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Baileybutt

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Posts: 8
 #1 
Yesterday morning, we lost our amazing, loving pup child, Bailey. He was a goofy, huge 13 1/2 year old , black lab/ Shepard. Eventhough Bailey was older, this came as a huge shock. I am devastated and so heartbroken. I cannot breathe. I have had Bailey since he was 3 months old. He was the first pup in my adult life. My husband says we should have named him Shadow because he has always followed me everywhere.

The day before yesterday, Bailey was great. We went for a walk on a trail, he ate well, and was his normal self. Early yesterday morning, Bailey threw up and collapsed. We got him to the emergency vet, where they told us Bailey was bleeding internally into his stomach. They said that they could keep him comfortable, and transfer him to another vet where they probably would not operate. If they did, he most likely would not survive and if he did, he would most likely only have a few months. Hemangiosarcoma was what they told me. A fast growing deadly cancer. It comes like a wicked storm and ravages the body of the victim. No chance of survival. We decided to let Bailey cross over. I must have lied on the ground with my pup for hours before they gave him his final injection. He was all doped up on pain drugs. I just held him as I felt my husband's tear drops fall upon my face. I couldn't leave him.

I just can't get past this feeling. I have lost people in my life, but nothing has hit me like the loss of this beautiful soul. I have been fortunate in that I have been able to take Bailey everywhere with me. For most of his life, I have been with Bailey. Partner in crime. We don't have children. We had Bailey. He was our child. He was so loving, loyal, and amazing.I don't think I will ever get past this grief. I know it's early on, but I just d on't think I will ever feel better.
Pam_1584

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Posts: 16
 #2 
I am so sorry to hear about your baby and your grief. I would like to tell you that this is easy but I would be lying. Everyone on this site says their grief is extreme. I lost my best friend ,deezel a Yorkshire terrier on Sunday. These

last four days have been a living hell with crying and guilt. I just showered yesterday and have just started eating. I am telling you this so you know what your feeling is normal and very very tough. Try and take one day at a time Bailey would want you to be happy because of the love you two had for each other. Please do not feel you are alone this pain is gut renching and all of us here are going through it too with you.
I hope tomorrow is just a little easier
Pamg
Jessn

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Posts: 7
 #3 
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my 9 year old baby (dog) 2 weeks ago today to hemangiosarcoma. He really was my everything. Only thing that prompted a visit to the vet was his loss of appetite. But it was the same situation as yours. Internal bleeding and then they found the cancer had spread to his lungs. There really is no good course of action with this cancer. And it happens so fast which I think is what makes it so devastating. I can tell you that this forum has really helped me to see that what I'm feeling is completely normal and no one here thinks my dog was "just a dog". Just remember that you made the most selfless decision by letting Bailey go.
Biscuits_mom

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Posts: 13
 #4 
I am so, so sorry for your loss.  Unfortunately, I know your pain all too well.  It has been 3 weeks since I lost my 11 year old soul dog from the same cancer.  Like you, we had no warning.  She was completely normal the entire day leading up to her collapse, with no change in eating, energy levels, or happiness.  She woke up from a nap that evening, threw up, and collapsed.  Her diagnosis was also Hemangiosarcoma.  It is a nasty, horrible cancer, and you did the very best thing that you could do under the circumstances. There is no cure, and it progresses swiftly.  You did not allow Bailey to suffer, and that is the kindest and bravest thing that you could have done.  You and Bailey were lucky to have each other.  Like Bailey, our Biscuit was a gentle soul.  

I know what you are feeling right now.  I walked around in a haze for the first week.  I still cry periodically throughout the day when I think of her.  Coming home to a quiet, empty house is the hardest, and seeing her things (collar, food bowls, bed) still destroys me on a daily basis.  The guilt has mostly passed now, but I am haunted by visions of those last few hours - especially as we said goodbye.  I am forever changed by this, but I'm also forever changed in so many wonderful ways by having her in my life.  I know that in time I will be able to mostly just remember the good times.  Right now it's just too devastating.  Like you, I am completely heartbroken and feel lost.  But having been where you are now I can say that it has become better over the past week.  

Our pet children give us so much joy and comfort.  We connect with them deeply, and they give us unconditional love.  I don't think that I understood exactly HOW much I relied on her for comfort and companionship until she was gone.  I knew that I looked forward every day to spending time with her, and missed her terribly when I worked, but there is now a part of me that is missing.  Be sure that you take the time that you need to grieve.  Make sure that you surround yourself with people who understand your loss, and take a break from those who do not understand.  It is too painful (and destructive) to be around those who feel that it is ridiculous to mourn a pet this way.

Take care of yourself.
Baileybutt

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Posts: 8
 #5 
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I really appreciate it. I am still an absolute basket case, and did not realize how much of a mess my husband was until today when he woke up crying too. I am so orry for your loss of your sweet baby and wish you well on your healing journey.
Pam_1584

Registered:
Posts: 16
 #6 
I’m so sorry your in so much pain. The first four days for me were horrible. I’m on my 6th day now and slowly it’s getting better to accept my sweet baby boy dezeel had to leave me. I truly hope this happens for you. We love them so much and they love us it’s impossible to see life without them. Please try and eat and if you need to cry it’s ok. Everyone here feels your pain and are going through it with you. Please continue to post it does help. I hope today is easier for you
Denzel’s mom
jfivecents5

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Posts: 36
 #7 
I lost my precious dog Mickey (Aussie shepherd) to this same cancer in June. He was only 8-1/2, and the disease came out of nowhere as well. For a few months his appetite was up and down and he had lost weight, but since bloodwork came back normal the vet could not figure it out. Still, I felt guilty for a long time, that I didn't find a better vet or insist on an ultrasound. This cancer if vicious; if you read about it you learn that it waxes and wanes, imitating a lot of other conditions. But the information I read seemed to indicate that it wasn't as painful of a cancer as many others, which is why it's so hard to diagnose. Not that early diagnosis does much good, however. Please know that I'm sending my sympathy for your loss. The worst part of the grief process does pass; although I still miss my sweet dog, it does get easier to deal with. At least they're not suffering anymore.
Baileybutt

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #8 
Thanks for your kind words, and I am so sorry for your loss. It's nice to know that it willl get better. It has only been 3 days so I am still so raw. I hope tomorrow will bed better, and that someday I will be able to help someone else.
Baileybutt

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #9 
Jess N, Pam, and Biscuits mom. I just wanted to thank you again for your responses, and want to tell you how truly sorry I am for your losses.

I keep on going back in my mind trying to make sure that we made the right choice by not at least trying to get Bailey trasnsferred to the specialty vet to do the surgery. The emergency vet told me it would pretty much be selfish if I put Bailey through it, only to have a couple of mths. What if they were wrong?I just feel like I didn't have enough time, and that I let Bailey down.

Pam_1584

Registered:
Posts: 16
 #10 
The bottom line of your last conversation is he is gone and now you have to find a way to deal with it. Truly it’s hell on earth but we cannot do anything about it. Sad but true we don’t get a do over. Did you love him?-yes Do you miss him? Yes is your life better because of him? Yes!yes!yes! And now it’s time for you to take care of you. Please eat, please try and function and be good to yourself. I would love to take your pain away but I can’t. I am still dealing with my own and everyday is a tiny bit better.
Please post as much as you can I’m here for you and maybe we can help each other get out of the darkness and into the light
Pamg- Deezies mom
Baileybutt

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Posts: 8
 #11 
Thank you Pam. I am glad to hear that each day is better for you, and truly wish you continued healing.
Jessn

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #12 
I can tell you that I felt the same exact way that you're describing. Everything happened so fast I felt like I didn't have time to think. I felt that by not trying surgery and exhausting all options I let my baby down and didn't fight hard enough for him. But a vet wouldn't recommend euthanasia unless they truly felt it was in your dogs best interest. This cancer is horrible. I've searched and searched to see what others have done and honestly for the most part what I've read is : anyone who chose to do the surgery only gained a very short amount of time with their dog and for the most part the dog was recovering. So I try to take comfort in the fact that my baby's last days were happy ones and he wasn't in any pain and I got to be there with him in the end. It's been almost 3 weeks and the heaviness in my chest is slowly subsiding. But the first week was definitely the hardest. Try to take care of yourself the best you can. Even if it means eating junk food just to make sure you're eating something.
I am so so sorry for the loss of your love.
Pam_1584

Registered:
Posts: 16
 #13 
It’s seems to be very common to go over the last few days of our pets life. It’s a common thread to all these postings.We all have regrets and second thoughts because we love and miss them so much.But in the end we did what was best for our beloved friend. I’m on my second week and it’s still hard and still cry but letting my beloved Deezel go was best for him
seejay15

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #14 

As I read these posts, I am in tears.  Today, 1 yr ago, I had to say goodbye to my beautiful yellow lab Kelsey.  She was 15.  She did not have cancer or any other sickness that we knew of, she was just old and tired.  She became very wobbly in the hind legs and could not get up on her own the last few months of her life.  Then one morning towards the end she could not walk on her own at all without the assistance of a belly sling.  I had to lift her back end with the sling to take her outside or to move her anywhere.  My husband said she's tired, we can't go on like this, it's not fair to her (although he was a basket case like I was).   This went on for a while longer.   She still seemed somewhat happy and was still eating.

Then came the morning she was not interested in eating and just was not herself.  We both knew it was time, so the call was made to have the vet come to the house.  I spent the next day just holding her and loving her as much as I could while waiting for the dreadful car to come up the driveway.  She went off to sleep so peacefully on her blanket with a few treats.

  That day was much like today, sunny, cool and beautiful blue skies.  I didn't think it would hit me this hard.  She was buried here at our home and tonight I am going to light a candle and just sit with her and remember of all the beautiful memories she gave us.  

I can only say from my experience, weather our pets live a long life or are taken suddenly, that time does relieve some of the deep heartache, pain and loss that we suffer and it is possible to find peace within yourself when you think of them sleeping in your heart forever.

 

 

Baileybutt

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #15 
A week ago today, Bailey, passed away. I replayed yesterday all day....beginning to end.Bailey and I did this and everything was fine...Bailey and I did this and he was great.....Now I believe that I am on a infinite loop of torture. My husband has been grieving in a different way.. a quiet way...but the other night, he came home crying..You see Bailey loved my husband's late night rub downs. He has a way of getting behind those ears perfectly. And then...to top it off..He gets his last special treats of the day.

I want to thank you all for your stories, and am so sorry you all feel the grief I feel, because it is awful and exhausting. I have to stop. I need to embrace the beautiful moments that I had with Bailey. I need to stop feeling guilty. I did everything I could for him and more. I loved him so dearly, and he knew it.

I hope today will be a better day. I don't think there are any more tears...
Biscuits_mom

Registered:
Posts: 13
 #16 
The replaying of events and guilt...This must be a normal cycle of grieving, especially when the end is sudden, and/or we were responsible for making the decision to say goodbye.  I spent the first two weeks after my dog's death replaying every possible moment leading up to it.  The worst part is that the end was so sudden, unexpected, and traumatizing that my memory about the specifics is poor.  So, that's a new torture in itself - not remembering exactly how it played out.  Could I have done something?  Did I hug her enough? Did she know that we loved her in those last minutes? Maybe I didn't see a sign earlier?  The reality is that everything is fuzzy - we were in the middle of something so sudden and so traumatic.  But I have also spent much time torturing myself about the few weeks beforehand: convincing myself that she was neglected, left alone too much, in pain, scared, lonely...which of course most of these are untrue.  We were a little bit more busy in the week leading up to her death, but she still received our undivided love and attention when we were home, and all of the usual walks, etc.  I guess that torturing ourselves is a way to place blame on someone for what happened, since there is otherwise no easy way to make sense of it all.

The self-blame and ruminating about events has lessened over the past week.  I hope that we can all get to the point of thinking mostly about the good times.  It's just so sad.


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