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rnj79

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Posts: 13
 #1 
It has been 16 very long days since Abby left us. In those 16 days, I have developed mouth sores, stress bumps on my hands, and now, a stye has popped up in my eye.

Why does it have to be sooo hard? I miss her beyond explanation. I keep beating myself up. Why didn't I hold her more before leaving her? Why didn't I hold her when the vet brought her precious, lifeless body in to see us? How could I have not known she was soo sick?  We were so hopeful she would get to come home. How did we not know? I cannot get the last 2 days of her life out of my head. I keep replaying it over and over.

And Boudreaux, her brother. He looks for her. He mopes. He's changed. He misses her. They always played together. Abby was 13. Boudreaux will be 8 on October 1st. He has never been by himself.

The only thing that has helped me is knowing the last thing I told Abby was that I loved her. I know she didn't understand it, but she felt it. She passed away on her own terms- we did not have to make that decision for her. We did get her ashes back on Friday, along with her paw print and nose print. So, now our once vibrant, sweet 'Heart Dog", Abby sits ontop my husband's dresser. I talk to her often. I miss her even more. I hate this.

~RNJ79



Lynnsa

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #2 
Rnj79 I'm so sorry for your loss of Abby - I lost Max 4 months ago and it is so so hard. He too died at vets from pancreaitis and there is so much I beat myself up over. At the end of the day they do go so suddenly and they are such a huge part of any family. Grieving is so hard on the body and what you are describing is stress related. I wish you all the best and am sending all my love and hugs to you 💗💗💗
Riley2018

Registered:
Posts: 55
 #3 
RNJ79, 

I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet Abby.  Losing them is the most horrible thing.  I know as far as physical effects, I did have a lot of headaches and I just felt very tired with no motivation to do anything, including washing my bed sheets.  I lost my heart dog Riley on May 13th, so I've had a little more time to process my grief, but like you, I kept re-playing over and over and over his last hours and the last moments.  I too questioned everything that I didn't do or say. I had to make the decision, so I had all those questions and doubts as well.

Several books helped me to cope--a couple from Amazon, one called "Heart Dog, Surviving the Loss of your Canine Soul Mate" and another called "Goodbye, Friend" and one more called "The Petloss Companion: Healing Advice from Family Therapists Who Run Pet Loss Groups."  These did help quite a bit.

In July, about two months after losing Riley, I kind of slid back again and was sobbing and wailing for about a week or so.  I finally called a therapist who deals with pet loss and she too was helpful.

This forum is immensely helpful as well, as you will see that you are not alone in what you are feeling and that in itself is healing.  All of this helped me process my guilt as well as my extreme grief.

The other thing I did was spend a lot of time on memorial projects--I created a canvas collage (from the CVS photo site), got a photo urn for Riley's ashes and created a tribute movie with pictures and video clips.  These all were comforting.  I still cry, although I will say the crying has slowed down somewhat.

I think in the beginning, the shock of it all is just so hard and you just want them back.  I can honestly say, two weeks shy of three months later, it has gotten a little bit better.  I seriously did not know how I would live through the loss of him.  But again, hearing how I was not alone in what I was feeling and knowing that there are others feeling pretty much like I was was very healing in itself.

I also attended the candle ceremony the last two Monday evenings and that too was very helpful.  You just need to do what you can to get through and even try a pet loss support group in your area if you have one.  The people here on this forum get it, they really do.


Lynnsa

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #4 
Riley I have just downloaded the heart dog book as I can’t seem to move on from my loss - I’ve read some others which have helped. I don’t spend too much time on here as all the heartbreaking stories set me off but I am so sorry for everyone’s loss 😘
pb313

Registered:
Posts: 104
 #5 
Oh rnj79,
Brings tears to my eyes. I kept telling Raider how much we loved him too.
I am sorry you are having so many I’ll effects. My heart hurts but my body has not rebelled. Please find peace in knowing that Abby knew and still knows.

Paula-Raider’s mom
rnj79

Registered:
Posts: 13
 #6 
Thank you all for your kind words. There truly is no other place like this site.

Yesterday was a not so good day, but today has been "OK". I don't want to be sad, but I feel like I'm betraying her by being happy. I was in this very same place almost 9 years ago when Moe was killed and Abby helped me through that time. We adopted our remaining doxie, Boudreaux, 11 months after we lost Moe. Now, Boudreaux is helping me get through losing Abby. My husband and I have been married for 14 years. Abby was 13 when she died. I told my husband she was around for 99% of our marriage. I just cannot process all of this. I cannot believe she is no longer here. I want her back.

I am having big time fears and anxiety about losing Boudreaux. He will be 8 on October 1st. We took him for his yearly checkup last week. I had the vet run lab work on him just to make sure. Everything looked good. She said his thyroid came back low normal but isn't concerned. She'll recheck it in one year. Is it normal to be fearful about our remaining furbabies?

Thank you all again for being so caring and supportive. I hate that we're all here for the same reason :(

~RNJ79
Lynnsa

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #7 
I adopted Max 9 years ago to help me get over losing my 14 year old Tammy. How quick have those 9 years gone? Yes it's completely normal to worry about your remaining dogs - I got very stressed when Bella had diarrhea a while ago as this is how it happened with Max. I was straight to the vets but she was fine. There are some days that are ok then the grief will hit you like a sledgehammer it is very difficult to get through and I wish you all the very best at this horrible time in your life.
rnj79

Registered:
Posts: 13
 #8 
What would I do without you all...

Today is 3 weeks that she became so ill. Monday will be 3 weeks since she left us. It is sooo hard!!

I keep hearing her toenails on the wood floor. I can hear her whimper.  Occasionally, I'll see her out the corner of my eye. Why does that happen?? I am beyond grateful to still have Boudreaux but am struggling with only having one doxie. I would be completely lost if I had none. Thank you, Jesus, for our animals.

To my sweet Abby Abby, I love you so very much and I miss you even more. I hope you know we never wanted any of this to happen. We tried so hard and were so hopeful you would pull through. I would do anything within my power to have you back!

~RNJ79
Monique3305

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #9 
I feel your pain. It is only 12 days since my Jackson was put to sleep here at our house. He was a 9 yr old Maltese that never left my side night or day.

In less than 6 days he became ill, got diagnosed with renal cancer and was terminal. I had 2 days at home with him before he left me .

It is so DARN HARD ! Giselle, my other dog who is 8 , is so mopey and sad ! I just find myself crying so many times when I am home....so many memories.

I pray that you and I are able to heal without our fur babies that meant so very much to us. Sometimes I feel like most people do not understand unless they have loved and had love from a wonderful pet.

Hugs....
Lynnsa

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #10 
It is indeed so very hard. I have no answers for you although I know it does get easier but it takes time. I am still raw with grief and would give anything to have him back but you guys know how that feels. One day we will all remember the good days and this pain will recede but early days for us I’m afraid. Take care 💗💗
Dogsarepeopletoo

Registered:
Posts: 106
 #11 
I had an "a-ha" moment when I read your questions about physical reactions. I get cold sores when I am very sick or am in the sun for too long without sunscreen. I am really good about sunscreen and haven't been sick in a long time -- but -- a cold sore popped up recently. It never occurred to me that it could be related to our dog's passing -- the lack of sleep, the stress, the anxiety.

I also have felt lethargic - it is likely due to the heat but I suspect it is also a lack of exercise and vigor. Annie was my motivation for walks; now it makes me sad to walk alone.


rnj79

Registered:
Posts: 13
 #12 


Monique3305
, Thank you for your kind words. I am so very sorry for your loss of Jackson. I hope you are doing "ok" today.

Abby started vomiting severely on Saturday morning, July 14th. SHe was having seizures by Saturday night (She had NEVER had one til then). She was diagnosed with a likely brain tumor and gone from this earth on Monday morning, July 16th. She was the sickest I had ever seen any living creature. And it all came out of nowhere.

Lynnsa, Some days are ok. Others are terrible. I hope today finds you well.

Dogsarepeopletoo, Absolutely caused by the emotional stress. I have also suffered from chronic migraines. They were triggered when our previous dachshund, Moe, was killed 8 years ago. My mouth ulcers and stress bumps have cleared, but the migraines have started.

Cry as much as you need to. And come here as much as time allows you to. There isn't a person here who doesn't understand.

~Today marks 3 very long weeks. My sweet Abby Abby, how can it be that this earth has gone on without you for 3 whole weeks???? I love you, my baby <3

~RNJ79


Pwazbinski

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #13 
I understand how all of you feel...I lost my precious cat pharaoh 4 months ago August 12....it doesn't get easier...take each day one day at a time...be gentle with yourself....I miss this precious little guy so much!!...his picture is near me where I sit on the couch where I can look into his beautiful eyes....I still have to do pharaoh's candle memorial ceremony....
Monique3305

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #14 
Thank you for your support. I am so heartbroken it is to hard to imagine.    Hugs !
rubiabel

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #15 
Rnj79,

I've just read your posts and I felt sooo identified with you. I lost my little chihuahua Mia almost two months ago. She was a rescued dog that arrived to my life three years ago. Two months after her adoption, she was diagnosed congestive heart failure and was on meds since. Ten days before she passed away, she underwent a complete medical checking and I was told that the CHF was under control. Like you, I keep replaying the last hours of her life, wandering if I could do things differently. I also feel guilty because I didn't realize how sick she was during the last hours. I was also in shock when I saw her little lifeless body, being unable to hold her and now I regret that moment and wish I could turn the clock back. I was completely sure that she could make it and return home with me. 

I've never imagined this could be so hard. I have lost pets before but she was my special dog and I miss her every single second. Some days I feel a bit better and, then, I think that I'm betraying her for feeling "OK". 

Like you, I have another dog. I've discovered myself observing her the whole time. I'm panicking thinking that I could loss her too. I run to the vet a few days ago because I saw a little lump on her skin that happened to be completely normal. 

I wander if one day I could move on and smile while thinking about my baby. 

It's extremelly helpful reading other people's post and realizing that I'm not alone. This page is amazing and  you all are fantastic people. 

Hugs... 
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