Registered: 1212000007 Posts: 8
Two weeks ago I found out that my one-year-old little baby boy Darryl was in kidney failure. I gave him a life for eleven months, and on Monday I took his life away. I don't know how I will go on without my little cross-eyed nugget. I miss him so much.
I wish I could hug all of you. I wish I could hug my baby.
Registered: 1184112093 Posts: 192
I am so sorry about Darryl. it is so unfair, for him to be gone at such a young age. but even tho he had a short life, it was a wonderful one with you.that is what matters the most. so many animals are unloved, neglected, etc. and even tho they may have long lives, they may not be the best lives. you two made the most of your brief time together. I lost my dog Oscar ( a bichon) last year from cancer, I was lucky enough tho to have him 13 years. still miss him so much. again, my condolences
Registered: 1206744372 Posts: 174
I am so sorry for your loss. Darryl was so young and that makes it even harder to accept. My kitty Sherry was 14 but she also died of kidney disease while another of my cat who is much older had the disease but it was caught early on and he's doing Ok. This is no consolation but maybe little Darryl was born with a genetic tendency for this rapid onslaught in such a young kitty. No matter the circumstances any and all loss of these precious creatures that we are blessed to have loved and who love us so unconditionally our time with them is never enough.
Hugs and I hope you keep coming to petloss for there is a lot of support here from people who are going through and or have gone through this loss also. Rena (Sherry and Daisy's mom)
Registered: 1210885549 Posts: 45
I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful cross eyed babe. Darryl is a total doll! Today its been 2 weeks since i have lost Savanna, my constant companion. i still can't believe my angel is gone. Your baby knows how much you loved him. we should count our blessings that they came into our lives and brought us such joy. Hang in there, this site is a blessing that has helped me so much as it will you. you and Darryl will be in my thoughts and prayers. your friend, Elaine
http://www.savanna.critters.com/ I believe cats to be sprits come to earth. A cat could walk on a cloud without coming thru. Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. Kahlil Gibran
Registered: 1175185691 Posts: 104
I am so sorry for your loss of Darryl. You haven't took his life away - you have ended his suffering. Kidney failure can be horrible, I recently lost Fred to it. He was wasting away and didn't have much of a life, sat staring at the wall and couldn't tell me if he was in pain or toxins were confusing him, as much as I tried to keep him alive and help , I think I was selfishly doing it because I didn't want to lose him.
I lost Pip in 2004 she was two and died indoors of a stroke or heart failure. One minute she was fine, next she was gone. It really is so unfair to lose one so young as you have. I know how you feel. I was very sad, and very angry that she was taken - my little friend who never harmed anybody and deserved a long pampered life. You will go on with time, it will get easier to bear - Darryl had love in his life and his passing - thats why you did it - out of love. There will be a time in the future when you can remember Darryl fondly and not just sadly ... you will be grateful to have known him at all and be grateful that you dealt with his illness and that he didn't get ill and skulk off by himself to pass away like cats often do. I think not knowing is worse. I am grateful that Pip went how she did now. Thanks for the photo, he is beautiful and his cross-eyes add to his charm and uniqueness!! Daryll is now at peace, knew love and would want the same for you. Hugs from Europe.
Registered: 1194492978 Posts: 5,100
I am so very sorry you have lost your young, beloved little companion, Darryl, to that BLASTED renal failure. It is just so unfair. Your photo of Darryl is simply beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. Didn't that little crossed eye make him even more special?!! I can only imagine how much you are missing him. My heart goes out to you. Please tell us more about your sweet boy, when you feel up to it. It is so horribly painful in the beginning, that I know it is hard to write much. We will be here for you when you feel like sharing more. Hugs and prayers, Melissa Betsy's forever mom
Registered: 1208278231 Posts: 199
I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy, Darryl. What a horrible thing to lose your young angel like that.
I am truly very sorry. I'll keep you and your beautiful little angel in my prayers. Big HUG, Piggy's Mom
Registered: 1212000007 Posts: 8
Thank you so much for your thoughtful messages. It really helps a lot!
At the same time I am finding it impossible to believe that there is anyone else on Earth that could possibly be as sad as I am right now...it's comforting to know that there is. Thank you! Laine xoxo I miss you nugget! I miss you so much! Please come back to me! I LOVE YOU!!!!!
Registered: 1199856214 Posts: 774
What a truly magnificant, majestic, regal cat Daryl is. I am so sorry you lost him at such a tender age. Renal disease is a bad way to go and if he was so young, then there could have been no good outcome. You did the only thing you could do for him. He does look like an angel you know. Don't forget that even though he is not on this earth the way we are he is still with you in spirit and you'll never be alone. Just look at him, you know he doing greatness somewhere.
Registered: 1186076154 Posts: 272
I am so very sorry for your loss. How sad. I know your pain and I can't say how sorry I am. It will be a year that I lost my beautiful boxer of 13 1/2 years and the pain is still so sharp. No matter what their age is when they leave us the pain is so great. I am so sorry for your loss
Registered: 1182281874 Posts: 540
Laine, I am so sorry about your beautiful boy Darryl and for losing him at such a young age. He was lucky to have you to love and take care of him the last 11 months and you were there for him when he needed you the most.. to make the decision to let him go because he was sick. It is amazing the bond that we can make with our precious furry ones, it doesn't really matter how long you have had them whether a day, a few days, a year, or 20, the love we have for them and with them is all the same and it hurts like heck when we lose that. In a few weeks it will be one year since I said goodbye to my 17 yr old Peanut and I dread it with a passion. I miss her every single second of every day and the pain of her loss is always with me. When she took her last breath I felt like a piece of me died right along with her and I haven't felt the same since. The sadness is always there. Someone once said on here, "Sorrow is the price of love" and how true that is. We take on our babies pain for them and release them from it and because we love them so much we endure it for them. They are happy and carefree at the Bridge and we are left here to mourn. I do hope your pain and sadness eases with time. Be gentle with yourself. I think that when you are ready you need to welcome another precious kitty into your life in tribute to Darryl because you obviously are a wonderful furparent.
Registered: 1197839779 Posts: 1,328
Sorry for your loss of Daryl. He was such a cutie. Too young for this. Take care.
Registered: 1212106181 Posts: 12
I am so sorry for your loss of Darryl. He was a beautiful cat. I lost my 21 year old cat 4 years ago to renal failure. It IS a terrible disease and I am glad that your young cat did not have to go through a long suffering disease. If I could do it over again, I would have put my girl down much sooner. Dayna
Registered: 1198872932 Posts: 1,205
I am so sorry that you have had to let your baby go. It is so hard at any age, but when they are so young it just seems so unfair. I think that he is a very special soul, and so only needed to touch the earth for a little while. We all know how you feel, we are all here for you. We all have paw prints embedded in our hearts forever. May you find peace. Love, Di xxx
Registered: 1212167293 Posts: 62
I'm so sorry for the loss of your Darryl. What an adorable kitty he was! Take care.
Registered: 1207026279 Posts: 699
My deepest sympathy to you, and I share in your sadness - your baby Darryl has such lovely markings, and that sweet face probably got a lot of kisses. I'm so sorry you lost him so young. Please come back, you don't have to be alone, we are here for you. Sending hugs, Katharine, Grunt's Mom Forever
Registered: 1212000007 Posts: 8
I'm sorry that kidney disease is so sneaky and had I realized the symptoms earlier, could have tried to help you sooner.
I'm sorry that the reason for your kidney disease remains unknown.
I'm sorry that I did not want you to be away from home at night so I did not take you to a 24-hour facility for 24-hour IV fluids but instead only took you in for two and a half days of IV fluids so you could be with me at night. I will never know if the 24-hour facility would have made a difference.
I'm sorry that we did not inquire about dialyses or a kidney transplant because I did not want to put you through that. Because you were so young, you might have had a chance to be with me longer.
I'm sorry that you were not feeling well Sunday night and Monday morning. I'm sorry that the last thing you ate Monday morning was yucky medicine because I thought that your tummy was bothering you.
I'm sorry that you looked so sad Monday morning and I thought it was time to let you go. And even though you looked perky and alert sitting in your donut on the way over, I took your life anyway.
I'm sorry that I could not bear to part with you to have you cremated - not knowing if they would be nice to you - not knowing if it would really be you returned to me. I'm sorry that instead you are in the cold ground all by yourself.
I'm sorry that I cut off pieces of your fur and some of your whiskers before laying you to rest. I hope that you were not embarrassed when you met Emily, Norman, and Newman for the first time - but you will see that I did the same thing to them as well.
I'm sorry that you have to watch Chuckie and Larry eat their treats and their dinner - knowing that those were your two very favorite times of day.
I'm sorry for making you go to the vet every other day for the past two weeks - sometimes two or three days in a row.
I'm sorry that I cannot give you pieces of chicken - knowing how excited you'd get because you loved it so much.
I'm sorry if I fed you too much protein instead of the kidney food in the end - wanting to make sure that you would eat - even if it wasn't what was best for you.
I'm sorry that you were born with an eyelid issue - little eyelashes touching your eyes - wishing I would have had the corrective procedure done last year to remove those pesky eyelashes - they did not seem to bother you, and you were so good about letting me put ointment in your eyes twice daily.
I'm sorry that you saw me sad for so many days.
I'm sorry that I was always in your face for the past two weeks - always checking on you - always trying to comfort you and give you kisses - always trying to get you to eat - always following you around keeping an eye on you - I know that I was getting on your nerves.
I'm sorry that the anemia made you want to eat dirt and kitty litter but I wouldn't let you.
I'm so sorry for so many things little boy, but most of all I am so sorry that your life was so short and that you are not here with me.
I know how much you love me despite all that I am sorry for.
I know that you know how much I absolutely love with you with all of my heart...my broken heart.
How badly I want to scoop you up and give you hugs and kisses on your cute little face.
I love you baby. I love you so much.
Registered: 1157206612 Posts: 1,604
It's so easy to beat ourselves up after the fact, as you are doing. Kidney disease is a very sneaky thing - I should know, having lost two cats to it. Dialysis, as far as I know, is not being performed on cats; it's way too difficult to get them to be still for the hours that it takes. Kidney transplants are being done, but even that is not the panacea that we would like; as my vet said, you are obligated to adopt the donor cat, so you then have two cats with just one kidney, one of whom must get anti-rejection medicined every single day for the rest of his life, which won't be as many years as you may think.
You did the very best that you could, and there's absolutely nothing for which to be sorry. As for cutting some fur and whiskers - when our furkids arrive at the Bridge, they are absolutely perfect. All of Darryl's whiskers and fur are there, as are my Morganna's tail and leg. Darryl is absolutely happy, but it's incredibly sad that he was with you for such a short time. It's hard enough to have them leave when they're old and failing from the years, but so much harder when they're so young. However, the length of time on Earth has nothing at all do to with the love that is shared; you are Darryl's forever and always, and you will be reunited with him; that reunion will be forever. Cry for yourself and all you miss, but remember to force a smile for Darryl and the happiness he now knows. Be as kind to yourself as you were to Darryl, for that's what he wants of you.
Registered: 1199856214 Posts: 774
Hi; Why are you doing this to yourself? I know you know this, but I will say it anyway, because what you are beating yourself up for is not real. Your cat Daryl was a gorgeous majestic being here on earth and could only be the same afterwards. His spirit is obviously not trapped in his ex body. The body is a shell. It is nothing but something that can kill you when you are alive. I hope this makes some sort of sense to you. I mean think about it if everyone was stuck in their body, Wow, Think about the complications of that. So that said we and they are not stuck in our bodies when we die. So, stop beating yourself up for burrying your baby. You did the rite thing.I don't blame you for not wanting people to handle your pets body without respect. It happens. Now, why would you want to let him eat kitty litter? Because he wanted to? My kitten wants to chew on electrical cords. I don't let her. He would have been in so much pain if you let him. You were getting on his nerves the way I get on my patients nerves, by taking care of him. The way I am probably getting on your nervs rite now, by trying to help. Of course you were checking on him, he was sick! Of course you were sad, your kitty was dieing. Who wouldn't be heartbroken and sad. It is cats tht mask their sickness from us not the other way around. Don't you think he would have wondered what was up if you were having partys.? As for the entropian (eyelid issues) if it wasn't bothering him what is the point. not only is the procedure painfull although if it is bothering them they should have it, but ....You know that he could have gone into kidney failure sooner had you opted to have him anesthetised. It can cause a renal impaired animal to be a renal failure animal if not properly done. even properly done it can still do it. It is always better for a cat to eat than nt eat. So of course you let him eat what he wanted food wise because he wouldn't eat the renal diet. Most cats hate it. Okay, cats that are stressed do not get better. So, if he was stressed at the hospital why leave him there? There would be no point. he would be miserable and if you had left him there and he had died then you would be saying the that you shouldnn't have ;eft him there. Of course you took him to the vet alot; He was very sick. You did not give up on him you tried for two weeks. He wasn't getting better. He was alert because he was in the car and on gaurd. Cats are expert at hiding their feelings and pain. Look, there is no reason for you to blame yourself. So please stop. I know it is a simple fact that when you grieve you go through steps and the guilt one is an ugly one, I do it to myself all the time, I just think that yours is not justified at all. You did the rite thing. What kind of cat was Daryl? I ask because there are certain genetic traits associated with certain breeds of cats. The entropien eyelids are what are making me ask this. I have a good gut instinct on things and I think Daryl had a genetic disfunction or hereditary problem with his kidneys. I think whatever you had tried to do it would not have made one bit of difference. You spoke about kidney transplant. So, your going to promote a procedure that encourages taking a healthy cat and without the cats permission removing his perfectly good kidney and useing it for another cat. Is that rite? Now there is a poor cat with only one kidny and at the first type of kidney problem which we all know cats get sooner or later...... Not fair at all. Plus it would not have made a difference. i think that you were never going to have him longer than you did. There were mabey some congenital heart disease that was not known of yet. I am sorry so sorry that this has happened to you and your Daryl. But please know he will be with you always even though you can't touch him he will always touch you.
Registered: 1212000007 Posts: 8
Thank you so much, H!
Thank you to all of you, really. This site has helped me out so much. I hope to soon be able to post some nice responses like everyone has been so kind to do for me. I realize that guilt is part of the grieving process...just wanted to put some feelings out in the open...to people that understand. There's not a single person in my life that understands how I am feeling. Darryl was just a "mutt" that showed up at my work last June. Was the sweetest, most mellow, cutest kitty I'd ever known. Didn't have a mean bone in his body. His pre-anesthesia bloodwork was normal back in August when he was neutered. (By the way...he was also cryptorchid...his opthamologist said that was often the case with the eyelid agenesis). Now that I think about it...my three-year-old Newman that I lost two years ago from some freaky thing with fluid building up in his chest - that no one could figure out the reason after $10,000 - was also cryptorchid. And, lost my two-year-old Norman...after looking for him until 3am...found him dead under the bed - no apparent reason. Losing my three babies has all taken place in the past seven years so I think I am having some serious post traumatic stress issues. They were all three tan...perhaps tan cats are predisposed to health issues. My 'remaining' two kitties are also tan. It frightens me to think about what could possibly be ahead. I just do not know. Norman, Newman, and Darryl were my 'mama's boy babies'. (Chuckie and Larry don't care so much about me - I'm just a feeding machine and a toy throwing machine). Maybe I just loved my babies to death...
Registered: 1212475575 Posts: 4
I just discovered this site and posted my own story. I just lost my beautiful little boy, Lucas. I'm still not sure exactly what happened, but I believe renal failure was involved. It all happened in a day, just yesterday. I know it won't bring you much, if any, consolation, but I wanted to tell you that reading about your little guy helped me. It made me think about and feel for you and him, instead of myself and Lucas, for the first time since it happened. It made me realize that I was lucky to have him for 2 years when you only had 1. No one deserves the pain of losing a loved one. It breaks my heart to hear that you've lost 3 wonderful little beings so recently. But it reminds me that life will go on and the pain will fade, but never the memory. I guess it's just nice to know I'm not all alone. Thank you. I wish the best for you and your wonderful kitties.
Registered: 1212473395 Posts: 5
Hi there...just sending some love and hugs your way. Darryl is quite the lovely, serene creature, and no doubt he is looking out for you.
I have also lost my three kitties in a compressed period of time...Spikey in 2003, Spalding in 2005, and my girl Sam just today. I feel for you, I know it hurts. Please don't feel guilty...you had to make a very difficult choice, but you eased Darryl's pain. It's worse to see our little ones suffering. I know you're suffering, too. Take good care and please be kind to yourself.
Registered: 1200561771 Posts: 251
I am so so sorry for the loss of your gorgeous Daryl. wow he looks like such a character, he made me smile. I bet he brought many a smile to your life and your day!
PLEASE try not to feel guilty. I know that is easier said than done as I feel guilty about my Nugget too. But you did what you had to do, really you didn't have a choice. You were daryl's guardian angel and you didn't want to see him in pain and sick. Now he is painfree and so healthy and YOUR guardian angel. A big cuddle to you, Nuggetsmum Alana
Registered: 1212204510 Posts: 12
I'm so sorry for your losing Darryl. What a handsome boy! I know exactly how you feel; I went through it one week ago tomorrow with my Tristan. I still question everything I did, but in the end, I couldn't bear to watch him suffer. I understand about having him cremated; I still go back and forth - should I have or am I happy having him home? How can I guarantee that I got *my* boy back? I hovered those last few days too...is he eating? should I try to feed him again? But he was happy. And when he wasn't, it was time. May you find peace in knowing that Darryl is not hurting anymore. Hugs, Teresa
Registered: 1212324611 Posts: 49
I really feel for you... the pain is awful, excruciating, suffocating... they are sometimes even more loved than humans because they can't talk back, they aren't capable of being mean, they only exude love. And maybe that's why they are only on this earth for such a short time, because their little bodies are constantly working overtime to give us all love and affection. They bless us beyond anything we've ever known, and leave in our hearts messages to continue the love, to family, friends and more animals and pets.
My mum and I did make the decision to have our beautiful girl Jesse the dalmatian cremated. We thought about it hard - and the question to ask which is unique to everyone's own situation is what would your beloved pet want? For us, our Jesse was so anti-rain and always wanting to run and be free (probably stemming from being trapped in a pet shop window enclosure way too small for her when I first saw her as a puppy), that burying her in the ground would have trapped her - so we decided that scattering her ashes over the river she loved to swim in would ensure she would always be free - and be in so many places at once... I have to smile here because her constant need to yank my arm out of the socket when being walked never appealed to me, but now I can give her what she's always wanted...
Our girl finally "came home" today from the crematorium. I'm not yet ready to see the beautiful box, engraved with her name, a message and a beautiful red rose, but my mum has and says that she now feels a bit of closure - a sense that her constant companion is now back at home with her. She has put her on the coffee table, near the heater she loved to sit by and warm my mum's toes. Two candles are lit either side and she is now "home" again with us, until my family come together in October and we send her spirit to God, carried by the wind and the water. We know she would have liked that.
So don't feel guilty (and yes we have been feeling this too for the last 7 days) that you did the wrong thing. You knew at the time what was right and you acted on that heart-felt belief. Your baby was talking to you then and talks to you now... have faith in that and know you did the best for them in every way.
Take care, we are all in this together and thinking of you.
Registered: 1208561808 Posts: 30
I'm so sorry to hear about Daryl, he was absolutely beautiful. I have also lost two older cats (Tammy, 15 (1999) and Spotty, 19 (2004)) to kidney failure, and I lost my youngest cat, Tash (3 years old), in a freak accident almost 2 months ago.
Registered: 1211315873 Posts: 22
I'm so sorry for your loss of Darryl. What a beautiful sweet cat he was!! I know how you feel-I just lost my pom Kato on Monday, June 2. (Boy is that date seared in my mind!) I also beat myself up for not correcting his cataracts with surgery so he could see again. The logical side of me said it was too risky putting an older dog with diabetes other, than the other side feels guilty because he was blind AND deaf the last few years. But surgery isn't always the best options, and I truly believe in my heart that we as parents of fur-kids know whats best for them and their individual situation. I hope this board makes you feel a bit better, at least help you know you are not alone with this awful grief.
Registered: 1210563181 Posts: 67
Shadow was there to greet him with a smile and a snuggle I'm sure! I lost my sweet boy(6 years old) to a sudden onset of asthma (we think thats what it was anyway) on April 29th. I though i would never live through it, but I guess I have. I hurt so bad I wanted to die, I feel so much guilt!! I know you may not believe me now, but these intense feeling will fade a bit as the time goes on. I can't yet say if the sadness and loss will fad, but over the last month I have begun to accept what happened. Its a relief to stop fighting it in my mind. My heart goes out to you. I am with you, all of us here are with you. You are not alone.
Much love and sympathy! Shadow's Mama Elizabeth
Registered: 1212000007 Posts: 8
your sweet little face.
your cute little crossed eyes.
your soft fur.
your little paws.
the way you smell.
you waiting for me at the door when I got home.
scooping you up and giving you hugs and kisses.
seeing you sunning yourself in one of the windows, or under your favorite bush in the backyard.
seeing you curled up next to me when I wake up in the morning.
you waiting for me between the shower curtains while I showered - waiting for me to give you a kiss on the head when I opened them.
you running into the kitchen every time you heard me in there - every time the refrigerator door opened or the microwave dinged - quickly sitting on the rug - waiting eagerly for a snack.
how you'd grab onto my leg with the fur on your back standing straight up and your tail fluffed out because I wasn't giving you pieces of chicken quick enough.
having a dinner companion - you sitting in front of me at the table, or sitting on the coffee table - pawing at me often - waiting for me to share.
seeing and hearing you and Larry chase each other through the house - nails scratching the floor as you turned corners - running across the bed - running in and out of the nylon cube in the middle of the living room. (Larry misses his friend. He no longer lurks through the house, howling with his stuffed sock in his mouth, hoping that you will follow him around and try to take it from him. He no longer plays in the cube.)
hearing your cute little meow. Although only hearing it on a few occasions - of course when I wasn't getting the chicken to you quick enough - it sure made me smile.
how when it was time for dinner, you'd run into the kitchen and sit on the rug, and then pace at my feet and stand with one of your back paws on my foot, and if I was taking too long, would jump up onto the counter and start eating because you just couldn't wait a second longer.
when it was time for treats, all three of you would hurry into the bathroom - Chuckie and Larry in the bathtub and you sat patiently on the scale - and gobbled up your treats as soon as I put them down.
saying, "hi Darryl", or "hi nugget", or "hi little boy", or "hi baby".
saying, "I love you nugget", "I love you little boy", "I love you baby".
you sleeping in one of the donuts around the house, or on your blanket on the table.
you drinking out of the bathtub faucet or out of the toilet and how you'd make that cute little slurping noise when you did.
you chasing bugs in the backyard and wondering how you were able to focus on them and catch them.
you stealing grasshoppers and lizards away from Larry.
you carrying a little fuzzy pom pom or a little furry mouse through the house.
seeing how wide your eyes would get if you heard a noise and you were looking around trying to find out what it was.
you sitting on the table - being such a good boy when I put ointment in your eyes twice a day - and you'd know we were through when I kissed you on the head - only then would you get up.
seeing three tan babies, instead of two.
hearing your name when someone asked about you or talked about you.
I miss every single thing about you. You were absolutely perfect.
Even though you were with me for such a short time, you filled my life with so much love and happiness. Now all I have are memories, sadness, and emptiness.
Tomorrow you will be gone for two weeks. Memorial Day will forever have a different meaning.
Each day I love and miss you more.
I still cannot believe you are not here with me.
Everything is so wrong.
I love you baby!
I love you nugget!
I love you little boy!
I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART!!!