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Luna13

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Posts: 846
 #1 
I'm baffled.  Sometimes things happen and I'm just left lost, wondering if there's something very wrong with me.  I sent an email to my family and friends introducing Kona and telling her story.  Most of the responses I got were welcomes and well wishes.  Then my brother called me last night.  He lives in CA.  He has Luna's litter-mate sister Abbey (who is healthy and fine of course).  I had sent him my letter from Luna entitled "My Name is Luna" (I posted it last week I think).  I sent that to him because he has Abbey and knows how dear Luna was to my heart, and I thought he'd enjoy it.  When I answered the phone, his comment to me was "WHY did you write that?  That was a year 1/2 ago - why aren't you OVER HER??  Are you OK?"  I was speachless.  I had to hang up and compose myself before calling him back.  He was very nice and apologized for hurting me, but he was shocked when he read it and wondered if I was OK.  My only reponse to him was "well, maybe I am, maybe I'm not - I don't know.  All I know is I miss her with every fiber of my being every single day, and I'm not sure I'll ever be ok with her death."  How do you answer a question like that?  I know I have to move on (for lack of a better word), but as we all know here, we all "move on" at our own pace.  He said the letter made him cry because he too loved Luna, but he was just surprised that I was still so upset over her death, given the time that had passed.  My God, how could I NOT be upset??  She was my daughter, and she DIED!!  How could I not be upset about that?  I just don't understand people sometimes.  My brother is an avid dog lover - his dogs are very much his family.  But obviously they are not connected to his very soul like my babies are to mine.  I'm just so hurt.  I guess he didn't realize just how distraught I was over losing her.  He apologized over and over again - I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but it made me question my mental status.  I know I'm OK - I'm just heartbroken. But comments like that do make me wonder sometimes.  Kona has brought new life into our home and I do love her dearly, but I'm still getting to know her.  That will take time.  My heart may never truly heal after losing Luna.  I guess some people just don't get it.  I'm babbling - I'm sorry.  I just needed to VENT I guess - I know everyone here understands.  God bless you all! 

Gerlie (Gypsy and Luna's forever mom)
nickysmom

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Posts: 156
 #2 
Dear Gerlie,

We must all grieve in our own good time. My Nicholas died unexpectedly November 9, 2005 and I still mourn his passing. I have his older sister--Tess is now 14 1/2--and a new puppy but that doesn't lessen the pain of having lost what I consider the perfect dog. He was my kindred soul and not every dog becomes one to their owner.

Some of us mourn more deeply than others, whether the loss is canine or huma. Think of all the spouses who never remarry after losing a loved one while others remarry within a year. It's the same with our pets. Some of us never "get over" a loss even if we decide to love another. Some of us will never love another--it's a personal choice.

Take all the time you need to mourn yours. There's nothing to explain or to apologize for.

Nickysmom (still mourning after more than 2 years)
cheeseburgersmom

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Posts: 355
 #3 
I think those of us who have been fortunate enough to share a special bond with a cat, dog, or any animal, truly feel devastated when they are gone. They are part of our families, our friends, our angels, and indeed our heart. My cat Cheeseburger was my baby boy and my best friend; he will always be my special boy.

I have run into many people asking me when I am going to get another one or telling me I should get another cat. I guess they mean well, but I know they truly don't understand the connection I had with Cheese. My heart aches for him, I miss him so much, but I also know I was blessed to have his sweet soul in my life for 10 years. He gave me more love, happiness, trust and understanding than anyone I have ever known.

I read your post "My Name Is Luna." It is absolutely beautiful and Luna is so sweet - I love the picture you posted.

As much as I miss my Cheeseburger, I am trying so hard to find peace and comfort in his love and in the cherished memories I have of him in my heart.

This is definitely the place to come to vent your feelings, because all of us here care and understand what you are going through. We are here to listen to one another and support each other.

Dee >^..^<

Cheeseburger's Mom

cheeseburger1997@yahoo.com

http://www.catster.com/cats/790486

http://www.catster.com/group/Our_rainbow_bridge_angels-13931

myspace.com/cheeseburger1997




Dee + Cheeseburger = LOVE


HelenY

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Posts: 1,415
 #4 
Dear Gerlie-- I think that all of us here have been blessed with that special furchild that comes into our life and never leaves our heart.  We love all of our furbabies, but that one is indelible.  Maybe your brother hasn't found that special connection with that one "child" yet, and therefore, he might not understand about your grief and loss over Luna.  I've had many furchildren in my life and have loved them all and taken great care of them.  I've cried over them and remembered them with love, but Teddy was my heart dog and it's very difficult to explain to one who hasn't felt that deep connection with such a special pet.  I've never felt the overwhelming loss as I have had with her.  I'm sure we all feel that way here--that's why we're at this site.
   So what I'm trying to say is that your brother showed his compassion and apologized to you, and in turn, maybe you can see that he just doesn't understand YET.  Hopefully, someday he will.

    I will keep you in my prayers---Teddy's Mom(Helen)
katebock

Registered:
Posts: 686
 #5 
Dear Gerlie

You are not alone in your feelings.  Even though I have a new kitty in my life, I know that I will always miss my Gus and wonder why God had to take him from me.  This is really the only place I talk about him anymore because no one else understands.  I am so thankful for my PL friends. I wouldn't have made it this far without all of you.

Kate (Gus' mom)

NinaMariasMom

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Posts: 567
 #6 
Gerlie,

You are right, some people just do not understand.   We all must heal in our own time, our own way.   I don't think we fully heal, we just "move on".  It's hard not to express how much we love them and some people don't get it.  It's obvious that your brother didn't realize how you were feeling.  I'm sorry for what you experienced, but like you said, you are OK, just heartbroken. It doesn't matter how much time passes, they are a part of our hearts, we will forever miss them.  We all understand how you feel, you can come here anytime, we will listen. 

You will be in my prayers, 
Nina Maria's Mom
Becky57

Registered:
Posts: 657
 #7 

Gerlie, Your brother sounds exactly like mine.  My brother loved my dog and has cats and a dog and loves them, but I think he doesn't want to see me hurt so bad.  I finally told him she was my child and that is why I will never get past this.

soulsearcher77

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #8 
Dear Luna's love,

I understand your issue with people, some people not understanding the need to heal and again maybe we never fully loose that longing for them. I lost my cat Amber who was only 8 years old to a cayote 6-19-08. since then i hae had to struggle to enjoy myself, even on holidays, i am fine till i come home or think of her in the morning, when she would wake me up.

To me, cat, dog, human, they are similar. some people place more value on humans life, but i think a human bonding with a cat or dog has the same strenth and power of the two connected souls.

My mom said "hope your well" get a new cat.. People at work say you "REALLY" should get a new cat. Then i think of fun times with kittens but i really would rather have my cat, which i know is not possible. SO anyhow give yourself as much time in the world and dont let anyone make you feel different. We all have our own processes of healing, and really I understand

I am 30, with no kids so again my cat was like a daughter, and I can feel you when you say "MY DAUGTER JUST DIED" mine is gone and yours but hopefully we will find peace and not suffer as much as we are. I dont wish anyone this pain. I hope you find peace amist this hard time for you.

the shaved area is from a cat fight that beat her up in April, i was hoping to see her fully coated again.


drbones

Registered:
Posts: 111
 #9 
Boy, is this thread well timed.
I truly relate to what you are talking about.  I was having a rough time this weekend for a number of things, but the primary is that I was going to adopt two small kittens, but found out that I wasn't quite ready.  I phoned my mom, while I was crying, and bad move that was.  She told me I needed professional help and that I should be over Hank, as he wasn't my dad, my grandmother or my sister, he was just a "little cat".
Well, I feel kind of ripped off, actually, as I still miss him.  And this is coming from a lady who is still grieving over her dog that she lost 4 years ago.  How is THAT different?  I am glad I have  this site, like Kate said, as this is the only place that I feel like I can talk about Hank without being ridiculed.

maryjos

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #10 
I do believe that grief is something individual. I try not to say to anyone "I know what you are feeling" or "I know what you are going through" because every loss is different. I know people would tell me about their own pets that they lost, and I would immediately focus on the one thing that was different. They'd say "I lost my dog quickly like that, he was fine one day, and 48 hours later he was gone" and I would think, 48 hours! I would have given anything to have 48 hours with Taz (I literally had only a minute to spend with him and say goodbye after being told he was too far gone to save). And then other people don't even get that minute, but lose their pets to accidents...or to a wild animal. Every loss is different. And you know what, every love is different as well. I've never loved any animal the way I loved Taz, and I've known so many dogs, and he was just so special. I simply cannot imagine a time when I would *not* miss him terribly in my life. He was definitely a one in a million dog...and yet, I know just as well that there are millions of other "one in a million" pets out there! Many people go their entire lives though and own many pets and never really have that kind of special bond with one that many of us on here know about oh so well. I do think you have to be a special person and be able to open up your heart in a special way to have the kind of pain that many of us on here have at losing our pets. We know there's nothing wrong with it, and indeed it's a truly special, wonderful gift that just happens to come with a lot of pain attached. But like a mother losing a child, you never *really* get "over it". The loss is always there and some people might be able to deal with it quickly while others may take years to learn how to live with it. I wouldn't say anyone needs counseling unless you find it really is disruptive to your life, if you have true depression that effects your sleeping on a regular basis, etc. But just wanting to remember and talk about your loved one, that's totally normal! So whatever comforts you to do, that is what you should do, and don't feel guilty or abnormal for doing it.





Taz, Dearly loved by Mary Jo, 4/28/95-5/25/08
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WooWooWoo

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Posts: 5,100
 #11 
Dear Gerlie,

You said your brother asked, "WHY did you write that?  That was a year 1/2 ago - why aren't you OVER HER??  Are you OK?" 

I once read somewhere in some "self help book" that women just want to be heard when they are experiencing something emotional, but men want to FIX the problem as they are not usually as comfortable expressing, talking over, and dealing with their deep emotions.  Actually, I know some men who are, but my husband had real difficulty dealing with his feelings when his/our beloved, GSP, "Easy", passed.  He didn't even want me mentioning Easy's name for quite some time and I could hardly deal with that. 

So, my take on your brother's comments is a little different.  One clue is that the letter made him cry.  It dredged up his old emotions he had probably long buried and forced him to deal with them.  I think it also probably really bothered your brother to know his beloved sister was still suffering so much when he just wanted to think it had been "fixed". He may have also have been thinking since he has Luna's litter mate, he will be facing all the pain you are experiencing in the future.  It sounds like it was almost a gut level reaction on his part and that is why he apologized over and over when he realized his mistake.   I guess I felt for both of you when I read your post as I have a brother who lost his beloved dog just a few months before I lost Pepper.  And my brother is so dear to me.

Just thought you might want to hear another take on it from someone who has been through something similar. 

Hugs,
Melissa
MrMeowgy

Registered:
Posts: 763
 #12 
Dear Gerlie, my brother would have said the very same thing. He lost his darling cat a few years back and was very upset. I was very kind and understanding. When I e-mailed him about my beloved Mr. Meowgy passing he e-mailed me back "Now he is in Puddycat heaven" that was it. I didn't think it was cute, if that is what it was supposed to be. He has no idea how devastated I am. I would have to listen to the lectures too if he did.
Everyone deals with grief differently. You have no deadline to "get over it". Maybe you never will and that is quite likely. Don't question your sanity. Luna took a huge piece of your heart when she left for the bridge and now you are walking around with a hole in your heart. Of course we are different now, with pieces of our hearts missing. Please remember we all understand and are feeling pretty much the same over our losses. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Donna, Mr. Meowgy's mom
maryjos

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #13 
That's a really good observation. I don't have any men in my life I am really close to....my dad and my brothers are all really standoffish and I never was close to any of them the way I am with my Mom and sister. But I have noticed in the past that they do have these need to just "fix" things and not wanting to talk about it. So it's a good thing to remember. I have the problem though that I just tend to keep my pain to myself. I guess I know my mom in particular was really heart-broken over Taz's death and I don't want to upset her more by letting her know how sad and depressed I've been. I just think, what good would it do to make her even more upset, knowing how much I suffer everyday because of it? So I keep it to myself and just put on a happy face around other people even if I am just breaking up inside. These last couple days have been particularly hard for me for some reason, maybe because I've spent more time on this site than I typically do and that tends to bring up a lot of emotion that I guess I haven't fully gotten through. I'm very good at bottling up things and just not thinking about it.



Taz, Dearly loved by Mary Jo, 4/28/95-5/25/08
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sweetpepe

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Posts: 143
 #14 
"I do think you have to be a special person and be able to open up your heart in a special way to have the kind of pain that many of us on here have at losing our pets."  MaryJos said it so well. 

It's because we loved our pets so much that we grieve so deeply. 
maryjos

Registered:
Posts: 26
 #15 
Indeed. This quote was just recently left on my blog article about Taz:

Animal lovers are a special breed of human, generous of spirit, full of empathy, perhaps a little prone to sentimentality, and with hearts as big as a cloudless sky!
From a book called "Marley & Me-Life and Love with the worlds worst dog" by John Grogan

So true.

Mary Jo (Taz's Mom)


WooWooWoo

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Posts: 5,100
 #16 
Great book, "Marley and Me", but a tearjerker.  Soon to be a movie.

Melissa
Meriam

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Posts: 1,234
 #17 
Each and every animal that I have been owned by and continue to be owned by, be they cannine, equine, bovine, ovine,Llama and the small furries are adored and mourned when they leave me for the bridge. I must admit that some hurt more than others but the depth of mourning is still deep. My sympathy, some people do not understand that death is very much a part of life. Their reaction to you is callous because they are fearing death. Do not take them seriously, lean on your friends here at Petloss. Meriam
Nuggetsmum

Registered:
Posts: 251
 #18 
Hi Gerlie,

I am so sorry you had to hear that from your brother, that is just so horrible and unfair. Luna was your baby girl and your best friend. I just was talking about my Nugget and I asked my husband if he thinks of him anymore as he just acts so indifferent...he said no, that he doesn't live in the past...I just left the room in tears....I have lost my son and I feel so alone...I know how you feel...we will never get over this.

Love Nuggetsmum Alana
soulsearcher77

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #19 
what i have learned on death is it knows no favorites and you cant go back.
I guess loving and living wouldn't be as alive and meaningful if there also wasn't loss.

I thought, since my cat was 8yrs old. what if she lived longer? would she havve met (a child) if I was to have a kid? all these future things that even haven't happened in my life.

When i have talked to my dad and mom, I tell them i am ok but I still dont feel ok fully

I miss her so much around me, with me. I thought I made it ok this weekend, but nothing sometimes seems to take away the Hurt that just Lurks beyond my daily distractions such as work and recreation. do you relate to this Luna's or anyone?
Kristin

Registered:
Posts: 185
 #20 

I understand you, and I know everyone on this forum does. What's difficult is knowing that many people don't understand or simply can't empathize with the depth of our grief. I'm sure your brother meant no harm, but yes, it's disconcerting that he's not on the same wavelength are you are, concerning the loss of a loved one. People grieve at their own pace, and you don't "get over" the death, you simply try to "get through" it.

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