. I am up here in Heaven with God and with tons and tons of animals, and I am happy. I can see again, Jess! I can see! I have my vision back! And I am not anxious anymore! The dementia and congestive heart failure are no more! I am finally healthy! Do not weep for me! Rejoice for me! Jess, I am up here rejoicing! And I will be up here rejoicing until the day that you come here too, and then we will rejoice together! Do not cry for me, because I am ecstatic. Do not be sad, my sweet and lovely Jess. You saved me, and you set me free. You will see me again, you will pet me again, and I will be one of the first to greet you when you arrive here in Heaven. Don't be sad for me, my sweet momma... but rejoice. I am so happy, and I love you so much. I just love you so much!" 

And you know what Christina, I just know that your Meena is feeling the exact same way πŸ˜‰ She is rejoicing in Heaven with all of the other animals who greeted her there. She is rejoicing for how young and fresh she feels. She is rejoicing that she was able to spend so much time with you, and she is rejoicing in your love. You will see her again. God bless you Christina, and know that you are not alone πŸ˜‰ I am here for you, and so is everyone else on this website. 
Meena is in a wonderful place, and you will see her again. 

Much love, Christina! 

-Jess; Braveheart's momma

Tanker_1

Registered:
Posts: 67
 #9 
((hugs))
I said a long goodbye to my 15.5-year-old dog 90 days ago. I started grieving last summer knowing the end was coming. 
ChristinaofTX

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #10 
Thank you for your post Jess - I like to think that Meena is happy and free now ... and no longer in pain, blind, and thirsty or struggling ........... I want her to forgive me for having to make the awful but necessary choice to end her pain and discomfort at the end. 
Meena was just such a strong and brave girl ... nothing seemed to phase her at all ... but at the end she was weak & disoriented (still fighting) ... only weighing a bit over 4 pounds which really shocked me. She was a small cat at her prime about 9 pounds.  I think I am haunted and traumatized by the final scenes.   She threw up after they gave her the sedative shot -- I held her carefully so that the tiny throw up would come out and not stay in her mouth and I cleaned her mouth - she bit the blanket ... I was so sad ---- she had not thrown up in a very long time & to have that her last experience awake .. but I did hold her and talk to her ..... and she went to sleep peacefully after a short time.  I guess the fact that she growled a little bit when I held her just prior to the 1st shot ... wrapped in a soft blanket so it wouldn't her to be held she growled ... which was 100% Meena ... she needed to come to me not be carried this never changed over the years.
I have been working at changing my thoughts or focus each time my mind goes to the sad final scenes that hurt me so much I try to focus on my breath and focus on Meena's pictures when she was well and remind myself that her body had almost totally failed her ... I did not have her put down too soon and given her fighting nature not too late either as she was very independent right up to the night before .... actually 3 am was when things went downhill fast and we were at the vet when they opened.
Complicating my "feeling any better" is my really bad rib pain ... I'm waiting for the test results from ultra sound, blood work and x-rays.   I also have a horrible sore I guess it's a canker sore in my mouth bottom lip inside -- so painful to drink water or eat.  
My whole belief system seems shocked and challenged ... questions like where is Meena now?   When will I be able to sense her presence (as I often do my Dad) and how can I live with my choice to end her suffering even though on some level I absolutely KNOW it was the humane and right thing to do.   
I have a set of friends who are very set on natural death for animals - which I in theory understand but I do not understand how to keep them comfortable and out of pain to go thru such a thing.  If I had a vet to come to the house and set me up to provide cat hospice that would be different.  I have had to experience that twice with human loved ones so I am not incapable of it.    I'm so sensitive and could not see myself watching her suffer ....   I can't talk with those friends at all right now ...  I left my church Sept of 2016 ... I have no place to go --

My husband could not come in with me.   I faced Tony and Meena's final moments alone.   I feel like I'm just alone.   And yet I still prayed to a God I don't even understand just to let me do what must be done ... to be able to endure it.   And somehow I did get thru it.   I am close to Marble our surviving momma cat.   She and I finally fell asleep on the couch last night ... I could tell she relaxed after I did.  

I know that I'm not okay at the moment and I'll be going to counseling Monday.   I think mostly what is wrong is losing my faith -- or trying to understand more about what's real in terms of the after life or what happens -- and not finding answers right now in the spiritual beliefs I normally turned to -- I'm just not finding comfort or understanding ... I need to connect with Meena somehow & know she is okay.  
Having had to be so strong since December when Meena went blind and then losing Tony so unexpectedly Feb. 15th and Meena March 5th (although expected very very serious the level of grief) I'm now just feeling totally undone.   Now I feel like I need to be in some sort of hospital myself.   I feel like my life as I knew it is definitely over.  
Last Saturday and Sunday I devoted to caring for Meena ... which turned out to be her last 2 days.   I think I need to get out of this house.  It's Saturday again and it's very haunting.    I have to care for my SILs dogs at noon for a few minutes and then maybe I can do something if I can get the pain to stop in my ribs.   Meena would not want me to be like this.  And the way I am right now would horrify my Tony ... he was so sensitive and loving.  
I'm sorry for the sad post.   I am beyond sad.   I have to find meaning somehow somewhere.  I don't even know what to say to my counselor Monday.
~Chris~





MyLittleBoyChamp

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #11 
I am so sorry for your loss.  I miss my little boy Champ who went to kitty heaven on March 2nd.  It was one of the hardest days I have ever had to endure.  I am still so heart broken and lost without him.  I will say a prayer for your Meena.  Now Champ and Meena are surely playing together and taking naps waiting for us.
aconde

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #12 
I feel your pain, Christina. It's so hard. Tomorrow morning we will say our goodbyes to Wero our 20 year old boy. I'm completely heartbroken, he has brought so much joy to our lives over the years. My prayers are with you.
ChristinaofTX

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #13 
MyLittleBoyChamp -- I'm sorry I'm so very late in responding ... I had been coming here a lot and then needed to stop for awhile.   Thank you for the prayer for Meena.   I am so sorry for your loss of Champ.   It is such a heartbreak - when I look at the calendar today and see that it has been a month ... well it's hard to believe.   At times it still feels so fresh/recent.   It comforts me that she is not in pain and I've had some comfort from reading stories about near death experiences ... I feel sure Meena is in a good place but I miss her terribly ... I have struggled especially at night when I would read and even right up until maybe 4 days before we said goodbye to her she liked to climb up on me or near me when I read in bed.   Now I read on the couch and my older cat, Marble is near by.  You are in my prayers - thank you for your message!  Love and blessings to you!!

Aconde -- Oh aconde - I'm so sorry for the goodbye that you will be experiencing tomorrow.    20 years ... oh my goodness.   The heartbreak is so very painful ... I don't know how long you've also likely been dealing with the anticipatory grief ... that was the case with me with Meena ... her kidney and heart disease led to a long goodbye as she had several health declines and then loss of her vision ... and I didn't realize how that grief before the goodbye had been pretty intense for quite a few months.   I am praying for you and for Wero -- I'm sorry to know you are going thru this ... but I know you will treasure the memories for the rest of your life of your time with him.   Bless your heart ... I'm praying for you!
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