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whiskeysmom

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Posts: 51
 #41 
I, too, lost my cat to cancer, and it was fast..started showing signs of nasal cancer in late September but of course, they at first treat everything as something that's NOT serious..antibiotics made him better for a month, then it started spreading and he got a lump in his head, which the vet biopsied and discovered was fibrosarcoma.

He had some good and some really bad days until the tumor started making it hard for him to breathe, so I had him euthanized on Dec. 11. It is still killing me. I know what you mean, highteandespresso, about feeling "haunted."
cvduuren

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Posts: 1
 #42 
I feel like this every day for the past year.  I lost my one girl in February last year and my other girl a year ago today. They both died 2 weeks apart and very suddenly.  My heart is shattered.  I cry every day non stop.  I do not have close family or friends who I can talk to.  Suffering from severe chronic depression and now the loss of my girls, made everything worse.  I do not have hope left and every day is agony.  I even made sure my will is in order.  I honestly would rather be with them than living in misery every day.  I have other doggies, but I cannot handle loss.  As horrible as it might sound to some people.  I put in my will that should I die, my doggies are to be euthenased and cremated.  I know I am supposed to be there for my other babies, and I am.  But this heartache is eating me up and the suffering is neverending.  I am seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist, but nothing is taking this pain away.  Living has no meaning for me.  That I am still here today is nothing but a miracle.  But I am hanging by a thread.  I just want to be with my girls so much.
Vesna

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Posts: 1
 #43 
On 10 April I lost my Roki. Evil sneak me  behind my back, and from healthy cheerful dog remained crippled executed operation and he died at the hands of 10 April. Nothing can take away the pain so I miss  my baby boy he was my world. I only wish we are together again.
Nefret999

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Posts: 154
 #44 
I would be lying if I said I didn't consider it in regards to the recent loss of my boy.

I have never ever ever in my entire life contemplated suicide. Until now. Not as an overwhelming compulsion, but as an actual option.

I must say that this was when my feelings of guilt were at their highest. I didn't think that I could live the rest of my life with the guilt I was laying on myself.

However, I have talked myself down off of that (literal and figurative) edge. I cannot blame myself for what happened when I really have *no idea* what happened? So why should I lay guilt on myself if I am not for certain that I should? It is pointless, destructive and useless.

But, like I said...I would be lying if I said I didn't at least consider suicide in the last month. More like recognizing that it was an option, really.
ILoveYouBitty

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Posts: 119
 #45 
Don't do anything without giving 1 or more people here the chance to talk you out of it.  Suicide is forever.  It's a decision you can't change later.  God bless you.
Vesna

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Posts: 1
 #46 
Beside him everything was different, my pain is so strong .I  missing hem so much  I'd do anything to get back together with him.
Boys_mom

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Posts: 182
 #47 
Dearest Vesna,

I am sorry you are hurting so much. I wish there was something I could say to help reduce the horrible pain. Like you, I seriously considered hurting myself. Please call a suicide hotline if you need to. Also, please think about talking to a counselor. Some counselors specialize in pet grief and can be very compassionate. I will be thinking about you.

Wishing you peace, comfort, and strength,
Boys_mom
CRS

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #48 
I've also been struggling with this. If you click on my handle ("CRS") you can find a thread I (re)started about self-blame/guilt over the death of our animal friends.

I'm pretty early on in this. Patches died a little under 2 months ago. I blame myself because she needed me (chocolate poisoning, which I knew was poisonous) and I delayed professional care until it was too late. I was scared and broke, and I read (what turned out to be) bad advice on the internet, hoping she could clear, and to do other things to solve it at home. I increased her suffering by following that bad advice.

Patches had come into my life approximately 8 years earlier, and saved me from as close to suicide as I've ever been. Having struggled with depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues over the preceding year and a half, I was not thinking with my right mind then. I had convinced myself, at the time, that my family would be sad, but that they would understand why I had opted for suicide. They would understand. This isn't true or reasonable, of course, but it was what I had truly convinced myself of, at the time.

What I could not convince myself of is that my dogs would understand. I thought they'd be scared and confused, and who knew how long it would be before we were all found?

So, I didn't do it.

The things that were bothering me receded into the background. I made healthier choices, and became occupied with my dogs. We were all very happy.

Now, however, Patches has died. Buddy, the other dog, died years ago, after being shot by a neighbor while trespassing. (That was in 2011. I only found, within the last year, that I was able to talk about this without getting choking up. I was able to live normally, but talking about it at all got me to the point of choking up, as if to cry, only a year ago).

On top of so many things, (experiencing guilt, regret, and sorrow) I think about how she saved my life, just by being there and by being who and what God made her to be, but I didn't do the same for either of them (in both cases, in part, because I was scared).

She suffered and died and it didn't have to be that way.

So, now, because of this mental/emotional anguish, suicidal ideations have returned. I still feel that I'm at the point where they're not actionable. The part that worries me, is I see how ideations become actionable over time, as a person's inner resources deplete, or are suddenly reduced through some new/additional crisis (actual or perceived).

I'm hoping the grave is not the end of her. It really distresses me when I consider the opinions of those who say it may. I pray for her, fervently. I pray for my other animal friends. I find that my prayers for Patches are more fervent, I think, because she just recently died, and because of my hand in her suffering and death. Also, because of our history (that she lived with me for either longer or in closer quarters, or both. I still love my other dogs and animal friends, though).

I think to myself, if I have any hope of seeing her again, and being with her (in paradise, as paradise), I have to live: suicide is out.

Also, I think to myself that she saved me from suicide, so I can't do or allow myself that.

Also, I'm not that far gone (yet, and I hope ever).

I do experience distressing suicidal ideations, but I'm not ready to act on them (and hope I don't).

I do want to be with her again. Forever.

I just want to be with her again in a safe place where nothing separates us again, where we can enjoy our love.

It's a struggle, though (already), because when I'm in the midst of these despairing thoughts and feelings, it's just harder to think healthfully. The emotion and experience of it causes the horizon to contract.

I got a phone with an unlimited minutes plan recently, in case I need to call a suicide prevention hotline, and I have a therapist, with whom I've begun to discuss this issue (among others) of suicide. I am trying.

I want to be well. I don't want to live in misery. I don't know how I'm going to do that, right now, since I struggle with and experience so much guilt and regret. I hurt, as anyone would, but I also hurt with sorrow because from these.
Juju_L

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Posts: 3
 #49 
I felt the same way, Just I was to sad to do anything. I have A.D.H.D and F.A.S witch comes with extreme anxiety. I scratched so much at my fingers then I have ever. I had cried all nigh to all day. But It WILL get better because you gave that pet (aka family member) the best life it could have had. And life comes with hard dissensions that we have to make. We all feel the sadness when a loved one passes, we all feel the hate for ourselves. But day by day give it time, it'll get better. I am still healing. But it'll never go away that feeling of sadness. Some days will be harder then others, but trust me... You will be alright :) 

"Though they may leave this world, they will never leave our hearts"
   
lisapo

Registered:
Posts: 43
 #50 
Like someone said earlier in this thread "if there was an easy way like just taking a pill" I wouldn't be here.  I couldn't sleep, didn't want to be awake and deal with all the pain, it was hard.  I knew I needed time but I just didn't know how to deal with the pain for 1 minute! But it is now 9 years later and yes I cried today reading my old posts but I am so much better.  Someone said also they went on antidepressants 4 weeks later, I was prescribed Zanax.  I felt like I went from a confident middle aged woman with a successful job to someone who was over the edge!!  All I can say is it DOES get better and just think about what you would do to your family if you did kill yourself.  I know I didn't want to hear this 9 years ago but it ts the truth!!
CRS

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #51 
Juju,

Thank you for your response.

I'm still struggling with the guilt and the loss.

I think I did give her a good life. One acquaintance wrote that I had treated her better than any pup she had ever known. Another wrote that I was a good "dad."

Neither of them, know, however, the circumstances of Patches's death.

One friend, who does know, wrote (something to the effect) that she could tell from the pictures I had shared to my page that she could tell Patches had a good life.

She may have written other encouraging/validating things. I'd have to go back and look.

I think I''m also responsible for her suffering, that it was prolonged, and her death. That's the problem (for me) right now. It was all so needless. Patches didn't have to die as she did.

I'm having problems living with the sadness, the guilt, and with myself.

I miss my friend. I love her very much. I pray, so very often, to be with her. I want it to be the right way, though, and not through suicide (even though I've thought about it a lot, recently). I want to be with my friend (and my other animal friends), and I want nothing to ever separate us ever again.

I love you Patches!



CRS

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #52 
Lisapo,

I hope you see this before another 9 years.

I was tempted (several years ago) with suicide. I thought my family would understand. That's the deceptive thing with suicide. A brain doesn't perceive or reason the same way depressed as when healthy. Despair is being driven.

God allowed two wonderful dogs to help me through that, and they did just by being there and being who and what God made them to be. I love them very much, and I hope we will all be together again in Heaven. It was a struggle, but when I looked at them (still struggling), I realized that even if I thought my family would understand, Patches and Buddy would not. I thought they would be scared and confused. I loved them, and that darkness receded. I want to be with them (and my other animal friends) again.

Partial2Hounds

Registered:
Posts: 279
 #53 
Jumping in this thread really late ---

I am struggling with depression right now, but it has nothing to do with my beloved pets that I have lost. It is for other reasons (miscarriage, guilt, regret, etc.). I don't know what it is that is keeping me moving right now, but if any of you find yourself in a suicidal situation, please get help! Life should not be about pain and regret. Live your life, do the best you can whenever you can, and then hopefully find the peace and grace to acknowledge you did your best and move on. This is a lesson I am struggling with everyday.

Hang in there! Live your life as a tribute to the things you love and have loved! Peace and blessing to you all!


-- Partial2Hounds
CRS

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #54 
Partial 2 Hounds,

I am. I'm religious, so please understand my reply in that context.

I'm trying to live a repentant life, which for me, is a tribute to my friend Patches. Maybe, this is a wrong view, since it might be true that we should repent of our sins with an aim towards God (with the understanding that God is first).

God is first. Patches isn't God, but it's not too difficult to imagine a similar scenario where someone who has struggled with some personal vice for years is suddenly struck by tragedy (in one form or another) and, as a response, repents.

I've started carrying a phone with a (monthly) unlimited minutes plan to it. If I need to call a crisis line, it's there. I've also sought the help of social workers, a therapist, a psychiatrist, and my parish priest. I've told them all about (the return of) my suicidal ideations, which scare/concern me, because I remember (from previous experience) how it was for me, and I never want to be even that close again. The suicidal ideations have not absolutely/entirely passed, but the persistent, pressuring suggestions (as I have experienced them) have.

It has been hard for me to accept that I did my best (by Patches). People have told me this, however (that I did the best I could do with what I had and what I knew at the time. Something to that effect). I have struggled with the guilt and regret of having not done better. I notice I don't as much, lately, but it doesn't seem to take much to remind me. I look at it and think I could have done more. It was really just as simple as taking her to the vet. Instead, she died, after days of misery. It was my fault. I return to that. On top of not taking her to the vet, the advice I interpreted and followed from internet pages increased her suffering over the course of those days. It was an incredibly stupid thing I did, and it cost her her life. What do I do with that? The question I keep returning to is, since I haven't died, how do I live with this?




Partial2Hounds

Registered:
Posts: 279
 #55 
CRS, I wish I could be there to hug you. Seriously. I read such anguish in your comments, and the comments of others. I am beginning to realize that life really is all about how to cope with loss. And your question, "how do I live with this?" hits close to home.

I was raised in a religious household, but I've not been going to church for many years. On the request of my elderly father, I have begun reading the Bible again, a little each day, based on the chapters and verses he wanted me to read. I'm also considering going to a little church down the road from me that does some ministry I am interested in learning more about -- i.e., supporting a local elementary school and teaching young children to read. My issues right now apparently spring from unresolved feelings over a miscarriage I had seven years ago. It is very important to me to get involved in the lives of children at this point in my life since I don't have any of my own and never will. THAT is a monstrous feeling to try to over come.

I'm not writing this to tell you what to do. I think it is very apparent that you loved your animals. And I'll flat out say it, the human condition sometimes sucks out loud. We don't get the benefit of foresight when we make our decisions. How different life would be if we could see the outcomes of our decisions. I am learning that everyday. I've generally been happy with the choices I've made, but we waited a long time to try to have children (for various reasons) and now it's too late.

So, what can we do when we are faced with crushing loss and regret? The only cure I know is to get busy. Talk therapy, medication, religion, etc can all help with the depression. But for me, the only way to get any perspective on anything is to look at it from a new direction. I want to have children in my life in some way. So, I am considering mentoring and teaching them to read and being a positive role model, if I can and it's God's will. I have made such a mess of things, I am turning it over to God and asking him to guide my path.

I would only suggest to you that maybe you look at getting involved with animals in some kind of way. Maybe volunteer at a shelter or rescue. Learn how to become a vet tech. When you are actively involved day to day in helping animals, you may not feel as hopeless about your situation.

I wish you blessings and peace in your heart. If you would like to send me a private message, please feel free. I would love to keep chatting.

Best wishes,
Partial2Hounds
CRS

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #56 
I have attempted to write this reply a number of times. I apologize for this.

Thank you for your kindness. I fought back tears when I began reading your reply, because I was at work at the time.

I am very sorry for your loss.

I still don't know what to say now, but I feel I need to reply.

Thank you.

Guilt and fear have kept me from volunteering. Likewise, with the notion of becoming a vet tech. I think the people who work at the veterinary clinic would always see me as that guy who killed his dog (through neglect). It would probably seem strange to them, too, that her death came about as it did.

Before that, Patches probably had a little bit of celebrity as an elderly and spirited dog, who others thought wouldn't of hung in that long or that well after a CHF diagnosis. I think they probably knew I was struggling to maintain her, financially, but that I loved her. We were together.

****

I don't know how to reconcile myself to her death, as it happened (with my role in it). That, or her suffering (which I haven't detailed here, but it was bad). That's what makes it difficult for me, and I think it's then no wonder I thought (and have had thoughts) of escape.

In one way, I need to be busy; it would do me well, financially, to work more hours.

In another way, I see this as courting workaholism.

I think if I were to try to busy myself with work, those emotions, thoughts, and feelings would still be there (either constantly playing in the background, or as soon as I stopped working so much).


lighthouse

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #57 
I will be honest, I read a few of these posts, but I just wanted to 'talk'.

My father passed away on March 30th this year. He was my hero my whole life. Always the topic of those "write a paper about someone inspiring" sort of assignments for school. The rock for my family, working more than 60 hours a week for most of the years I was alive, holding two jobs when I was in middle school and high school. Just an amazing guy. Never asked for anything. "What can we get you for your birthday, Dad?" "Just love your Mom."

And I have been grappling with that for months. It was unexpected, but not completely out of left field as we were aware he had a heart problem, but the doctors said 95% of patients who underwent the pacemaker operation they intended to do on him two weeks after the date he passed away had no issue and fatalities were incredibly rare. He just didn't make it that long.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar and have anxiety issues already. I have a really hard time connecting with people and keeping them in my life, and the ones who I let in are super important to me. I had suicidal episodes before Dad passed related just to my own mental health.

Now fast forward to August 28th. My dog's mass was removed from his mouth and diagnosed as oral melanoma. He has a few months to live because I can't afford 6k in surgery and radiation to extend his life to "maybe a year" and don't know if I would do it even if I could since he'd likely be uncomfortable during that time.

This is killing me. Before he was my dog he was my dad's. Mom and Dad picked him because he was a standard poodle and Mom thought as a bigger dog (their last two had been miniatures) she'd be less likely to stumble on him. Dad took care of him. Dad played fetch with him and fed him and held him while they were watching movies in the living room. Ironically they chose the name Shadow for him because it was my camp name from being a girl scout counselor... And it was so cool to me that this awesome standard poodle had been named after me and was super close to my dad like I was...

And since Dad worked so much he decided they just didn't have the time to give him, so he offered to let me have him... This because the dog had bonded with me second most because I was the first person to let him sleep in my room with me before Mom and Dad were sure if he was fully housebroken.

In my mind I inherited him from my dad... And for 9 and a half years he has been my dog, who always sits with Dad when we visit home and plays fetch with him and lays down at the foot of his chair even now that he's gone, but who always got up to follow me out of the room if I left for any reason. And it's like losing another part of my dad in addition to my best friend.

I cannot say how many times I've thought about just ending it for both of us so I don't have to survive losing him and he doesn't have to suffer. I've done so much research, I have a clear plan of how I'd do this in a fairly peaceful way for both of us. 

What stops me is not wanting to hurt my family (mother, sisters, husband. I have no kids aside from my pup.) But the thoughts are always there. Especially when he's coughing and I hear how rattly it is or he has trouble getting comfortable. Those moments are in the minority now. Usually he can lay comfortably and usually he's still up to playing fetch, but for how much longer? And if it hurts this much now, how am I going to deal with the pain of actually losing him?

I know I shouldn't dwell on it, and I don't let myself a lot of the time, but when he's coughing it's impossible to chase the thoughts from my mind. At least I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.
Boys_mom

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Posts: 182
 #58 
Dear lighthouse,

I hope you are doing okay. Is there some kind of medication management available to keep your dog comfortable. Please take care of yourself and your dear companion.

Boys_mom
lighthouse

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #59 
Hi Boys_mom,

Thank you. We are as alright as we can be. He is on medications for the pain, but really I think he has days or maybe weeks now rather than months... This because his tumor grew right where his jaw connects and so it was up between his teeth when we had it removed. It is already growing back with a vengeance and I just can't imagine letting him live through days of chewing on that growth.

As I said in my last post, I just needed to talk, to actually write out and 'say' what I was going through. I have thought about taking us both out of our respective pain, but I won't act on those thoughts. He is my best friend, and it is like losing another part of my dad, but I know suicide isn't the answer even if it would stop the pain.

The idea is there, and knowing that I'm not the only one who thinks about it is very helpful.

I didn't say this before because I was a total wreck when I posted, feeling utterly overwhelmed and powerless, but my sympathies to all of the rest of you who have lost your little (and big) loved ones. Shadow will be my second loss as far as pets go, my first having been my horse, Another Prince. That was rough, and this will be too, but in the end I just know I'll get through day by day until the pain of losing him is overshadowed by all of our wonderful memories. I wish the same for the rest of you.
Atlaslucky84

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #60 
I was looking online to see if anybody have similar emotions when they lost their beloved 4 legged family member... I am at the verge where I am getting pushed over the edge... I don't want to continue living because my beloved Atlas died suddenly. Unexpected from be sick for past few weeks. I m taking his death very hard. My heart is broken in million pieces. I don't know if I want to live without him. Atlas was my rock and huge companion. He was my furkid and I feel so guilty about his death.

I feel like I killed him.. I just want to die.. I m go to call for counseling now. I m so mad and sad about this sudden death.
CRS

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #61 
AtlasLucky84/Elizabeth,

Atlas and you are in my prayers. I'm so sorry this has happened.

If you can, and if you think it may help, keep Sugar with you.

Do you use or require a TTY/TDD system to send/receive telephone calls?

CRS/Christopher

Baileybutt

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #62 
Atlaslucky84/Elizabeth

I have had similar feelings. My 13 1/2 year old, beautiful sentient, child pup, died 2 days ago. I wrote about it yesterday under heartbroken(username Bailey butt).Bailey butt was a nickname for our pup, because he loved to be smacked on his butt. We were together always. He went on most of our vacations too,so I have rarely been without him.I am lost and in shock. I understand how you feel. I am listening to people and taking it one day at a time, hoping it is going to get better. Please don't do anything to harm yourself. This is not what our baby's want for us.
Atlaslucky84

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #63 
CRS Christopher,

I am actually actively seeking the counseling. It is hard to find one. I am from central east Illinois. I use Videophone over try/tdd.... it is much easier to signing over typing. Bit more natural to signing than typing.

Hugs. I kept repeating tell myself that I cannot live without him.. my heart dropped each time I have wake up because my brain kept thinking that he is still laying there.

Later today I have to call hospital to talk about what to do with my baby's remains. That will be so so hard...
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