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TabbysMom123

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Posts: 2
 #1 
I put my cat, Tabatha to sleep on Friday. She was 20 years old - I had her since I was 6. She was not just a cat to me. This was my companion, my partner, my best friend. I grew up with this cat by my side. She went with me everywhere, slept in my bed, contorted me when I cried & smiled when I was joyous. From elementary school to middle to high school to college to marrige to moving across the country. She was my everything. Tabatha was a fighter. She was feisty to everyone, but me. Showing my unconditional love for 20 years.

She had kidney failure. Chronic that is. Diagnosed about 4 years ago. It was not aggressive, but slow. The last year she had become really thin, about 5 pounds. She slept all day, had noticeable discomfort when jumping or walking. She really only drank water and ate if I gave her broth. BUT she still looked at me with her loving eyes, purred when I pet her, cuddled me when she could and enjoyed sitting in the sunlight.

I took her to the vet for a check up and just gave up. All week I kept telling myself it was just a check up, but in the back of my mind thinking it wasn't...the vet said she lost 3 pounds, her kidneys were small and her chemistry panel showed obvious signs of kidney disease.

I froze. I dont know what happened. How it happened. I said yes. I said go ahead with euthanasia. Before I knew it there she was in my arms, looking at my with those same loving eyes. Trusting. She fought it. She fought the vet till the last breath. My fighter.

I am ridden with guilt and disbelief that this is real. Why did I do it? I know she was old and things would of gotten worse...but why didnt I wait? I could of planned a whole "Tabatha" week of extra love, cuddling, tuna and attention. What did I just do? I find myself not knowing what to do in the silence. The guilt takes over. The image of her scared face. The sound of her fighting. I am horribly sad. I don't know how to handle the regret, the sadness and the memories.
Gringoem13

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Posts: 9
 #2 
First, I want to give you my sympathies for the loss of your beloved baby.  This was the first post I read- I just found this message board tonight after another difficult day.  It really spoke to me.  I am feeling so much of the same things you wrote about- although my loss is my angel dog Izzy.  I had her since she was 5 weeks old- shouldn't have even been taken from her mom, but it was a dangerous situation she was in and she had little chance of making it where she was.  So I took her.  And raised her.  She was more than my best friend.  She went EVERYWHERE with me.  I took her to school (I was a senior in high school when I got her).  She went to work, into stores, movies, anywhere and everywhere... When she was little- she fit in the sleeve of my sweatshirt or jacket so it was easy to have her anywhere that I was.  As she got bigger (she was a lab mix) I couldn't take her in everywhere- but she was still with me.  In my car riding shot gun- no matter what- she was there.  I would leave the car running with the heat or air conditioning on for her.  She grew with me and was there when I had my two human babies.  She was my dog of honor when I got married just this last fall.  She walked me down the aisle with my dad.  She turned 15 years old a couple months ago.  One night after coming inside from feeding my horses- I had actually left her in the house while I went out as it was extremely cold out (-15 below zero) and her paws froze quickly so I didn't want her out there the whole time I was getting the horses fed.  Anyways- I came inside and noticed that her eye seemed to have blood in it- a lot of blood.  Not coming out- but just like inside her whole eye ball.  I called the emergency vet but decided to wait and take her to our normal vet in the morning- she hated the vet and I didn't want to stress her out taking her someplace new that was far away at nine at night.  The vet had a couple ideas what it could have been and sent us home with some eye salve and anti biotic pills. I didn't work the next day and was with her all day but she wasn't doing well.  She kept vomitting and when I would bring her outside- she couldn't go to the bathroom.  She was trying so hard that she would fall over.  Within a few hours she couldn't stand.  I carried her to the car to get her back to the vet.  It was like a blur... He told me- I think you are losing her.  We can do tests and exams and see what all is going on, or we can let her go without putting her through all of that- she had had a long great life.  I-like you said yes- let's let her go.  She was just laying there.  I was so upset I could barely say anything to her- other than I loved her and I was so sorry.  I didn't want her to suffer.  She growled when they put the euth. in her.  I almost screamed.  It was like she knew.  I feel like I failed her.  What if I could have done something- anything more to give her longer on this earth?  Now it is too late and I can't live with it.  Every single thing I do is without her now and I can't imagine having to go through the rest of this life on earth without her.  And the guilt is eating me alive.  I have to tell myself to breathe.  I can barely be a mother to my two human children and then I feel even worse.  I wish I would have done something more special with her- said something to her more to tell how just how much she meant to me.  It has been 9 days and it feels like it is getting worse.  So anyways- I guess I just wrote all this to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings.  I am feeling the same pain and I don't have any answers for you other than to hold on and take it day by day.  I guess that is what I am trying to do.  Thanks for sharing your story...
dodger

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Posts: 1
 #3 
Hi Tabbys mom, your post sounds similar to what im going through lost my dog, best friend of 12 years 2 days ago, You feel it happened so fast when Tabby was put to sleep ,  I know its so distressing I feel your pain , how will we move on in life , its seems like its worse than losing a person. In my opinion you made that fast choice because you did not want your beloved to suffer and feel pain any longer thats how much u loved her u put your feelings aside so she was at peace , im sitting here now thinking i could of had more time but we put them first and their comfort first . Hopefully sharing feelings helps to ease the terrible pain we are feeling .     Take care .
TabbysMom123

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Posts: 2
 #4 
Thank you @dodger & @gringoem13. I appreciate your kind words and support.
Annabelle1969

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Posts: 4
 #5 
Big hug from me. I just had my 17 year old kitty euthanized Friday - our situations are so similar. I felt somewhat pressured by my vet to do it - I just wanted one more night with her.

I don't know if my original post describing what happened will be posted before this but it's pretty long and detailed.

I am feeling guilt and I hate that I let them put me in a pressure cooker of a situation to make such a huge decision for my best friend.
jessej1s89

Registered:
Posts: 27
 #6 

Hello my sweet friend! I have been on this site for the past few hours reading posts and leaving comments of comfort. This website is truly therapeutic. I too had to send my beloved dog Braveheart to Heaven this past Saturday, March 3rd. He was an old puppy mill rescue, and had developed heart failure and a bad case of dementia. I could have kept him here longer on Earth with me, but that would have been the selfish move. He was suffering; thus I had to be selfless and let him jet up to Heaven.

You had to do the same thing. Please, do not beat yourself up about it. Your sweet Tabatha doesn't want that; I am sure that she is looking down on you from Heaven and doesn't want you to be this sad; as is my doggy Braveheart. Perhaps they are even hanging out together this very moment, because I am sending you this message. I want you to know that your baby girl is rejoicing in Heaven right now because she has a new and divine body, one that is 100% perfect and healthy; and she is running, and climbing trees, and playing with all the other beloved animals there, and people. Try not to fret, you will see your beloved Tabatha again 😉 
God bless you! Know that you are not alone, and we are going through this journey of grief together. We will make it through! And we will see those sweet faces again

-Jess; Braveheart's momma

moonmoon

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #7 
Tabbysmom- I'm so sorry for your loss. My dog also had end stage kidney disease and died in my arms before the vet even had the chance to put her down.

You did the RIGHT thing. The vet told me that end stage kidney disease makes you feel rotten- like you have the worst hangover in the world- you know that horrible dehydrated feeling where you have a pounding headache and are just in awful discomfort no matter what you do?- thats what kidney failure feels like. Yes, you could have had an extra week with her but that would have been more of a comfort to you than it would have been to her- she wasnt feeling well and letting her go now really was the kindest thing you could have done for your girl. I hope in time you'll be able to remember the good times with Tabatha.
(((hugs)))
Missing_Coco

Registered:
Posts: 35
 #8 
I know how you feel. My Coco was only 4 but had kidney failure. I found out last Saturday evening and had her put to sleep the next afternoon.

The vets that diagnosed her were not the vets that helped her pass. I found them to be rude and pushy about it. Instead I took her home and called a vet that does at home visits. He helped me throughout the day. Kept calling and messaging me to check that that was what I wanted to do.
He answered every question I had, even though I was just grasping at straws and hoping for a miracle.

I feel like I failed her now. I feel guilty and horrible like I could have done something more to help her (even though the vet said he wouldn't have put her to sleep if there was another way).
She wasn't in a good place before he came to our home, but I still have the feeling of what if.. what if I tried something else, what if I tried to help her kidneys recover somehow.
It eats you up inside, but you have to try forgive yourself and know that you did the right thing for them.

I know Coco was suffering on that last day. Every day that passes, I wish I could have done anything to stop it from happening or to help and all I can remember is that last day.

Know that we all understand how you feel and hope you have some comfort in the support and love this page can give you.
MyLittleBoyChamp

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #9 
I am so sorry for your loss.  You have a very similar story to my own.  I understand your grief and emptiness.  I also understand how hard it is to make that decision, I had to make it just last week on March 2nd.  It is still so fresh.  It sounds like you had a great many years with your Tabatha and that you both loved each other dearly.  Cherish the memories you have.  Don't ever let go, you don't have to forget and you shouldn't forget.  There will always be some pain but hopefully the love you had will see you through and remind you of what an honor it was to have Tabatha for all those years.

My little boy Champ went to kitty heaven too.  He was a great little boy. He loved his daddy and I loved him.  He was just a couple months shy of 20 years old.  He had a great life.  He was always a big boy, around 20 pounds.  He was feisty too but never aggressive with anyone, a bit shy at first but then would love you to death.  He loved playing with our small dog Honey.  They would sleep together, chase each other and I don't think either of them knew they were different species.  Honey knows something is different now, no Champ.

In May of 2017 I thought I was going to lose my little boy.  He wasn't eating and suddenly was really weak.  I rushed him to the emergency vet and they pumped fluids into him and kept him for several days.  At one point the vet inferred that it might be time but I knew it wasn't.  The vet then showed me how to give him fluids and change his diet.  He had kidney failure.  I took  him home and began treating him.  He became stronger and had a healthy appetite until his final day.  We had many additional months together and I believe we became closer than every over those months.  I miss him laying on me at night.  

On his final day I just knew it was time.  He suddenly wasn't walking.  He then got up and walked and ate and then suddenly couldn't walk again.  His eyes were getting very tired looking.  I held him for a very long time and tried to keep him warm.  We went to the vet where I once again held him for a very long time.  I left the vet feeling so empty and wondering if I should have done more but I just knew that I couldn't let him suffer.  My suffering isn't as important as his.  I would do anything for him and I tried.  I still feel so sad.

I wish my pain would stop.  I go to work and I make it through the day but when I get home I'm empty.  I have no Champ to greet me.  No Champ to take care of.  No Champ to talk to and pet and take naps with.  I miss my little boy so much.

I know our little kitties are now playing together and waiting for us to one day be with them again.  It helps to know the love never ends.

RRTraveler

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Posts: 2
 #10 

Monday afternoon we lost our big, handsome Russian Blue cat…Kirby Manskie, a gorgeous dude with stunning green eyes. He was one of the loves of our life. He adopted us in July of 2002 when we still lived in Southern California when he showed up at our house. When he came to us his tail was all cut open, raw and bleeding, the vet said it was probably due to a coyote attack. The whole middle section of his tale was torn to bits. We tried all measures to save it in its entirety, but to no avail…so he ended up a beautiful bobcat with a cute little stub of a tail that didn’t come close to covering his little booty. When he arrived he was already neutered and his front paws had been declawed, left outside he obviously could not defend himself. So we brought him into our home and he became a house cat and a new friend to our two dogs.

He was so much of a Mama’s boy and always convinced me to feed him more food than he needed and eventually over his latent years he bloomed to about 25 pounds, but he was always a happy little camper. However, as he got older his weigh became an issue, but who puts a 14 plus year old guy on a diet? Let him live what is left of his life, our vet here in Oregon actually agreed with me. We realized that if he stayed overweigh he might eventually develop diabetes, almost 2 years ago that occurred and on June 1, 2016 I started giving him insulin shots in the morning with breakfast and in the evening with his dinner. We got him down from 6 units of insulin in each shot to 1 unit each time. That was a real achievement. The Doc thought that his pancreas had repaired itself as apparently is possible in the case felines on Lantus insulin. We took him in for blood sugar tests frequently and he was doing really well. The vet said he was amazing strong with a good strong heart and great teeth. He did fine, but over the past year or so his legs started to develop arthritic joints, so I had to give him medication shots every two weeks to keep it as much at bay as was possible. It was starting to get pretty difficult for him to get around and he limped a lot, but was still happy and went about his life both inside the house and also roaming the front fenced hillside and on our back deck.

Since he became our little son so many years ago, both our previous two dogs have passed on, but we have three other cats that have adopted us. Little Minnie showed up in January, 2009. We live up in the forests of Southern Oregon outside of Rogue River. It snows here in January and she came walking down our driveway when the snow was higher than her. Even after 9 years she still is a little feral, but she is also a little cuddle buddy when she's in the right mood and has settled down a lot in her time here. Kirby was a little concerned about her in the beginning. At that stage of our lives he had been the only ruler in our house for some time and he let her know that. We took her to the vet to have her front paws declawed and when we asked we were advised that she was already spayed. Since all our neighbors live a long distance from us, she was obviously dumped around here by someone. I still can't understand how heartless people can do that. She was so tiny that we thought that she was a kitten, but the vet said that she was probably around two years old. Our second son, Riddy B., showed up on our back deck one evening. It was April, 2013. My husband was going into our master bath to take a shower and when he entered the bedroom he heard a cat meowing. He came out to the kitchen and said, "I hear a cat meowing through one of the bedroom windows and it's not one of ours." He went into the bathroom and I went out to see what was awaiting me on the deck. And it was Riddy B., the sweetest little black cat. When I came out he came running over to me. I sat down on one of the deck chairs and he jumped right up on my lap. For unknown weird reasons he had a metal choke chain, and a fairly large heavy one at that, around his neck. Someone had taken a cable tie and put it through the links of the choke chain so that it could not slide loose and tied onto it was something like a leash that was shredded on the loose hanging end. Again, who would do that to a little kitty? I clipped the cable tie and took the choke chain and leash off of him. When my husband came out from his shower he came out on the deck, saw Riddy on my lap and his first statement was. "And then there were three." When we came in from the deck Riddy started crying and rubbing up against the sliding door screen as though he was saying..."Hey, I live here, let me in!!" I took him out to my shop where he spent the night and the next day we took the little guy to the vet and had him neutered and his front feet declawed. We thought that he was at least a couple of year’s old because he was quite a strong little guy, but the vet told us he was probably barely 6 months old and he had a number of problems. His tail was about 1½ times the length of a normal tail and you could see that there were kinks in it. When it stuck up in the air it formed a distinct “question mark.” So we named him The Riddler, AKA Riddy B. For some reason I always seem to have to give a second name to my pets and therefore the B. in Riddy B. stands for Riddy Binsky. Minnie I call Minnie Minyeh. Kirby’s full name was Kirby Vincent Rogers, but we always called him Kirbits and Kirbits Manskie. I had this song that I used to sing to him: “Mr. Kirbits Manskie, the most magnanimous of all the Manskies in the world, I present Mr Kirbeen Manskie.” Guess it’s just a crazy flaw of mine.

To continue on with little Riddy: his tongue also was too long to stay completely inside his mouth, however nowadays it hangs only a slight amount and makes him look as cute as can be. His mouth itself had suffered some type of trauma and could not open fully, it has since healed and he now yawns like a pro. While he was at the vet he also had one of his front canines removed due to infection. Within the first week at home a little tiny tooth fell out and then his other canine fell out on the plate he was eating from. I called the vet and an assistant said that since he was young it was probably just a baby teeth and they would grow in. Wrong!!! When we took him back the following year for his yearly physical the little tooth had been replaced, but the area where the canine tooth had fallen out of had encircled itself with a hard skin capsule and he needed surgery to have it all removed.

Kirby and Riddy become immediate friends and romped around together, but Minnie was not so sure and Riddy kept constantly chasing her around. The more she ran away from him, the more he chased after her. That problem has eased up somewhat over the past almost 5 years since they have lived together here. Minnie has learned at times to stop, turn around and whack Riddy in the head. No claws…no harm. Besides these three little darlings there is another cat that has been with us now almost a year. More details on him in a moment.

Since we moved to Oregon years ago our children have pretty much disowned us due to numerous pre-existing family problems, so our pets are all we have. They are a purpose in life and they are a lot of our joy. They sleep with us on our bed, they spend the evenings with us, they eat when we do; they spend tons of time in both our offices and when we go on trips in our motor home they always go with us. In fact, they seem to all get along better in the tighter quarters of the motor home.

The three cats that I have detailed have been with us ever since they adopted us. None of them have spent a night away from us. Even when we had to make trips that included a motel stay, we would put them in the back of the SUV, get a room on the ground floor, away from the front office and then sneak them into the motels. We kept a litter box with us, so clean up was easy.

The fourth cat that I mentioned above is Felix. He showed up on our property at some point last May. He didn't look under nourished so we figured he belonged to someone nearby. I would see him roaming the hillside and often he would traverse our back deck. I tried to talk to him, but you could see that he was skittish and would always run away. My husband and I have our evening drinks on our front porch when the weather is nice. Generally Kirby would go out and roam around and eat the long grass in the patch that my husband would always leave for him when he mowed the lawn. If Kirby was out when Felix came through they paid little attention to each other. Then one day while we were out there Felix appeared out on the hillside and starting catching lizards. It was so funny because he would see one, stalk it and then pounce on it; we talked to him, but he just sat there and then eventually he left. The following night he showed up in our driveway and then crawled under the wrought iron fence, came up the sidewalk and jumped up on my husband's lap. It was then that we realized he was not well fed...he was basically skin and bones. He was eating the lizards to survive. I immediately went in the house and brought him out a bowl of food. For the next week or so he lived on our back deck. I put out a bowl of water and a bowl of food for him and brought out a heating blanket that I plugged in and placed on one of the padded deck chairs so he could have it as a bed. After a week we decided to take him to the vet and get his front paws declawed and we needed to know if he was a boy or a girl. My husband had already decided the name would be Felix, but I really thought he was a girl. When we arrived at the vet we were talking with one of the assistants about Felix and what we were planning to do. I guess the vet must have overheard the conversation because when he came in he advised us not to declaw the cat or bring him in the house, that it would crush his spirit. He said that he thought that it would disrupt the household and cause problems for our other cats, such as not eating or peeing everywhere. So with his advice Felix (who was determined to be a neutered male, 3-4 years old) we set him up in our sunroom. He has a connected window where he can access my shop and visit with me when I am out there. The sunroom also has a small doggy door that my husband built into one of the sliding windows so he can go out onto the rear deck and be outside. We put a brand new cat tree out on the back deck for him to sleep in when the weather is nice (I guess none of the 3 we already had in the house would suffice). Doc said it should not smell of other cats. When the weather is cooler he can use the doggy door, go into the sunroom, access my shop though the window and then walk into the guest room which is attached to my shop where he sleeps on the bed. I work off and on in my shop so he is not lonely and we have our drinks in the sunroom at night to give him a little company. Neither Minnie nor Riddy are allowed in the sunroom anymore beside they could exit via the doggie door to the outside and both of them are thin enough to go through the slats of the railings and run away. The two of them along with Kirby used to love to go out and spend the day out in the sunrrom. They would lie on their beds on the cover of the hot tub and sleep in the sun. Unfortunately after Felix took up residence there Kirby was the only one that had permission to be out there. Because of his weight he could no longer jump so he would not leave via the doggie door. Too bad that it had to go that way, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Plus Riddy has met Felix up close and personal and they hiss at each other. Riddy is the aggressor and Felix is petrified of him. Hopefully sometime in the future we can rectify this problem and become a united family. If any of you out there can give us some advice on this it would be much appreciated.

Tragically over this past weekend things for Kirby turn a drastic turn for the worse and went downhill quickly. He had been acting a little odd on Friday night, but he had done that in the past so I just kept a close eye on him. He was due to have his blood sugar tested last Monday at 2 p.m., but when he took this odd turn on Friday I called and rescheduled a complete appointment to see the vet at 3 p.m. on that Monday. As Saturday went by he started to lose his appetite and I had to practically force feed him. He drank, but not like usual. He was hard to get interested in water, but I warmed up milk and he would lap it slowly, but not for long. By Saturday night he was having trouble standing up and when he did he weaved. We had placed him on one of the large pillows that we had bought years ago for each of our cats that we had placed on the hot tub and we pulled him around the house on it like a sled. By the time bedtime came he could no longer stand up, he was able to move all his legs, but he could no longer stand, he could not turn over either so I had to help him with that. Rick picked him up and he spent Saturday night on our bed like he always did keeping my husband’s feet warm and when he started yelling my husband picked him up and placed him down by the littler box in case he wanted to use it, he had not urinated since that afternoon. Diabetics tend to drink a lot and therefore urinate a lot, but he wasn’t drinking so to some point it made sense. When I got up at like 4 a.m. he had made it out to the water bowl in the kitchen, however, he was not drinking. It was like he wanted to, but he just couldn’t. When I fed the other cats he would cry longingly and I knew that he knew what he was supposed to do and what he wanted to do, but he just couldn’t do it. When I put down food for him on the floor surface so he didn’t need to try and eat out of the bowl, he would try to pull it closer to him, but then would not eat it. As Sunday progressed he got consistently worse. In the afternoon I pulled him into our bedroom and placed him by the big window in the sunshine. That was always one of his favorite pastimes…whether inside or outside he loved to lie in the sun and warm his old body. Sometimes he would stay on the front porch or the back deck on one of his cushions for hours enjoying this warmth. I sat down on the floor to keep him company and eventually the other two guys came in the bedroom too and lay down with him.

As Sunday slowly came to a close the situation, I think, had already been pre-dictated. He no longer was even interested in food. During the weekend I had tried tuna fish off and on and got little to no response. It had been one of his favorite treats. He didn’t want to drink either. I placed him many times in the litter box and held him up in case he wanted to use it, but it was to no avail. I put his pillow next to my bed Sunday night and was basically awake with him all night trying to make sure that he was not too confused or scared. He would drift off to sleep for several minutes, but then would cry and want me to pet his little head. He felt a little cold so I placed the sweatshirt that I had worn that day and left on the floor beside the bed over his body. I will never think of washing that sweatshirt; I have placed it in a plastic bag in the hopes of keeping some of his smell to visit and enjoy periodically. Insane, but I am sure that many of you out there in the same position know how I feel.

When I moved him out of the bedroom on Monday morning I found a little piece of poop lying by his tail end. I guess it come out in spite of him. I’m not sure why but I resolved to try and feed him at least some water via a syringe, I think some of it went down, but not enough. Because he wouldn’t eat I hadn’t given him his insulin shots since Friday night, however, I don’t think that had any effect on his worsening condition. He wasn’t eating and I was afraid I might send him into insulin shock. I had checked his urine that last time he had gone for me on Saturday afternoon and there was no evidence of sugar. I think he was probably suffering from either liver or kidney shutdown.

All Monday he kept crying incessantly for me to be with him and pet him. He kept looking up and staring at me as though he was pleading for me to help him. “Mom, I really need your help, can you make me well?” It tore at my heart. It is a vision that will last in my mind for as long as I live. As Monday afternoon approached he was barely hanging on. His cries had turned to little murmurs and his eyes barely opened.

We left for the vet at about 2 p.m. and before we were even a ¼ mile down the road I could tell that he was leaving us. His sweet little eyes kept staring at me as he took his last breaths, but I know that he was no longer aware that they were open, it was impending death. I used to be a nurse and I know what the dying stare and the death rattle is.  Rick pulled over to the side of the road and got out to come to my side of the car and we cried as little Kirby passed on as I held him and stroked his head as he lay on my lap.

We could hardly contain ourselves enough when we got home to even call the vet and tell them what had occurred. Then Rick tearfully went out and dug a burial site for the little guy near the top of the front hillside where Kirby once roamed so happily, while I sat and sobbed into his soft fur. We then wrapped him in a brand new large towel from the linen closet. It just happened to be the same color as we had used to bury our last doggie right after Thanksgiving of 2007. We then placed him gently in the ground and placed handfuls of dirt over him while saying prayers to him to rest in peace. We know that he was more than deserving of that. I went up to our other property and collected a lot of beautiful green colored rocks that are up there and I placed them on the mount that is his grave. I also made a nice white cross and put it at the head of the grave. I am going to sculpt a plaque memorializing him hang it on the cross.

I told him that “Little Minnie and Riddy B. were very concerned over the weekend when they could not understand what was wrong with you and why you kept crying. I know that they do not yet understand, but I think they are aware that something is different in our home and that you are no longer here with us. We will console them and try to help them understand and hopefully take care of them as God will now take care of you. We loved you so dearly and you were such a positive and wonderful force in our lives and we wait to see you again.”

I am so sad and overcome that I can hardly survive. I know that our little darling in now living in God’s tender hands in the company of Jesus. He no longer has pain and is now able to run and jump once again and enjoy his everlasting life. He no longer suffers. We know that we will see him again when it is God’s will. I know that in time the pain we are feeling now will ease and the memories, of which there are so many, will remain, but every time I pass by one of the house windows and see his grave on the hillside I am so uncontrollably sad. I am constantly telling him “please know that we will always love you and will always be grateful for the addition you made in our lives. Thank you little Kirby for selecting us to be your parents…rest in peace my sweet boy as you ascend to heaven as the angel that you are.”

The portion of the proceeding is what I wrote and placed on Facebook to our few friends regarding our dear baby’s death.

Then on Tuesday morning I was visited by an all consuming feeling. I could smell little Kirby as though he was right there sitting on my lap. Suddenly he was talking inside my head. He was telling me that he was very happy in heaven and was being taken very good care of. He felt surrounded by love and was having every need he possibly had taken care of. He told me how much he loved us and that he missed us very much. He said that he realized that we were very sad and that he knew that we were crying when we buried him, but he said to rest assured that he was so happy now. He said that he was so healthy now, that he was running and jumping like he used to do and meeting with all his friends and people from the past. Even though he knew that we missed him he asked that we not even think of wishing him back in the condition that he had left us, all the suffering and all the pain. He assured us that God was totally in control and that he felt as safe as he had with us. He also told me that he would be seeing us again when the time was right and that he would be waiting for us. I felt this nervous sensation throughout my body when he finally pulled away and left me, but at the same time I was happy for him and his present situation. I am not intensely religious, but I have always believed in God, although I have felt at times that he didn’t seem to be on my side. But we definitely knew that little sweet Kirby had gone to heaven and assumed that he was now pain free and happy and running around like the little nut case he used to be. He was, as are our other cats, always indoors; so everything I do and everything I see reminds me of him. But after his visit I felt completely assured that he was happy and safe and healthy once again and that he would be with us again in the future. Even though I still missed him so, I knew I would constantly keep re-visiting this so very special visit from him and felt so anxious to see him again. As he always did when he was with us, he gave me a sense of peace in the middle of chaos. I had to run down to my husband’s shop and immediately tell him what I had experienced, he was happy that it had made me feel a little less sad.

But then this morning I suddenly developed this all-consuming feeling of such dire guilt. Could I have done more???? When I realized on Friday that there was enough going on that I chose to change his vet appointment, why didn’t I make the effort to take him directly there at that time???? Could it have made a difference??? I keep remembering what Kirby told me yesterday about being sad that he is gone, but I am having a really hard time with the fact that I actually may have caused the events that lead up to his death. How do I live with that???? I loved him so much and yet I may have killed him by delaying what might have been done to save him. I am so sad that I can hardly think straight...

 

 

MyLittleBoyChamp

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #11 
It is quite clear that you loved Kirby very much, and that you love all your pets.  I'm not sure any animal could ask for more.  It is tough when your pet gets older and cats are especially good at hiding their illnesses and pain.  Don't second guess yourself, you spent quality time with your dear Kirby.  Had you brought him in on Friday that may have been the last day with him.  Think of it as having an extra couple of days with him.

It's also very hard when you don't really know to what extent your animal is suffering.  As humans, I think we sometimes want to defer our own pain and think about ourselves too much.  I don't think you did this in your situation, I am only bringing this up because I feel like I may have done this at times but then I realize that my little boy went on his own terms and he had a good life until his last day. 

Please remember the good times you had with Kirby and the love you still enjoy with your other pets.

Tonight has been hard on me, a little over a week since my little boy left but it is still so fresh.  It is very hard even typing this.  A grown man shouldn't have so many tears but I miss him so much.  I will say a prayer for your Kirby tonight.  God Bless.
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