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Posts: 1

i am writting this because i’ve read many stories on this forum and im feeling very sad. I can also understand it now, since I lost my cat on friday. I have always knew that the pain will be hard ... but i didnt imagine it will be unbereable. I just cant stand myself because of loss of such an awsome pet. I guess I gotta warn up front I explain in destils the last minutes so if ur weak stomach, dont read.

I always wanted a pet. We had few dogs, but parents always gave them when they became bigger since they became uncontrollable. I was always mad because I knew they didnt want to take care of pet. So i always wanted a pet so i could care of him. When i was 17 i wanted a cat. My parents said No. I had that wish later when i moved with my girlfriend at the time to our own flat - i was 19/20. At first homeowner didnt allow pets because of flies and damages to property. After a year of begging he eventually settled to allow us a cat if he will be indoor and without bugs. I was so happy. Later I found my grandmother has a kitten that is willing to give it to me. I went there too see him and I instantly falled in love with him. He was so fluffy and beatiful. I took pictures of him and showed to my gf at home. We both agree we will take him. We made a plan who will get what the next day and how will we go pick him up.

Next day the time for go get kitten finally arrived. We had everything at home that is needed. We took transport box and drove to grandmother. There I picked him up and he wasnt resisting. I put him in box and getnly put in car. When we came home I was really happy and excited. I finally got a cat!! Noone will tell me how to raise, do etc. I was afraid of him though ... since wasnt used to a pet running around the room and be curious for everything. He was like “da fuq is that, da fuq is that?”. I went to bed and he was meowing. I couldnt sleep so i putted him into bathroom for the night so he wouldnt harm himself. I couldnt sleep more then 3 hours anyway. He was meowing non stop when i woke up so i let him in. And at that moment my life with him began. He came to my bed at i adored him with every second i had. I was so happy i got a cat.

Days passed and i loved him more and more. I made sure he has everything. From many scratching posts, toys, variety of food, fontanas for drinking, massages, catnip, treats... i even made some shelfs with fake grass on the wall in living room so he could be like in a wild. He loved it. I took really good care of him non stop.

But than Me and my gf wanted more cats. Since I wasnt happy that my Johnny is alone. So we took aditional 2 cats (not in once) from shelter and later even one Maine Coon. So we had 4 cats in the end. I always felt like I loved my first cat most. I could tell my Johnny didnt like getting new “friends” but I though thats just temporary.

Time passed and we all had fun. I knew my Johnny is king in the home. Everything was around him and if he approved. I knew if i buy flower he must like it or he will destroy it. I accepted him and that fact. I petted all cats but i had different time with Johnny. I also admitted I love him most (i know cruel to others).

Me and my gf broke up at the end of 2016. She took two cats and I kept two cats. Ofcourse Johnny stayed with me, since he never liked my gf anyhow. I was sad i lost 2 beatiful cats and Johnny came to me when i was crying. He even meowed at me and headbutted. He started purring. He made me smile.

Time passed again and I met new gf. She moved with me and i could tell she loved pets. Even Johnny came to her even though he never greeted other people. I knew she was a match atleast with pet wise. Around year 2018 i kinda noticed my Johnny doesnt eat as much as he had. He was always fat cat. I even gor few nicknames for that. But he didnt mind and came for a treat/food time.

I went to vet and we took blood test - nothing expect he could get diabetes on older age if he doesnt loose weight. I though his tooth was hurting since he broke it when he was one year old. But no vet around my house didnt deal with tooths. I bought him some wet food and he started eating again. He didnt gain lots of weight back up since but i though its because i gave him less since I knew he needs to loose weight.

Then year 2020 started with almost WW3 then covid-19... our country went isolation from 13th March. I was so afraid for my family. I was panicking non stop. I almost non stop watched news and almost cry from fear. I called everyone and told them to stay home. I kinda forgot about my 2 cats. I give them food but not so much attention. My Johnny was loudly jowling not just meowing. I yelled at him because I though his just meowing for no reason. I made sure they got food for atleast 6 months (wet and dry). I started being on computer more often since I found out i dont think about covid so much. But I think this made me my biggest mistake of my life. I didnt interact with cats as I did. Even if I check gallery on phone I can see i took pictures with me and my pets till february 2020, later only random saved pictures from internet. I took last sefie with Johnny on 4th April - before I knew what is going on. My gf asked me sround 8-10 April that if i sern Johnny eating anything or going to the bathroom? I said I did, guess it was just a feeling since he was eating there for 7 years. I said I will call vet but I didnt. I kinda told myself maybe his just picky atm or he sees us all day since covid hit and he “changed” like we did all of a sudden. Bit then i finally came near to my pets on 15 April. I could see my best cat Johnny anorexic so I could see and touch the bones. I gasped for a sec. I opened wet food he munched it down like a champ. I was calmed since I though it is ok he ate. Maybe he was missing me. I called on vet anyhow, and he said come 16 April at 15:30. At that day Johnny wasnt eating just licking the Wey food and also made some sounds when eating. Even his food fall out of his mouth. I though st myself “maybe its his time? Nahhh he will live to his 20”. I was kinda grumpy that day too since I had some work to be done.

So I came to vet at 15:30 and explained him the situation. He said he will check him completely. We took blood sample, checked hearth etc. We were in a room waiting for blood test. I was still being like “ok just maybe one-two pills or tooth out and his fine”. And vet came with test ... catalyst one (april 16, 2020 4:10 PM): his kidneys are failing. He got CREA 1111 umol/L whrre it should be max 212. Some tests didnt even have available number it just wrotte HIGH. I was in shock. Didnt even realise what it meant tbh. He said we got 3 options. We give him meds, u hydrate him at home or we put him down. When he said last part I exploded in tears. I didnt even imagine it could be life treating at home. Everything i feared or was angry at that moment ... gone. I started crying for my cat. Nothing was important anymore. He said we can put him down now since his in stage 4 with only maybe 1 month of life. I sajd I gotta go home to think about this. I hardly drove home. I couldnt hold my tears in. My Johnny?! The cat i though will be with me for many more years ...

I came home and my gf said “ oh u and meowing cat came back”. I bursted in tears that we have to put him down. Like i just accepted that fact :’/. She realised what she said and bursted to tears aswell. I let the cat out of box. He didnt want to leave the box. He was inside. I cryed and cryed ... called my parents to inform him about my Johnny. Many said it should be best to put down. What is a month if he will suffer and be forced to eat what he doesnt even like.

So i couldnt eat/sleep/move till the morning. I had to decide. I couldnt watch my cat starve or be dehydrated. I cryed some more. I kinda said myself I wouldnt want to be treated on the end with needles, why should he?! But i couldnt accept he will be gone. So i called the vet for appointment and he said 18:15. Whole day i petted him, was a beatiful day so we were on balcony on sunligh. He had a blast. But he was hiding, only drinking/peeing non stop. He came to my lap 2 times in the day. I almost said NO its not time. My gf said we should proceed since I will only look at him and feel sorry for him and shes afraid I will remember him like that not active Johnny he was.

So 18:10 ... i dressed up went to vet. There minutes were hours. I couldnt believe what i was doing. I though im in shock and someone is forcing me to do this. What am I doing?? So vet came out to get us we came into room ... cat was fraid more then day before. I could say my fault since he felt my tears and sadness. When vet came I asked again if he can do something? He said look ... u can give him month of some kind of life, but i wouldnt. His really in bad health condition. Its sad we get to know cats are sick when their almost dead.... those words will be with me for the rest of my life. So i nudged to proceed. I was there with him but i couldnt move myself to even hold him last time. I didnt even look at him ... i was looking in that blue liquid, and when his blood came in and vet pressed ... i bursted in tears like now when im typing this msg. We were left alone. I screamed and cryed. I couldnt believe what i have done. I watched those eyes ... i apologised to him and i was just very very sad.

Weekend passed and i feel more horible everyday. My gf lost few cats in her time so she know how to handle situation but for me its first time not just pet but any family member in my life that died. I am so shocked and i blame mysef. I am devasted. I cannot eat or sleep properly, i keep crying and feeling sorry for him. The worse thing is I cannot even pet my other cat. I think she will hate me for that which kills me more.

Sorry its long post. I had to gove it out my chest.

P.s. Johnny i am sorry. I wish i knew sooner.


Posts: 28
I'm so sorry about your Johhny,

My cat Tiger seemed different when I got back from a holiday on March 18, I had friends looking after him at home and they reported some unusual behavior, but when I got back he was like a different cat. Going downstairs a lot and  just looked different. I thought he may have been stressed out and it did not seem too serious so I waited to see if her would return to normal after a few days (I thought it was FIC so didn't want to stress him by taking him to the vet - and also I was not supposed to leave the house for 14 days so I would have to get someone else to take him in), he sometimes seemed better sometimes not and I was worried that he was aged and maybe it was his time.
I got to take him in to the vet after 14 days and the vet confirmed he had lost weight but didn't suggest tests, then I took him back for blood work bc I didn't understand what was going on. He turned out to have stage 3 kidney disease by the bloodwork, but I think it was already worse. I was sent home with subcutaneous fluids for him ( I got the same three options that you did) and she said it would be weeks to months. But, three days later he got worse, shaking and breathing fast, and on that day I had to make the sad decision. Six months earlier his kidneys seemed fine.

Up until after I got back from vacation I saw no difference in him except he was aging. It happened so fast for me...even faster for you, I am so was psychologically very hard for me too, lots of crying and guilt.

We can't control everything, and we  can't see everything that is going on. It sounds like you had a lot of good years with your friend, and he was very loved.

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