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Posts: 7
My Dearest Jingles,

Thank you so much my sweet boy for letting me know you made it home safe. That dear little meow in the night was just what I needed to keep on going. I am so grateful to have been your mommy for seventeen wonderful years, and I could not have asked for a sweeter, dearer kitty than you. Thank you for always being there for me in the midst of the raging storms, thank you for dancing with me in the rain, thank you for always helping me to find the tiniest bit of sunshine streaming through the clouds. We were quite the team, weren't we? You could always find those sparkling sunbeams, even on the cloudiest of days.

I tried so hard to protect you from the hurt and pain of this world, but the one thing that I could not protect you from was time. I always thought that you would live forever my dear little one, and I thought that no matter what happened, you would always be with me, until that awful fateful night when I held you in my arms, and you looked deep into my eyes because you knew, and you took your very last breath. As my hold on you became lighter, and my voice became fainter, I could just picture you walking into that warm, beautiful, radiant light. I wanted so badly to go with you my sweet baby, if there had only been a way, I would have walked right with you into that gentle night. The separation of that first moment when your spirit left your body is one that I will never, ever forget. I felt my heart literally shatter into a million tiny pieces, and I felt an emptiness and a darkness in my soul that defies description. It is almost as though the world had stopped turning, and all around me there was a deafening silence, except for the silent pain of my very soul.

"Love knows not it's own depth until the hour of separation", how poignant and true those words are. I was utterly and completely devastated, and all I wanted was to either bring you back to my world, or go with you into your new one. At that moment, I so desperately wanted to keep holding you in my arms, as we walked into that light together. I just did not know how I could ever exist in a world where you did not. But then I came to the realization that you are as close to me now as when you were physically here, and that you are only a breath and a heartbeat away, and each day that passes by, brings me one day closer to you. This is how I will live my life now, doing my very best and trying to help others, but counting down the days until I can hold you in my arms once again.

 Once I saw that you were having such trouble breathing, I asked God to please take you home, because I could not bear to see you suffer. I was getting ready to take you to the emergency clinic, but there just was no time, you became so sick so quickly, and then all of a sudden, you were gone. I cradled your sweet little self in my arms for quite some time, because I could not let you go, and I just wanted to keep holding on to you forever. Did you see my tears falling on you? Did you feel me holding you and rocking you? Did you feel me loving you beyond this earthly realm? I would never have wanted you to be scared or hurt because I was so broken, so I really do hope that as you walked beyond this world, that your brother Jasper and your sister Pootie Tang were right there to meet you, and guide you to your rainbow, the most brilliant and beautiful rainbow ever. I can just see your brother on one side of you, shielding you with his angel wings, and your little sister on the other side, giving you her tiny paw to hold, as you three walked into the amazing beauty of your new world together. My trio of angels... so missed, so cherished, and so loved. 

I hope you know that if I could have traded places with you, I would have, with no hesitation or trepidation. Everything I did in life, I did it for you. It was always about you my sweet baby. You were my first little one, and that makes you so very special to me in every way. There will never be another you, my darling little tabby cat, with the softest fur, the sweetest meow, and the most beautiful green eyes ever, you were my reason, my reason for waking up in the morning, my reason for coming home at night, my reason for simply being. How in the world am I going to do the rest of my life without you? How in the world am I still here, and you are not?
When you first came to me, you were such a tiny kitty, and from the moment I held you in my arms, my heart just melted, and I fell completely and hopelessly in love with you. I absolutely knew that you were mine, and I was yours, and there was no going back. Sometimes I feel as though I am just biding my time here, until I can see you again, not a good way to live one's life, but when you left, you took a part of me with you. My world and my life will never be the same without you. I will go through the motions and I will try to be strong and carry on, but all the while, I am really only waiting to be with you again my precious baby, and one day we will be together again, no more sadness, no more tears. And when I do run to you and scoop you up in my arms my sweet boy, one thing is for certain, I will never, ever let you go again. I want to thank you for choosing me to be your mommy, I will always and forever feel so blessed that I was able to know you and love you, even if only for a little while. You will always be my little piece of beauty and hope in the midst of someplace dark.

You lifted me up when my wings had forgotten how to fly, you carried me through so many hard times with your courage and your beautiful spirit. When I was lost and all alone, you would come to just lay with me, with your quiet and gentle sweetness, and when I felt that I could not go even one step further, you would come to me, and you would reach out that dear little paw to me, and you would purr ever so softly, and you would let me know that we could get through anything, as long as we were together. I know you are still so close my Jingles, sometimes I can still feel you all around me, our surreal and special bond cannot be broken. Hold on tight to the light and the love my darling little boy, and know that we are not really that far away from each other after all. Can you feel me reach out to you in the darkness of the night? Can you hear me when I look up to the Heavens and whisper your name? 

You my sweet little tabby boy truly wrapped yourself utterly and completely around my heart and soul, and you will be with me today, tomorrow, and forevermore. Thank you for choosing me, thank you for loving me, thank you for being my reason. God gave you to me for seventeen beautiful years, so many bright and shiny days we had together, and I know with absolute certainty that He is taking such good care of you for me, until I get there. I used to think that giving you back was the hardest thing I have ever done, but what is even harder is learning to live without you. Sending sparkles of light on the stars and hugs and kisses on the wind to you my dearest little one. As long as I am living, your mommy I will be, as long as I am living, my sweet baby you will be...

Posts: 839
Your beautiful post brought tears to my eyes. Especially the last ones. As long as we live they will always be our babies and we will always be their mommies and daddies. And I believe we will be together again, for all eternity. Thank you.

Posts: 7
Dear twinkiesmom,

Thank you so much for your very kind words about the letter to my Jingles. I also believe with all of my heart that we will see our babies once again, in a kinder, gentler place, and we will be with them for all eternity. The days are so long and the nights just seem so dark without them here. I just miss them so much, and even though time does eventually soften the rawness of it all just a bit, that empty spot is always there, that longing to hold them once again and be able to breathe in that sweet scent that was theirs alone. I cannot tell you the number of times that I have read that someone who has lost a beloved pet has so cherished a favorite blanket of theirs, and would sleep with it every single night, to feel close to them, and to be able to feel some much needed comfort at such a sad time. Take care and thank you again for writing, it really means so much to know that I am not alone in walking this long and relentless journey of grief. I wish you hope in your heart and brighter days ahead filled with the beautiful spirit of your precious and special baby.


Posts: 63
MySweetAngels:  I lost my beautiful boy yesterday.
Thank you, thank you for your amazing post.  You said everything I want to say, but just can't get out right now.

Posts: 7
Dear overwhelmed,

Thank you so much for your kind words about my letter to my Jingles. I am really glad that you were able to relate to my thoughts and feelings, which you are unable to write at this time, which is so understandable. I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet boy, and my heart truly goes out to you. I only wish that I had just the right message to help you make it through this struggle, but in reality there is none. I did read your post about your beautiful Ripley, and the love you have for him shines right through every single word you wrote, and so does your pain and sadness. Sometimes we have to feel broken for a time, in order for the light to come shining back through, but trust me, the light will always overcome the darkness.

I really do understand how difficult and devastating those six hours before you had to face such an awful separation must have felt to you. Five years ago, I had to say such a sad and unexpected goodbye to my beloved cat Jasper, who was only seven years old at the time. He was suffering from a brain tumor, and in three days he went from being the picture of health, to not being able to eat or even walk. I wrestled with my decision on what to do, but when all was said and done, I knew that I needed to pull out every last ounce of courage I had, and I had to love him enough to let him go. The hours leading up to this were excruciating, was I making the right decision? The doctor said there was absolutely no hope for recovery, and that he was so confused and hurting, and those words "confused and hurting" allowed me to do right by my boy. I could not stand by and watch him in pain, I could not stand by and see him suffer, I loved him far too much to ever knowingly allow him to be fearful and in pain. I would have traded places with him with no hesitation or trepidation, if only I could have. 

It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, but it was also the most loving last gift of complete love and sacrifice I could give to my beautiful little boy. I do understand, I really do, it is just an unbelievable sadness, one that never goes away completely, but with time eases up just a bit. So just know that you will not always feel this awful pain of separation and despair, and you will one day be able to say your Ripley's name without a catch in your throat, you will one day be able to look at his pictures without tears rolling down your face, you will one day be able to develop a whole new relationship with him, and even though you may not be able to reach out and touch him, you will always be able to feel him with your heart. He is still as close as you calling out his name. 

The love never ends, it just keeps getting stronger, and the bond cannot be broken. When your sweet boy first started his journey across that bridge, he did not feel any hurt or pain, because you were with him then, as he is with you now. I liken it to him seeing the sweetest little movie in his head, the first time your eyes met, the first time you held him, the first time he knew he was home. That is what they take with them, not the illness, not the fear, not the confusion of what is happening, but the love. He took with him the love you gave him for fifteen years. The last moments are just an insignificant blip to them, it is the day after day, night after night of devotion that they carry with them to their beautiful new world, of this I have no doubt.

In a span of five years, I have lost the three dearest little loves of my life, my Jasper who was seven, my Pootie Tang who was thirteen, and my Jingles who was seventeen. Through these deep and profound losses, I have come to realize that my sweet angels are as close to me now as when they were physically here. We have to believe and know that they are still so close, only a breath and a heartbeat away, and that somehow, someway, when we call out their name, they can still hear us, and they can still feel our love for them. I truly believe that when my journey here is over, that our eyes will meet once again in a kinder gentler place, and when I do hold them in my arms once again, this time I will never have to let them go. Until then I will talk to them, write to them, and let others know what a difference they made in my life and my world. They made me who I am today, and who I will become tomorrow. 

Please know that you and your Ripley are in my thoughts and prayers for peace, comfort, and healing. This journey of grief is so very hard and can seem relentless. I often compare it to the ebb and flow of the ocean. You may feel that you are doing well and have your feet planted so firmly on the shore, and then a rogue wave comes out of nowhere to take you right back out to the vastness and emptiness of the sea. It may seem so difficult to just try to keep your head above water, but just keep hope and faith in your heart, and know that our loving Father in Heaven will throw you a lifeline, and all you have to do is grab it and hold on tight. There have been so many times where I have taken three steps forward, and two steps back, but God has always been my refuge and my safe place in the storms of life.

 Grief is not an organized progression, it is so haphazard, and you can go through so many stages at one time. And most important of all, always know that there is no timetable for grief. You feel what you need to feel, when you need to feel it, and never let anyone tell you otherwise. Your love for your dear little boy validates every tear you shed and every single emotion that you go through. One day down the road, instead of mourning your Ripley's passing, you will be able to celebrate his life, a life so well lived, and a life so very loved. But until then, know that you are not alone, and that your boy's beautiful and loving spirit surrounds you still. May the sweetness and love of your special little boy light your path to brighter days ahead for you, and may he always feel and see that same radiant light, and be able to find his way back home to you. He will never ever leave your heart. Hugs to you and your Ripley at the bridge, MySweetAngels

Posts: 63
MySweetAngels: thank you, from the bottom of my heart for your words. You have the ability to truly speak from the heart. If you aren't a writer or in the mental health profession, you should be. I am truly blessed to have met you here.

I hope you are right that animals only take the good memories when they transition. I mourned Ripley for months prior to his death (yes I have a hard time living in the present). On the day of his scheduled euthanization...I did a lot of howling and sobbing. And as you know, cats are sponges when it comes to taking in our feelings. I could never control my emotions when thinking of his death and I fear that made his transition perhaps he felt he couldnt leave due to my mental state.

I am so sorry to hear you lost 3 precious souls in a short period. That is a lot to take in a short period of time..And with Jasper, to have an apparently healthy cat suddenly have a death sentence? That is so hard, I know from experience that the sudden and unexpected loss is so painful. But as you said, you didnt really have a choice and you did the right thing.

I am glad that you can feel them with you. I have always longed for that...but havent ever achieved it. I think I have too many mental blocks in place...another thing to work on.

Thank you again for your truly comforting words.
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