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wxlf

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Posts: 3
 #1 

It has almost been a day since your last breath. I keep thinking your head will pop up behind our back door, wanting to come inside. Mom keeps the back light on just in case you come home. Zach sleeps with your collar while I sleep with your blanket that smells like you. Our home feels empty without you here. I feel like I am going crazy.  I expect to hear your steps, I expect you to be there to greet me whenever I come home. 

I want to be where you are.

It seemed humane to put you down but I wish I could have held you a minute longer, gave you one more kiss.  But you were hurting and God wanted you back by his side. Sadly, you took a big piece of me with you when you left us. A piece I never will get back.
Soon, when it is my turn to cross Rainbow Bridge, I know you will be waiting for me there, with your tail wagging and eyes full of life. 

You were the smartest dog I ever had. We were blessed to have you in our family, and you will always be in our hearts.

I love you so much Tobi. 

-

On June 22nd, we found our 10 year old, Toy Poodle/Papillion baby not moving or eating. He was awake and would react when we called him. I knew by the way he looked at me that it was time. We were in denial and hoping it was something medicine could fix. We made an emergency trip to the vet's office. 
Tobi was brave, he was calm the whole time in the vet but maybe he was too weak because he was an anxious dog naturally. I prefer to think he was a brave boy. Anyways, we finally received the results of his x-rays and ultrasound. It was horrible news, they found multiple small masses throughout his tiny body and one big one in his chest. I blanked out after I heard what the vet was saying, but I remember hearing that it was causing internal bleeding.The vet said they can do surgery on him but considering his current state, he wouldn't make it through the surgery. My heart was crushed, I knew what the vet was trying to say. We had to put our baby down. The vet left us alone and we needed to make a decision when would be best. It was so short noticed as the day before he was fine. He was running around and being Tobi. We weren't prepared. It was too cruel to keep him alive for another day just for us. He wasn't eating, using the washroom or even moving. My brother and I decided it was best to put him to sleep that day. For some reason we were sitting on the floor with him to hobble around. At first he just stood there, then all of the sudden he walked over to me on the opposite side of the room and looked at me. I saw that he was ready. I held his head in my hands and sobbed as I gave him multiple kisses. 
Soon, the vet returned and we told her our answer. We asked if we could go outside and spend our final moments with him. The vet let us stay after closing time as we said our goodbyes. I never felt so desperate to feel him, the way his air filled his little lungs and mesmerized the little movements he made. I wish I had more time. I gave him so many kisses and told him he will be alright. I thanked him for being a good boy and that we all loved him. 
It was time to put our baby boy down. 
We carried him in with a blanket from home and returned back to the room. The vet came in and prepared him. Before she injected him, I held his head in my hands one last time and gave him one more kiss. My last words were, "You did a good job and you can go." along with good boy's. 

and then... he was gone. 

-

Its only been a day and my heart is shattered. We have written letters to him and sent them to heaven by balloon. I later went for a late night walk where we would usually take him and I noticed the biggest and brightest star in the sky. I believe that was him, he was letting me know that he made it. I cried but also smiled a bit. I spoke out loud and sat there for almost a half an hour. When I finally said goodbye, the star faded and I began sobbing. 
I don't think I will ever be able to heal from this. He was my baby. My world. and now...there's nothing. This house and empty and I keep thinking he's there. I sleep with his blanket he kept in his little kennel and it smells so much like him. These heavy waves of grief make me feel desperate. I need to hold him. I need him to be here with me. As I am typing this I keep looking over to where he would sit on my bed and about to reach out to pick him up and there is nothing. All I can do is sob and hold onto nothing. I feel like my life has been thrown into a dark pit and I can't get out. We are grieving as a family but the nights are the loneliest. I don't know what I am going to do about work. I already missed my weekend shifts and I feel like I'm pushing it. I know I won't be able to pull through the day and I honestly don't want to break down at work. I don't know what to do. 
My biggest regret was maybe we should have took him home for one last night. Create final memories and longer goodbyes. But I also think he was suffering and it would have been selfish. I'm conflicted. Did we make the right decision?

-

Thank you for reading such a long post. It's 3:35 am and I'm holding his blanket and trying to comfort myself. Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes.

cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #2 
Tobi, is safe and healthy again. He knows you did the bravest thing we can do when our babies need to be let go. I know it doesn't help the pain and anguish you are feeling. There is nothing to prepare us for the emptiness and grief. As I read what you wrote I can feel all the love you and your brother gave to Tobi and he returned that love to you.
From what you wrote you did do the right thing even as much as it hurts you deep inside. We fur parents are left to help our babies in the end. They give us so much and ease our sorrows everyday of their lives. They listen to our complaints and lick away the tears. When we let them go, the pain is unbearable and we just wish for their enduing comfort to help us. Please find comfort in knowing Tobi is still around you. His spirit lives on and will always be near you. We can't see them but they are there. Remember, it's not the final memories that will stay with you but the whole journey you made and shared with Tobi. Later, when you've grieved some you will start to remember all the memories and smile a little at first. As your heart heals those smiles will be bigger and the tears will lesson.
Sleep with his blanket, embrace the comfort it gives you. Cry all you need to.
I too felt as you did when I let my Termy go. It's been nine months and I still miss him. I have his favorite toy on my bed post and I hold it and cry on the bad nights. I haven't put any of his things away because I find comfort in seeing them. Do what makes you feel better, no matter if it sounds silly. This is what we need to do in order to find our new normal in life.
It sounds to me that you did a very good job of being there for Tobi, in the end. He felt your love and saw you as he closed his eyes one last time. He wasn't alone, he was with those that loved him best.
Come here often for support and understanding. Everyone here has been where you are now.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
wxlf

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #3 
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. Recently, things are getting more bearable. Your little Termy is probably showing my boy around up there. 😉
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