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Posts: 2

Last year 1 week before Christmas I lost my old girl Lucy @ age 19. I knew her time was coming but it didn’t make it any easier. She wasn’t a Pitbull but she was a great dog. Her only fault was she would steal bread off the counter and would hide it for later. Any other dog would eat the whole loaf, not her, I would find moldy loaves in the best places.

Then this year on the same day as I lost Lucy, I lost Keeper. He was a sickly dog from the beginning. I knew everyday was a blessing. More than once the vet would tell me he would make it long and yet he lived 5 and a half years. But on the same day a year later, it was almost too much to bear.

Then today I had to put my best dog down. My therapy dog, agility dog, my best friend in the whole world. He was my everything. My heart dog. My no leash, loved everybody, and every animal dog. He would let baby chicks and duck hop and peck all over him and never move. A dog that would even say “Mama” when you asked him who do you love? 
And to make a even worse decision even harder my vet office, yelled at me when I called to schedule his euthanasia because I wanted to preserve his DNA. My father passed 2 years ago and had already paid for it before he died. I didn’t know until I read the will. One day he asked me what I wanted more than anything in the world. And I told him I would love to clone Punkin Doodle. 
One of the tech picked up the phone and told me I was crazy(not that I didn’t already know that) and to “stop this crazy $#@!” I quote her. She told me to take care of the dogs I have. I understand some may not agree with cloning, and everyone is entitled to their opinions. But the way she talked to office that I have used for over 10 years. Instead I had to go to a strange vet to have my best friend put down so I could get the sample. I feel let down by people who I thought cared. I hung up the phone and I won’t go back there. She was arguing with me telling me that it was crap that they only do it in China. How dare she on the day I have to let him go....where is the compassion?

Then to top it off my boy was my husbands service dog too. He is in a wheelchair and has PTSD. So he can get upset and very angry. And our dog always calmed him down, but he isn’t here. And my husband has said some awful things after we got home including telling me it was fault. Now my brain is racing questioning myself. You know if I died today no one would notice or care if I wasn’t here. I have no family, and my husband told me to kill myself so why not? I can go be with my lost animals, my dad, my best friend from school who was murdered. I wouldn’t have to feel pain and that is all I feel right now on top of being alone


Posts: 2
I hear you.  I'm in that place but not quite as deep.  I'm still grieving over my best friend Buddy, and I'm married to a 70 y/o going on 2 y/o man.  No friends or family to talk to either.  Though I've never used them (I've came close), please consider calling the suicide hotline,  1-800-273-8255.

Posts: 3
What a beautiful gesture from your father. Sounds like he really wanted you to have what you wanted most, that's just so touching.

What a shame that the vet tech acted so badly and uncompassionately. What you do with your dog's DNA sample is none of her business.

I'm so sorry that your husband's grieving seems to be coming out so harshly while you're also grieving, that sounds almost unbearable. I hope you find a way to give yourself some good quality self care, whatever that looks like for you.

It sounds like you had some really special and well loved doggos in your life and they loved you in return. Happy to hear you had so much love in your life with them. I imagine they would want you to live a long happy life, just like you wanted for them.

Would you consider not doing anything hasty and giving yourself a bit of time and patience to process this tremendous loss? Sending good and peaceful thoughts your way. Thank you for being such a caring pet parent to your doggos, it meant the world to them.

Posts: 2
First....I'm sorry for ALL of Your Losses...That pain that dwells deep in the heart and tummy doesn't go away.  At least, not since the 5th.  It hurts everyday, I stay awake so I don't wake to an empty house, but then my husband comes home and i have to "be normal" he doesn't feel the same kind of pain.  He sleeps like a baby, and when i do get a chance to sleep, it's in sweat and night terrors.  Trigger was my best friend in the whole wide world. It fucing suxthat i have to hide my pain from my husband because i don't want him to think i'm a pussy because our baby passed away.  our baby???  MY BEST FRIEND!  Heart attack and the mutha fuka could barely pick her up when she was having one, i decided to brush my teeth...what the fuk is wrong with me.  I decided to brush my teeth before i got to the vet.  Ugh.  Trigger picked us at 8 weeks old, i had a little chit chat with the owner and we decided on 12 weeks, as we still had another Rottie, Roxy...ima have to finish this another time.  Just know, that I'm feeling what yous are.  Lost, NOT grounded, nothing really to live for, fu, Trigger is gone now,  I can take one of my HD's and haul ass, break my neck have everything go away, except for my Mom...She lost her son in .02, if she lost me, would it push her over the edge, ppl say, "What over a dog" Trigger wasn't just a dog.  She was my best friend....i'll have to finish this maybe another time.  Or not. But know that pain in your heart and tummy and head don't go away so far....BUT, I do and have been going on for the last couple of days.  My so called friends have seen me outside, asking stupid questions, "Where's Trig?" I never went any where without here, we live in South Philly. Fck i have to go i can't keep typing like this, i hope this isn't shared.  I'm not a coward, but i felt this at this moment, this here is where i should post.  Sorry.

Posts: 21
I am sorry for your loss. My little dog went to heaven on New Year's Eve. I get how you are feeling..I have to hid my pain from my wife. she doesn't get it. So I sit at work and cry hiding behind a computer screen or cry walking into where I work. People I work with don't know what to say but they give me my alone time. There are so many things you are probably feeling and thinking. I am here to tell you, that you are not alone. Yes I know we all hear that but I can tell you that being on these sites and talking about how much you hurt to others helps. It just takes time and tears. Our pets are our babies, our best friends. My little peanut was both and I get how you feel about waking up to empty house. Peanut would sleep on a pillow between my wife and I every night. So every morning I see that empty spot on the bed and I start to cry.

Posts: 2
Im sorry that you're grieving on your own, the pain is real, I feel the same when I lost my little brother. I sit at home don't answer the door, don't answer my and don't say but barely two words to my husband when he gets home from work. I can't get rid of her food yet, I know she's not coming back, but I'm afraid if I do it will become for real. Plz, if you want to talk more, you can always write me back.

Posts: 2
I can’t do the dishes, because his bowl is in the strainer and when I went to even touch it I ended up on the floor in tears.

Nothing better than being blamed for his death. 

Posts: 17
You don’t have to clear out any of Lucy’s stuff. Don’t make any major life decisions right now either. Just let yourself feel your emotions. At the same time, it’s sometimes good to distract yourself with some activity so you’re not constantly thinking and feeing sad.
My wife said I need to “move on already—it’s been over a month” f-that. I’ll take as long as I need, and you deserve to do the same.
I didn’t know cloning could happen but if i had known and had the $ I might have done the same thing you did. Lol
Talk about crazy...I wanted to go to look for my dog Hank’s corpse. Seriously. I made the stupid decision not to have him cremated and not to bury at home. The vet said they would “take good care of him” and they treat the bodies respectfully but they end up in the landfill I think. I straight up wanted to go looking for him. I haven’t done it (yet). ;-)
So in short, you hang in there and I say Fvck that b-yotch for telling you anything about wanting to clone your dog. Your business is your business.

Posts: 640
First of all, I am very sorry for your multiple losses. I too suffered multiple pet losses in very close proximity and was suicidal. 
I don't use that word lightly either. I was very suicidal. The future to me was a long road of hell and torment that I did not see coming to 
an end. Rather than live like that, I would rather be dead. And I meant it. I lost 2 of my 3 pets and both of my parents in 18 months. A year and a half later while I was still in recovery from all of that, my last pet, my best girl Emerald died. So I know what it means to lose everyone, everything. But if you keep reading here, you will see that others do as well.

I feel it is imperative that you contact either the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255 and or contact a therapist immediately. If none of those are possible, go the nearest emergency room.

For everyone you have lost it is understandable that you don't want to live. I have no problem understanding that at all. My only
concern is if you took your life, you may later regret it. Better to get "all the help you can" and see if things improve. Right now
you don't know if they will. On your own steam they aren't going to, but reaching out to others for help may surprise you.

I was truly at wits end and it was not a joke. I was not kidding and I was not tossing words around. I really was suicidal.

I did all the things I have suggested to you and I also used the pet loss hotlines which are listed on this page. But here is the link just the same: (The calls are free).

And of course you are free to post here as often as you need. Every day or more than once a day if you need to. I am here also.

Your feelings tell you that no one could  possibly feel how you do and therefore no one would understand how you feel.  I understand that. I get it. You also may feel that no one could possibly help you because what you want is for your pets to be back with you and no one can do that. Imagine someone falling into a huge fire. They come out and their body is burned 100%. The pain is unbearable and they want to die. The truth is no one can help that person have the body they had before the fire, but they can help them through the recovery process. And the same with you. This is something you can recover from and there is help available.

If you are too weak to look for help, I will help you find it. Reach out to me.

And by the way, that vet tech was out of her mind and should never have spoken to you that way. Someday you can come up with a plan on how to handle that in a way that impacts her. Such as reporting her to the vet who owns the practice or the state licensing board for vet techs. I think cloning is great. 

I am really pulling for you. 

- Stephanie

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