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Camistra

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Posts: 1
 #1 
9 days ago my world was turned upside down and my heart crushed into pieces. It's been the most horrific, painful, unreal and shocking week that now I know what hell on earth means. Not until today I could manage to even write a word about it,. It's still to raw and unreal to manage to write or talk about it, but.will try bit by bit.
Maybe I can somehow with my experience, be a small help for someone in a similar situation as me.
9 days ago o lost my true soulmate, only friend, child and emotional support. I never thought I was going to loose him at the age of 11,5 years, but that these couple of years ahead would be the new beginning that I have worked so hard to achieve.
This was my first and only dog, that to me was my world, it feels so unreal an painful that there are no words that can describe how shattered I am inside.
I.have lived to give him the most blessed life and adjusted everything after his needs and happiness, since he has been with me through so much, the bond that we share (still share and always will), became so strong, stronger than any bond I ever felt with a human, not even close.
Due to several severe crises and betrayals, and depression the last years, I became isolated and couldnt cope with people, I focused on giving the only one that was always there for me, faithful, loving, not jugding, comforting and real, everything I possibly could to show how much he ment to me and how he carried me these years.
My parents have always been there, and they know how strong our bond was, that to me, he was mmy soulmate and like my family, like my child and partner in life too.
Fits like my reality was shattered, the most unreal feeling, that really scares me. We spent almost 24 hours a day together, everywhere I went he was always by my side.
Its not strange then that the shock that totally knocked me to the ground, came instantly. Then the 1000 thoughts back and fourth trying to grasp that half of me is not here and beside me suddenly. The pain and kollaps came with full force the 5th day, when it started to sink in, the following days til now has been the most dark, terrifying experiences I ever been through and still is. If it were not for the anxiety pills, my parent that comes with something to eat, even though I can hardly man age to eat, and my spiritual faith, I would not be standing right now.
I hope that if someone reads this, that are due to different reasons, alone in life, or already in a dark or difficult place and struggle, they will feel that there is someone that is going through the loss under similar circumstances.
I try to read lots of griefrelated material on the internet, some help a bit, where a lot of ways thats suggested to help deal with the grief, is general. For example, to reach out and let friends support you, that is not the reality for someome (me either), that doesnt have a single friend due to different reasons. When your dog was that supportsystem, more or less, losing that plus everything else having to deal with is very hard. Same with isolation and lack of employment and so on, in my case I Studied from home for years, always put my dogs needs first and adjusted so he wouldnt have to be alone at home.
I hope these words can if nothing else, resonate with someone that feels that they are alone in this world and trying to cope dealing with an overwhelming loss. I. Dont know yet how to manage, but I take 10 minutes at a time, then 10 minutes more and so on. Reading about griefing, force myself to think about the good, happy, loving moments and days, forgiving myself for the bad moments, knowing that I did my best to show unconditional love and care, and recieved it back through everything. I force myself to not think about the stress, bad days and sad moments, because that only hurts me even more and is pointless to punish yourself more.
I feel like a drastic change of environment could help some, when able to stand a bit stronger, not escape the grief, but to be free from seeing everything around, no matter where you look, reminders of your life with your soulmate, moments and places. This is the hardest part för me. But I will fight to cope, to honor my Dino, even though I want to rather come with him, than live this life that scares me without him. But I could never to that to my parents, never, and my Dino would have wanted me to feel better, that and my faith gives the strenght to go on.
So thankful for.finding this forum, it makes me feel not so alone in dealing with everything.
Sending all of you a warm thought, and if I can stand, so can you, in your own way of coping.

choochoo

Registered:
Posts: 115
 #2 
Very sorry for the loss of your loved Dino.It sounds like he had a great life with you and shared a bond that few in life get to experience and you should be grateful for that.He was so lucky to find you to love and you to love in return.The loss can be so painful no matter how it happens whether its old age accident or having to put them to sleep when in pain.I have lost a boxer young 7 yrs old suddenly horrible when a tumor burst and recently put my 17 year old pug to sleep when her health became too much for her.Either way the pain and emptiness can be unbearable,try and think of all the happy times you shared and cherish the memories. You will always have that bond together even though he is not here anymore.so sorry and hope you will feel a little better but he had a great life and I’m sure he’s wagging his tail looking down at you now thanking you for your love and wishing you happiness again.take care 
kotabearsmommy

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #3 
I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved Dino.  I know how you are feeling.  I lost my precious Boy, Dakota, one week ago and I am shattered.  Nothing is right.  Nothing feels like it will ever be right again.  The house is cold and empty.  I used to take such comfort in my home and it is not the same place anymore.  I've cried a thousand buckets, I've pleaded to God, I've begged for him to be with me again but I know that is not going to happen.  I do believe that I will be with him again one day - and that day is going to be glorious because my soulmate and I will be together again & this time for Eternity.  Letting him go was the hardest decision of my life, nothing comes close.  But we could not let him suffer or risk him dying such a scary and painful way.  He had esophageal paralysis, which I've learned is somewhat common in older Golden Retrievers.  Looking back now, I can see how tired he was.  He was ready, I believe that.  But it doesn't make this hole in my heart hurt any less.  The grief is sometimes too much, it is all I can do to hold on and breathe.  I am reading books and listening to podcasts and reached out to a support group and even a grief counselor for help.  I cannot do this alone.  And I'm glad you have this place to share your love for your Dino.  I know at times it feels too much to bear.  I get it.  A big, big piece of me died with Dakota.  And I'll never be the same me.  And I don't want to be.

I believe we must walk through this grief in order to get out the other side.  There are no shortcuts.  I pray you will get to the other side too.  Sending prayers for you and your Dino.  <3
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