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beautifulbaby

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Posts: 28
 #1 
It will be one month September 3 and the pain has become intensely worse.  It is more real than ever that my baby Creamer is gone.  The pain has engulfed my life.  He is all I think about.  I am consumed with guilt knowing that his death was so tragic and so sudden.  I was in such a hurry the night he was taken, that I didn't even say goodbye to him.  I could have never imagined this happening.  We have live in California for almost 3 years now and had heard of some incidents but never where we lived.  I never thought a coyote would be so daring to jump over a fence and go into someones back yard. I don't blame the coyote.  I blame myself for not being able to protect my baby.  I know I couldn't have seen into the future but I think that if I could rethink the situation maybe I could undue what happened.  I miss him so much, I feel like apart of me is gone.  I am so drained by all the emotions.  Sometimes I am able to function and other days I sit in front of the TV,numbed out to life.  I know he would want me to be happy.  He would want me to live in the now.  That is one great thing that pets do and also children they live in the now instead of worrying about the past and the future.  I miss his excitement over life.  He was just such a happy boy. I try to think how can I be happy like he was.  I try getting excited about life, sometimes it works.  I am taking a couple fun classes right now to ease my mind.  The classes have been helpful in getting out of my own head.  This website and the support from you guys has been amazing. Thank you. 

Hugs to all of you,

Cathy
aussiepaws

Registered:
Posts: 732
 #2 
Cathy ... don't beat yourself ... it could have happened anywhere in the U.S. Coyotes live here in MA, I've even heard of hawks and owls grabbing very small dogs and cats.

The fact that your beloved Creamer was taken so suddenly and unexpectedly makes it so much harder to deal with. Having lost my beloved Odin a little over 2 years ago in Aug. You're never really prepared to loose them.

Believe me the pain does subside. I too still have my moments when I will think of my Zephyr and Odin and the old pain and tears return. But they are less frequent than when the loss was new and raw.

((Hugs))

Dianne
River

Registered:
Posts: 262
 #3 
I did the same thing as you and thought similarly. If I could just re-think the scenario and change just one variable that somehow I would figure it out and undo what happened. It is such a frustrating exercise. Then at one point, when I think it finally was settling in that there was nothing I could do to bring him back, I would skip to the end of the scenario and daydream about it actually working, and I would imagine the reunion that would take place, and I would imagine being overjoyed and then I would be crushed again when I realized it could never happen. Grief really is a roller-coaster ride. I am so sorry that you are still suffering in its grip. It does eventually get better and don't be discouraged if you have set-backs. As time passes, there will be more and more days of calm and they will eventually string together. Time just passes so painfully slow in the beginning, but it does pass.
Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,059
 #4 
It's very hard to find the joy in your life when your sweet pet passes on. I am glad you're taking classes...they will help you think about something else for awhile. My heart goes out to you over the loss of your precious Creamer.

Mare
precious Christoph ~ 2 years at the bridge ~
Darian

Registered:
Posts: 282
 #5 

If it wasn't for this board I'd think I was crazy.  I used to/ do re-think  the scenario and also would allow myself to day dream that it all worked out and my little guy got better.  It is a relief to know that it's a natural part of grief.  I guess we're trying to figure out "what we did wrong".  And that's why our brain keeps looping because we didn't do anything wrong.  Your little Creamer is in God's hands and there is no better, safer, warmer place.  He will keep him happy until you meet again.

beautifulbaby

Registered:
Posts: 28
 #6 
Thank you so much for the kind words, they help so much.  It really helps to relate to someone in this situation.  It gives me direction through the healing process.  I also am sorry for your losses, my heart also goes out to you. 
I am doing a little better now, Im out of the house and that helps somewhat.  It is hard going places to, because he used to go everywhere with us.  He was small enough that I could carry him around.  He was my happy little adventurer.  I wish I didnt have to "he was".  Their are other phrases I have been trying to avoid like "his death" or his "life ended".  I cant stand thinking of him in that way.  It hurts so bad, I feel like I am being torn from the inside out.  Nothing seems real anymore.  Sorry just bringing up those phrases really made hurt.  I guess its better to let it go and let out the tears.  Thank you again,

Hugs to all of you,
Cathy
LemonTea

Registered:
Posts: 29
 #7 
Dear Cathy

I just want to send you  an abundance of ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are understandably hurting.

Thinking of you xxxx
KT
cwigg99723

Registered:
Posts: 628
 #8 
Your pain and your loss is still so fresh and new. 
 
It is normal to be feeling like this so soon after a loss like this.  It is horrible to loose a sweet pet.  If your pet is approaching their "golden years", you can kind of expect it; and especially if your pet is in bad health.
 
But to loose a pet in a tragic accident, you have no time to prepare for this.  Although, there is no way to prepare for the loss, even if you are expecting it.  But to loose a pet in a sudden tragic way, well, I just cannot imagine!!!! 
 
I knew that our Beagle, Bonnie Lou's time was running short.  She was steady declining in her health.  In fact I used to pray to God to take her in her sleep, so we would not have to make that decision.  But it was not to be.
 
I will keep you in my prayers and my thoughts.  Come back here anytime.  it is what got me through this loss; and it still is helping me.
 
~~~~~Hugs~~~~~
Clara
Nancee

Registered:
Posts: 1,328
 #9 
Cathy,
  I think a tragic death, like Creamer had, is so much more difficult than a more "natural" death. I really feel for you. We have coyotes here in Phoenix and I never knew they'd jump a fence either till someone told me and I've lived here for years. Try not to blame yourself. It wasn't something you did intentionally. My husky, Deanna, was in the yard a lot and there was nothing I could have done to stop her--she loved it there. I was just luckier or something.
 You loved him a lot and that, in the end, is the most important thing. Sorry for your loss.
jkgibb1

Registered:
Posts: 65
 #10 
Hi, Cathy--

It's Irene, the one who accidentally closed the trunk on her beautiful cat, Kitten, not knowing he was inside, and he died.  For me, it has been a little over a month since this horrible accident and I understand what you are going through.  I, too, re-live that horrible moment when I opened the trunk and realized why my cat had been missing.  It haunts me, still.

All I can say is that I am beginning to understand that the past cannot be undone, as much as I wish it could be.  I wish I could go back to that moment when I realized I had forgotten to shut the trunk and walked down the drive to close it.  But, I can't.  Unfortunately,that is one of the hard realities we are dealing with--we cannot undo the past. 

I am learning, however, that it is better to keep busy and I think the people on here are correct when they say it will get easier.  I still cry about every day and have considered going back on Zoloft to get me through this, but I know I cannot beat myself up forever over what happened.  From all the literature I have read, we do not have total control over our pets' lives, even though we hope we can protect them from everything.  What happened to Creamer and Kitten were sad accidents. 

I understand your sadness and grief.  Please hang in there--it sounds like you are doing some pro-active things such as taking classes.  I am trying to get out more and be around people.  I will check back periodically to see how you are doing.

Irene

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