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kittiekat

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Posts: 215
 #1 
I had my Smokey PTS on Thursday, July 3.  Smokey was suffering from kidney failure, auto immune problems, diabetes, very bad circulation, dehydration.  As I said in a previous post, I'd get one issue manageable and another issue popped up or was created by the tx of the another problem.  Last night I counted my vet visits since the first of May and they add up to at least 20.  Most of them were to draw blood for assorted values.  But, it was always very traumatic for Smokey b/c he would go wild when they tried to get blood from his veins.  The circulation was so poor (the vet commented several different times at how bad Smokey's circulation was) the vet had to go in several times for blood.  A couple of times they had to go to the jugular and I could hear him screaming in the back of the clinic.  As I said, each time was just awful for Smokey.  I also put all of the meds in a bag that Smokey was prescribed over the course of the last two months and it came to seven bottles.  He was on an average of three meds a day.

All of Smokey's values were getting so bad.  Finally the vet said Smokey's body just isn't moving things well, so the vet wanted to try a two day push of meds and fluids, along with a stool softener to help things move.  Then recheck everything.  That was our visit to the vet on Thursday.  They checked values, one came back better and the others not significantly changed.  His blood sugar sky rocketed again (after normalizing and no longer requiring insulin).  His red blood cells were very low.  The vet said I could take him home and give him insulin and bring him back next week to see if that helped.  I knew that meant more blood draws for who knows how long and, the other meds would still be required.  Smokey hated taking the meds.  That is when I decided that enough was enough. 

I told the vet Smokey had been through enough and I wasn't going to put him through more poking and prodding.  The vet gave Smokey an injection to relax him, before the euthanasia drug.  It was the only way the vet could have done the euthanasia without Smokey fighting.  Smokey became so relaxed, just out of it.  It helped in that I was able to hold him through most of the process.  But the worst part is that the vet was having a horrible time getting a good vein for Smokey.  The vet had to poke him in every leg to try and get a good vein.  And it was extremely difficult for the vet.  It was horrible to watch b/c I didn't want Smokey to suffer with anymore.  I wasn't about to leave him though.  The vet did say that part of the problem that day was the relaxation drug.  It slowed Smokey's circulation even more.  The vet did say that Smokey was a sick kitty.  I just can't get the picture of the poke after poke in every leg out of my mind.  I feel terrible and so horribly guilty that I can't stop crying.  I can only hope that Smokey was so out of it that he could have cared less.

How can I know that my Smokey was lovingly PTS and didn't suffer?????


mollyboltsmom

Registered:
Posts: 991
 #2 
The fact that he was given a drug to relax him first and then the shot is normal practice in my vet's office. But what they do differently is this: they took Molly from us for a very short while. While she was in the back, they gave her the sedating shot and put a shunt into her vein. She was then brought back to us. We must have loved on her for at least a half hour. The vet checked periodically with us and we finally knew we had to go through with it. She inserted the needle into the shunt, and Molly was gone on her journey to the Bridge.
Just our experience. I am so sorry that you had to make that decision. I am sorry you lost Smokey.
I hope you find some peace today.
Molly's Mom
Loudpurring

Registered:
Posts: 774
 #3 
Dear KittyKat;
I am so sorry you had to go through what you did and witness what you saw. I know that there is nothing that will take the images you speak of out of your head. We spend our lifetimes trying not to remember what we cannot forget.
 
Your Smokey was most likely not aware of anything after the sedative was given. It was most likely Propofol. Was it white? If that is what it was they can even do minor surgical procedures on that drug alone. So with that being said I doubt Smokey was aware of much.
 
Where I work we allways put in an IV catheter for just that reason. So the pet does not have to be poked and poked. It must have been so upsetting to you. But I doubt strongly that Smokey was aware.
 
I also think that Smokeys elevated glucose after remmision was due to stress. Smokey is one of many cats that do not do well in a hospital enviornment.
 
I knew a cat that was near dead when I met him. The Regular Vet had tried him on humalin insulin for months and months with fruitosamine levels of 900's 3 months after starting therapy. It took about 3 months before the cat had doubled his weight and was going to hurt me (he loved me, but wouldn't mind messing me up if I were to annoy him) So after that no more blood checks. Sometimes you have to fforget the numbers and treat the pet. No pet will improve if they are stressed out .
 
How old was Smokey? Most of all rest assured he did not know what was going on.
Nancee

Registered:
Posts: 1,328
 #4 
Sorry for your loss of Smokey. It's traumatic enough to euthanize your pet, but with a situation like this, it must have been pure he*l. Geez.
Smokey is in heaven now, regardless of what happened. He only can feel peace.  I hope you find peace, too.
kittiekat

Registered:
Posts: 215
 #5 
Hi Molly's mom, Loudpurring and Nancee,

Thank you for your thoughts.  It was pure **** for me and I keep replaying the scene.  The first drug appeared to be kind of a clear liquid with a hint of color.  I can't be sure.  But I can say he was clearly out of it, no doubt about that.  I don't know if I should be extremely angry at the vet, but they appeared to be equally frustrated and distraught.  The vet is a very good vet and yes I am frustrated with them to some degree, but I know Smokey's veins were pretty bad.  Also, Smokey's urine output was matching his blood sugar levels, so I don't know that I can say it was stress from being at the vet. 

I have to wonder now if I didn't cause some of Smokey's ailments.  I don't know what to think anymore.  All I feel is extreme guilt and sadness.  I have an appointment to talk with the vet on Monday.  I am having a difficult go of it right now though.
Loudpurring

Registered:
Posts: 774
 #6 

How can it be your fault?

rupertsmum

Registered:
Posts: 820
 #7 
So sorry for you Kittecat

I too had to go through that agony in January and it haunted me too for a long time.  Now I have to make myself not think about it.  My Ruperts body was shutting down and the vet had trouble with the injection in the veins.  I was almost hysterical as he had to do it again.  It broke my heart and it brings tears to my eyes even now I am writing this.  This image has faded a little as he has been gone 25 weeks tomorrow.    I felt so awful I couldnt, eat or sleep and I felt so guilty even though I knew I had to do it.  You are in shock and you are feeling guilty too.  Please dont blame yourself,  it wont help you.  I know I have been there.  Please try to focus on the good part of your life together not the end of that life
 
We are left with memories and photos and try to focus on that.   No-one can ever take that away.  Post a picture when you feel up to it. Everyone here knows you pain and we understand.

Smokey I hope you are running free at the Rainbow Bridge with my Rupert and both of you have good kidneys now.  You Mum and I miss you and love you so much.  Ruperts Mum 
kittiekat

Registered:
Posts: 215
 #8 

Hi Loudpurring and Rupert's Mum,

The me causing some of Smokey's ailments..........I guess I sometimes think..... did I go to the right vet?  This vet was very exhaustive/investigative in tx options (The vet I had used during my Sammy cats illness didn't really seem to care about looking into other causes of her condition....that's why I changed vets).  Was he on too many meds?  Did I expose him to the vet too much.  Also, I took in a cat that was living in a coworker's basement for 5 years.  According to the coworker, and after 5 years, they had developed an allergy to the cat.  So 5 of Twiggy's 10 years, she lived in the family's basement.  I decided to adopt her last November.  I often wonder if that caused Smokey's decline. 

At this point w/regard to Twiggy (the new cat), I have to believe she was a gift from God.  God knowing that this day for Smokey was not far off and I would be losing the second of my two best friends.  Twiggy and I haven't bonded like I had with Smokey and Sam, but a lot of the time she has been here, I have been caring for Smokey.  I almost feel as though I may have neglected her a bit.  She and I are just kind of "rattling" around the house right now.  But her presence is a comfort to me and she is slowly starting to warm up to me.  I do feel a bit guilty about showing her attention in my grief, but I can't not love on her.

The morning's are so difficult right now b/c we had such a routine of his special wet food that he loved to eat.  But this morning as I thought back, in the last couple of weeks, there were many times I had to coax him from my bed to eat it.  At least twice I actually brought the plate of food to him in bed.  He was crazy about his wet food.  As soon as he heard that lid pop open, he'd be practically running into the kitchen.  Another couple of signs I noticed the last couple of months were that his body weight was down dramatically and his skin was flaking a lot.  I had never seen that happen in such drastic amounts.

Anyway, I guess during the visit at the vets on Thursday, when I made my decision to let Smokey go, I did it from the gut.  I knew I wasn't going to put him through more misery.  During the actual procedure, and even though it was difficult I did have some peaceful feelings of knowing that he wasn't going to have to suffer anymore tests, aches, pains, nausea and toxicity.  Seeing the difficulty the vet was having with the veins I think gave me some verification that things were on the decline.  Things would only get worse as Smokey's body continued to deteriorate.

I'm so sorry to ramble on like this.  It helps to chat and hear other stories and grieve with others. 

Rupert's mum, I'm so sorry for your loss as well.  I have to believe that Rupert and Smokey are in heaven having quite the time.  Thank you for your words of comfort.  I'm trying so hard to keep those last moments out of my mind, but they flash up at odd times.  I will try to keep the good memories coming in.


Nancee

Registered:
Posts: 1,328
 #9 

Kittiekat's mom--You were a very good caretaker/momma to your  cat. You did a good job. I think it's  normal to think "What if, Could I have,etc."

It sounds like you just wanted what was best for Smokey and you were very good to him. Take care of yourself.

kittiekat

Registered:
Posts: 215
 #10 
Nancee, thank you so much.  You are providing me much comfort!!!!!

Kittie, Smokey's mom.....
choochoo

Registered:
Posts: 115
 #11 
Kittiekat ,
           I am sorry you had to lose your loved smokey.But you did what you had to do to relieve smokey from distress and pain.Im sure he wsnt aware of what what going on.I too recently put my old companion dog to sleep and i still feel guilty as you do and also go back and see that i shouldve saw something and gave her aspirin when she should have been brought to the vet but we do the best we can for the ones we love.You werent going to make smokey young and well again and im sure she would have gotten worse and felt more pain so you did the right thing for her.I can tell you loved her very much and she is lucky she had you in her life for so long .take care
carewolf

Registered:
Posts: 909
 #12 
I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your baby.
From reading your message i can tell what a wonderful and caring mommy you were and I know that Smokey knew that too. Sometimes helping them to go to the Rainbow Bridge is the most compassionate thing that you can do-your final gift that comes from love. You have to go with the information your own vet gave you about your baby. You also have to trust your feelings for
you knew Smokey the best since you shared and still share a heart. Smokey is now happy and healthy at the Rainbow Bridge and you are left here feeling the pain. It takes time to come to terms with your loss and you will go through man y stages of grief. Just remember that we are all here for you and understand the pain you are feeling. You are walking through a storm now but one day the sun will shine again.

 

 

I wish you peace and hope.

 

Love and Blessings,

Carewolf aka Carol

 
 
HerbiesMom

Registered:
Posts: 196
 #13 
I remember the vet had a bit of troube finding a vein for Herbie, but she had givien him a sedative and told me that once given, he would not be aware of me or anything.  She wanted me to know that so that I could say my goodbyes to him while he was still able to hear me.

The only guilt I've ever felt was thinking I waited too long to release my babies to their Maker.  Even though we consciously know they will never get better, are in pain and will be in increasingly worse pain, it is so hard to let go.  But even though it wrenches our hearts and souls, in the end we love them and will do anything to help them and take the pain away, even though the pain for us to lose them is unbearable.  In a moment of clarity, I realized I could not let my Herbie or my sweet girl Belle suffer one minute longer (after days and in Belle's case several weeks of what I now realize was their slow deaths already happening before my eyes.)

I have yet to read a story on this site where it seemed that someone had their much-loved pet put to sleep too early or unnecessarily. 

Herbie and Belle's Mom
kittiekat

Registered:
Posts: 215
 #14 
Choochoo, Carewolf and Herbies mom,  Thank you for your thoughts.  Carewolf, the picture of the stream was beautiful and comforting...thank you!
aurichwolf

Registered:
Posts: 555
 #15 

 

 
Dear Kittiekat,
 
From your posts you sound like a very loving caring person and I know your baby had a wonderful life with you.
You took such good care of Smokey.
You chose the best vet you could find in your area and trusted that vet to help Smokey and in the final analysis that s the very best thing any of us can do for our pets.
We simply have to trust a vet who has seen our pets and put their hands on them and read the test results to tell us what is best.
It's fine to research information on a diagnosis our vet gives us but we should never take advise from anyone who has not seen our pets and read all of the test results because they do not have first hand information and we also have no way of knowing their credentials.
Any professional veterinarian or vet tech will tell people that they must seek the advise of their own vet because for them to give advise without seeing the pet is unprofessional and can be dangerous.
 
You asked the following question.
("How can I know that my Smokey was lovingly PTS and didn't suffer?????")
Your question deserves an answer.

 
You were right there with him and you saw him relax  and at that moment he was at peace.
To insert the catheter they must find a vein but once the sedation has taken effect they do not feel the catheter going in no matter how many times they had to poke to find one.
It looked awful to you because he is your baby and we all feel that way but you have to know that he did not feel those jabs at that time.
Most good vets give the sedation prior to the final drug for just that reason.
By doing so our babies relax and go to sleep peacefully
He was all ready dreaming of the journey he would take in a few moments and yet still hearing your thoughts and words of love.
Those he took with him on his journey and he will treasure them in his little heart forever and one day more.
 
My dear friend let me tell you that what you did was make a very courageous unselfish decision to let Smokey run on ahead to Rainbow Bridge where he will never need to be poked with a needle again and will have no more vet visits to deal with.
He is young and healthy and running free with all the other fur babies.
One day he will run to your waiting arms and you will never be apart again.
Till that day comes he would want you only to know that your love made his life worth living and your final gift gave him the freedom to run free in the most beautiful place we could ever imagine.
Never doubt your decision was the right one for it was made out of love and what we do out of love can never be wrong.
 
May the love you share with Smokey and the wonderful memories of your life together help your aching heart to heal and calm your fears.
Smokey is looking down on you always and watching over you and one day he will shower you with kitty kisses.
 
Love and Peace,
AurichWolf
Kathy
 

 

GIFTS OF LOVE

 

 Though you will miss me always

I'm sending gifts with love.

I 'll send to you bright sunshine

With rainbows from above.

 

My heart is always singing

Sweet songs that fill the air.

I send them on the wind for you

So you will feel me there.

 

 

You'll feel me in the raindrops

That gently touch your face.

And know that I'll be waiting

in a special place.

 

Together we shared a lifetime

of love and memories.

I'll whisper all about them

When I send a gentle breeze.

 

We have a future waiting

Beyond the clouds above.

Till it's time for you to join me.

I send you all my love.

 

  ©~ AurichWolf aka Katie~2008~

 
 
 
 
kittiekat

Registered:
Posts: 215
 #16 
Kathy (aurichwolf),

Your words have provided me with comfort beyond measure.  Thank you.  As I look back at that moment and wonder, did I hold him enough, did I say I love you enough, or was I so caught up in my being distraught that I didn't provide him enough comfort?  I do remember after one of the I love yous, the vet softly saying he knows you do.  I remember holding Smokey in my arms as the vet worked to secure the veins and and get the meds in.  After two attempts I finally had to put Smokey on the table.  At that point I went to his head and caressed him and comforted him.  As I drove Smokey the 45 minutes to the funeral home, I kept one hand on his head so that I always had contact with him through the entire trip. 

I wish my other vet would had give my Samantha a sedative.  I was not able to hold her like I did Smokey.  But I loved on her plenty and whispered to her.  And drove her to the funeral home in the same manner.   

Again, thank you for your words of comfort.  They mean so much.

Marsha
Kittiekat
aurichwolf

Registered:
Posts: 555
 #17 
Dear Marsha,
 
I am so glad if anything I said was of comfort to you.
I believe that our fur angels guide us all here so that as they play happily at Rainbow bridge they know we will all be here for each other.
We hold out our hands to each other and pour out our hearts knowing that there is someone there who knows exactly how we feel and will never judge  us but will be here to give comfort and support and most of all love.
 
I am so glad that you remembered what your vet said during such a traumatic time because the vet was right.
Your baby always felt your love through your loving touch and heard your every word because your souls are connected and  he still feels it as he watches over you from Rainbow Bridge.
 
We have all been so blessed to have our furry babies in our lives and blessed even further to now have fur angels to watch over us.
 
Love and peace,
AurichWolf
Kathy
Loudpurring

Registered:
Posts: 774
 #18 
Hi KittieKat;
 
Sorry it took me so long to post back. My own private hell going on here.Anyway......
 
You did not cause Smokey's ailments. It is unfortunately fate. Due to some genetics or whatever, things you can not control, Smokey had many physical serious diseases. Renal failure by itself is a life threatening terminal disease. There is no cure, no matter what Vet you see, or what treatment you do. All you can do is try to prolong their life and keep the quality of life good, or at least tollerable. There is no cure. When you combine that with other issues such as the diabetes, also incurable. You can hope at best to achiev remmision from the disease, but it is always there. Many  cats can live happy realitively healthy lives with insulin and close monitoring, but that is if they only have diabetes. Some cats never get regulated properly. Mostly due to not being reffered to a specialist (just my opinion). And if you throw auto immune mediated disease complexes on top of that ......Well when you get into the auto immune stuff (for lack of a better word) You are talking diseases or complexes that are hardly understood by anyone really. Alot of opinions, but who really nows the why's when the body turns on itself. Then on top of all this you have bad circulatin, so I would assume a bad heart somewhere in the mix of things. Well now you are talking about ......The treatment for kidney disease, note I said treatment not cure, is fluids to flush the kidneys out. OK with a bad heart or heart disease, you can so quickly overload them with fluids that they will go into congestive heart failure. The tratments for most heart diseases are drugs that are bad for the kidneys. The treatment for the kidneys are bad for the hearn and you had immune issues and a diabetic Kitty too.
 
I am not trying to be clinical (no real fear of that the way I talk,write) but I want you to understand there was no way for Smokey to continue a happy healthy life. It is so sad and it happens so much, all the time to Kittys that people love and wonderful Kitties and it is so unfair. And it is so wrong I know. It is unfortunately the way life is and it isn't fair and it is so wrong and it is so not you fault. Please believe me I wouldn't lie and I think you must know in your heart that there was nothing you could do. No amount of money, or great veterinary care or anything was or could have saved him from death. But in a way he was saved, just not for this earth in the way you knew him. You see everyone has ideas on what happens when they go. Nobody knows for sure, but .......there has to be something because it is far to painful to think that there is not. And to many things from people far away that have never met. To many stories are the same as for the weeks after their loved ones have left. So I don't know.
 
Please try to enjoy the time you have with the kitty you saved. You can do no greater honor to a departed cat than to love another cat. Wait and see, some of Smokey's spirit will show in the other Kitty. Cats have such a greater understanding and awareness of things we will never come close to even noticing. They are so muh more advanced than we are in some ways. Just keep your mind open and love the Kitty you rescued. She deserves it. So do you.
kittiekat

Registered:
Posts: 215
 #19 
Loudpurring/all,

Thank you thank you.  You have added more comfort to me.  I was questioning myself again today....did I give up too soon?  But towards the end, each time we went to the vet or I had to force pills and liquid into Smokey, I asked myself.....why am I doing this to my boy????   Seeing all of your posts and looking at the medical conditions Loudpurring describes from a different perspective, it all helps.

Twiggy (heaven sent) and I are still rattling around the house, but trying to get into our own little routine.  She is a cutie.  She keeps looking for Smokey.  Not so sure it's b/c she misses him......they were cautiously aware of one another.  I say that in a loving way!

Thank you so much all!

Kittiekat
Nuggetsmum

Registered:
Posts: 251
 #20 
Oh Marsha,

I am so sorry for your loss and for your grief over reliving everything over and over...I cried and cried as I read your post as it bought back so many bad memories over my Nugget's experience...Nugget was fighting it the whole time, barking and crying, and they didn't sedate him so he only calmed down once he had passed...7 months on I still have nightmares about this and I cry uncontrollably.

I am not trying to upset you Marsha, in fact I am trying to comfort you. Take comfort knowing that your baby was sedated and happy. I have no doubt about that at all...

Please lean on us in this difficult time...you can email me at nuggetragen@hotmail.com if you want to...I know how you are feeling and I am sorry you have to go through this.

A big cuddle to you,

Nuggetsmum Alana
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