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Posts: 10

I tried to add Ewok's photo incorrectly I think so I cannot find my original post from 6-30.  So, I am doing this new one so you can see my handsome fur baby.  It has been a week now since I helped Ewok to the Rainbow Bridge.  I cannot believe that it has been that long. 
I went out again today (that makes 4 times in over two weeks), taking little Chewie to Petsmart to buy a new toy and get him out of the house so we can try and get him out of his depression.  He loved it.  My daughter is here for two days (she lives about 10 miles) from us and she is giving Chewie lots of attention.  I and my daughter will stay in tomorrow to watch a movie or two. 
I went to the jewelers today to order my heart vessel pendent for some of Ewok's ashes to be put in so I can always have him close to me.  Jewelers will have his artist carve an image of this picture of Ewok - one of my very favorites - in the wax mold and then I will look at it to make sure it is okay before he finishes the pendant.  If it does not look like Ewok then I don't want anything except his name and dates on the back of the pendant. 
Yesterday was another very hard day for me - in tears and in bed most of the day with Ewok's things that still contain his smells in my arms (I don't think I will ever be able to wash them because I think he will be gone and I am terrrified I will really lose my link with him.  I still cannot sleep going on a few months now.  Here in Phoenix, AZ it is 3:00 am Pacific time and I cannot sleep despite two sleeping pills.  Last night I finally went to sleep at 5:00 am and had to get up at 9:00 am this morning - 4 hours sleep.  Have lost another pound since last Tuesday - now 5 pounds.  I am eating but, not very much and most of it is going right through me.  Today I was physically sick most of the day with such terrible pain in my chest and stomach (probably from all the tears - my husband tells me I sound like a wounded animal when I am crying). 
I am still looking for my Tribute to my baby which I posted on the site 6-29 or 6-30.  I hope I will see it soon.  My girlfriend in Tucson is waiting to read it as is my stepdaughter. 
A couple of you asked about seeing a photo of my baby angel.  This one was taken in 2006 and he looks so good there, it is hard to believe he looked so bad a week ago.  I don't know if I can post another photo but I will try and post one that we took the evening before we sent Ewok on his journey. 
I thank all of you again for your love, support and well wishes. 

Ewok's Mommy, Sandy

Ewok and Mommy (taken night before Ewok started journey to RB) - Mommy's heart is breaking and Ewok (with his eyes) is letting Mommy know it is okay and that he loves her.


Posts: 991
Dear Sandy,
Ewok is a little doll! No wonder you miss him so much.
Grief and depression can take on a physical dimension. Are you in touch with your doctor? The pain and depression and sleep problems and of course the weight issue can be helped by eating the right, nutritious foods.
Talking about Ewok here can help a lot too. Please continue to share with us.
I'm sorry if I wasn't much help.
Molly's Mom

Posts: 2,245
Dearest Sandy:
Ewok is absolutely adorable.  I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.  Unfortunately I am not much better than you and Christopher has been gone for over 15 months.  I hate to tell you that as your loss is so new.  The bond we develop with our Angels is so Special that when they leave they take our Heart and Soul with them.  I have looked for answers to this pain for such a long time.  I too have been physically ill for some time now.  It is exhausting.  I wish there was something I could say that would help you, but I still have not found anything that works. 

I am sure that Christopher is watching out for your precious Angel as are all the other Fur Angels at the Bridge.  I know that your Heart will be broken Forever just like mine.  Please know that we are all here when you need us.  You and Ewok are in my Prayers. 

Sending Prayers and Big Hugs Your Way
Georgeann and Christopher

My Precious Angel
Please Watch Out
For Ewok and Keep
Him Safe For His Mommy
You Are My Man And I Love You

Posts: 1,328
Sandy--Ewok's a little doll baby. I can see how you could fall head over heels for him.
For the sleeping problems, this is depression/anxiety related, have you tried Valerian? By a good herb company like herb pharm? Or benadryl? They might help, along with a low dose sleeping pill. Sleep is necessary to give you the needed stamina to fight the grief. If the depression gets too bad--you might need a doctor to help just for awhile.
Maybe milk shakes and things like that, comfort foods that are high caloric/high fat for your weight?
 I know when you're depressed food is the last thing you want (although some people are the opposite--I don't eat when I feel bad, my husband can't stop).
I hope you start to feel a wee bit better each day.

Posts: 657

He is absolutely adorable!  I am so sorry you are feeling so bad, but I so very much understand. 


Posts: 763
Dear Sandy, your dear Ewok is adorable! What a darling little face! I am so sorry for your loss. I have to echo what Georgeann has already said. It has been 16 weeks tomorrow since my beloved Mr. Meowgy left for the Bridge. I wish I could tell you time eases the pain, but for me that is not true.  It may be getting harder. I am not much better now. As a matter of fact, today has been very hard. Wednesdays are because they lead to Thursday and Mr. Meowgy left on a Thursday.
I have lost weight too. I don't have the interest in food I used to have. I don't have the same interest in most things that I used to have. Everything is different. I just don't get much joy from anything any more. I have 5 other cats, but none are nearly as affectionate as my boy was.
You don't have to wash Ewok's things. Maybe you will never be ready to. That is OK, they comfort you, so just hug them as they are. Your loss is so new and I truly hope your pain eases in time. My friends tell me I should see my doctor about this horrible depression. If yours continues, maybe you should see your doctor. Sometimes we just need help. I will pray for you.
Happy 1 week Bridge Day beautiful Ewok! Let Mommy know you are alright.
Donna, Mr. Meowgy's mom

Posts: 820

So sorry you are having such a bad time at the moment.  It has only been a week.  You need to give yourself longer.  When Rupert passed I didn't eat, sleep or function for two weeks and he crying still hasn't stopped and it has been 24 weeks now.  I still can't believe he has gone and I don't think I can ever accept it.  You are grieving and you go through stages in the process.  Be kind to yourself  and try to remember him well and happy not the last few days.  That will make you depressed and he would not want that I am sure.  He will be running at the Rainbow and with my Rupert I hope we will see them again one day.All the best.  Ruperts Mum

Posts: 67
What you are going through physically is extreme but it isn't that unusual I don't think....
It's like what happened to doctor called it major depressive use to be called a nervous breakdown....I also have post-tramatic stress and panic/anxiety attacks
When i found my sweetheart Shadow (6 yr old cat) dead unexpectedly outside my bedroom door I started screaming and screaming and literally didn't stop for hours.... I called the vet and begged them to come here and do something..."PLEASE HELP HIM, OH PLEASE COME HELP MY BABY" i screamed at her on the phone at 6 in the morning even though he was definatly daughter said I even screamed and moaned in my sleep later that day.
I didn't eat one single bite of food for 5 days...I still don't eat well and it has been over two months. I've lost 18 pounds.....
I shook constantly, even in my sleep , I trembled...that lasted for about three weeks.....
The only way I ever got any sleep at all was by taking pills...pain pills, muscle relaxers, nerve pills...what ever i could get a hold of that would get me stoned enough to sleep.
And for a few weeks I had flash backs to that day and those hours of hell after i found him lieing outside my bedroom door where I sure he came looking for his mama to help him.
I had vivid & bloody nightmare...not even about Shadow.
The pain and sorrow were so bad I thought very seriously about suicide, and I'm really not the type for that sort of thing.
I have developed two allergies since it happened. These are severe allergies to things/medications I use to have no problems with. The only thing my doc can figure is that my central nervous system is kind of attacking me because of prolonged over exposure to extreme stress.
I even had a massive kidney stone(the doc swears its not related, but I'm not convinced, cause I never had any problems like that before)
My memory, focus and concentration are just now starting to improve two months later.
I pushed away every single friend I have and said terrible wicked thing to my husband and was completely uninterested in sex for weeks (thats a long time for me)
I went through walmart in my Pjs once...ok that's even more embarrassing than the sex thing for some reason.
I was interested in NOTHING! I cared about NOTHING! My life was over and I was done with this terrible world.
I look 5 or 10 years older than I did just three months ago.
Losing Shadow nearly killed/destroyed me literally.
I'm not trying to say my grief is any worse than anyone else's. Or that my Shadow meant more to me than your baby did to you....but I took it very badly and I just want you to know that if I can survive this you can too.

I still cry for him a lot and I miss him so so so badly that it kills me sometimes, but it does get easier a little. I recently got a job and I'm able to go hours at a time when i don't think about him or the terrible unfair thing that happened. If you met me on the street today you'd never know i was in the seventh circle of hell just a few months ago. Sometimes I am even able to have a little fun, laugh at a funny movie, do art projects, read a book, clean the house, etc....

Just know that you are not alone and that you have to keep trying, keep living, keep going. The sharp biteing pain WILL pass eventually. I don't know if I'll ever stop being sad and hurt when i think of him, I don't know if I will ever be the same again. But I do know I've gotten better and I think you will too. We will be okay eventually. I just want you to know that this "crazy" person in Ohio is thinking about you and and hoping for you and wish you peace in this terrible hard time.

Much love and hope,
Shadow's mama

BTW try imageshack for hosting your pics :o)

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Posts: 148
Yeah the physical pain is starting on me. My chest is tightening up. My best friend died less than a year ago (in July), so I was still trying to get over that. This will put me over the edge.
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