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jenkra

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Posts: 6
 #1 
It’s been 2 1/2 months since I lost my dog Rizzo to kidney failure & I’m crippled with grief and guilt.

I 100% know she showed kidney issue symptoms but I reasoned away the accidents on the floor because of her age (10yrs old), so I bought piddle pads to help her get through the day. I put off vet visits because of fianances and not being able to get time off because of a new job. So I Googled home remedies for UTI’s - apple cider vinegar & lots of fluids.

She always seemed to get better. I few days of symptoms and she’d be back to her crazy old self.

She showed symptoms on and off for a year. A year!!! How on earth did I let it go on that long?!? I always thought she was my “healthy”dog. I was always so on top of her health & it shatters me that I knew she was having issues off and on and didn’t take her in for testing.

By the time I realized she was so sick it was too late. I feel like I actively took steps to kill her. I feel like I let her down and she paid the ultimate price. Maybe her kidney failure was inevitable, but I guarantee if I’d taken her to the vet sooner her symptoms could have at least been managed and she could’ve lived many more years.

I feel like a monster. How could I have let my sweet baby Rizzo down so badly. I could’ve charged the costs on my credit card. I could’ve taken her to the vet on a Saturday when I didn’t have to work. I could’ve done so mnay things, but I didn’t. And now She’s dead. The one thing I did decide to do - holding her head in my hands as she looked me in the eyes and drew her last breath.

I’m disgusted with myself & have no earthly idea how I’m supposed to move past this....
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #2 
I am so sorry you are going through this guilt. We all do things that made sense at the time and then we look back and say "I should have" or "I could have" I did the same thing with Termy. I didn't want him to suffer anymore and I promised I would fix it. I took his life thinking it was for the best. Now I look back and think, maybe it was his teeth or I should have tried the other medicine to get him to eat would inter fer with his heart medicine and then I think he might not have made it through a teeth cleaning at his age and heart condition and the new medicine would have made his heart condition worse. We will never know and we can't go backwards. If we could we would have done things differently.  I too  held Termy while he took his last breath knowing he trusted  me.I just hope it wasn't misplaced. Please know you did what was best for her with what was going on in your life and she loved you always and still does. I hope you and I both can move past the guilt and honor our babies by loving their memories and the journey we shared.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
doglife

Registered:
Posts: 69
 #3 
I truly understand how you feel right now.   I am beating myself up and asking so many questions as to how and why my most precious sweet Jada, German shepherd, dropped dead in my backyard a couple of days ago, and I cannot come to the grips of her passing so suddenly, so unexpectantly .   I blamed myself , that somehow her playing with the hose in the backyard like she always did,  killed her.  But that didn't make any sense as she did this every hot day, along with my other 2 male German Shepherds.   They were all so excited that it finally warmed up here to play outside with their favorite thing in the world besides swimming , a water hose and the kiddie pool to splash around in.   Everything was normal with her, she was an very active healthy dog , turning 8 on June 7.   She was still so young, so many years left , so I thought.    I hadn't brought her to the vet yet for her yearly check up this year, and so I am beating myself up for that as well.   She was healthy except she had some mid arthritus from some mild spondilosis which she was getting treated for with a pet chiropractor that came to the house every other month.    She also had a very bizzare breathing episode that happened about 9 months ago.  We were all in bed and I could hear heavy labored wheezing, and I jumped over to where she was and woke up my husband and told him that we needed to bring her to the ER vet.  So we did, and all of her symptoms cleared up while we were there,  her blood work came back normall, her oxygen came back normal and her X-rays came back normal.  They couldn't come up with a conclusive answer as to why this was happening , just to bring her back if it started up again.   Shortly after I took her to my regular vet, told her all about the episode , had her check her over and she didn't see anything wrong either, said it could have been a fluke thing.   Now that she was playing , acting normal, and not showing signs of slowing down, probably because she was a very high drive dog, I didn't do any further investigation.    I could have taken her to a specialist and had further testing to see if she had any other issues to be concerned about,  but we don't have a ton of extra money for specialist.  I did take her to an ear specialist becaue of her chronic ear infections, and even she did not recommend doing ANY further invasive testing on Jada because of her arthritus and spondilosis of the spine, because there is a high rish of dogs dying under anethesia or of paralysis afterwards.  I was at the Best of the Best pet hospitals in my area, where they do any and all surgeries on animals that they do on humans, and the specialist there did not feel comofortable putting Jada under further testing.   That was also the same suggestion of my regualar vet.   So I figured we dodged a bullet because the breathing epsisode never came back.  She did pant alot at night , and I though it was just because of her always being in drive.   Now , after I had tried unsuccessfullly to revive her after she collapsed , it was all for nothing, because she had stopped breathing instantly, her tonge was sticking out of her mouth and her eyes turned black and appeared to bulge out a little , and with that she was gone.  It was me alone in the backyard with 3 soaking wet German Shepherds and there was no way I could carry her myself to the car and bring her to a hospital.  I had to stare for one last time into her eyes which could no longer see and cry and scream NO, NO, NO , NO, NO,  Jada don't GO!!!!!!!!!     Now I am left with unaswered questions as to why?  I have been spending hours online to see if she had any symptoms that I missed, or how dogs can go from playing to dropping dead in a minute and I really came up with nothing.   I didn't send her in for an autopsy because I'd have to drive 8 hours to the closest place to do it, and we don't have thousands of dollars to spend on one.   I am feeling like I could have done more, that I could have had her tested and now I am finding that because she did sometimes regurgitate her food, although not often enough for it to be life threatening, that she could have possibley had larnynx paralaysis disease which caused the breathing episode and even the vomiting.  The surgery they could do for that would have left her a dog that couldn't swim, play in water or run around, and without the ablity to do these things, she would have been miserable.   She only knew one speed and that was Mock 10.   She was constantly in motion, always had to have a ball in her mouth, or she'd make a game out of reflections on the wall,  being still was not her thing.   I would NOT have done that surgery.  The other things it could have been is a tumor around the heart or spleen which could be diagnosed through ultra sound or possibly X-rays or urninalysis , and extensive blood work, and I am beating myself up over why I didn't do these things.  Why didn't I have extensive testing done on her,  she was the best dog I've ever had and my first German Shepherd female.  How could I be so ignorant, so stingy , so stupid as to think that she was perfectly healthy, when she was so darned good at hiding her pain.   Of course she wasn't going to show signs of pain, she was the Alpha of our pack.  She was the protector, the guardian, the one who had to make sure that not one thing invaded her space that was not supposed to be there.  She was my best friend.  How could I let this happen, I feel like it's somehow my fault that she's gone.  Like I am some monster of a person that let this terrible tragedy happen to her.  That I somehow , someway could have done more, if I only had known, that she had either a bad heart or a tumor on her spleen, I wouldn't have been letting her run around playing in the hose like a maniac.    She ran to me and died next to me.   I will never understand, I will never know exactly what happened , and this guilt and blame is killing me.  
I didn't mean to write a book, but what I'm saying is that in reality , after it's all said and done, you loved your dog and she loved you and you did the best that you could.   You are not a monster and I think I resonated with your post because I feel the same way. We are blaming ourselves, but in reality your dog had a good life, and you were a good pet mom, and pets can have a multitude of things go wrong and just because there is a vet hospital somewhere that can do a heart transpant or whatever to try to give your dog a few more months ,  is it really for them or is it for us.  In nature animals get sick and they die.   We take in our pets and we do the best that we can, and we are not all rich and loaded to the point where we can spend thousand of dollars on testing and medications which only end up prolonging a illnesss or a sick dog.  What I am hanging onto right now , for a sliver of peace, is that I know that even if I did find out Jada had cancer or whatever the million possilbites could be,  she would have NEVER been happy if she couldn't run and play and chase bubbles and chase the vacuum and do all of her silly crazy things that she loved to do.   So I have to somehow let go of this pain that I somehow caused this to happen to her, because I cannot even function with this burden.  I can only tell you that I understand the pain you are feeling and I am so sorry for the loss of your furry friend Rizzo.  May Our Dogs rest in Peace, and may they live on in our hearts forever. 
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