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Fensmom

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Posts: 24
 #1 
Last Friday I surrendered Fenway to the local Humane Society. He is a Blue Heeler and they agreed to finish coordinating his rescue to that specific group. Since then. Communication has been minimal and pretty hurtful when there has been.
This was not a sudden decision, I have struggled with this for quite sometime now. I’ll try and be short.
Fen was and is my best friend. He will be 3 in January. He has been there for me for everything and I feel I’ve failed him. I have. They told me yesterday he hadn’t ate. That was 6 days.
Before getting Fen from the breeder. I researched. I did what I feel I should. Circumstances changed. I found myself with someone who was teaching him to “ sick “ etc. to a young boy etc. ; was also becoming ahusive. I left that person within a month. I thought removing us from there early. He would be ok. I was single for a short period and met someone and life went on. So Fen was still little. We are still together and engaged to marry.
From the get go, Fen was I guess jealous of my fiancé as I clearly was his “ person” and didn’t want it any other way.
Before I go further I want to speak about Fens demeanor/ ten permanent 80% of the time. Always happy, smiling, jumping, playing, running. Beautiful.
Now to what happened.
My fiancé and I maybe are odd. Idk. We slow dance in the kitchen sometimes or on our front porch. That’s when things changed. Fen would bark and bark and bark until we stopped. If we didn’t. He would bite my fiancé’s front thigh almost every time. We would both react the best we knew how. Not mean. But firm. Made no difference. Even after all this time. Food/Toy aggressions with our small dog. This became awful. One time we had to remove our small dogs head from fens mouth. It was not good. This war went on until I had to keep them consistently apart. Sad for my little guy. Many occasions of dog fights. 2 small children were ankle bitten. Fen was playing. Both times we were monitoring. He’s just so fast. So put up when kids around.Also when my teenage son and fiancé would play/ wrestling; one always was bitten. Fast forward. Perfect angel with me. Loved me more than his own life. I asked my fiancé to try and get him to take to him more, per say. He tried and Fen loved him. He really did. Just not like he loved me. After about 3 more bites. Which changed. They were lunging out. More aggressive. The stress in our home was awful. My fiancé at his wits end but still tried to help. Spoke with a professional regarding Heelers. Tried what was suggested. No luck.
I guess my boy loved me to a fault but his loyalty was more than I’ve seen in my 43 years in most humans.
I decided to break my own heart and let him go. I took videos, pictures. I guess trying to “ prepare “ for this broken heart.
NOTHING prepared me for how I’m feeling. I’ve contemplated stealing him. Literally have a plan. The pain of him thinking, “ where’s my mom “ “
Is my mom ok?” “What did I do?”
I will tell you. In Fens mind. He was only protecting his mama. No one else not even Dad was going to be my number one.
I’m physically sick. The guilt is relentless. The should’ve, could’ve etc. I should have tried harder. My fiancé should have done more with him. Anything that can attack the mind. It’s attacked me.
All I visualize is my boy. As the girl at the humane Society said. Being shy and laying on his bed. Sad. Confused and depressed.
Fen is not shy. Then to know he didn’t eat for 6 days and his heeler Rescue has been postponed. I could vomit.
My fiancé has been great but honestly he has to be tired of seeing me pathetic. He lost a child. Here I am like a distraught manic depressive( not downing the depressed. I actually have depression and anxiety; chronic). I also feel Fen felt my anxiety.
My mother hasn’t spoken to me since I let him go. My sister has been supportive and my small friend base. But in the end. They as you all may know, I’m sure are already tired of my boo hoo ing.
I miss you Fen. I pray he knows somehow that I love him. God how I miss him here. Under my recliner. Under my outside chair. Running after bunnies. He couldn’t catch them. Protecting the yard by sitting on the picnic table. I see him everywhere but he’s not here. I have his collar. I can smell him and I jingle it to hear him waking.
Before he left I wrote him
A letter and I have it. I said I feel my heart will be broken forever. I believe it will. How could I leave my loyal loving boy. There had to be more to do.
ItWillTakeTime

Registered:
Posts: 43
 #2 
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please know that everyone who loses a companion that they love -- regardless of the circumstances -- feels the pain of the loss and asks themselves if they could have done more or better for their friend. If only they had taken them to one more vet . . . if only they had doublechecked the front door to make sure it was closed . . . That guilt just goes with the grief, and it is awful. The guilt also comes because we understand our position of responsibility with respect to our beloved companion. BUT . . . we do not control everything, we do not have perfect knowledge, and we are not perfect. You did not ask that Fenway be perfect in order to love him. He too loves you just as you are, and I am sure that he knows that you love him. The circumstance was very difficult, and you needed to protect him as well as others in your family. Sometimes when we do what is best for our companion, it means that we must suffer the pain of loss. I am sure that he will always love and remember you, but it is good news that he will be cared for by a rescue group that will place him with people who will love him and take care of him, even if you will not share this new life with him.

The loss is another thing. We are so close to our animals. They are very much like our children, and not everyone understands that. They are so intertwined with our lives and so dependent on us that when they are gone we feel their absence everywhere, in all of our routines and everywhere we go.

I had to put my dog down; I had raised him from a pup and he was my constant companion for more than fourteen years. There were three things that were useful to me. I stayed in prayer. I kept a journal, in which I wrote about my feelings because, like you, I knew that others would have limited patience or understanding. And I read a lot of posts, blogs, and articles online by people who lost their dogs. I came to realize that everything I was feeling was exactly what people go through when they love their dog that much and lose them. It just sucks and feels horrible, for a long time. There is a good poem on Patricia McConnell's blog that sums it up well. ("Things to do after your dog has died.")

I am afraid that there is no way out of the pain but to go through it; the loss is a reflection of how deeply we love. And Fenway was very blessed to have a person who loved him that much. All I can say is that one day, the pain will no longer be overwhelming. It will take time. At first it will be a few minutes when you can think about something else; and then an hour; and then a day. It will be a day when you can think of him and not cry; and then a day when you can talk about him to someone else and not cry. But whenever you think of him, you will always miss him; and the tears will be there if you allow them; but also the smiles as you remember all of the glorious moments together.
Fensmom

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #3 
ITWILLTAKETIME
First. Thank you. Thank you for taking time to be kind. My anxiety at times causes me to obsess, so at times it seems 1000x worse. I sat on the picnic table tonight. I used to sit out there with Fen. We’d talk. Poor guy probably thought I was nuts. I was married nearly 20 years, not from here and don’t know many people. So Fen heard it all. It’s funny how we talk to our pets about things I never told my fiancé. I don’t use
Names just in case.
I just felt the need to feel close to him. He loved to lay on that table. I believe he was protecting our yard.
It’s odd the guilt that is felt. I know I’m
A responsible pet owner. Yet I feel how I’m feeling.
Labor Day last year I laid my 17 years old chihuahua to rest. She was beautiful. Even in death. Death is final.
I want Fen out of “ limbo “ .... I’m praying that will keep me updated on at least what sort of home he goes to. My fear is I’ll know nothing.
God bless you for taking time to speak to the hurting and understand rather than judge. I’ve has to sort of cut most ppl out right now as well
As prior to letting Fen go. So many different opinions etc. I had to do this on my own. I wish I could post the video before he left. He was listening to me. You can see it. You can also see that I knew my decision would break my heart. It already was.
With much respect and love
Fens Mom🐾
ItWillTakeTime

Registered:
Posts: 43
 #4 
This is a good place to come, where people love their animal companions and many have walked in that dark place that comes after loss. I know you are worried about Fen's future. It would be great if the group would send you a reassuring note; but many of these volunteer groups are overwhelmed with the day-to-day. They may also worry that you will want to have contact with Fen after he is adopted by a new family, which might not be fair to the new family. All you can do is explain to them that you just want reassurance that they have found a good family for Fen and that you don't mean to trouble them. But it may be that you will not get that closure, and you will have to trust in God.

The hard time of grief, guilt, depression, and loss is the price we must pay whenever we adopt and love one of these companions. As awful as it was for me, I would not undo the decision to bring that puppy home. I would pay it a million times.

Hang in there, Fen's Mom. It will not always feel so raw and completely overwhelming.
Fensmom

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #5 
Waking up. Didn’t sleep much. Picturing my boy there. Today is a week and 1 day. God how I want to just go get him. I know legally I cannot as well as what would we do?? I’m at a point I would selfishly keep him. I know that’s wrong but this dog loved me, more than anything. I know he’s a dog. He has to. Not all animals have such personalities. Many do. Few don’t.
Fen. I pray you somehow are connecting with mama. Sounds crazy but idk how else to feel. I miss your kisses. Your smile. He literally smiled. I miss you plopping down on the floor like you had just run 10 miles but only walked about 100 feet. I miss your wet nose. Your beautiful brown eyes. Your were so beautiful I cannot express how beautiful.
I feel odd today. I can’t explain. Helpless. Angry. Sad I guess.
Like others said. A week ago or so. You were here. I could touch you. Hug you. You’d hug me. If I cried. You went crazy. How could I not come up with SOMETHING?????!!!!!
Money was an obstacle and that angers me. If I had $5000. You’d still be here. You wouldn’t have been very happy. But you’d be here.
I hope you feel the kisses I blow. I’ve done that for years. Even when your brother was in trouble. Far away. I blew kisses hoping he felt them. I’m going to get up and talk to you. My eyes will
Once again look like bags all day. Dad went to work. He’s sick. That’s rare. I feel the stress of mama being sad has him with low immunity. Dad loved you Fen. I know you loved him too. I know you wanted to be my one and only. You were. My one and only best friend.
Max is here. He knows your not. He literally looks sad. After all he’s the last boy here. Well
Except the cat that showed up. You wouldn’t hv liked him I don’t believe. Max needs extra love because he has no one to follow running after “ nothing “. My big n little guys.
I love you boy. I can’t thank you enough for being so good to me. When mama was going through that rough time. You laid with me. Bored. But you were there. I still can’t brli I surrendered you. I don’t deserve peace. You are not at peace.
Love
Mama
Fensmom

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #6 
Missing you boy.... our Amanda is “ sick “, your human sister. She loved you. . I could talk to you if you were here. I’m sorry baby boy. Mama thought this was going to go so much smoother.
I’ve been overwhelmed by life but you are still in my mind. It’s been 10 nights. I wish I could say it was a positive overwhelming. Lots happening with your brothers and sisters. You would be feeling stressed and unable to help or fix. Just like your mommy.
I just miss you. I pretend sometimes for a few seconds that you are under the chair/ recliner or in the yard. Guess I’m crazy. I’ll take it. Dad. Poor dad. Dealing with mom.
I miss you. So so much. I’m praying you ate smiling and will be settled more soon. Goodnight my boy.
I love you Fenster
Mom
RF

Registered:
Posts: 46
 #7 
I hope you can find out when Fen gets rehomed, and I hope he finds a good loving home.  I'm willing to bet that if he does, he will be a happy dog again.  And then you can feel so much better yourself, knowing he's in a good situation, even though you will still miss him.  I've adopted many dogs, from various previous backgrounds, and all of them seemed perfectly happy living with us.  They are probably more adaptable than we are!  I hope you can start to feel better as time goes on.
Fensmom

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #8 
Today for some reason has been the worse. I’m still waiting on something from them. My heart has been racing. Makes me wonder if maybe the Heeler rescue is en route. I think I’m ok and then it hits SO hard! My fiancé pulled up coming home from work abt a half hour ago and I literally went into clearly a pretend land. I imagined he’d went and somehow got Fen back and I was just waiting to hear him. I guess I just hoped for a surprise a HUGE fence like a zoo for him. I know I sound crazy. It’s obviously eating at me subconsciously, I had a pretty good day today and then abt 3 o’clock my heart started racing. I pray to hear something positive soon. I’ve emailed the temp. Rescue and explained that I’m not one of those ppl that just recycle pets and to please just let me know anything if and when allowed. Last word was very short and basically said they were still
Waiting on the other rescue. No other info. Thank you for responding to my posts. I’m still not well. I just feel I should have done more. Or kept him confined in a small area until I could afford the appropriate size. But for him? That would be at least 2 acres. Idk. I just miss my boy. To see him happy would be bittersweet but would warm my heart. I pray god will provide that to me and afford it to him. Such a beautiful creation of his.
Love,
Fensmom
Fensmom

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #9 
Thank you again RF
Fensmom

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #10 
I have an update per say. I got a very short email stating that a Heeler rescue did pick Fen up. Now.. this was after I was so tired of waiting for them to respond to me. Idk y they hv been so harsh to me. I sent a simple message asking Has Fenwat been picked up yet. She said he had but wasn’t sure if they would update her and she didn’t tell me which group... after she promised me.

I want to say something. I am so so so so so thankful for the rescue groups. Here it comes... however, I’ve sadly found that as with any job. Some ppl shouldn’t be in certain positions. This I believe is one. 99% of the staff were so pleasant. The lady that assisted me w Fen... not very kind or sympathetic.

I understand they can be overwhelmed etc. I was always kind. I understand that some/ many ppl do just get rid of animals like they are a plant or just want something new. She knew I wasn’t that way. My vet. History was proof in itself.

Everyone says. Just ask her what group he went to. Everyone meaning. Ppl I know n love. She has used her position to bully me into being afraid to ask her for any information as I’m afraid she will completely cut me off. I hv prayed that god will soften her heart and not see all ppl as the same. That every circumstance is not the same.

I knew before she emailed me that Fen wasn’t at her rescue because since he left. I had a visual of sorts if him there and a few days prior to the email. I couldn’t see him
Anymore.

I know if he really went. He would’ve been happy to be riding in a car or truck. Other than that. I have lost complete track of him. He’s officially a needle in a haystack. I’ve searched HEELER/ACD rescues online. I can’t find him.

My heart is telling me he’s smiling. I pray I’m right. I found his beautiful course white/blue hair twice today in 2 places you don’t find Fen hair. I’m not sure where my boy is. Please pray I hear from her that he has been adopted. Pray for her in general. My concern is that she has bad energy... these poor babies need happiness and joy.

Still
Sad,
Fensmom
Fensmom

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #11 
Fen has a home. I’m very bittersweet. I miss him so. I hear it’s a great home. That’s all I know. I know I miss him. I feel selfish. Maybe I am. I love you Fen. I wish you could hear mama.
ItWillTakeTime

Registered:
Posts: 43
 #12 
Fen's Mom,

I am so glad to hear this. It doesn't take away the pain of loss, but it should take away the pain of guilt, fear, and worry. So often in life we don't get any closure. This knowledge is a special gift.

I know you will miss him always.
Fensmom

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #13 
Thank you. The guilt is still here. Could I hv done more. I had to put Fens collar away today. It was hanging in my car and making me sadder and sadder. I’m glad he was adopted. I guess as humans. We crave more n more. I just miss my friend. I still feel I should’ve tried harder. Somehow. But I AM trying. Ty for your support.
Fens mom
RF

Registered:
Posts: 46
 #14 
I'm so glad to hear that Fen was adopted, and I hope it is a good home for him.  I know you still miss him deeply.  I would too.  The only thing I can think of to say that might help is that I have adopted many full-grown cats and dogs over the years, and every one of them seemed to adapt quickly and were happy to be in a home where they were loved.  I don't think they ever forget their previous human, but if they are in a good place their focus is on where they are and who they are with now.  I'm willing to bet that if you did get to see Fen again he would remember you and be happy to see you.  But I think it is we humans who suffer when our beloved pets are gone.  They are a part of us forever.  
Fensmom

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #15 
Ty so much RF.
I’m trying so hard. Been praying. Your words are comforting.i appreciate you more than you know. I think holding it in makes it hard. I know my family is tired of me whining so I keep it in. Broke dwn outside yesterday near his pen. He hated that thing. I still sit in our picnic table to feel close to him. My depression is awful right now so I’ve had to pray for relief as its getting transparent. He was who I talked to besides my fiancé. I’ve not purposely isolated myself over 43 years. So I’m it. It was Fen and myself. I hv Max. He’s 10, he knows he’s my chihuahua. I think he’s tired of me too. It’s different. The bond. Again. Ty. More than you know.
Fensmom
smileybrunette

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #16 
Fensmom, I just read your posts and my heart breaks.  But Fen is in a good place now.  Caesar, the t.v. show dog trainer who started a dog psychology center, has had to point out to owners many times that dogs do not live in the past, nor can they picture the future.  The only place they are aware of is the present.  And in the present he is now a happy dog with a new home and lovely new friends.  Don't torture yourself further that he is thinking of his past anymore.  He loved you when you were together.  Now in the present, he loves his new friends.  He would recognize you again since their memory is prompted by mostly your smell.  But now, without you, he is only thinking of his current life and his new caretakers. Rest assured that people who take in rescue dogs care deeply for them.  My sister and husband have had two rescue dogs and treasure them all the more for having the honor of making their lives happy.  This is the mindset of rescue dog owners.  So have no fear, all is well with Fen.
Fensmom

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #17 
I’m holding back tears reading your post/ reply to me. Before Fen left, I took lots of pictures ( I always did anyways) but these were different. I took a video of Fen and I. I can’t watch it. Not now.
My point is. I did it because I knew how this would hurt. Heck, it was literally ripping me apart before he left. It was. Selfless act on my part rather than selfish
However. It was and has been a gut wrenching decision. My own mother has been awful about it. More or less I should kept him in a tiny pen, kept him muzzled etc. etc. because in her mind, that is better than him not being with me. I didn’t and don’t agree. I felt he deserved better. I know Fen. Like a child and I hv 3 human kids. Fen was my pup friend. Better behaved honestly.
I know he’s probably happy as can be. I just selfishly miss him I guess. He was such a good boy to me. Just not others. His friends come over still looking for him. I let them and it’s bittersweet. I still find peace on the picnic table because I can see his view he had when he was allowed to sit there( when the biting worsened. He had to be out back, he hated it. He couldn’t see out front to in his mind, protect us. ) what he was doing on that table was looking for bunnies to chase and in his mind save mom n dad from. Lol. I’ve liss friends, family etc. eh- go on. No biggie. Fen. Fen was my best friend. Ever. This loss will take time. I know. I just pray I will at some point, feel I did what was right, all the way. My problem is if I could’ve just waited until I had more $$ to buy him a HUGE fenced area. But idk
How long that would’ve been. The muzzle was the hardest. I didn’t want nor would he want that basket muzzle. He wouldn’t be able to give kisses. Even the soft muzzle he got off and chewed up. I couldn’t do that to him with a clear conscience. Then I think. Well maybe I should have. I pray that one day these doubts will fade. All the if, ands or buts. Again. I appreciate you. I’m trying to view this in another light per say. Right now, denial is all
THats helping much.
With love,
Fensmom
ItWillTakeTime

Registered:
Posts: 43
 #18 

Fen's Mom,

I don't know Fen, but I know my dog K (put down five weeks ago). K would have been absolutely miserable in a muzzle. He had to be muzzled twice at the vets because he snapped at the vet when the vet touched him where it hurt. It made him panic and hyperventilate and he couldn't even open his mouth to pant. For K, life with me in a muzzle would not have been a choice. That would have been no quality of life for him at all.

Hard as it was, if Fen was like K, I don't think you had any other choice if you wanted to do the best thing for him.

I miss K terribly. Every day. I don't talk to anyone about it because I don't expect people to understand. I think about him last thing at night, first thing in the morning, sometimes in the middle of the night, and multiple times in the middle of the day. Putting him down was one of the hardest things I have ever done. How can you kill someone you love so much? But his body was breaking . . . he was in pain . . . he had difficulty walking, standing, or laying down . . . losing control of his bowels .  . . unable to take walks . . . unable to play . . . and it was only going to get worse. It was the right thing to do for him, and I did it because I loved him. It still feels terrible.

I guess we take it a day at a time, in prayer.

Fensmom

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #19 
We had Lily for 17 years. I had to lay her to rest a year ago Labor Day. She, like K... was sick and suffering. I visit her as she is buried out back. I talk to her. I’m not sure if you have K with you or if K was buried close by. I struggled with the “ who am I?” “
What right do I have to take Lily’s life?” I wasn’t playing god. I was being her friend. She deserved to be at peace. I feel K did as well. K I don’t think would ever want his mom to see him sick like he was and sad. Not to mention. It was. Selfless act. You chose to put Ks needs before yours. We need more of that. My mother, she loved her dog, but to keep him w her, she allowed so much suffering and I never said anything to her about my feelings but I felt so bad for her dog of 16 years. I suggested several times that it was time. She wouldn’t. He did not die a peaceful death.
K...had you. A beautiful friend and mom to be sure his life was handled properly. Had he been with another, who knows. That’s why god placed him with you.
I know our situations are different a bit. But when I come home and don’t see Fen, when I wake up in the morning is hardest. He was my reason and motivation. My kids are grown, my fiancé grew up here n knows everyone. My mom n sis r far away. I feel I have no purpose. Fen was mine. I hv Max still. I feel bad because Max probably feels my pain but doesn’t know what to do. He’s 10. Fen could read me,feel my emotions. We talked. Crazy as I sound. We talked. Now what? I pray. I pray with you as well. No... I know my Fen. He would’ve hated that big ugly muzzle. My boy didn’t deserve that. Ty for understanding abt the muzzle. I couldn’t do it. Or the tiny pen as he was used to running freely most the time.
Love,
Fensmom
ItWillTakeTime

Registered:
Posts: 43
 #20 
Thank you so much, Fen's Mom.

It was after I came to this board and to the community of people talking about pet loss that I first heard the term "heart dog." It seems that enough people have this special relationship with their dog that they needed a new term to describe it. K was my heart dog, and I am sure that Fen was yours. I hope you find each day a little easier, and that with time other people/animals/things will provide you some of the support you got from Fen. I am trying to remind myself to give them the chance, and not stay holed up in the house.
Fensmom

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #21 
Yes. Same here. I had a really sad day yesterday. I almost up n left work. I pushed through. I told my fiancé I was lonely. I was tired of holding it in. I didn’t care at that point if he or anyone else was tired of me.
I did a lot of thinking last night.
I can’t keep living this way. Fen never liked to see me sad. It upset him so so much. He would be a wreck if he knew his mama was so messy right now.
I sat down and told myself. I hv to do something. It’s going to be tough. I really only hv my fiancé. Mom n sis far away 800 miles. Friend 600 miles. Kids, well... off on their own. So basically. It’s me n Max. Poor max. I feel bad because I know he loves me. He’s been w me 10 years. He’s just little and I feel I’ve ignored him a lot with dealing with my Fen.
Anyways, I’ve realized I don’t feel I hv a purpose. So I’ve been praying for god to show me something. Besides work etc. I haven’t been taking my vitamins. I’m not a health nut but I research and I’ve been taking a chewy for a few years now s d I’ve stopped a while back and I can GUARANTEE it’s effecting my depression. I also hv a water I swear by as it has minerals that assist w this as well. So I am going today to buy both. I hope it helps some. I need to walk. Even if it’s in the yard, anywhere. I cannot keep feeling this way. As you said. Out of the hole. I’m going to try. Pry n push myself. I’m praying for you. We both need this.
RF

Registered:
Posts: 46
 #22 
I hope you are starting to feel better. We always need to keep ourselves healthy to fight off depression.  Good food, water, exercise, and enough sleep are key, and keeping busy with something you can get interested in  really helps.  Sometimes it might be hard to get going and DO something, but you'll feel better if you do.  The grief will sneak in though, when you least expect it, but at least it lessens and doesn't dominate your life.  

Sounds easier than it really is though, that's for sure ...  Best of luck to you.
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