Registered: 1152849614 Posts: 607
6 years have gone by since I last held you.
This has been a very difficult post to write. It's funny that the tears are already stinging my eyes at just the idea of writing this. I've been putting it off for as long as I can because I know once I open up myself to the pain of her loss that it will crush me, yet I must because of “her.” Most days I am able to manage the grief, to keep it in check, but it is always there, just below the surface. Over the years I have learned to avoid the triggers that open up the flood gates: songs, movies, greeting cards, and even certain tv commercials. I have to brace myself every year for Halloween because the word “spooky” is everywhere. I have to constantly keep up my shields or else the grief will consume me. Some people over time find comfort in memories and photos, but I don't have that luxury. I have to block out her memory just to get through the day. I can not allow myself even the briefest happy thought about her because right behind it is the crushing pain of her loss, and photos only serve to remind me of how young she was when I lost her and how much her death has altered my life. My husband knows to not even mention her name in my presence because the minute I hear her name out loud, I am overwhelmed by the grief I so desperately keep pushed down. Most days I am able to get on with life without the grief, but today it's important that I allow myself the go to that place where my world stopped and allow myself to mourn her and everything I lost the dreadful day in April.... today I go back to hell.
It has been 6 years since I lost her, my dearest Spooky-girl; a little black poodle of only 8 lbs. Oddly, I wasn't supposed to love her like this. We got Spooky as a companion for our other dog Bijou, who was spending too many hours alone while my husband and I worked longer and longer hours. She was supposed to be for Bijou, not for me, but she wiggled her way deeply into my heart and soul.
She was only a year and a half old and still very much a puppy when she passed. Spooky died during a routine trip to the groomer, so her death was very unexpected and a shock from which I will never recover. I have never allowed myself to blame the groomer, but today it feels like I sent her to an executioner. The cruelty of it all being that I happily handed Spooky over, joyously anticipating how cute she would look with a fresh haircut. I lost more than just Spooky that day, I lost a part of myself that I will never be able to get back.
Bijou is still with me and he has 2 “sisters” Diva and Lacy whom have done a world of good to help heal my heart. I dread that inevitable day that I will have to say goodbye to each of them. Each is so special and while my love for them is different, it is no less intense. They are not "like" my children, they ARE my children. I hate taking pictures of them because I know that I am taking them to prepare for their passing. Special moments bring tears to my eyes because I know I will have to one day block them out in order to deal with the pain of their loss someday.
But through all this I have endured. I am able to get up and function everyday without out anyone knowing the secret pain that dwells beneath the surface. Tomorrow at work I will explain the puffy and red eyes as an allergy attack and no one will be the wiser. Tomorrow I will once again have control over my emotions and smile and laugh.
But today, I mourn...
Registered: 1191007658 Posts: 230
i am so sorry for your loss. spooky was absolutley adorable....... may god keep spooky safe in his loving arms as she plays at the rainbow bridge..... arthursmom
Registered: 1205715660 Posts: 763
I read your post and tears came to my eyes. I understand about having to try to block out memories, avoid triggers. It is a survival technique we humans learn so we can continue to function. Your post is a lovely tribute to your darling Spooky and I am sure it was very, very hard for you. And I do understand that you
had to do it because you still love that little doll so much! Best wishes for peace and comfort. Donna, Mr. Meowgy's mom
Registered: 1194492978 Posts: 5,100
Oh, SpookyWolf, I am typing through my tears. I could sense the utter agony you still feel when you remember that last day with Spooky. Was there an accident at the groomers or did she pass naturally? It is so horribly tragic to lose one so very young.
Oh, what joy this beautiful little girl brought into your life. And, what a mark she made on your heart. I join with you in celebrating this awesome little girl's life. Spooky knows your heart. She is still with you, I promise. A loving bond like the one you two shared can never be broken. Sending my hugs and condolences, Melissa Betsy's forever mom
Registered: 1200561771 Posts: 251
I can hear the pain in your words. I am so sorry for your pain. Although it has been so long since your baby passed, your miss your Spooky more and more each day. She was your soulmate, I can so relate to that. Sometimes they just get under your skin huh? and your form and unbelievably pure and beautiful connection. Spooky loves you and misses you. YOu meant the world to her too. She is a gorgeous angel. Be kind to yourself today Spookywolf. I am sending you a cuddle. Nuggetsmum Alana
Registered: 1203608651 Posts: 1,234
My sympathy to you. Spooky was just adorable. It was a heart warming touching tribute that you wrote for her.
Peace as you go through the mourning process.
Registered: 1205159567 Posts: 1,015
Oh Spookywolfe – Your baby is just so sweet and I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you continue to feel. We have these incredible angels in our lives for what feels like a split second of time. Their presence is a true blessing; to know that they gave us their all, no matter how long they were with us. Know that your sweet little girl is in your heart and she will be forever. Warm hugs today. Rusty’s Mom.
Registered: 1152802356 Posts: 1,014
Dear, dear SpookyWolfe,
It doesn't matter how long it's been, does it? Their place in our hearts never fades, never disappears, and when we are reminded that we can no longer physically see them or cuddle them or talk to them, the place in our hearts becomes painful and sharp all over again. You have offered incredible support and consolation in Spooky's name and memory, and she lives on this board, even for those of us who never knew her on this earth. You have created a beautiful memorial of love through your efforts here and your sensitive compassion. Spooky is surely proud of her mother. But, yes, you still mourn, and we mourn with you.... Many hugs to you, Barb maxandhazel.com
Registered: 1157206612 Posts: 1,604
My memory isn't good, but I believe you and I came here at about the same time; I remember your early posts about your beloved Spooky and the heartbreak of her unexpected transition. I understand how the pain can well up; I just heard, on the computer, I song that reminded me of my beloved Merlin - and the tears came as I heard the words and gazed out at his grave. You are not alone. The pain can recede, but it can also well back up. We here all understand that. I wish there were magic words to ease that pain for you, but, as you know, there are none. Try to remember that all is well with your beloved Spooky, that she's cuter than ever, and happier than ever, and that you *will* be reunited. A few flowers for you. . .
Registered: 1204786493 Posts: 131
What an adorable baby!!! Oh my heart aches for you. Not only can I imagine your grief but I feel it myself. I, too, lost the love of my life in such a way - I dropped him off at the vet for a simple procedure expecting to pick him up & bring him home in an hour - only to return to be told he died unexpectedly. I know the shock. For over a week every nerve in my body trembled. It's only been 8 weeks for me, and the sadness is overwhelming and I know I will never get over this. He was my whole world, he was my child, my only child. I cry every day, I cry when I look at his pictures. I think of him constantly. I feel so guilty for leaving him with a stranger. It wasn't his regular vet as we were in a different state at the time. I wonder at times if this happened to us because we loved them too much. I wonder if somewhere in there we are to learn something from this. Maybe it leads us here to help others, our purpose in life? I don't know. I do know we are overwhelmed with sadness and it will always be. ~~Andee
Registered: 1207424571 Posts: 57
I am so sorry you're going through this. That was a very beautiful post and a wonderful tribute to Spooky. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since I lost my buddy Sparky, and even though people keep saying "time heals" I know it will never be the same. You honored Spooky in your post and it really was heartwarming and painful all at the same time. I wish you well. SparkysDad (David)
Registered: 1157392046 Posts: 1,040
I'am so sorry for your loss of sweet Spooky,I'am like you I can not keep my emotions in check,I cry over my Sammy Sus who's been at the bridge for 4 yrs. I found some of her fur caught in her collar I kept,and I started crying I left the fur there in her place in the curior cabinet.Your Spooky is a little doll how adorable. know my heart and thoughts are with you today as you grieve for your Baby Spooky. Hugs& Kisses to both. JoAnn Sammy Sus's Mom
Registered: 1198872932 Posts: 1,205
Your little girl is just so cute. What a terrible, tragic thing to have happened. I really dont know how you managed to get through it.
She will always be in your heart, as you in hers. We are here for you, Much love, Di Peace, Love and Light. xxx
Registered: 1194654202 Posts: 881
My spirit is with you on this sad day. Little Spooky was so very young and it sounds like a very tragic day 6 years ago. It must seem like a hundred years ago and yet again only yesterday that she was with you.
May the comfort of knowing that her spirit only lives on provide you with some peace. Donna
Registered: 1199379551 Posts: 190
My heart goes out to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. ~~ "Those we have held in our arms for a little while, we hold in our hearts forever." ~~
Registered: 1207026279 Posts: 699
Dear SpookyWolfe,We are here for you as you have always been here for us.
Your post touched me profoundly. I sat here and sobbed when I read, and looked at the pictures of your sweet little doll, Spooky. I am deeply sorry for your loss of your precious baby girl 6 years ago. Time does not take away your need to mourn. The ache rises up and it simply must come out, and you must speak out about her and what she meant to you and what losing her has done to your life, your heart and soul. Everything you wrote resonated and felt so achingly familiar. Love, Katharine, Grunt's Mom Forever
Registered: 1185992427 Posts: 613
Dear SpookyWolfe....and we are mourning right along with you for your beloved fur baby.... sending you hugs across the miles, MsSavion p.s. I am now going to write my 9 month memorial to my precious golden girl.
Registered: 1185992427 Posts: 613
p.s. Dear SpookyWolfe, your post was terribly hard for me to read, and I cried all the way through...for your pain, and for understanding all too well the agony of carrying around the grief silently. We lost our furry bundles on the same day, not the same year, but we will be memorializing them together until we are reunited with them. I am fearful of bringing a new baby into my home (which I plan to do this summer), for the very reasons that you mentioned...taking photos to remember them when the inevitable occurs. The hole in my heart is still so raw from the loss of Nike, that I don't know what will happen when I have to go through this again. Thank God for petloss, knowing our babies are safe and together is so comforting. Thinking of you on this sad day.....Hugs from Houston, MsSavion
Registered: 1203608651 Posts: 1,234
Hello Spooky Wolfe and Mssavion,
Tomorrow is 11 years that Maedy had been at the Bridge, Silver was but a puppy when she left the two of us. With the passing of her Grandma, now almost 8 years ago, come October, Silver is the last link to any human family. Upon his demise, an era will end. He pestered Maedy and she in her old age tolererated the pest. Now Silver is 11 and he has helped raise three puppies. First Hershey who he adored, then Mozart and now baby Kuggel. Oh what a weepy crew we are tonight. I am mourning both Maedy and Hershey.
Please each of you find peace in your hearts.
Meriam, Silver, Mozart and Kuggel
Registered: 1159344737 Posts: 199
So many many moons have come and gone now since that fateful day we met Lady Di the SpookyWolfe.
How i remember the wolf called Magic and i taking pains to make the spirits of Pooky, Troubles and Tasha come to take lil Spooky over that special bridge. It does not seem to ever get easier does it? The waves of sorrow hit us quite often, even though we have been around for awhile. Please know that my heart is with you and my hands reach out with love, and my shoulder although continuously wet is still around. May the gentle wind called peace whispers sweet words of love into your listening ears. bb lobowolf don
Registered: 1174875149 Posts: 2,245
Dear Spooky Wolfe:
I read your post and it absolutely broke my heart. Additionally it hit home for me as I know six years from now I will be in the same pain and be here just like you are, writing to my Precious Angel Christopher. Christopher has been gone for over 13 months and I still cry for him every day and I know that I will Forever. There are those certain babies who steal our hearts and take our souls with them when they leave. Spooky is absolutely adorable and I am sure that she misses you too. You are in my Prayers. Big Hugs Georgeann and Christopher Forever
Registered: 1152849614 Posts: 607
Well, I survived the day and I am extremely glad that it is over. I am so profoundly grateful and overwhelmed by your support. This site has been a true life line for me, and I honestly don't know how I could cope without you all. Whether you've been here 10 years or 10 minutes, we all share a bond, and I appreciate every single word that you all wrote. I also appreciate the silent prayers sent by those who read this post, but weren't up to commenting. Just knowing that you took the time to read and send a positive thought my way really made a difference and helped me get past this anniversary. Thank you all for being there for me.
Registered: 1157268148 Posts: 555
Dear Spooky Wolfe, Many hearts care and many hands reach out to touch yours at this special time of remembrance of your sweet Spooky. Let not the time of remembering be of pain but rather of pride in the spirit that now soars free at Rainbow Bridge. Though the time on earth was so sadly short the profound impact Spooky made on you and all who have met you since that day will live on always. In all you have done and will do the bond with that special soul has brought you to what ever height you have reached. We each one are a product of all who come into our lives. Each has a reason for being a part of our existence and each brings with them something we learn and grow from. Spooky taught you much as have all of our fur angels. Walk tall and proud for learning lessons well. Love and Peace, AurichWolf Kathy Let Me Teach you As I walk through life with you. There are things that I must do. Teach you how to love like me. Show you beauty as I see. Loving those in life we meet. Giving kisses oh so sweet. Showing love is life's great joy. Simply playing with a toy. Sniff the rose on summers day. Watching butterflies at play. Falling leaves on autumns breeze. Cascading from the swaying trees. Winters chill brings hugs so warm. Arms that keep us safe from harm. Followed by another spring. Sounds of birds that sweetly sing. These things matter most you see. They have no price for they are free. Never Ending life and love. Gifts freely given from above. Natures beauty loves sweet song. These will help us both be strong. Take us through the darkest days. Bring us back to suns warm rays. © Aurichwolf aka Katie 2008
Registered: 1197839779 Posts: 1,328
Sorry for your loss.
Registered: 1157342062 Posts: 2,719
Dear Dianne, I remember your Spooky when I first came to petloss. My Miss Dallas went to the bridge 10-26-02 and it will be six years for her in Oct. I know how much you still miss her. I miss Dallas still, so very much, but fortunately for us, we recover from that initial gut wrenching pain and go on to put our hearts right back out there.
I hope the 29th was filled with wonderful memories of your life with Spooky. Love, Diane
Registered: 1182464308 Posts: 71
Dear Spooky Wolfe, Your darling Spooky is such a little gem.I am so sorry you still feel the pain and heartache so much.These little furbabies do become part of our lives and families and we can never forget them. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Love and (((Hugs))), Margaret
Registered: 1197250967 Posts: 258
Oh, what a beautiful girl your Spooky was! And how my heart goes out to you and understands your grief. These little ones just wiggle their way right into our hearts - like it or not - and oh how we do come to like it! They give us such warmth and love! I cried as I read of your tragic loss; it is so hard to think how a day could begin so happily and carefree and then just turn so very wrong. The memories can be so painful for some of us. I loved my Max with all of my heart, but at this point, my memories of him do not bring me peace...they break my heart all over again. I understand how this could still be the case for you, even after so many years. It seems like, with grief, the years are sometimes like no more than a moment, but the moments can sometimes feel like years. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May the love of your babies Bijou, Diva, and Lacy continue to heal your heart. Many Hugs, MaxsMom