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imissmyLou

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #1 

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since Louie has been gone.  One day i got up and he was not acting right I quickly got him to the Vet.  By the time i got back to work the Vet called and said Louie could die at any moment.  He said Louie had a massive infection and he didn't know where it was coming from.  I left work and went to go see him and he seemed better he was walking and happy and running. While I was holding him him neck went limp and he could not seem to pick it up.  I asked what was wrong and they said that he had a seizure earlier and ever since he would do that. I left him thinking everything was going to be fine.  My dog was a fighter!  Doc asked me if I wanted to send him to an overnight hospital.  I asked his opinion and he said he thought Louie was doing great and he didn't think he needed it.  I agreeded.  8:30 a.m the next day the Doctor called and said that Louie took a turn for the worse and he thought I should put him down.  he thought the infection had spread to his brain and left him paralyzed. i was in complete and utter shock.  I went by myself up there to see him and he could not move, but he was with it.  His ears went strait up as soon as I walked into the room, he heard my heels, i know it.  he followed me everywhere with his eyes.  Every time I walked away his ears would be moving all over and his eyes were searching for me.  I ended up staying for about 2 hours, I could not leave him, he was my everything. They asked if I wanted to stay while they gave him the meds, I was so out of it and just thrown into this situation, I coulden't do it.  I apologized to Louie repeatedly.  As i turned to walk out the door he started to have another seizure.  I feel so guilty for leaving him to die by himself.  i should have stayed. i didn't stay because of my own selfish reasons because i didn't think I could do it.  I never thought about him and how he was probably so scared, especially when I walked out of the room. I feel horrible.  I know he is with God in a way better place but that still does not help.  I pray to God everyday to heal me and my family but it only seems to get worse. I really feel like I may go crazy.  My fiance has had it with me talking and putting up picture of him.   i don't even like to tell him how I am feeling or what I am thinking because he gets angry, but I am sooooo sad.  The craziest thing is I catch myself forgetting for seconds when I am about to walk in the door and I expect him to be there and than reality sets in and it burns. i feel like this is so abnormal that it should not hurt this bad. I never imagined that it would be like this.  Please someone tell me it gets easier and better because I do not see it and I am hoping and praying.

 

 



cheeseburgersmom

Registered:
Posts: 355
 #2 
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Louie.

All of the feelings you are feeling are normal; the denial, sadness, guilt, anger, but remember Louie knows you love him. He is in a better place now, and he is free from pain and sickness. He is happy, healthy and strong again.

Please know there are so many caring and understanding people here for you, and the chatroom is a great place to connect with others who are experiencing the same devastating loss as you are.

Your Louie will be in your heart always. The unconditional, pure, innocent love these sweet angels bring to our lives is so powerful it cannot simply end when they leave us.

Bless your precious Louie.

Dee
Cheeseburger's Mom
cheeseburger1997@yahoo.com



My Handsome Boy Cheeseburger





fab1835

Registered:
Posts: 104
 #3 

I am so sorry about the loss of your Louie.Losing a furbaby is like losing a child.Jingles,our yorkie was 2 months shy of years old when he died.We brought him to the vet that Saturday because he was wheezing after he sneezed twice and I gave him his pill but it didn't help.The vet said his whole trachea collapsed,gave him a shot & pills and said he'd be alright.He wasn't.We had to bring him back again and they gave him oxygen.Again the vet said he would make it.When we got home my husband and I took turns stayimng with him.I started cleaning the bathroom because the vet said he'd be okay.As soon as I walked back into the living room Jingles took his last two breaths and died.The whole time he was suffering I didn't even hold him because he was breathing from his stomach.I was really angry at the vet for saying he'd be alright.The only thing we can do is remember the good times-keep a journal and a scrapbook.We'll always miss them.I know Jingles and Louie are hanging out together at Rainbow Bridge.God Bless You.

Lnette

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #4 

I'm so sorry about your Louie. It's 3 weeks for me today and the guilt is driving me crazy. If there was an undo button on life I would have used it. I would have re-done those last moments. But we both have to tell ourselves that we gave these special loves the best lives that we could and I know that they would never judge or love us less for how those finally moments went.  Keep coming here. It's what helps me when I'm over come with that burning grief and craziness you describe. I try to spare my hubby the tears. He just didn't have the bond with her like I did. She was truly my first child. I will say a prayer for us and our Louie and Josie. Take care.  Lnette

Van

Registered:
Posts: 58
 #5 

I can see how you are torturing yourself for having not felt, at the time, that it was possible for you to be there when your little Louie transitioned out of this life.  The fact is though, my friend, had you been there you would have still tortured yourself for having let someone put a needle into your baby to end their life.

When you love a little one the way we all do their passing is complicated and very, very tough. We are experts at guilt and very good at forgetting that everything we did, we did because we loved them so very much.  The reason you couldn't watch your Louie die was because you loved him deeply, too much to watch his life pass out of this one and onto the next. I believe Louie knew that at the time, and he knows it now. He knew that even though you weren't physically next to him, your heart and soul didn't leave his side, not even for a minute.

Please be easy on yourself.  The only thing you did "wrong" was love your baby very, very much. And there is nothing wrong with that.

--Van
Gruntsmomforever

Registered:
Posts: 699
 #6 
Dear Louie's Mom,

I'm so very sorry you had to say farewell to your Beloved boy, Louie.  It is a terrible shock to lose a precious one, and the pain is often unbearable.  Your grief is so raw right now and many many things will run through your mind and it hurts - I, too, thought I would just lose it, and I could not bear the reality of living without my boy.  This is a good place to come to let your feelings out - we all understand so well what you are going through because we've been through it too.  We are all here for each other, and we care.

Your Louie is in a loving place, healthy and whole again.  And he watches over you with all the love you shared during his life.

Hugs,
Katharine, Grunt's Mom Forever   
Georgeann

Registered:
Posts: 2,245
 #7 
I am so sorry for your loss of Precious Louie.  What you are feeling is normal.  Louie was your baby.  I lost my Precious Angel Christopher over 15 months ago and my life is still a nightmare.  I cry for him every day and will Forever.  I do not know how many times I asked God to let me go with Christopher.  The pain is overwhelming.  I understand how you are feeling; all of us understand how you are feeling as we all are feeling the same.  I too keep my feelings to myself as those around me lost patience with my grief.  Christopher was my Heart, My Soul, and My Best Friend.  I will miss him Forever and no one is ever going to change my feelings for him.    I am so fortunate that I have my petloss family.  They have been here for me all times of the day and night.  Everyone here understands your grief and will always be here to support you.  Grieve as long as you need to and know that we are always here when you need us. 

Big Hugs
Georgeann and Christopher
Forever
Shiannon

Registered:
Posts: 76
 #8 
Shame on your fiance for not supporting you in your grief. You need support, those feelings you have are normal, believe me. Your furbaby was everything to you, just like my baby was to me. I am lucky that my husband has cried with me and tried to support me, even though he is grieving for his little lost mate too.

Keep that picture up, as many as you can. I kiss my baby's picture every day. Every morning when I get out of bed and every night before I go to bed too.

We too thought our baby would be alright. At first it started with just a hurt back in the car. He took a turn for the worse when his immune system went down and a bacteria got into his blood. We tried everything, took him to the hospital, did what we could.

I will always regret watching him struggle to breath in the ICU and walking away to get a few hours sleep, because they said that they would call us if he deteriorated further. They called a half hour after we left to tell me that he had slipped away. He was just too tired to struggle any more. I also feel that I let him down, not being there for him when he took his final breath.
Even though we went back and said our final goodbyes and cuddles, I feel like I let him down.  I'm sure that you can relate to this. Please remember that Louie loved you and he knew that you loved him. This is what I keep telling myself everyday. Do what you have to do to remember him, to make yourself feel a little better.

My thoughts and prayers are with our baby's.

Shiannon, Jackson's mum.
Nuggetsmum

Registered:
Posts: 251
 #9 
imissmylou,

Oh how I cried reading your message. I am so sorry for all your pain over losing your little boy and for not being there in his final moments. Please, I know it is hard, but please try not to be too hard on yourself, Louie knew how much you loved him, he forgives you, he loves you so much. You have so much to deal with right now grieving your boy, please be kind to yourself. You know we all have some guilt, I still feel incredibly guilty about my Nugget....but Louie's love for your was so pure and even if you think you let him down and that he wanted you there, he has forgiven you because he LOVES YOU! He is now running free and wtahcing over you!

A big cuddle to you,

Nuggetsmum Alana
rupertsmum

Registered:
Posts: 820
 #10 
So sorry for the loss of Louie.  I lost my Rupert in January due to kidney disease.  Still very painful to think about the last 2 weeks of his life.  I try to focus on the earlier years when he was well.  You are grieving and forget your fiance, he has the problem.  Maybe you need someone more compassionate.  I kiss Rupert's enlarged photos and I talk to him everyday.  It is my way of coping, some days I get through, some days I don't.  My friend, husband and kids have all moved on but I am still in pain. I try to keep my crying to when no-one is around for that reason.  Grieving takes all forms, anger, sadness, and trying to think of what went wrong and blaming yourself.  I got a book on Pet Loss by Robin Grey.  It helped me to realise I was not mad.  I have lost cats before but this boy was my friend and companion and I am devastated.

Time is a healer.  It has been 21 weeks for me but it is a little easier.  Give yourself time and seek out compassionate friends and this website.  We have all been where you are. It is completely normal to feel this way.

Ruperts Mum
imissmyLou

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #11 

First of all I would like to thank all of you for your comments, they have made me feel so much better, you have no idea.  I want to say that I forgot to mention that Louie was a Yorkie and he was going to be 5 November, 13th 4 days b4 my birthday. 

 

I would like to share with you guys something that happened last night that brought me comfort in a weird way.  I have 2 sons, Seth 11 and Sam 3.  Sam does not fully understand what has happened with Louie, I just tell him that Louie is in heaven w/ God and Jesus and he lives in our heart and I'll point to my heart.  So I was trying to get him to bed and I will lie down and pray with him.  So as we lay there he says "Mom I see Louie!!" (Very imaginative kid here, LOVES the game pretend) So I go along with it, "U do?" "Yeah I do Mom and he says he loves you." I was like what?  For some reason this made me feel comforted.  I said "Well tell him I love him more and I miss him a lot."  He repeats what I say as if he were really there.  "Louie says he miss's u too Mom".  Me, I'm like OK enough, I say "Sam tell Louie it's late and we have to go to sleep so go up to heaven now".  He repeats it and says "Louie said he's already in heaven Mom."  I know, it's silly but I do believe in spirits and that children see them.  God, knows I have seen Louie in the house, on our bed many of times.  It just felt so good to hear that.  I can't tell you why but it did.  Mayb it was just Sam being silly and making stuff up.But for how crappy I was feeling yesterday hearing that made today better.

 

Ok, as far as my fiancé, he has been very supportive, through it all but he is more just the type like "dust off and move on"  Louie was our family dog but I have never had a pet that was all mine, Louie was all mine.  He would be any-ones companion but only if I was not around.  As soon as I got home nobody had a chance with him, he always wanted to be right by me.  I think a lot of my fiancés problem too, is that he always would make comments like, we could just open the door and tell the boys he ran away, stuff like that and I think he feels guilty for saying stuff like that.  I think he did it too, to get a rise out of me because he knew Louie was my Baby and I would get mad.  He would always say “you love that dog more that you love me”. I would laugh, bc I knew that is when he felt neglected or wanted attention. I know he misses him a lot too, I think he is just grieving differently.  At first he would not even talk about it now he will so I think we have made baby steps.

 

I do have to tell you one other thing, Louie was SCREWY!! That actually was his nick name Screwy Louie.  This dog was naughty!! He got into everything!!! It drove me crazy!! But I loved it.  He would get on the table, eat our underwear and socks, I have a ton of socks w/ little itty bitty teeth marks. You could not kiss him because before you could get to him he'd lick u in the mouth.  He was so funny, he had character.  I honestly think he was a puppy mill puppy.  When I got him, my son and I went to this puppy store and we were just holding different dogs, but when we got Louie I feel in LoVe! He was different than all the other dogs, he nuzzled me and it was a different connection.  We came back for a week strait every time praying he would still be there.  On day we went and he was gone, they tried to give us his brother and this dog was so scarred of us he peed.  My son and I were shook to the core, we were so sad. I was so made at myself for not getting him.  It was Valentine’s weekend and we went out to dinner and went out of town to different dog places. On the way home I told my fiancé lets just stop so you can see his brothers, so he could see what he looked like.  So we did and the girl came out and said “we didn't sell the dog, his brothers were not letting him get any food so we put him in the back”.  I bought him that day! He got really sick shortly after we got him and I had to pay 800 dollars for that vet visit, he was a fighter, he got sick a couple of times but always pulled through I didn't know anything about puppy mills to years later but I know he was and I think they put him in the back bc he was not right and dying and than they sold him to me.  Although I don't agree with puppy mills I am glad I got Louie, I like to think I saved his life from that puppy store.  Sucks they sold me a sick dog but he was mine and I would not change a thing.  Thank you guys for making me feel welcome and not alone.  I really appreciate it!

 

~d Louie’s Mom

 

 

 

Lucifer

Registered:
Posts: 24
 #12 
Dear Louie's Mom,
Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Grief is grief and it is not reserved for just the loss of human loved ones. In fact, it can be harder in some ways when you lose a pet because people tend to be more understanding about the loss of a human loved one. But, please know that you can come here and talk about how you feel and about your Louie as much as you like and need to. I can't say enough how wonderful the folks I've encountered here are, and please know that we are all here because we have been through it or are going through it now.

Sometimes you just have to take things not just one day at a time, but one minute at a time. Allow yourself all the time you need to grieve.
You are in my thoughts and prayers,
Lucifer    
opusman007

Registered:
Posts: 64
 #13 
Dear Louie's Mom,

Our Trooper died of Congestive Heart Failure little over 7 months ago.  We took him to a vet about 2 hrs away (it was during the weekend).  He died there in s strange place.  We stayed in the office all night long.  About 5:30 the next morning the came out to the lobby to tell use that Trooper was gone.  He was only 5 months old.

I know that what you are feeling is real, and normal.  Us pet owners have a special place in our hearts for our furbabies.  What I have to do is to take it one day at a time.  Some are good and some are bad.

As for your fiance, I pray that he will come around and understand your pain.  Nothing against him, but maybe he doesn't understand the kind of love you have for your Louie.  I hope some day he will.

Take care, The Opusman


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