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Daisymom

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Posts: 65
 #1 
My stomach is in knots.  My Daisy has been gone for 6 weeks.  I adopted a puppy from a local rescue group 4 days ago.  I was very excited about having her the first day that I got her, but now the doubt and reality have set in. 

She is an absolutely adorable dog with an incredibly sweet disposition.  She is learning to walk on a leash.  She gets along with my cats.  She loves to snuggle and give kisses.  She is friendly to everyone she sees on the street.  I adore her, but I feel overwhelmed with the thought of having to take care of her.  I'm afraid it is going to be too much with my busy schedule.  I am hiring a mid day dog walker to take her out while I am at work.  On normal days, I spend at least an hour in the evening away from home if not more than that.  I worry that my being out so much is not good for this puppy.

I am off this week - had to do some house work and also thought it would be a good time to get a dog to let her get acclimated.  I think about next week when I go back to work and wonder how I'm going to fit it all in.

I wonder if I'm feeling this way because I'm still grieving for Daisy.  I also wonder if my lifestyle has changed to the point where I really shouldn't have a dog at all. 

For those dog owners out there - how often are you at home after work?

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I'm an emotional wreck.  I've been thinking about telling the rescue group that I will convert to a foster "parent" until she finds a new home.  I've also been thinking about giving it another week while I'm at work to see how it goes.
JasminesMom

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Posts: 440
 #2 
Dear DaisysMom:

First, my condolences on the loss of your furbaby.  Also, as far as your questions about the new puppy, I can relate to much of what you wrote. Three weeks after my dog Jasmine passed away, my kitty, Precious died too.  I was so overwhelmed with grief and also trying to help grieving children at home too.  Only a few days after Precious passed I responded to an ad for pups for sale and brought home a beautiful cocker mix puppy.  Like you at first I was excited and happy at the prospect and I guess in a way told myself I was doing this mostly for the children.

But as time went by and things started to settle down, I think the realization that our new pup was here because my Jasmine and Precious weren't started to sink in.  Like you I told myself I think I adopted too soon and found ways to try to distance myself I guess emotionally from her.  But in my situation I held on to the pup for the children's sake.

Guess what, as time went on I've come to not only love our puppy but she's truly captured my heart.  I've accepted her as a loving addition to our family and never viewed her as a replacement for all I've lost.

True, pets carry tremendous responsibility but I think while grieving it's easier to make excuses for why the new arrival won't work, etc.  Everyone feels different I think too but maybe you need to just give things more time.  You may find the new addition helps you in ways you just can't see at the moment.  As far as the time you're away, I think more important is the quality of the time you spend with the new pup.  It sounds as if you were able to find time for Daisy and loved her tremendously so you certainly sound like you should own a dog for sure.  As far as the timing, again maybe you can just ride things out for awhile.  Give yourself time to grieve for Daisy but try to keep your heart open to this new relationship that has found you.  I know I'm glad I did and my pup, AmyRose I think is all that saved me during this difficult year.  I hope for the same for you.  Take good care of yourself and know you are among friends here.

                         Hugs to you, JasminesMom (Kathy)


donna

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Posts: 227
 #3 
Hi Daisymom,

my first instinct for you would be to give it some time and see how you get on, you may be panicing because it is such a big change, and we all here know how sometimes things seem much harder while we are in grief than otherwise, so give it time before making a decision. 

Another thing is to see how well the puppy gets along with your cats over a longer time. We have a dog and 2 cats, and both me and my partner work full time, our dog Molly gets on so well with the cats, and they let her play with them and join in what they do, so I feel she is never lonely if we are out. My partner goes home at lunch and plays ball with her, which is similar to you getting a lunchtime walker. One or both of us are usually home during the evenings, and she gets taken to the park to run about too. Another consideration is the breed of dog, they are all very different and some will cope better than others with this situation, so thats another reason to give it a few weeks, see if she copes well with it or not.

I hope thats been of some help,
Donna
Meriam

Registered:
Posts: 1,234
 #4 
Dear Daisymom,


How wonderful to have a new companion to share your adventures with. In your post you did not say how you manage with Daisy. I think that you just need to give the new pup some time to adjust to your schedule.

My three Doxies when they are not with me know I will be home around three thirty every day, We go for a five mile walk and then I feed them. If I go out at night, they either come with ne or they watch TV and use the dog door.

When I got baby Kuggel, Silver and Mozart helped with his training.

Good luck with the new puppy and just let your heart lead you.

Meriam
kdclairmo

Registered:
Posts: 540
 #5 
Dear Daisy's Mom, first let me say how sorry I am about your loss of sweet Daisy and how hard it must be on you. Yes I am sure you are still grieving her loss and find it hard to live each new day without her with you any longer. I think it is great that you decided to adopt a new puppy and bring it into your home. I am sure it is not easy because you still miss your sweet Daisy but I think if you hang in there you will develop routine and that puppy will quickly find a new special place in your heart. She sounds like she is a sweetie and very eager to please. Maybe you feel overwhelmed with the new puppy because you feel like you are betraying Daisy?  I sure hope not. Daisy knew first hand what a wonderful mommy you are and she would want you to show that love to another. I would give it more time, especially since you are off this week and give it a few weeks to see how it all works out.  The dog walker will help and perhaps she will pick up on the housetraining thing quicker than you think. With our dogs my husband and I both work and they would usually be alone from at least 8 to 5pm or so sometimes a little longer depending on how bad traffic was. Now I work at home a few days a week so it is better but we have left them for 10 hrs at a stretch and they were fine when we got home.  I read somewhere that dogs have no sense of time, so you could be gone 15 min or 15 hours and they still act the same when you walk thru the door.  Hang in there and take care.

Hugs
Karen

TinysMom

Registered:
Posts: 124
 #6 
Honesty is the best policy so I'd say to let the rescue group know how you're feeling. As an animal lover- you only want what's best for the dog and if that means she should be adopted by another family- even though it would be hard- it may be the best thing. I would do just what you said- offer to foster her. Maybe now is just not the right time for a puppy. I think it's a combination of missing your baby and your busy schedule.It will be pretty hard to potty train her when you go back to work. You'll know in your heart what the best decision is. I work part time at night when my husband gets home so there has always been someone here for our dog Dewie. I'm so sorry your faced with this situation but in the end you will do what's best for your fur friend. Keep us posted on your decision.   TinysMom
Andee

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #7 
Daisymom,

How did Daisy do when you were not there? Will it be much different
for this puppy?  I'm just thinking you feel overwhelmed because it's
a puppy and more active. What a good idea to have the mid-day
dog walker. You know she's sweet and smart and she'll have a
safe loving home with you. I hope you keep her.

~~Andee
Lee

Registered:
Posts: 205
 #8 

Dear Daisy's mom....we were in that same position 2 months ago....my Tai-Chi went to the bridge 2/10/08 and on her 1 month anniversary, I was looking on petfinder for a dog that looked like my Tai ( which I always did, even when Tai was well, cuz I never saw another dog like her, she was a collie-chow)and what popped on my screen...a puppy with the same mix who looked like Tai...I took this as a sign and had to get her...well 2 months later she is still with us and will be until its her time to join Tai at the bridge...she has so many mannerisms of my Tai and that is a blessing....both me and my husband work all week...I work 12hrs a day....but when we are home its her time.....believe me puppies adjust to your schedule...she is just beautiful....give yourself some more time, and see how you feel...the fostering idea would be great...Tai-Chi's mom Lisa

Daisymom

Registered:
Posts: 65
 #9 
Thanks everyone for your responses. 

Many of you are lucky enough to have a spouse/partner/family to help in taking care of the dog.  I live alone (with 2 cats and now the puppy).  It concerns me that if I'm out for 10 hours at work, come home, and then head out to the gym for an hour and a half that the puppy will spend too much time in the crate.  I feel horribly guilty about that time away and I'm not willing to sacrifice my excercise for the puppy time - I feel this is an important part of being healthy.  Do you think that is too much time for a puppy to be alone? 

My dog was different since she was an adult and wasn't crated.  I know how important it is for a puppy to be socialized when she is young.  This is a fantastic puppy and I want the best for her.

I am also sort of concerned about what my friends and neighbors will think if I give her back.  They know I'm an animal lover and will think that I have lost it.  This is also causing me stress, but I'm trying to remind myself that what they think doesn't matter, that I need to focuse on the best for the puppy.

I think I will contact the rescue group and tell them my reservations and be totally honest.
Meriam

Registered:
Posts: 1,234
 #10 
The gym I go to has treadmill time for dogs and also during the summer, they have wadding pools set up so that our dogs can swim and socialize while we are doing other things in the gym.

Then morning and night, the Doxies and I get a five mile pull, walk, telephone pole wrap. So they get in a ten mile trot during the day. Kuggel is now free in the house, I also crated him when he was younger.

Good luck, I know how hard it is. My personal philosphy is that the boyz are my family and my responsibilty. I see to them first and then we do things together. You can find a way to make it work. The dog sitter at noon is great.

Meri
Lee

Registered:
Posts: 205
 #11 
Daisymom
Is there a doggy day care in your area, that will definitely help socialize the puppy and will also make the puppy sleep well...when I got my 2nd puppy who is a lab with alot of energy...she didn't do well in the crate and when left to roam the house she was destructive, I guess you can call it seperation anxiety, anyway I found a place called camp bow wow and enrolled her in it...she played all day.and was taken very good care of, and the best part is you can see your puppy on the computer as they have web cams in the play areas....I know going to the gym is very therapeutic and healthy( as me and my husband attend a gym also) now with the warm weather we do alot of our cardio with the our dogs instead of in the gym......just go with your heart, if you don't feel ready with having a new puppy in the house, then tell the shelter and maybe try the fostering...and the people who are your real friends will stand by you no matter what you decide....good luuck...Lisa
WooWooWoo

Registered:
Posts: 5,100
 #12 

Please give yourself some time.  You had so many positive things to say about his pup and you clearly are a great furmom.   I was single and worked up to 10 hours each day when I first got Betsy and Ralph, and they did very well.   I did check on them at lunch when I could, so I think a dogwalker will definitely help in your circumstances.

I personally would not mention this to the rescue group until you are sure you just want to foster. This is just my two cents worth and others may feel differently.  I have worked with a couple of rescue groups that have been pretty assertive about getting the dogs back the minute the new furparent expressed a bit of trepidation.   So, you may want to give yourself a little time.

Wishing you the best,
Melissa
Betsy's forever mom

WooWooWoo

Registered:
Posts: 5,100
 #13 
Oh, Daisy's Mom, I forgot to add that I got Betsy, my little terrier, to keep Ralph, my minpin, company because I knew he would be home alone most of the day (this was before such things as doggie daycare).  I never crated them as they were trained to use piddle pads when I was out and to potty outside when I was  home.  They had their own room (no carpet thank goodness!).  They had their open crates in the room and a place to sit where they could see out the window.  And, they never once complained!  :-)

Hugs,
Melissa
HerbiesMom

Registered:
Posts: 196
 #14 
My neighbors had a simiar situation.  They lost their 18 year-old beagle and a few weeks later got a beagle puppy because their young son wanted a dog.  They hid their grief from son after the death of their dog so that he would not be upset.    The difference between a very active puppy and thier old dog was pretty great.  As well, they did not have those same feelings for the new dog.

It's been nearly two years and they still cry and grieve deeply for their deceased dog.  But they also realize that any relationship, the feeling grow over time.  Our older pets that have been with us for so very long have weaved their way into our lives and deep into our hearts.  But getting anew pet does not replace them, and does not get rid of our grief.

I think if you understand that your love and grief for Daisy is what it is and is not changed by a new puppy you will rest easier.  And to know, too, that while it may at times be hard because a new pet is a constant reminder of what you've lost, you would still have those constant reminders in other ways.  So it really is like comparing apples to oranges.

Your new pet is a new personality and has a whole new set of needs requiring a completely different type of commitment. 

My neighbors now say that just in the past couple of months, they see their puppy really becoming part of the family.  I think that will happen for you, too, over time. 
I remember when my precious babies showed up and adopted me, I thought they were adorable, funny and "loved" them, but I could not have imagined that over the course of so many years, they would become such an important part of my life and that my heart would break like this when they died.  I used to just put out a big bowl of cheap cat food when I went away for a weekend and not worry about it.  As the years wore on, the food became better quality, the brushings, the vet visits, the care, the EVERYTHING, became a much bigger deal.

Puppies and kittens, like human children, change and grow and require different things over time and your relationship with them changes, too.

Your new pet will weave it's way into your heart and life over time, but will never be Daisy.  Yes, you may have adopted too soon, but you will feel worse if you give her back. 

So hang in there, be a good mama, and don't put so much pressure on yourself.  Just let things take their course.

Herbie and Belle's Mom
Daisymom

Registered:
Posts: 65
 #15 

Thanks everyone for you input and support.  Many of you have recommended that I give it some time with the new puppy.  What if I do that and I still decide that it is too much?  I'm afraid that I will feel even worse about giving her up and putting her through the stress of starting life in a new family.  Ugh!

kdclairmo

Registered:
Posts: 540
 #16 
Dear Daisy's Mom, As i said above in my previous post I do think you should give it a few more days at least to try to see how things work out with the new puppy. I totally agree with what Herbie's Mom said about how it is very different to going from having an older dog and your normal routine to a little spunky ready to go, very active puppy. I am sure you are still so deep in your grief from losing Daisy that a yippy puppy may get on your nerves when you feel sad and depressed and wished she was more like your Daisy. However with that being said, the puppy deserves a fair shot. There was something there when you decided to bring her home with you, a spark, a connection, etc. so see if that develops and don't feel so bad about leaving her for long stretches at a time. Use the dog walker, maybe a neighborhood kid could come and play with her while you are out. Perhaps not going to the gym everynight or trying to space it out on the weekends, etc. There are ways to manage. Then if you really feel in your heart that it is not working out then you could think about returning her to the shelter so that she may be adopted and loved by another family. You had said you were worried about what your friends and neighbors would think if you returned the puppy and hey who cares what they think. You can just tell them it was too much for you right now and you wanted to make sure that the puppy had the best home possible.  They have no right to judge you for that. Having a pet is a lifelong commitment and if you heart isn't really in it then it is so much better for the puppy to go to a new home. I sure hope that doesn't sound harsh as it certainly isn't meant to be. I am just trying to say you need to make the decision that is best for you and you alone and not worry about what anyone else thinks.

Hugs and keep us posted.

Karen
TinysMom

Registered:
Posts: 124
 #17 
Dear Daisy's Mom- Oh what a tough spot your in. You had mentioned before about fostering her in which case she'd be getting adopted by another family in the future. I know it's tough- you feel like your abandoning her but please don't feel that way. Dogs adapt probably better than we do.There are millions of animals that are adopted into new families where they thrive and are totally happy in their new homes. Just look at all the members here that have adopted from shelters or rescue groups- their fur babies became their best friends and part of their families. You'll know in your heart what is best. Don't make a decision based on what anyone else says or thinks. It's up to you and you only. You may very well choose to keep her in which case she will be loved and cared for by a great fur Mom. So no worries- whatever your decision is- I'm sure it will be with her best interest in mind. TinysMom
basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #18 
I adopted 3 weeks after losing my Basil.  Granted he is not a little puppy, he was about 14 months, but that is a lot different from a 19 or 20 year old little man.  My Bas was smaller than a cat, my Ben is at least 4 stone now with long kangaroo legs. 
I have only just started leaving him for half an hour at the most, and I have had him since January, but then I dont work whilst I am at home.  I go to the UK for my work about 4 times a year.  Ben will be going into the kennels next week whilst I am away, as my partner works.
My partner has said that he feels that we rushed in to getting another dog and tied ourselves down, having said that he absolutely adores Ben.  Here in Spain, we dont have the facilities for day care for dogs, so it is more difficult.
I can only say, go with your heart.  Forget what anybody else thinks, animals do adapt to our lifestyles.  Think how you feel with her there, and imagine the scenario if she wasnt.  I know that I could never be without Ben, but that is me, it doesnt mean that you are not a good person if you decide that she will be better off somewhere else.
Please think carefully, she sounds a darling, Di xxx
bdpringle

Registered:
Posts: 190
 #19 
Basil is so right, animals do adopt to our lifestyle and to your schedule. 

We adopted Orpheus when we knew Jade was fading, and with Orpheus around she did awesome for 6 months!  When Jade passed we adopted Emma.  Emma was hard for me to adjust too at the very first, and even though I slightly shunned her at first she still laid right beside me and we still bonded very well. 

Honestly, they don't care how much time you spend with him.  The little one will be happy with whatever time you give them. 

We crate all day while we are at work, which is about 10hrs, and they do really well.  Sometimes they do get crated again if we go out to eat or something.  Emma gets a little nerveous in her crate, so we gave her a blanket off our bed (smells like us) and a tennis ball and she does fab!  Leave it to a dog to have a tennis ball "security blanket!" 

Our dogs never adjusted to my husbands schedule they are pretty set on my schedule as I am the primary caregiver. 

Give it some time, and I'm sure everything will turn out fine.

Love & Hugs,
Daun



vintagelace

Registered:
Posts: 51
 #20 
Hi Daisysmom,

We both came to this site around the same time and I always check to see how you are doing. We have shared alot in the chat room together.

It's only been six weeks, but I feel that our babies that we have lost wouldn't want us
to be grieving for them. . .they want us to find another furbaby to love. They know how much happiness it brings into our hearts.

Oh Daisysmom. . .I know it's hard. I know Bailey would want me to find another puppy to bring hone, He knows how much joy they give me. Give it time. Everything will work out. Hope to see you in chat again to see how you are doing.

Baileys mom




Sadie

Registered:
Posts: 124
 #21 
Dear Daisy's mom,

I agree with many people who have already expressed that you should give it some time. You are still grieving for Daisy and that is normal. You are confused and that is understandable. My situation is very similar to yours. I adopted another dog just 2 months after my Sadie died from cancer. Then, a month later, I fostered another and kept her, too. I had not finished mourning when I adopted those dogs, but I am so glad I did. If I had given them away because I wasn't completely finished mourning, I would have felt that I had let them down. My grief of my dog was complicated with her long illness of cancer. I had much work to do with my grief before I was recovered. I do not know your situation, but I am concerned that if you give up this puppy, you might regret your decision and be worse off than you are now. Give it some time, and you will love your new puppy. You can never replace the love you had for Daisy, but you have plenty of love in your heart for this new puppy.

Daisymom

Registered:
Posts: 65
 #22 
Update for all who are wondering - Last Wednesday, I was home sick.  I had been on the fence about what to do about this little puppy for a week and a half.  On Wednesday, I took a look at her sweet face, and her wagging tail and I realized how happy she makes me.  I knew there was no way I could give her back.  I'm keeping her.

Thanks to everyone for your advice!
WooWooWoo

Registered:
Posts: 5,100
 #23 
Daisy's Mom

I am thrilled for you and for your new baby!  Your new pup has found a wonderful,loving forever home.   What a great update to receive on Mother's Day.

Hugs,
Melissa
Betsy's forever mom
gday

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #24 
Yeeeeeaaaaaaa!!!!!!  I'm so glad you are keeping her!  You brightened up my day today and I know you will be glad you kept her.  She is very lucky to have you for her Mom.  Happy Mother's Day to one special Mom!

By the way, what did you name her???

Hugs to you and your little baby,

Gina
Daisymom

Registered:
Posts: 65
 #25 

Oh yeah - her name is Dahlia (all of my furbabies are named after flowers).

ShilohGirl

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #26 
Daisymom it is always tough when making the transition from adult dog to puppy in the houe again. I understood your concerns but the little ones always find a way to wiggle into out hearts. I am glad that she is making you happy and I hope you two have a happy long life together.

Jennifer, Lowe the pup, Freedom the big sis and Shiloh my angel
Gruntsmomforever

Registered:
Posts: 699
 #27 
Dear Daisymom,

Bless your heart, you are honoring your precious Daisy in a supreme way, and how more perfect that it should be Mother's Day to make the announcement!!  Somehow I have a little inkling that your Daisy girl had her paw in this!!

Welcome to your foreverhome, little Dahlia!  You are such a lucky little girl.

Happy Hugs,

Katharine, Grunt's Mom Forever


katebock

Registered:
Posts: 686
 #28 
Oh, I'm so happy for you and little Dahlia.  I just know that Daisy guided your heart because she knew how much you and Dahlia needed each other.  Dahlia will never replace your sweet Daisy, but she will have her own special place in your heart.

Smiles and hugs
Kate (Gus' mom)

P.S. If you have a chance, post of picture of your new girl.  I'd  love to see her
Andee

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #29 
Daisymom,

What wonderful news!!!!  Welcome little Dahlia!!!  I'm so glad you're
keeping her.  I'm sure Daisy is smiling, too!

~~Andee
Meriam

Registered:
Posts: 1,234
 #30 
Hello,

The Hershala sent news that Daisy was racing around the bridge telling everyone about Dahlia. All of us here in the Big Sky Country are very happy that the pup has a loving. forever home. Baby Kuggel is now six months old and just a joy to me, his fur brothers Silver and mozart.

Welcome little Dahlia, give your mom a run for her money as puppies are supposed to do.

Hugs and best wishes,

Meriam, Silver. Mozart and baby Kuggel
goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,199
 #31 
Daisymom,

I am so happy that you decided to keep Dahlia! Although I only have cats, I understand some of what you were going through as you agonized whether to keep or return Dahlia. Bringing a new cat into your home is nowhere near the shock to the household that it is when you bring home a new puppy. But I do understand some of why you questioned your decision to keep Dahlia. When I lost my kitty Blackie I brought Squeeker, another cat, home, just 2 days after Blackie died. Squeeker's adoption contract said I had a 30 day window in which to return Squeeker, no questions asked. Rufus, my other cat, had a hard time adjusting to Blackie's death and for the first couple of weeks I watched as he struggled to come to terms with Blackie's death as well as the shock of having another cat in the house. That 30-day window was constantly in the back of my mind as I watched Squeeker and Rufus (especially Rufus) get used to each other.

But about 3 weeks after I brought Squeeker home I just looked over at Squeeker and saw how happy he was to have a forever home. I realized we had already bonded with each other and that it would be so very unfair to him - and probably to Rufus - if I were to return him to the rescue group. So I kept him and I'm glad I did. I know he is happy with me and I don't regret bringing him home with me and making him part of my household.

Hugs and best wishes to you and your precious Dahlia, I look forward to hearing many stories of your lives together!

Kelly
Blackie's mommy



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