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nikajaneis_love

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Posts: 3
 #1 
Hello all,

this is my first time ever blogging, writing my thoughts for the whole world to see. i'm writing because i'm struggling, struggling with the reality that my dear nika jane is really gone.I think more than anything I need validation that it's ok to be where i am with this thing called grief. it's ok i feel lost and confused and numb and pissed off.

 It's been almost 5 days since i was awakened by the frightening call at 2:10am from the vet hospital that my baby, who was undergoing rescue protocol chemo tx for lymphoma, had gone into cardiac arrest. the doctor who seemed frantically out of breath asked us if me if i wanted to open up her chest to try to start her heart manually since CPR wasn't reviving her. I changed my answer 3x in .3 milliseconds as I questioned myself and to my partner what was the right answer in my half awake panic state. We chose not to open her up. I only realize now the vet hospital staff giving her CPR to my Nika for an extended period of time was more to comfort me than to realistically intervene medically, because with as sick as I'm realizing now that my baby was at the time of her demise, i believe now that she probably went quickly soon after CPR was started.

As hard as it's been to cope with this surreal pain, I feel like I have moments of reprieve in which I realize suddenly that wow I distracted in thought and I am able to function normally. Then as quickly as I recognize this, the rush of emotions come flooding back, I feel like I see or feel Nika's presence beside me everywhere I am, even places I know Nika never went with me. I even saw a young family walking their dog past my house, and of course as most things bring her up in my mind, I could swear that the dog was Nika. Same shape, Same strut, Same wag. (BTW Nika is a mutt) I am embarrassed to say that I even audibly called out "Nika" in their direction on the way into my house from my car. Now I'm relieved that no one, not even the dog, looked back at me. Will this ever get better?

I welcome any wisdom, words of encouragement on how to walk this path one step at a time, however awkward and uncomfortable it may be.


Darian

Registered:
Posts: 282
 #2 
I'm so sorry about Nika.  Please be assured that the emotions you are experiencing are completely valid.  You came to the right place because here, you will read story after story from people whose grief haunts and confuses them after the death of a loved fur-baby. Losing Nika was a traumatic experience for you and yes, you'll feel her beside you and you'll miss her. You'll be angry, panicked, depressed, guilty and lonely.   Losing my little one in July was the most traumatic experience I've had, and I've lost close family members.  But with people,  you can talk things out, prepare, take comfort in knowing the religious beliefs of the person and usually, that they prepared themselves.  With our little ones,  there are so many words left unspoken. We have no way of knowing how they feel about death.  We can give them all of our love and dedication and still wonder,   did we do enough for them?  Look in your heart and you'll see that you did everything you could for Nika.  She loved you, you loved her.  She is peaceful now and with time,  you will mend.
~~Hugs~~Darian
nanangel

Registered:
Posts: 1,040
 #3 

{{{{{{NIKA}}}}}}

                                  My heart grieves with you, knowing the pain and anguish you are experiencing.  All of us here at Petloss have walked in your shoes and we extend our hearts, love , and comfort to you and all who are mourning their beloved pets.  Losing my BlakeGirl 2 years ago on the 15th of this month was the worst pain I have ever been through to this point.  I never believed I would make it much less smile again......but I promise you.........a time will come when your tears transform to smiles as you fondly recall all the memories you shared with your darling Nika. 
                                 Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you mourn your precious Nika.

Love and {{{HUGS}}} BlakeGirl's  mommy  (Chris)

BlakeGirl2.jpg BlakeGirl in garden image by nanangel


Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,059
 #4 
Losing a beloved pet is one of the hardest things to endure.  I am very sorry your dear Nika Jane has passed on.  In the early days of grieving there isn't much that can be said or done to bring comfort.  When my bunny first passed on, I wrote in a journal about my feelings. Then finding this site helped so much.  Everyone here understands the pain and sorrow you are experiencing at this time.  We have all been down that path.  Life does get better.  The intense pain starts to lessen and your world seems a little brighter as the days turn into weeks.  I missed my boy so much at first that I didn't think it was possible to ever feel better.  He was such a joy!  It does help to express your thoughts here and your petloss family will help you through this time.  I hope you will tell us more about sweet Nika Jane and post a picture or two.  You will be in my prayers.

Mare
precious Christoph ~ 2 years at the bridge ~

Buffaronie

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #5 
Good Morning:

The answer is yes, it will get better.  I am so sorry to hear about your sweet Nika Jane.  It is so hard when our furbabies get sick and pass on.  It sounds like you did everything possible for you sweet girl. 
All of the steps for grieving you will experience or maybe already have.  Some of them I have experienced more than once. But you have to give your self time to grieve don't try to cheat it because it ... I tried and it came back and bit me...in the middle of the grocery store when I accidently turned down the pet aisle as I had done so many times prior to losing my 14 year old Lhaso Apso, Buffy. 
I believe strongly that our firbabies that have crossed over come back to tell us they are ok.  I have had many signs from Buffy that she's doing good...still doesn't make it any easier for me...I still sit and cry when I get the signs. Sometimes I sit and find myself talking to her as if she was here.  The best thing that helped me was sitting down and writing her a letter...that helped out alot.   Now I am working on a Memory Book and I seem to be crying and smiling at the memories...
The floods of emotions will last a bit...for me I give that at least a year because...it's all the firsts that they miss out on...yesterday was my first birthday Buffy wasn't here, then the holidays...all the firsts are really going to be hard for me...but hopefully after I get over the first syndrome the emotions won't be so frequent. 
Nika is with you and she's going to help you through this tough time.  Give yourself time to grieve...that's really the best thing you can do for yourself. 
Keep posting on this sight...it's unbelieveable the amount of support you will get and it's very comforting to be with people that know EXACTLY how you feel and will help you through all of this.   Tell us more about Nika.   

Lois 



LoriDR

Registered:
Posts: 2,123
 #6 
My heart goes out to you in the loss of your sweet Nika Jane. My gosh, it's only 5 or 6 days ... it's so early. Those early weeks are agony without our constant companions. We're so used to their powerful, loving energy around us all the time, and to have that removed from us ... it's just constant heartache.

Your feeling of having Nika Jane with you all the time is real. She knows you need to feel her presence for comfort, and she's with you as you get through the grief. Nothing you said about your feelings, surprises me at all. I, and many of us here, have said and done the same things you described.

It's good you decided to express yourself here. It also helped me to share about my dog's life, and let him live on through not only my memory, but everyone else's here too. Your grief will ease up as time goes by. You just need someone to hold your hand as you get through it, and that's what these boards are for.

Hugs of comfort,
Lori

nikajaneis_love

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #7 

Thank you so much everyone for your very kind words. As I read them I feel so understood, and instantly get why so many flock to this site. I envision a panel of wise counsel extending their hearts and hands so I dont have to be alone with my sorrow.
Thank you.

I will continue to write about Nika Jane, thank you for encouraging that. Even though I feel that everything reminds me of her in some way, I feel like I've been filtering my thoughts, words especially to my wife, who is handling this loss by hours of xbox play and cleaning the house. God bless her, she has been carrying me through as I've been "out of commission" so to speak. I feel like she has a threshold and I don't want to depend on her more than I feel like I am already.

I wanted to post some pictures of nika jane but I don't think it is working. A square faint icon comes up when I try to copy and paste jpeg code. Does anyone have any advice how to post fotos?

Thanks again and I'm looking forward to sharing my thoughts here.
Sara








karen4

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #8 
  • Hi My name is Karen I lost my babr oreo friday nite she was a 9 pound shiz tzu she had congestive heart failure. i tried to accept it I cant I have been in bed for two days crying my heart out. Please understand she meant so much to me i dressed her up she had five beds in different rooms my first dog.  I am so confused mad I punched my bed out of angery. It is so bad I cant stand looking out side i closed the blinds I have no idea what is going on I cant accept it I cant.  I am so mad at god myself for lot letting her go. When she fell over my husband  told it was ok to go i was out side crying no no its not ok come back to mommy please dont die how selfish is that but i still feel the same.  I cant say she died I tell my self she is not dead .   I can not fight it I am even worse the second day than the first.  I cant leave my bed room i feel so secure there with the blinds closed. What is worst the evening she died friday evening that day I gave her a warm bath and asked the groomer if I hold her can he cut around her face he did I washed her bed the one she laid in the most. How horrible of me to do that on her last day i hate hate my self for that i should of sat an held her all day, but I tortured her instead now I cant make it up to her.  I am so very sad I cried since it happened an I just lay in bed for two days saying she is not dead mad at my dear husband for telling her it was ok to go I am so very mad at him telling him how could you say that.   Please pray for me that my pain and hate will go away.  And also that the pain of ruining her last day is natural even if I did ruin her last day I cant live my life in such guilt.      My husband said he would get me another shiz tuz i told him no way my love for oreo can not be shared I told him how dare you say that.  Please be kind I no I am crazy but I loved her even if she was old 14 I can not let go I  already told my family no christmas tree I know its selfish but my heart was broke on friday nite.  Any suggestion I will listen cause I feel no one has ever acted this way but I feel like my world caved in an I can not accept it. No christmas in Karens house this year.  
nikajaneis_love

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #9 
Hello karen,

my heart goes out to you as you try to get through your day. it is true that nothing and noone can make this feeling disappear or at best move through quickly. I know that in the hours and few days that have followed since the passing of my sweet nika jane I have sadly and angerly struggled with thought that I don't want this feeling to pass, because somehow, if I'm not in agony than that may mean I don't care. Obviously, this is completely illogical, but grief isn't and will never be logical.
it is completely normal to be where ever you need to be right now, this is what my loving wife and a dear friend have repeated to me several times. I believe that you don't have to accept anything, right now as you are just getting over the shock. I know that I still am and its been almost 6 days for me.
What has been so helpful for me is the permission i've given myself to be in whatever mood i'm in. it is what is. there is not one right path to walk when you are heartbroken, whatever path you are on is simply your path.

karen4

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #10 

thank you so much friend for your response an my heart goes out to you on your lost of your sweet nika jane.  This is so hard I been in bed for two days mad at the world mad at god.  I even cant think of her at the rainbow bridge cause  i never left her alone before. This is so crazy I cry when i read the rainbow bridge.  This is so selfish of me, but I cant reason why I feel why me. I am open to any help anyone can give me. I never never thought I would be this way I just feel i will not get better till I get her back. So please pray that i can accept it.  I miss her it went to fast friday nite.        

PattisMom

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #11 
Yes, it does get better.  When we put our Patti to sleep, it was really hard.  I know our circumstances were different than yours though.  Ours wasn't as traumatic, although losing anyone dear in your life is a traumatic experience.  We didn't have to decide on life saving measures.  We decided that as old as she was, losing the use of her back legs and bowel function, pretty much blind and deaf, we thought it was time to let her go.  I found this website the night before we put her to sleep.  I am so glad I found it.

Karen 
karen4

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #12 

while its been four days since losing my dear oreo.  The pain is so Bad I can't function I stay in the house or in my bed, even if she was 14 i cant accept it. I hope soon I can feel its ok to let her go but it is not right now.  I havent slept I just cry this is such a horrible feeling I dont want to leave my house cause I dont want to see anyone or talk to anyone.  This has been the worst pain I have ever felt I ask for all your prayers that my pain wont be so bad so please do pray for me.  

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