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MandasMomma

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Posts: 452
 #1 

    I feel Awful.  I think I've been coping,  grieving...taking care of the Babies,  working,  doing pretty damn good,  since 'Manda went to Heaven...

    I allow my feelings....I cry at home...I talk to her at Night....I can feel and smell her,  alot of times.  All of it is do-able and feels healing.

    Today,  at my PT Job,  at the pharmacy,  'Manda's Doctor walked in, who has taken care of her for  years, and sent her to God.  I hadn't seen Dru since that Day.  We email,  etc....but when I saw her lovely face,  unexpectedly,  the tears started pouring down my cheeks....and I couldn't speak.  She knew why...she hugged me and I had to go "in the back" to compose myself.

   Why did that happen?  Is she my last "tie" to 'Manda?  She is a Doctor and a Professional Vet.....she does this every day,  altho she is sensitive and caring.

   I'm not so much,  ashamed of my reaction to Dru...as I am surprised at the intensity of it.  Now,  I'm doubting my healing/grief/pain. 

   Am I crazy? 

KatLover

Registered:
Posts: 842
 #2 
No, of course not!  I'll tell you something that amazed me.  I had Sheeba's photo imprinted on a heart locket.  When I showed it to my husband, he began to cry...this was months later after her passing, and I've written how he didn't seem to understand.  But that one thing reached into his heart.  Just like that visit from your vet reached into your heart.  Healing takes a long time--we don't expect a broken leg to heal over night.  I go through the same thing, I'm doing better, but then I take a step back.  You're alright, and you know in your heart that your Manda is alright too where she's at. 

Peace and healing to you--
Kathy

River

Registered:
Posts: 262
 #3 
You're not crazy. It is amazing how time does help to heal our broken hearts, but just as their precious life changed us, so does their loss change us forever. Seeing something or someone that brings you back to that moment, especially when it isn't expected will bring back some of the emotions you experienced at the time. You should never be ashamed of feeling those emotions, and the intensity will take you by surprise, but you are still working through your grief. May peace be with you.
MandasMomma

Registered:
Posts: 452
 #4 

   You are right.  Crazy has nothing to do with it.  The intensity frightened me.  Today...reading your thoughts,  and allowing the feelings,  it Does make sense.

   Because I have Anxiety and Bi-Polar disorders...I am ultra-sensitive to losing control.  The explanations you gave to me make complete sense.

   'Manda's Passing was huge and should evoke intensity....the way we loved one another.  There's nothing "crazy" about that.

    Thank you,  my Friends.

   Debbie

judesmom

Registered:
Posts: 1,901
 #5 
remember the old michael jackson song............

debbie says.........why, why

tell her that it's human nature

it was a shock to you debbie.  plain and simple.   you had no way of knowing that your vet would show up and your defences were not 'up' to protect and guard you.     it all came hitting you  WHAM!  right in the face...............that day that manda had to go back to God.    your loss is still so very new and i would venture to say that you're still a bit in the shock and denial stages.    you know she is gone, you know you have to cope and are doing things to help you get through the day.  but the wound is still very fresh and raw. 

 the human mind is a curious beast.................it has many defences to help us get through tragic events until we are strong enough  mentally and emotionally again to look at it more closely without that acute pain that comes in the early stages.      you're still on that rocky crummy roller coaster ride from hell and it doesn't take much to trigger those strong emotions.
anyone would have had the same reaction.      years ago when i lost a much loved kitty to kidney failure, i had him out at our vet hospital at the university for several days.   they did what they could for him-i brought him home-it was obvious something was going very wrong and he died on the drive back to the university.    a week or so later the vet that i was dealing with called to talk to me and i about had a panic attack when i realized it was him on the phone.   too much pain...........too many strong emotions came rushing back in.............i did not expect his call so it took me completely off guard.   i wasn't prepared for his call and you were not prepared to see your vet that day.    your reaction was very normal and is all a part of human nature.   you are not crazy-you are just human.

take care dear one and wrap yourself up in all that love that you so unselfishly give to others.

MandasMomma

Registered:
Posts: 452
 #6 

  As always,  Dawn....you speak the truth and. sense...with Wisdom and Love.

  You are a Gift to all of us...'Manda,  The Dude,  Kitties longer Passed.....

  When God gave me this Family,  The Dude,  Baby Willow...knowing in His Heart that Pooh was going Home....He also gave me you....my friend Dawn....ALSO a Gift from God.

   I Love You....
judesmom

Registered:
Posts: 1,901
 #7 
just trying to help out there darlin'.

love you too-dawn
jewelsmama

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #8 
I lost my Jewel (14yr old whippet) yesterday. She had been ill, and was progressively getting worse.  It got to the point where she began to fall down and hurt herself, so I had to make the decision I was dreading.  I have never put down a pet and it was so difficult.  The guilt is what I think is the worst because I made the decision.  I know it was best for her, but my heart tells me differently and it hurts like hell.  I feel like I have a hole in my soul now that she is gone, and like the poster I am replying to, the triggers are everywhere.  I was washing her bedding which was a daily ritual because she had problems with incontinence, and even seeing the soiled bedding made me break down in tears.  It is so hard to go out without having some sort of memory, even the street I have to pass where I bought her dogfood.  I miss her SO much, and it is a real challenge when you talk to someone who doesn't understand the real love we have for our animals.  It is no different to me than losing a family member because that is exactly what she was.  I try to fill myself up with the memories of her, but the grief seems to just overwhelm them.  I am glad I found this website, at least I know there are others who understand exactly what I am feeling.  Jewel had a gift for that.  She had this keen sense to pick up on my emotions.  I miss her and loved her so much.  I hope she knew that.
sammie_jo

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #9 
MandasMomma, your reaction was perfectly understandable. You loved 'Manda very much and you miss her. Your love for her will never die but it will take some time to get over the pain, and some things will bring the pain flooding back for a little while yet. Let yourself cry as much as you need, there's no timetable to getting over the loss of a much loved pet, so be easy on yourself. Your baby loves you very much and you her. It is ok to have strong feelings about that.

Jewelsmama, I'm very sorry for your loss. Monday last week I had to have my beautiful 18 year old cat, Smidge, put to sleep. The circumstances were similar to your furbaby Jewel. She had been getting weaker for some time. Her legs gave out and she fell down the stairs trying to reach me. Every little thing triggers memories of her - even little things like setting my alarm clock. But for that I'm grateful, as I know my memories will fade and become fewer as more time goes by, so for now I will enjoy the memories even though they cause so much pain and so many tears.

Its ok. Jewel knows how much you loved her. They can feel your love as it lights even the darkest of times and it gives them comfort. You did the kindest thing you could because you loved her so much.
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