Registered: 1570939481 Posts: 3
This past Thursday I had my best friend put to sleep. Nikita was with me for 20 years! We grew up together, I found her when I was 9 years old. December 2018 I took her to the vet for a possible broken foot and a bad tooth. We had blood work done to see if she was too old to have tooth pulled and results were that she was in kidney failure. The vet gave us antibiotics and said if she was okay in 6 months we could re assess. I took that as she had 6 months to live and already started grieving her loss while she seemed mostly fine. Well 9 months later the decline in her health happened. Her tooth had gotten so bad and she had a sore all around it. She lost a lot of weight, I could see all the bones in her back but she was still eating. Her pupils fully dilated and never returned to normal. She started drooling thick clear stuff. One nostril was plugged and she was breathing through her mouth mostly. She definitely went blind in one eye if not both. It all happened so fast. She just wasnt herself anymore. She always put up a fight if we moved her out of a spot or if the other cats came by but she stopped all of it. Her whole life she laid on me whenever possible but she didnt want tk be held anymore. I decided euthanizing her would be best and had to wait a week before I had the money to go. I cried and cried all day everyday.
All week she had bad days but the day of our appt she was doing okay. She let me hold her and she purred. She went to get food on her own and use the litterbox. The drooling wasnt as bad. I took her anyway. She didnt want to leave the bed. She was afraid in the car. When the vet gave her the sedation shot I was holding her and it hurt her! She cried and struggled to get out of my arms and scratched me before she was asleep. I am haunted by this. For 20 years I was the person she loved and trusted more than anything and I let her down. Her last moments alive she felt betrayed by me. I am so sorry. I dont know how I will ever find peace. I wish I could take it back. I miss her so much and just need her to know I never meant to hurt her. What if her having a good day that day was a sign to not go. What if she wasnt ready and I just killed her?! My best friend!
Registered: 1444060919 Posts: 640
In reading your story, I was so touched by what you shared and actually, can really relate. I was with my cat Emerald for 19 years. She was my best friend. 19 years (and 20) is a long time. I jokingly say that many marriages don't last that long. The point is, Emerald was with me a a huge part of my entire life. What stood out was when you said " It all happened so fast." This happened with Emerald too. "All of a sudden" she was on 5 medicines a day! Within a few weeks. And each med was for a different ailment. I was going nuts. One day she had high blood pressure, the next a thyroid problem, the next day anemia, the next day this, the next day that... and so on. These are big deals. And as her mom I was getting all of this bad news. It was horrible and awful. I simply could not cope with seeing my daughter get so sick and so suddenly and everything she was getting sick with was bad. What happened is I did not pay attenetion to all these ailments instead I focused on trying to get her better. Kind of a perpetual optimist, I was sure she was going to return to normal. I had never experienced anything like this and was clueless that what was happening before my eyes were her final days. I am sure there are animals who get better from a myriad of illnesses, but I think in most cases they don't. Not when they are "all" serious issues.When Pearl, Emerald's sister died, I had her euethanized, it was a very similar scenario to the one you described with Nikita. It is hard for me to talk about it. I spent several years on the verge of a nervous breakdown over what happened to Pearl in those final moments. But like Nikita, the needle hurt her and she tried to jump off the table and the worst part was there was no vet tech in the room and I was left with the "honors" of having to hold her down to be euthanzied!!!!!! I felt her body soften up as I spoke to her and the guilt at talking to her and calming her down while she was being put to death was and is something I stuggle with. So without going into further detail, others too have suffered the same fate you, me Nikita and Pearl have. I am very sorry you have suffered like this. Not everyone has had this experience and it is a devastating one. One thing that helped was using the pet loss hotlines that are free. https://www.petloss.com/phones.htm You can call as often as you want. This is not the kind of experience that one phone call is going to resolve. That's why calling back helps and you can call all of them. You may find some that are not listed on the list I shared if you do a google search. The link I shared is the actual one I used. You can call other hotlines as well. Regular ones. Things like this happen in life. I have always viewed life as being one big good time. But it isn't. There are disturbing things that occur. And we have to find the inner strength to cope with it. Getting that inner strength is hard. I have done much reading on pet loss. Because I have needed the help. I did not and do not have friends and family who I could trust to understand my pain. Take care and God bless, Stephanie
Registered: 1570939481 Posts: 3
Thank you for replying Stephanie. I don't have the family or friends either. Im sorry you had the experience also. It is just heartbreaking. Everyone in my life will forget Nikita soon and of course my facebook posts leading up to that day are lost in the feed and no one will see that anymore. I will remember her for a lifetime. I wish so bad that cats lived forever. Its amazing the relationship we build in that time never speaking the same language but always understanding. I felt that until the end, I dont trust that she knew what was coming or why I was so sad. This is the first real loss in my life and I thought I understood death. I dont. I feel like I'm just waiting for something. It is so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I will really never touch her or see her again. I hope somehow she can tell me its okay because without that I wont heal from this.
Registered: 1444060919 Posts: 640
I think you might be waiting for this to be a dream, for it to be not real.For this to be a mistake. For it to be something that really hasn't happened. I know that waiting feeling and I think alot of people here do. In fact I know that waiting feeling because I have experienced it and it is a living hell. I am really sorry you have to experience this. It bothers you that soon everyone will forget Nikita and your facebook posts leading up to the day she died day are lost in the feed. Understandable. I felt that way extremely when Emerald died. We had been together for 19 years. How was the world just going on when it lost one of it's most precious souls. It was not a good feeling. I was mad about that too. I wanted the whole world to know that Emerald had died. She was a giver, not a taker. The world had lost someone awesome. Of course you will remember her for a lifetime, and yes that language you had even though she did not speak English and you did not speak "Meow" was there. I know what you mean. I have to kind of smile. I know what you mean about not being able to wrap your mind around this. The shock of it all is overwhelming. Please keep sharing your feelings. You will heal from this, but not for a while. This catastrophe will not always be in this "intensive" state. But it is for now and that is all that matters. Given what you have been through, it is normal for you to feel this way. God bless you. I am so sorry for you. Stephanie