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Squeakers

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Posts: 21
 #1 
3 years ago, I adopted the sweetest cat I have ever met.  She was 6 years old and had just had all of her teeth removed due to periodontal disease, was recovering from a wound on her paw and tested positive for FIV.  It didn't matter, it was love at first sight.  After spending an hour at the shelter trying to find the perfect cat, the staff brought her out from the back and into a cage I was standing in front of.  I asked if I could hold her and she literally jumped into my arms.  There was zero doubt that we were meant to be together. I named her Lola but she ended up with many names; Squeakers (because she had to smallest little squeak for a meow), little Squeakers, Meeps, Little Meepers, Little Friend, and Tiny Friend.   

I was newly single and had recently moved into a small one bedroom apartment.   I was also working from home so we spent a lot of time together.  I just adored her.  I was going through a lot, depression mostly.  She gave me love and something to live for.  I started dating. About a year later I met a woman and we hit it off.  Eventually, she met Lola.  Like everyone else who met Lola, she was smitten with her.  She really was the sweetest cat.  I started spending a lot of time at my new girlfriend's house and felt guilty leaving Lola behind.  I convinced my girlfriend to let Lola stay at her house. It was then that Lola starting being an indoor/outdoor cat.  She LOVED the outdoors. I was so happy to be able to give her that after being cooped up in my small apartment.  Soon after, I moved in.  My GF has 2 young boys and Lola was great with them.  She has another cat and they got along. 

We had a couple of scares with Lola.  She was attacked twice by a neighborhood cat and both times developed a nasty abscess.  The first time, the vet didn't see it and told us that her kidney levels were so bad we should consider putting her to sleep.  Luckily, the abscess burst before we did anything and she got better and her kidney levels dropped but were still elevated.  I always knew that she was on borrowed time and always tried to not take her for granted.  It was around this time that my GF and I decided to have a child of our own.  My son was born January 30th of this year.  Over the last couple of months, Lola got very picky with food and was drinking a lot of water and always peeing.  She lost a lot of weight.  We brought her into the vet about a week ago and we were told she was in end-stage kidney failure.  She still looked like she was enjoying life and didn't seem on death's door.  I opted to give her fluids and appetite stimulants at home.  2 days ago, I was outside on the deck with our baby and she came bounding up the driveway in a way I have never seen before.  It was almost angelic.  I can't really explain it and I'm crying thinking about it.  

About an hour later, my GF was working in her office upstairs and come running downstairs to tell me something was wrong with Lola.  I went upstairs and it looked like she was having a seizure or stroke.  We brought her to the vet.  They couldn't tell us for sure.  When we brought her home, she wouldn't leave her carrier.  I eventually took her out to pee.  She wouldn't eat or drink.  She was meowing in a way I had never heard before.  She wanted to go into our Armoire.  I made her a bed out of my clothes on the bottom shelf.  I told my GF that if she didn't die in the night we would bring her in the next morning to be put to sleep.  She didn't pass that night but looked and acted like a shell of her former self.  It was time.  

We brought her in. That was yesterday morning. I'm beside myself with grief.  I had such a special bond with my sweet, little friend.  I loved her so much.  My GF told me before that she was worried about the day that Lola dies because she knows how much she means to me.  She also told me that partially the reason why she trusted me to be with her kids and have our child together was because of how well I treated Lola.  In essence, my baby boy might not be here hadn't it been for my sweet Lola.  I'm so incredibly sad.  I know time heals all wounds but right now, I miss my special little friend so much I feel sick.  Sorry this was so long, but I needed to get it out.  






maddie1

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Posts: 7
 #2 
Lola had a wonderful life with you. It's such a hard time when we lose a pet we love so much, it doesn't matter that time heals all wounds, you have to be in the moment and grieve. Take care.
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #3 
You saved her...you literally gave her bonus time in this life. Every experience, meal, dream, treat, bird she chased, breeze she felt and purr she let out was a gift for both of you to share.
They are miracles that show up in our lives when we need them..when you are on a solid foundation in life, they can move on...probably to help someone else.
You both have great experiences to remember..one day we'll all be able to reunite with them and share them again. -Katsu's Dad
Squeakers

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Posts: 21
 #4 
Thank you Katsu's Dad.  That was a really nice post.  
Squeakers

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Posts: 21
 #5 
I woke up thinking I felt better.  Then, it hit me.  Every morning when I was in the bathroom Lola would stick her paw through the crack of the door and open it.  That didn't happen this morning.  I lost it.  I'm sure everyone on this forum has had similar things happen.  It's just so incredibly sad.  I miss her terribly.  
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #6 
Oh squeakers, I know exactly what you mean. Mornings are the hardest for me. My boy Katsu would wake me up every morning..his big paws raking the door, he'd stick his big nose in the door crack and huff until I opened it or just lean his big body onto it. I'd give him a big good morning hug, run downstairs to grab his leash..walkies! Around the lake and park then back home he'd get a treat and lay outside my room while I did yoga and meditate. This was our morning routine every day for years. He was my best friend and the house is so empty now. I really don't know what to do when I wake up now..the house, the yard, the neighborhood and everything around it is a constant reminder of our daily adventures.
I'm sure you'll see your furry friend in the usual spots..i even think I hear my boy snoozing sometimes when it's quiet at night. They bring so much to our lives don't they? I think that's one of the lessons for me..to cherish this life and all it's amazing experiences and life itself. I'm sure,like me, you will always miss your little buddy. Take care and thank you for sharing. -Katsu's dad
Squeakers

Registered:
Posts: 21
 #7 
I hear you on the constant reminders.  Lola's little blue blanket that they gave me when I adopted her is the same blanket that I brought with her to be put to sleep.  Now it sits in our bedroom... 

The other difficult thing for me is I'm a stay at home dad for the summer.  It's me and my 5-month-old son.  I'm having an impossible time grieving for Lola yet trying to be happy and consistent with my boy.  When he takes his small naps is when I break down in tears.

Your posts are helpful.  It's consoling to know other people are dealing with the same tremendous loss.  I knew it would be bad when I lost her but I didn't really understand the full scale of it.  
GreenBean59

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #8 
Hi Squeakers. Thank you for the reply about our dog Daisy. I am so very sorry for the loss of your cat Lola. I have lost a few cats over the years and it is never easy. When my green Bean died a few weeks ago I was devastated. Her death was sudden and unexpected. I still hurt. I built a memorial (I hate to call it a grave) and I visit it every day.

God bless and keep the faith.
Squeakers

Registered:
Posts: 21
 #9 
GreenBean59,

Today, I went out to one of my favorite places by the ocean (I live in Maine).  I hauled a large stone from the shore, stuffed it in my backpack and brought it home.  I'm putting it on the edge of my garden as a memorial to Lola.  I bought some perennials to plant next to the stone.  I've been trying to take the advice of others on this site and the advice in the book "The Pet Loss Companion".  The thing that seems to trip me up is the guilt I have over failing to keep her alive and healthy and having to euthenize her.  I have images of her lifeless body and think about me holding her as she went limp from the sedative.  I'm trying to redirect my mind away from the images and toward the happy times we had together.  I also plan on attending a pet loss support group on Monday.  I figure I could use all the help I can get.

Be well.
Squeakers

Registered:
Posts: 21
 #10 
We held a memorial in our garden at our home today.  My partner, her two boys, age 8 and 5, and our 5-month-old son attended.  I painted the rock I brought home from the shore yesterday, an outline of a kitty and Lola's name.  We all wrote a note to Lola and buried the notes under a perennial we planted for her.  

Today has been very hard.  I miss my special friend.  
GreenBean59

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #11 
Hi Squeakers.

Your story touched my heart. It is nice to have a place to visit and remember. I have a rock that I brought home last year from a beach on Lake Erie in my hometown in Ohio (I live in Florida now). I put Green Bean's name on it and placed it the the center of her memorial.

There will be good days and bad days. Had a couple of good days....today is a bad day. With time the good days outnumber the bad days more and more. With time...

I'm glad you made a memorial and brought your children. Unfortunately I seem to be the only one in my family that is in mourning. Thank you for caring and sharing your story. Right now I feel so alone.


God bless and keep the faith.
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #12 
That sounds like a great memorial and quitting notes is a nice touch. Writing is a great way to transfer energy. I'm sure it was a challenging day. Sunday night's are hard for me too. I lost my pup on a Sunday night and sitting here alone thinking of how I miss him is difficult. I share your hurt and I'll keep you in my thoughts. -Katsu's dad
Squeakers

Registered:
Posts: 21
 #13 
Thank you both for your kind words.  I attended a pet loss support group at the local animal shelter last night.  It was helpful.  Be well.
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #14 
That's a great idea squeakers...i should look into that in my area. Thank you and take care. - Katsu's dad
Squeakers

Registered:
Posts: 21
 #15 
You're welcome.  If you find a group and decide to attend, I would love to hear how it goes.  
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