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Buffaronie

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Posts: 94
 #1 
3 weeks ago yesterday we put down our 13 year old Lhaso Apso.  Among kidney issues that has been off and on for 3 years, then dementia.  She was our baby.  We tried everything we could do  to keep her healthy.  After we put her down, I cried and cried for days on end. Still crying... Putting her things away and then seeing all the medicine I had put into her just made me sick.  Was it for my good or her's is the question I am constantly asking myself. 

I look over the stages of grieving, and they are right on the mark.  Even tho there's a stage you don't think you will go through...WRONG...you do.  I am having a problem with the guilty stage for some reason.  There were a few nights I was just overwhelmed by what the disease was doing to Buffy.  Knowing darn good and well she couldn't control it, I would get mad because she wouldn't lay down and sleep she wanted to get up and pace...she didn't realize I had to go to work the next day... 

Towards the end I  think seizures of some kind started in and she was really having a difficult time...and it tore my heart out when the vet said her quality of life is gone.  At that point, so was mine. 

We had her cremated, the hardest part of that was having to leave her in a freezer for 4 days because the crematory only picked up on Wednesdays...I had a BIG problem with the freezer.  I wanted to go to the vet and get her and bring her home.  Oh I was a mess.  I will never ever ever put a pet down again on a weekend...it just really messes up the whole weekend. During the week I am busy at work, and some how in my mind I am thinking that would keep me busy to not think about it as much...I could be wrong tho.

Now her ashes are here at home and I feel better, but I miss her so much it hurts.  When does it start getting better?  Somedays I don't feel like I am doing enough to memorialize Buffy.  I don't want anyone to ever forget this wonderful wonderful companion that shared our lives. 

I feel so much compassion for pet owners who are going through this or who are foreseeing it.  It's heart wrenching.

Darian

Registered:
Posts: 282
 #2 
I'm so sorry about Buffy.  It sounds like you did absolutely everything you could to try to keep her healthy and comfortable.  You did the right thing by releasing her from her pain.  For most of us,  guilt is the most overwhelming part of the grieving process. For me,  I spend the guilt part of my process, hating  myself for decisions I made, hating the vet for not doing more,  blaming others who I thought could have been more helpful.    But eventually the stage "acceptance"  comes along.  It sneaks up on you and you don't really realize it.   It's been just over 3 months for me and I've just recently got there.   Like you, I did not want anyone to forget my handsome little boy, Captain,  so his urn with a smiling picture of him sits on our cabinet,  his picture is framed on our dining room table and I display various pics of him as my facebook profile picture regularly. 

Keeping busy is key,  but I found during the early weeks that I only pretended to keep busy at work.  I couldn't concentrate.  I focussed only on him and his absence.    Missing them is fierce.   Coming home from work and not seeing this squirming,  happy bundle of joy is the worst.  He was the first pair of eyes I saw every morning!  Hubby would sleep an hour later than me, so as I made my way to the kitchen I would come upon little Captain as he greeted me with good morning kisses and snuggles.   The truth is, the only reason I stopped crying daily was because I became too physically tired of it.   I was tired of going to work and hearing "do you have a cold?"  and lying that yes I did,  because my eyes were red and puffy.  It will come to a point where you realize that your Buffy would not want you to be sad.   She would want you to live like she and all animals do, with zest for the day at hand and little worry for tomorrow.   Come back and tell us about Buffy's wonderful life.  I'm sure she had the best of everything.
--Dar,   Captain's Mommy
14

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #3 
I know exactly how you are feeling. I lost my dog one month ago and I will say my heart has not hurt this much for some humans that I have lost. I understand your pain and you will find your path as I am trying to. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Simon and I still have times of crying.  I am keeping busy, and that helps, but still it doesn't change the fact that we have to accept our loved animals are gone. Stay strong, you are not alone here.  Buffy sounds like she had a blessed and wonderful life. Please let me know how you are doing. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Simon's mom

Buffaronie

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #4 
Buffy was a pound rescue, she captivated out hearts from the moment we saw her.  She has lived in Texas, California, Texas again and Florida.  She's traveled  the USA and Mexico with us.  Every shopping venue that would allow dogs, Buffy was with us.  When my husband would travel...me and Buff would have girls night out...out to eat (She loved McDonalds hamburgers) and Home Depot, Lowe's and places that would kick us out...I never went back to them.  They are now out of business...not by my boycotting, but it makes me smile.   Buffy loved the golf cart, she loved hanging her head out of the window when it was 10 degrees and wind blowing 90 to nothing...crazy dog.  She loved people, she greeted you every time like she hadn't seen you in years...she was such a happy go lucky dog.  She was my best friend.  When my husband traveled, she was my companion.  Now my husband still travels and the house is so empty and quiet. 

Buffy started having kidney issues about 3 years ago and when the vet called me I was in the middle of Sears and I just started bawling...not a good site.

We managed to get her bloodwork under control with proper diet. Buffy's hearing went and then slowly her eyes.  But she could get around the house just fine.    I would come home at lunch from work and play Sweet Caroline on the piano for her...she always fell asleep...don't know if it was my bad playing or if  it relaxed her...I'd like to think that latter.  But then CCD set in, or known as dementia.  The disease is very ugly.  She started pacing and panting. Anipryl was the drug of choice...almost a year to the day we started Anipryl she passed away.  She started staring into corners, lost her reverse, seemed to be very dioriented at times...very sad..but she ate good, slept all night...so we managed it.  Then I think she started having seizures, the issue became more neurological than anything.  So Phenobarb and a liquid med...that lasted 2 days and then diarhea and I was holding her up so she wouldn't fall into her poop...I new my borrowed time was up.  I was hoping maybe another trick my vet could pull out of his pocket...but there weren't any. 

The dreadful Saturday morning she almost looked as if she was telling me she's tired...she just wanted to sleep.  From the time we got to the vets office, she was sleeping...had no energy.. my wonderful Dr Grigsby talked to us, and told me.."remember when I told you that I would tell you when her quality of life is over"  I said yes, and through the tears, he said "it's over" .  I didn't want to hear the words.  .it was the hardest DAMN thing I ever have done.  There was nothing else anyone could do to bring my dear Buffy back to me.  The vet said, "I will tell you, you do not want to see Buffy go into cardiac arrest and it be the middle of the night and you are by yourself, trust me, you don't want that to happen and he said sooner or later it would... 

She was sleeping very peacefully when he administered the over dose of anesthesia...I don't think she even felt it.  He let us say our good bys again and I held her when the 2nd shot was given, and it was over.  My sweet Buffy was gone.  I cried uncontrollably.  Then I had to endure her being in a freezer until the crematory picked her up...that was almost unbearable. 

I now have her at home and I am still crying.  It's been 3 weeks.

Like Simon's Mom said....I don't have the same hurt for humans that I have lost.  It's true.  

I know we made the right decision for Buffy.  It's just so hard...and I don't know what I can do to get me out of this funk.

I have babbled on enough, thanks for your replys and  thanks for listening..


Buffaronie

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #5 


I sent out Buffy's Obit to all on Buffy's Christmas card list.  Requesting donations be sent to the shelter in Texas where we adopted her.  As of last Friday, they had received $1030.  I am so thankful to all who donated in Buffy's name.  I am sure she's happy as well. 
Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,059
 #6 
Buffy is adorable.  I am sorry that she had to endure her many health issues.  Our pets mean the world to us and it is heartbreaking when they become so ill and no cure can be found for them.  I know how hard it is coping without the love of your life.  Each day is hard to welcome knowing that Buffy has passed on.  In time, the intense pain of loss will begin to ease up and you will find peace.  Your petloss family is here for you.

Mare
precious Christoph ~ sweet bunny boy ~

LoriDR

Registered:
Posts: 2,123
 #7 
My heart goes out to you in the loss of Buffy. What a beautiful picture of her.

I too, took my dog everywhere that would allow me to, and he was a big dog to some ... 60 pounds. It's so tough when they are your constant companion, and to have that huge piece gone. It's difficult to not see them there, to not feel there energy. I used to feel my boy's energy even when he was in another room.

My boy died of kidney issues too. His we couldn't get to to go into remission ... we tried ... but to no avail. He died within 10 days of being diagnosed. In those few short days, he paced a lot too. I didn't understand, if he was dying, why he had so much energy, unable to lie down. The vet told me he was uncomfortable ... suffering ... so we had to make the dreaded decision.

I'm telling you this so you know you aren't alone. It's so tough to watch them suffer, and then to have them gone. It's a strange feeling not having them there, not to mention the agonizing pain. You have found the right place to share.

Hugs of comfort,
Lori

Buffaronie

Registered:
Posts: 94
 #8 
Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and support.  I appreciate each of you and I really don't feel alone in my grieving.   You have no idea how good it feels to get emails of people that understand. 

Thank you all very very much. 

Lois


CReed

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #9 
Your Buffy was a beautiful pooch.  I am so sorry for your loss.

Wow your story really got me crying again.  I lost my rat terrier, Emmy, 6 weeks ago.  Everything you have written I pretty much felt down to leaving her in the freezer as well until she could be picked up for cremation. 

But luckily I realized that I did everything I could to give my little friend a shot at a good life.   So the guilt stage for me was not a bad as I thought it was going to be.  We had the vet come to our home to free Emmy from her pain.  Of course that is when mine went into high gear.  

I just hope that you are able to come to terms with the reality that you provided Buffy with a great life and be able to focus on that.  You were there every step of the way with her and you were there to see her move on.  She knew that.  

I hope you start to feel less pain.  However I am going to be honest with you I am not doing all that great myself.  I cannot believe how much it hurts.  I have had many pets but this one really stings. 

Hang in there and thank you for sharing your story with us.

Cindy 
rznmom

Registered:
Posts: 127
 #10 
Your sweet Buffy sounds absolutely adorable.  What a wonderful life she lived.  I am sure she was so very happy that you were her Mom.  You took wonderful care of her and did everything for her you could. 

I am still crying, too.  I think it's just something you really never get over, but learn to live differently.  Some days when the pain is so bad, I start to think about how absolutely lucky I was to have this wonderful cat come into my life.   I can't imagine my life having never known him.  So, although the pain is terrible, it is worth having his love and knowing him.  

Hugs to you!
Nubis's Mommy
Berta

Registered:
Posts: 541
 #11 
My heart also goes out to you in the loss of Buffy. What a beautiful little pooch. I know how your heart is breaking right now. It hurts so very much. The loss of such a special and dear friend will hurt for a long time, I'm afraid. We just have to ride out that pain and grief and go with it until it subsides. But it will subside and become easier to live with with time.
Buffy had a wonderful life and a wonderful family. She was a lucky dog to have you for a mom and care for her so well. She is still with you and her love surrounds you.
The guilt is perfectly normal. We all feel it for some reason or another. It is just part of the grieving process, no matter what the circumstances. I hope you won't waste too much time feeling unnecessary guilt. You did everything you could for your Bufffy. I know she knows this and loves you and appreciates this.
My heart goes out to you and I will pray for peace and comfort for you in this painful time. Take care of yourself.

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