Petloss.com Logo. Puff and Midget under the rainbow

ALL the Pet Loss Message Boards are moderated to make this an ABSOLUTELY SAFE place for you to find support.
You must REGISTER before you can post or reply.
Posts and replies cannot be viewed until after they have been checked for content & released by the Board Moderators. - EdW
Pet Loss Grief Support Message Board
Sign up  |   |   |  Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment  
Pawprince

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #1 
Anybody else gone through this? As I am facing the loss of my dog to kidney disease... I am trying to talk options, thoughts, and feelings through with my husband. We have been togeather for as long as I've had my dog, about 12 years and he just won't offer input on what to do, how to know what to do, etc. Sometimes he seems annoyed with me at how worried I am. Other times, even though I've explained how dire the situation is, he seems to jist act like everything will be "fine". He doesn't comfort or console me and he treats our dog just as he did before... not mean or bad.. but seems like this is barely affecting my husband and he doesn't comfort me. Anybody else have this in their family ? I seem to be the only one eho deeply cares and will deeply miss my friend. I am so scared about how I will go on when my pup is no longer here. So scared about making the heart wrenching decision to euthanize alone. And then grieve the loss of my loving dog alone.

How does one go on in this world without the only one who really loves them ?
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #2 
My dearest Pawprince,
I feel you and your pain. I had to let my (Heart Dog) Termy go in September and my husband seems to have moved on the same day I let him go. He didn't even offer to go with me when I took him to the vets. I've had several emotional break downs and sob uncontrollably. Oh, he asks "what's wrong" and I say I miss Termy in between sobs and all he says is "I know". I don' t think I ever saw a tear shed from him for Termy and he was with us for over 16 years. I know what you mean when you ask him for input and you get "fine", your not fine nor is your baby. I'm still grieving alone after 7 very long and lonely months. I wish I knew how to help you and offer you the comfort you are so desperately seeking. All I can do is be here for you and send you all my support and love. Because of being a lone I can only think how much I want to be with him because he was always here for me and was my rock. I want to feel needed again. Please feel free to talk to me and let me know how you are doing and your baby. I also explained my dire situation and only wanted support but all I received was "It's time" and then finally "you did the right thing" ALONE. So I understand your plight
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
Tinky

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #3 
I lost Tinky, my little princess girl, a week ago today.  My heart and soul are completely shattered.  I still haven't been able to talk about it in any detail without completely breaking down.  2 days after she left me, I tried to discuss it with my spouse.  To that point I had done nothing but cry (and that's still about all I do) and hadn't talked much.  The way Tinky went bothers me greatly.  When I finally tried to talk to my spouse about Tinky, she cut me off with, "I'm not going to talk about Tinky with you.  I'm not going to live in the world you choose to live in," referring to my (apparently chosen) grief and "choice" to "focus" on the way my baby girl suffered in her last few hours.  I tried to explain to my spouse that if someone were to shoot her in the foot, it would hurt, very badly, and it would be the kind of hurt that would take her attention whether she wanted to give the attention or not -- not thinking about it or tuning it out would not be an option.  I told her that is the kind of hurt I'm feeling -- the kind that takes my attention whether or not I want to know it's there.  She also makes it very clear through gestures and body language that she thinks it's stupid that I cry and/or that she was tired of it after the first couple of days.  I haven't discussed Tinky with my spouse since.  My precious baby girl just left me and now the one person with whom should be able to discuss it, who I have been with for more than 14 years, doesn't want to talk about it because she doesn't agree with my grieving.  So, while my situation is not exactly the same as yours, I can definitely sympathize, and I feel the immense loneliness and emptiness.  Now on top of the fact that I will never get over the way my Tinky left me, I will also never forget my spouse's demeanor toward me.

I will share something with you, though, that you should look into immediately.  Last June my baby girl's kidneys began shutting down because of all the lasix she was getting.  One of my holistic vets (I had an entire team of vets working for my baby girl the last 2 years, which includes 2 holistic vets) gave me a product called Kidney Support Gold, made by PetWellbeing.  Tinky's main vet also prescribed a food made by Hill's called k/d (comes in various flavors, and actually does require a vet's prescription).  A week later we tested Tinky's BUN/creatinine levels again and the vet who initially spotted the kidney problem was "absolutely astounded" at how quickly Tinky's kidneys "bounced back."  Tinky never had any kidney issues again, despite the fact that we had to increase her dosage of lasix several times thereafter.  I don't know whether these things will work for your dog, but I have to think they can at least help somewhat, and at the very least couldn't do any harm.  Please check into them immediately.  Kidney Support Gold: ******** .  Hill's k/d (many vets carry it in their offices, but, again, it requires an actual prescription): https://www.hillspet.com/health-conditions/dog/kidney .

As far as how to deal with your spouse, I wish I could offer some magic words, but, as I said, I'm going through a similar situation.  I will say this, though.  I promised Tinky, out loud (and more than once) that I would always do my best to understand what she needed and wanted, and that I would always be her voice and her advocate, and that I would fight for her.  It caused a few problems here and there between myself and my family, friends and spouse, but I can't apologize for it.  I was her voice and advocate when she had no one else to do it for her, and I will never regret that.  You have to do the same.


(*****Link to commercial website removed - EdW)
Tinky

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #4 
Something else I want to add... one of my holistic vets also had me do a bunch of different IDEXX tests on my baby girl and send the results off to the University of Tennessee Veterinary Nutrition Department (I'm in Texas), and they put together a custom, home-made diet specific to Tinky's specific conditions and chemistry.  Her main vet commented more than once that the diet was playing an immense part and crucial role in keeping my Tinky stable for as long as she was.  This is also something you should look into.  The lab work was quite expensive (around $900), but more than worth it.  There was an option to do fewer tests (so it would have been around $300), but I wanted complete accuracy and full information for my baby.  If you can't afford the tests, check into The Pet Fund or Care Credit.  You cannot go directly to the University of Tennessee; you have to be referred by a vet that has an established relationship with the university (many vets across the country do).  If you cannot find such a vet in your area, I would be more than happy to will contact my vet who referred us and see if she can recommend someone in your area.  Don't procrastinate on any of this!  Kidneys can go downhill quickly, but as I've also seen first-hand, they can also rebound quickly if you don't let them degrade too much.
Tinky

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #5 
Also, please contact Dr. Anna Wolf: doctorwolf@petsynergy.com .  She's in Washington, but will work with you remotely as she did with me.  Tell her Tinky sent you.
twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 837
 #6 
I am unmarried but I know all about what you are feeling. I live with my daughter, son in law and two granddaughters. My son in law was overseas when Nugget died last week and came home Sunday. He has not said one word of condolence. My daughter told me Friday that I need to get over it, that it is not good for me. Nugget died Wednesday! Apparently emotions are unacceptable after two days. I am sorry this is happening to you PawPrince and to others here. The reason I have been coming her for 15 years is that people understand and the emotions we feel are accepted, not criticized. I find it heartwarming that you are reaching out to so many hurting hearts when you are are suffering so much. Thank you.
Pawprince

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #7 
cosesmom: I guess it's comforting to know I'm not alone in being alone. Wish my spouse would be more comforting, and I'm sure you wish the same with yours. I know it could make the transition through the loss and the grief at least a little bit more managable. I really worry about the state of my mental health. It's not good now, eventhough my beloved Arby is still with me on this earth. It's just that I know his health is deteriorating and the end is coming near. So hard to see my best friend of nearly 12 years go. Scared and wondering if what's left of my mental health will also go when he does(?)

I have my husband, but no real other family. I come from an abusive background. Arby saw me through many difficult times and of course I always try and do right by him.

I can barely leave Arby's side. He wants to be around me, and I around him. I used to work, now I can barely function doing a short shift at my job. I am panicking - dont know what I will do without my beautiful Arby


Tinky: I have heard of the kidney support gold. My vets gave me Aminavast which has the same intention, but works in a different way I think. since December, I have spent 1000s, and unfortunately I am running out of money to try new things. Especially since this is chronic kidney disease. Might still order it , though.

xoxo
PoisonIvy

Registered:
Posts: 60
 #8 
My ex-husband and I get along okay when we see each other (he comes to see our adult children when they're in town and always comes to my (formerly our) house), but I wasn't even planning to tell him about my previous, now-deceased dog having cancer because ex is so lacking in empathy.  The situation was forced when he came to see one of our children and she mentioned the dog's illness.  In response, ex said that the dog was old and was going to die anyway....  Although I know ex is like this, it still really hurt.
Pawprince

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #9 
PoisonIvy: I have gotten a reaction like that before - like my dog is old & 'what did I expect?'

I can say I didn't expect the time to go by so fast. So many loving memories, every day seeming like heaven to me. So happy. I have enjoyed our lives and the moments we've had togeather... didn't put a 'wall' up... there was no need. My dog and I have a natural respect and love for one another.

Nothing could kill that for me except nature itsself, I'm now understanding that one day my beautiful, perfect baby will pass on too.

Maybe we can be grateful we are not cold or mean. That we are able to experience and appreciate the lovliness of our pets and others <3

Life would not have been so good if I had not known and loved my Arby! Through all the tears... finally trying to turn my energy toward the good. it is hard though, I am still mourning the loss of my pet's good health and worried about him. Worried about the day I will lose someone I love so much ...even thinking about that brings me to tears.

But just trying to enjoy what time we have left
twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 837
 #10 
I am worried about you. How are you and Arby! Messaged you a couple things, actually quite a bit. Have things changed for the worst? Please respond if you are able.
KobasMom114

Registered:
Posts: 14
 #11 
You're not alone in feeling alone. I'm currently going through this as I was forced into making a decision to euthanize my Koba, because of him biting my aunt. He was a resource guarder with his food at the shelter.. and it manifested again except I became the resource.

Obviously, it's difficult to talk to my family about it at all without them bringing up his aggression or without me being upset about the lack of support from them.

My dog was a big mush 99% of the time, so to have one incident brand him forever really really hurts. 

Your husband may be hurting too and not showing it. Some people process differently but my advice is to speak up and say you need support. If that doesn't work.. art has been an amazing way for me to cope. Hang in there. I know it's not the same as your hubby being there for you, but I'm here! 

- Vita, Koba's mom
Tamari_sue

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #12 
I know this may be way to generalized but thought it may help. So very sorry you have to go through this, ((hugs))

I just lost my 4 month old kitten tragically. Everyone in my family loved her so much. When I lost her I was a complete wreck, I cried for pretty much an entire day and night straight. (My dog probably accidentally killed her, made it even worse). I had heard that different people grieve differently so I tried to keep that in mind. My brother that loved her the most seemingly wasn't the least affected by what had happened that day. But later he said he would have hugged me but wasn't sure if I would have wanted that and got teary telling me that. He did care, he was just keeping it to himself and not grieving outwardly like I was. Another brother gave me a bit long hug which he never does and took my out the next day to get my mind off of it, he cared too but never cried. My Dad took her and buried her for me and also offered to get me out of the house, when trying to figure out if I was right about how she died, he teared up as well. Grief for me is very obvious, it comes to the surface in lots of tears, but it was good to see that they cared, it just didn't show the same as me.

It's possible that your husband isn't as attached to her as you and doesn't feel the same. But he could also feel similar but be keeping it in and doesn't want to discuss it/ treats the dog the same etc. Because focusing on it would be too hard/sad for him.

Maybe you could ask him how he feels, and why he doesn't want to talk about it? He might not want to answer that, but maybe he would and it would clear up why
Pawprince

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #13 
twinkiesmom: Thank you :) I messaged you back. Hope it went through. Arby and i are hanging in there ... taking things day by day.

These are stressful times, but I'm trying to rally support from caring people in my life even if outside the home.
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.

If you can, please help support this Message Board with a donation: