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shadowsmama

Registered:
Posts: 67
 #1 
Shadow was my very best friend. I loved him probably a lot more than anyone should love a cat. He was very much like a child to me and I'm not quite sure how long this is going to take before I can stop crying. 24/7. Next week I will have his name written across my heart and will carry it there for the rest of my life. I will never have another friend/love like him.

In an attempt to say goodbye I will tell you some things about him. This is not going to be easy for me. Think of this as Shadow's funeral

July 29, 2001-April 29, 2008

I found him at 2 weeks old orphaned in my back shed at my old house. And I loved him for the second I laid eyes on him!
I bottle fed him for 5 weeks.
When he was a little baby he peed on me like 5 times a day and still I loved him. I'd kiss his little face and go wash up and change my shirt and come right back to him.
He toddled after me everywhere in the house when he was a baby. and to his very last day would come running if I said the word "milk"
When he was a baby I talked softly in his lil white ears " My sweetheart, mama's big boy, mama's buddy." and this became a regular thing with us I called him these things his whole life and he's get a sleepy look on his face and look at me with much love.
From the time he was little he couldn't just sit in my lap, he had to be right up by my face. As a kitten he would climb his way up to the center of my chest next to my heart and press his forehead against me and sleep.
As he got bigger and this didn't quite work anymore he had a way he would lay on me always on my right side and wrap his arms around my neck and rub his face on mine and lightly quickly touch his nose to my mouth and "kiss" me (my daughter always said I "made out" with the cat). He loved kisses all over his face. He loved me SOOO much. and even rubbed my face with his paw. and bury his face in my neck and my hair
He stared into my face all the time as though he wanted to know exactly what I was thinking so badly.
Since I was his mother I taught him how to play. He would chase me through the house and when he caught me I'd turn around and chase him.
He liked to peek out from around corners and jump out at me BOO!-just like a person and I did the same to him.
Sometimes when I was walking through the house he like to wait and jump out on the run and smack me on the butt (I don't know where he got that). Then go running off. I think he was trying to get me to play
When he would chase Pepper, one of my other cats, he hopped and bounced and loved it, while she hissed and ran as if he'd actually hurt her, which he never did though he was twice her size. Then when she was sleeping he'd sneak up near her and go to sleep. Their relationship was like little brother big sister. She couldn't stand him and he loved her to pieces. She grieves for him now too I think. Sometimes when I cry her fur stands on end and she won't let me quit petting her.
He loved all kinds of dairy foods, apple sauce, tomatoes, vegetables and pasta.
Some kinds of shoes scared him and he would stay far back and slap them. He hated wind of any kind blowing on him. Though he let me blow dry him when he was little and wasn't afraid of the hair dryer or vaccum. Why? because he trusted me.
He smiled at me all the time, literally.
He liked ice in his water and waited for me to pet him once, after I gave him water or milk, before he started to drink it. He liked to drink MY water the best and he shared ice cream and other things off my spoon. Which made my husband & daughter want to barf.
When I said 'bitey-bitey" he'd get a wild look in his eye and wrap around my arm and attack:o) We didn't get to play it to much in the summer cause he didn't much like to hurt my bare skin. As winter started to come on he LOVED seeing me put sleeves/a jacket on. It actually wound him up to see a sleeve go on my arm so he could bite it.
He called for me through the house when I wasn't home "MOO.... MOO...MOO" he would say.
And when he had to go in the car, which he hated as most cats do, he cried this really deeps moaning meow that sounded just like he was saying "HOME".

AT THE END
I had noticed for a few days he was breathing kind of heavy. Never realizing how serious this was. The night before he died he was breathing very heavy but still moving around etc. hell we was playing with me that morning(monday), and playing with the little twigs that he loved to play with. I talked to the vet and described how he was acting. Together we made the decision that he could wait till the morning.
at 2:30 am he was in a box. (He loved to sleep in boxes) and I was very worried about him (I am a worrier by nature) I petted him and said something like "momma loves you. you take it easy till morning okay big boy?" and worried I went to bed. I should have stayed up with him and been there for him in his last moments.

I set my alarm for 6 am to check on him and get ready to take him to the vet at 8am. When I opened my bedroom door to go down I saw him. He was in the upstairs hall a few feet from my bedroom door. laying still on his left side. I said "Shadow!" and he didn't move. I ran to him and put my face down to his. His mouth and eyes were open. My eyes were still blurry from sleep and there was just the night light in the hall so I kept thinking I saw him breathing. I don't remember everything in a clear order after that. I know I called the vet emergency line, eventually talking to a vet and begging her to come help me here at my house which of course she couldn't do. I remember at some point I touched his foot which seemed wet and it was very cold. And I realized my sweetheart was dead. The next few hours are blurry I screamed alot. OH MY POOR BABY! I KILLED HIM! I screamed this over and over for hours till I was exhausted. I screamed as I was falling asleep that afternoon. My daughter probably needs therapy. She did the best she could to help me. But I literally went insane for a while and I don't think I'm back yet.
My father in-law came over and put my boy in the very same box he hopped into himself the night before. He took him to our old house where he was born and where his wild cat family still lives in the barns and bushes nearby. and he buried my baby for me.
I think I have post-traumatic stress cause I still see his dead face in my mind and I start to cry, and want to scream. It's Friday night and I haven't eaten since dinner on Monday. Though somehow I make sure my daughter is taken care of-food, lunch money etc.. I can't sleep (or be awake) without nerve pills. Except for right now. I am sobbing over these words and letting myself feel this and trying to get it out so that maybe I can be alive again. I did briefly consider ending this pain. But that can't be an option and I know it.

WTF, you might say, it was just a cat. NO not to me. He was my best friend and in some twisted way he was a very much a child to me. He loved me so much and I loved him so much.

I'm not sure I can (or want to) believe in a GOD that could let this happen after I've already taken so much (my husband always being gone with work, a crazy witch driving me out of my job, Grampa dying one month before Shadow, all this financial trouble and an already wicked case of depression) . But if you believe please pray for me to get through this in one piece if that's even possible at this point. (Though my heart will always be broken.) Pray that I can forgive "GOD" for this cruel and unusual punishment. Pray that He leaves me in peace for a while before hitting me with the next thing. Pray that I'll see my sweet Shadow again.
And for any of you who might be sad about my pain don't cry for me cry for him he deserves 10 million tears.
arthursmom

Registered:
Posts: 230
 #2 

hi,  i ams o very sorry for your loss of shadow. i will pray for you and him.  please know that in his heart he knows your love for him.  he is at rainbow bridge.  dont ever doubt that.    hugs to you.........  arthursmom   amy

shadowsmama

Registered:
Posts: 67
 #3 

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This is my sweetheart Shadow
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Loudpurring

Registered:
Posts: 774
 #4 
Hi;
I am so sorry for what you are going through. While I do not believe time will heal wounds, I do believe you can learn to live with the pain. If you can perhaps you can block out this feeling from your heart for a while. Just till you can handle it better. Try not to think about it. I know alot of people will not agree with me, but I know what it is to have such unbearable pain, and sometimes it is best to block it out for a while. At least when you are around your daughter. Because you seem so very down. I am so sorry for both of you. Your little Shadow was so special. I could tell by the photos. Please post here again, and nowon here will ever say WTF it was just a cat. People can form stronger bonds with cats and other animals, than with people. It is harder I think with pets because you don't get the support you get with people. Know that you will get support here.
Andee

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #5 
Shadowsmama,

I'm so very sorry you've lost your sweet baby. I know exactly what you
are going thru. The love of my life died suddenly in March from a stupid
mistake a vet made and I have been totally devastated since. He would
have been 8 last month. I had him since he was 4 weeks old and I, too,
bottle fed him for weeks.  My heart is completely broken and most days
I don't know if I can go on without him. He was my everything, and I
saw a lot of the same things in your post. My Pookie never took his
eyes off me, he followed me everywhere, he loved to be kissed and
rocked like a baby and always had to be touching me. I loved him
way too much and he loved me back. My world ended when he died
and now I am just waiting to be with him again. I will never get over
this. God gives us these darlings to love and care for and we don't
know why he takes them back when he does. Perhaps they were given
to us so we would learn something from them, perhaps their purpose
here was finished. The more we love them the more it hurts. Your
sweet Shadow will come to you somehow and you will know she is
ok. Her spirit lives on & is with you and I know from your close bond
with her she will let you know she is ok.  This is a good place to come,
everyone here will help you in some way, but the pain will go on
forever. 

~~Andee 

EmptyNow

Registered:
Posts: 199
 #6 
I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby, Shadow. 

Please know that Shadow knows you love him with all of your heart.  He knew that! 

Although he is not physically with you anymore, he is with you in spirit. I am sure of that.

I lost my 16-year old baby one month and a day ago. I had her since I was 14 and it hurts most days to think that she is not with me.  I know that she is still with me though.

I will keep you in my prayers.

We are here to listen.

Love,

Piggy's Mom
Nancee

Registered:
Posts: 1,328
 #7 
I'm sorry about your loss of Shadow. I could see how you could fall madly in love with him--he's adorable (I have a black/white long haired cat, too--ill).
When you're already dealing w/so much, one more thing seems to tip the scale.
You can get very traumatized by these losses, esp. when other things are going wrong in your life.
The only thing I can say is that you will get through this--because others have before you.
It's so hard because you 2 seemed like you were bonded at the hip. I know my cat and I, too, are very bonded cuz of his illnesses and I've been like a over-protective momma bear to him. I've saved his life I can't say how many times from diabetes reactions (high and low).
Take care and nurture yourself, esp. now. They do have spirits that continue on and I hope you get some signs soon.
Georgeann

Registered:
Posts: 2,245
 #8 
Dear Shadow's Mama:
I am so sorry for your tragic loss of Shadow.  I lost my little Christopher over 13 months ago and I still cry for him every day.  These precious Angels steal our Hearts and take our souls with them when they leave.  I wish there was something I could say to help you but nothing works. Unfortunately the pain, at least for me, just goes on and on.  I have no idea how a heart can beat when it is shattered into so many pieces.   Your story broke my heart and made me cry as I know too well the unbearable pain of their loss.  Shadow was beautiful and from the pictures it is obvious how much he loves his Mommy.  You and Shadow are in my Prayers. 

Big Hugs
Georgeann and Christopher
Forever
shadowsmama

Registered:
Posts: 67
 #9 
I just woke up from a dream... I was laying down and he was sitting on my chest and looking down into my face... I'm not even sure how to feel about this. I miss him very much right now but in the dream(I never KNOW I'm dreaming when I'm dreaming) I just felt so relieved. Like these past couple of weeks had been a mistake and he had never left. In the dream I was asking him....So you're still here and nothing has changed I can still pet you, I just cant hold you the same way I use to right?(he had a special way he liked for me to hold him) It was very strange. I don't know rather to hope for more dreams of him or to hope for none at all.
katebock

Registered:
Posts: 686
 #10 
Dear Elizabeth

I am so terribly sorry.  Your Shadow is a beautiful boy.  I wish I had some magic words to take away your pain, but.....  The intense feelings of grief that you are going through remind me so much of what I felt when I lost my kitty, Gus, in December.  It was the most horrific feeling.  I seriously didn't know if I was going to be able to make it through it.  It was one day at a time. 

There were several things that helped me through the early stages of grief.  Maybe some of them would help you.  I cried ALOT.  It was something I needed to do to relieve some of the stress and pain.  I started writing a list of things I loved about Gus and another list with silly little things he did that I never wanted to forget.  I also had copies made of all of his pictures so I could make a photo album.  I planted a memorial garden for him and bought a memorial stone.  One of the most helpful things I did was come to this site.  It helped so much to talk to other people who truly understood how I felt.  My husband and daughters knew how much Gus meant to me, but they just couldn't relate to the terrible heartache I felt.  Everyone here was so kind and helpful.  I hope some of these ideas work for you.  We each need to find our own way to grieve and heal.

Your connection with Shadow reminds me so much of the connection I had with my Gus.  Oh how I miss the loving way he looked into my eyes and the little games we played.  All I have now are those precious memories.  Gus will always be with me, just as Shadow will be with you. 

Please come back and let us know how you are doing.  I will be thinking of you and your precious Shadow. 

Kate (Gus' mom)



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