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Daria

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 #1 
On Sunday afternoon I received a call from the vets to say someone brought my cat Hank as hey found him on our street, he was hit by a car and did not make it. We were away at the time, I posted on facebook to find who the person was and found out it was a lady few doors down who found him on Sunday morning by her car on the pavement, she put him in a box hoping someone will come and collect him but then later on took him to the vets to be scanned, that is when I got the call.

I don't really know where to start, he was only 2 years old, and was an exceptional animal, had so much love that was almost unusual for a cat, so happy and content. I was stricken by grief instantly, but more than anything the feeling of utter guilt that he was there on the road all alone just yards away from his own house and I didn't know! Did he die during the night, was he there waiting for someone to come and get him and I never arrived? why didn't I know? why didn't I get some kind of a feeling that something was not right? The guilt is eating me up from the inside. I feel that I have let him down that he counted on my that he needed me the most and I let him die alone! The loss of him is crushing, I had to go and see him the next day, to say goodbye, I stood there looking at him he was so peaceful, his had his paw tucked in and his head down like he was asleep this makes me think that he was alive and just waited there but I never came!!! I stroked him and kissed him, and told him how sorry I was for not being there how much it hurts and that I will never forgive myself for not being there for him, I wanted to take him home to cuddle him to make him better to wake him up, I was crying uncontrollably and the hardest decision was to let go. To leave that room to stop touching him was the most painful experience of my life. 

The guilt is eating me up, the more I think about it the worst it is, I keep thinking about his last moments so close to home and its literally making me sick, people say that he could have died instantly that if I didn't know how could I have been there? yes its true but it doesn't help. I keep seeing him everywhere in the house and each time I cry, I don't think I have many tears left in me but they just come and come. I cannot imagine him not being there each time that feeling comes its overwhelming and impossible to cope with. 

Has anyone felt that the minute we think about something else our mind suddenly resting from the grief, we very quickly feel guilty? I feel that I almost have to punish myself for letting him down for not being there and just kept on thinking about he worst case scenarios just to add more pain to already very painful experience.

People around me don't seem to understand and I feel that I am the crazy cat lady going mental over a cat, this just makes me angry and I don't know how to pour my grief how to speak to someone who will actually listen and engage and understand, I can almost see the rolling eye 'here she goes again' I know I am saying the same thing over and over again but I cant help myself they just pour out of my mouth I cant stop it I feel that is the only way for me to try to move on.

I also find that the more I read about pet loss the more I Look at my cat pictures, the more I read the poems it actually makes it worst, its like I feel a little bit better and then it all comes back as if it has just happened. I feel that people around me wont give me enough time, I feel that I will need a lot of time, I don't know what to do, I miss Hank to a level I never experienced its actually physically painful and the grief is there right in my chest my heart. I just want him back he should have never died he was full of live and love and that hurts the most. I guess I am in denial, each morning I wake up its like a bad dream and then I remember him at the vets all cold and asleep forever and how much I tried to comfort him and kiss him and he did not wake up :-(

I found this site I just wanted to write stuff down I think its a coping mechanism I am scared I am scared of this grief I am very scared of this tormenting guilt I am scared it will consume me, I almost feel that I want the grief to consume me to take me to a dark corner away from everyone and everything so I can jut cry and cry and cry and cry.

I have this need to tell Hank how sorry I am, how terribly sorry I am that I was not there for him, how much I loved him and that I should have known I should have felt something I should have helped him and be there for him but I didn't and if he can forgive me because right now I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself.

Hank May 2017 - January 2019

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