Registered: 1208865650 Posts: 5
I wasnt prepared for how i would feel... I didnt know what to expect, then to walk in there and be handed a little cardboard box with "Kitty Baker" written on it (Baker is my last name), to see my beautiful, loving, bright-eyed cat reduced to this... ashes in a cardboard box.
Admittedly, they were nice about it... I thought she was just loose in this horrible grey cardboard box, but we opened it (it had instructions to open it, so i figured there must be a reason) and inside was another, smaller, box that was green and had a couple of fake flowers on it. There was also a sympathy card, which i havent opened yet. I chose to leave the prettier box in the grey box, because it is still just a cardboard box, and i dont know if it might leak (for want of a better word!) and i couldnt bear the thought of her ashes being disrespected in that way. I placed the box on my shelf, with her picture and a rose quartz carving of a cat on top. Today, i plan to put Mousey (her favourite toy), a catnip toy she loved and her old collar into the box, next to her ashes box... I cried like a baby when we got home, yet in some way i am a little comforted too... the harsh, cold, emptiness of the house has receeded a little, its like in a small way she is home again. I can talk to her again now, and that gives me some comfort. Im so sick with grief, though... literally. I've had an almost constant headache since she passed, i feel sick all the time and i cant sleep. When i do finally get to sleep, i wake up feeling sick and just pull the covers over my head. Today, i have to see the doctor because my fiance is worried about me, he wants me checked out just in case. He thinks that i will be able to sleep once i accept that i did not kill her, i spared her a lot of pain, and once i accept that she has gone on to a happier place. I just dont know, i feel like hell, and part of me thinks i deserve that for what i did to her, and the rest of me just wishes i could snuggle up with her like i used to when one of us wasnt feeling well.
Registered: 1182281874 Posts: 540
Dear Gemma, I am so so very sorry for your loss. I can feel your raw pain in the words you wrote about your beloved Kitty. Believe me the first few weeks after a loss such as yours will truly be some of your darkest days and everything that you are feeling and going thru is totally normal. The sickness feeling, headaches, not sleeping and not wanting to eat. It is all due to the extreme grief you are feeling. I do hope that in time that it eases for you and that you know in your heart you have nothing to feel guilty about and you are not being punished for anything. Guilt is an ugly monster that will eat you alive if you let it and you can't. I am still suffering from extreme guilt myself for making that decision as well and it has been 10 months for me since we put down our Peanut. Having to make that decision is sooo very difficult because it is the very last thing we want to do but on the other hand when they are suffering and sick it is also one last gift that we can give to them.. free them from their pain when they can't do it themselves. That is the one job as a furparent we all wished we didn't have I am sure. I am glad you have Kitty home with you now and that it helped to comfort you. I felt the same way when we brought Peanut's ashes home. I thought I would be a lunatic when I saw her box and although it was hard to imagine my sweet little girl reduced to ashes in a little oak box, I felt extreme comfort knowing that Peanut was back at home with us, her favorite place in the world. I suffer from migraines and that first week without her was the worst of my life. I had a constant migraine and couldn't sleep either and I felt like I was moving in slow motion and to do anything was a struggle. It is hard to learn to live our daily lives and go thru our daily routines without them with us because everything once revolved around them and their routines. When I was sick Peanut was the perfect sick companion. She would curl up next to me and not move until I did, even if it was all day long. She slept with us every single night between our pillows and I would go to sleep each night hearing her soft snores and smelling her stinky comforting doggie smell and still to this day I wake up every morning and I miss that soooo much. She will be forever imprinted on my heart and soul just as your Kitty will be on yours as well. Please take care and be gentle to yourself and I do hope that your headaches and sleeplessness goes away soon.
Registered: 1205159567 Posts: 1,015
Dear gemma – I’m so sorry for your loss and all of the grief and sorrow that comes along with it. My 21+ year old kitty Rusty left me 10 weeks and 4 days ago. The wound and heartache are as raw as the day he left me. I feel emptiness like nothing I’ve ever felt before . . . As I've written a few times, I’ve come to realize that my overwhelming grief & sorrow is because our souls and spirits are so connected . . . I am him, and he is me. Knowing and accepting this seems to have helped me understand the depth of my brevity and loss. It doesn’t lessen it, just provides some clarity for me. When Rusty’s cremains were delivered to me I almost fell to me knees when I read “1 lb.” on the box. My sweet love, oh so tiny . . . but Rusty is at home with me now. I couldn’t imagine him anywhere else but here at home where he belongs. He’s in his new “home” now. A good friend of mine gave me a beautiful box with space for photos on each side. I placed his ashes in a gold gingham bag, along with his certificate inside the box. I put a rose in there the other day, for no particular reason other than it seemed like something he’d like. His home sits on top of an end table in our kitchen. This is one of the very last spots he liked to sleep, in his bed, under the lamp. I kiss him good night, good morning, and so many times in between. I miss him so. I hope you continue to find comfort in having your baby back home, in the place she knew and loved so well. Warm hugs, Rusty’s Mom.
Registered: 1157268148 Posts: 555
Dear Gemma, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. It can be so hard when we get their ashes back to think of them in that form. You just have to remember that those are only the earthly remains of a body your baby no longer needs. She has no need of that body now for she runs free at Rainbow Bridge with her new young healthy heavenly body and her spirit soars. Though it was very hard to think of my boy that way I did feel like i had him back home with me where he belonged. Even though I know he is at the bridge in some way I feel like I can keep him safe here with me by having his ashes at home. When I made the arrangements for his cremation I ordered his ashes be placed in a blue ceramic urn and paid extra for that. Sadly when I got them back they had been placed in a white urn with purple flowers painted on it. All I could think at the time is OMG he was allergic to all plants trees grasses and weeds all his life. This is just great now he has to be stuck with flowers on his urn. Then it dawned on me that he no longer has those allergies. When we are so in deep sorrow everything hurts so much even the smallest things. I have since gotten a beautiful wooden box to place his urn inside. That way I don't have to look at the urn I didn't order. It also protects the urn from being broken, It may make you feel a little better to either purchase an urn and have her ashes transferred into it. Some crematoriums will do that especially if you purchase the urn from them. Either way you might want to check on line for wooden boxes and place the box you have inside one. My heart and prayers are with you. Love and Peace, AurichWolf Kathy
Registered: 1200304358 Posts: 71
So sorry for your loss, I know how hard it is to pick up the ashes. It's awful to have your little critter's life reduced to a little box. I cried and cried when I brought my kitty's ashes home, they were in a velvet bag and it took me a long time to open the bag: inside was a small metal box with a picture of kittens playing on a windowsill filled with flowers, and I just started crying all over again. I know what you mean, to have those bright, shiny eyes and lightning-fast little paws reduced to a cold, hard metal box was more than I could bear. How awful to carry around this pain. I just keep trying to remember all the fun times we had together, 15 years of wonderful memories. I laugh whenever I remember how I used to stick my toe out from the sheets every morning and he would paw at my foot.
I hope you know that your kitty still loves you very much, and nothing can ever change that. A million years with a special little friend wouldn't be enough time, but yet during their short lives they give us an eternity of love, warmth, and companionship. I want to believe that this love lasts forever, no matter what.