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zen

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #1 
Zen,
I talk to you every night since you have left, but I thought I would do something a little different.  I want to write to you here. Why? Cause you can come here and see it.

I miss you peanut.  It's now 10/12/2019, what does that mean? UGH!! You will be gone for 2 months on the 19th.  HOW?!?! Where did that time go? I feel like you were just here in my bed cuddling with me or laying on my lap on the couch or even playing with Dakota.  He misses you so much.  He walks the house looking for you and meowing really loud.  I hear your collar jingle in the middle of the night and wonder if I am crazy, making myself hear it. I have felt you walking on the bed and lay down next to me.  But when I turn expecting you to be there, nothing. :(

Sometimes I feel like I have betrayed you by trying to do the right thing.  Maybe I should have fought harder for you.  Maybe I should have pushed about this or that sooner.  You were MY FIRST pet.  MINE!!! That I was honestly able to be responsible enough for.  I was so proud to have you.  Which is why it was so hard to let go. But I could not let you be in pain anymore.  I knew if I did I was the selfish one at that point.  Keeping you for all the wrong reasons. I knew you were no longer going to be able to be you.  Was that fair to you? No.  You deserved to be free and without pain.

I do hope that you know that you were the best I could ask for.  I have seen that you have passed your traits to your brother.  He makes me smile cause I see so many things you taught him.

I do know one thing about you though, YOU ARE A SAVIOR!! You amazed me when you saved my friends kitty. I was so proud of you. I have actually began to think that you are the reason I have Dakota.  You in a round about way saved him by getting him away from where he was and to us. He is doing okay and becoming more and more like you with each day. 

Peanut, slowly I am getting a little better.  I know your 2 months I will break and crash.  But I be okay.  I do have your memorial area.  I light your candles often and just stare at it.  Cause it's you.  I also have a book that I have tribute to you and put things in it that remind me of you and have a photo book for you.  I am working on your tattoo.  I do think that will help me, a lot.  Cause then in more ways than one (I know you and Dakota are already tattooed on my calf) your spirit will be with me.

I will love you forever and always with my heart and soul.  I am sorry to have to say goodbye to you.  But I will remember that when I was with you till you were gone.  You were purring.  You were never mad or upset.  Always a happy boy. Thank you for being my son.  I will give Dakota so many extra loves for you.

Fly lil dragonfly!!

Till we meet again. I will write you again soon.  I promise.
JoeR

Registered:
Posts: 67
 #2 
Thank you for sharing.
KatyBechtel

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Posts: 3
 #3 
zen

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #4 
Zen,
Had a hard weekend without you. I'm learning what to do when I miss you so much I feel like I can't move. Things here aren't the same even though Dakota is here. I still think you are just around the corner. I am still healing. It's slow, but I think I'm getting better each day and week. Love you lil man. You're always in my mind.

Fly lil dragonfly. I'll see you again someday.
zen

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #5 
Hey lil dragonfly.... 3 months since I said goodbye. 3 months since I kissed your head. 3 months since I held you and looked into your eyes. I have candles lit in your memorial area. Watching the Wild game with your brother. Memories of you came up on my phone today.  I started crying. You were and still are my whole world.  We miss everything about you.  I made myself decorate and put the tree for Christmas cause you loved it. I am in the process of getting your tattoo done.  So excited to tribute you!! You are so worth everything!.  Love you lil man!! Fly lil dragonfly!
zen

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #6 
Hey my lil Dragonfly. Happy Thanksgiving.  Missing you SO much. I put on a brave face and made it look like everything was great. But deep down I was hurting so bad, I wanted to be around absolutely no one. I ate dinner, conversed.  But all I was thinking about, was you. I was not going to be coming home from my Thanksgiving with family and having you greet me with your brother. I could not give you your annual Thanksgiving dinner that you ALWAYS loved!! Makes me chuckle thinking about giving that to you. Peanut, you were never supposed to leave me.  I know that is not realistic. But I guess I never was prepared. I am getting your memorial tattoo in a month.  I am so looking forward to it. But right after that is Christmas. I already have your Christmas stocking hanging.  I cried when I hung it, I may get some of your favorite toys for Dakota to play with just in your honor. I know he loved the catnip banana. I am so glad you have it with you in your urn. You loved them.  I went through so many of them cause you would rip and destroy them.  But I would not change a thing about that or you. I hope Fred, Gizmo, Tammy and Nicky are nice and play with you and showed you around.  When it warms up make sure you come visit.  I know what to look for.  I am always on the look out for you. You are my lol red dragonfly the is always there.  Thank you.  This Thanksgiving, even though you are no longer by my side, I am whole heartily thankful for you in all you did and have done for me. You brought an amazing guy into my life even though you don't know him. I am also thankful that you have shown yourself so bright in Dakota.  I see you so much in him, it amazes and shocks me. You are still working true wonders.  I feel like I am drowning so many days.  But I have to keep trying to make it to shore.  I know some day I will make it.  The current can't keep me at sea, can it?

I love you Peanut!! Forever in my heart and always on my mind. You were my first son!!!

Fly Lil Dragonfly!!
zen

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #7 
Peanut (Who has become my lil dragonfly in passing),
Thanksgiving came and went. I was devastated. Christmas is almost here.  You loved this holiday.  All the lights and climbing the tree. LOL. You were always so young.  So many memories as I look at all these lights.  *sigh* Whats getting me through? Grandma and Grandpa got me what I needed.  Your memorial tattoo. Now everywhere I go (even though you and your brother were already tattooed on me), you are with me.  Link below for anyone that reads this.

https://www.petlossmessageboard.com/album?action=show_picture&fileid=4936079

I have felt a sense of peace since I got it. I can feel you with me.  I feel a new form of happiness I haven't in a long time.  Yes I still cry for you that you are gone.  I will always wish you are here.  But I will always carry you with me now and I can hold it up to my heart as I do often.  Cause you will ALWAYS be there.  Love and miss you very much Zen.  I know you are watching over me, Grandma and Grandpa.  You, Fred and Gizmo are amazing.  Fly lil dragonfly!!!

Love Mom!!
zen

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #8 
Zen,
You amaze me all the time. Even in your passing.  Even though I am conflicted that I feel like I am betraying you, even though I am not. I am feeling so much love that I brought home a dog yesterday named Willow. She's amazing.  I believe you sent her to me.  You knew I wanted a dog and she is so great. I honestly did not know that I could love like this since you passed. But my heart it so full of joy and love. I am always thinking of you and all of our great times we've had. I will always be sad we had to say goodbye, but you brought me Willow.  Thank you.  Fly lil dragonfly.  Rest now.  She will take care of me.  Go play and you can just keep an eye on me.  You don't have to take care of me anymore.  My pain is subsiding, but it will never go away. You are always my first son.  Love you forever and always.  I could not have asked for a better cat.  Dakota is actually taking to Willow pretty good.  You must be talking to him.  Cause we both know how he normally is.  Thank you for that help.

Rest up Peanut. You have worked so hard in your 4 months. Everyone loves and misses you.
zen

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #9 
Zen, its almost 5 months since you left. We did our last goodbyes. I think about you often. Miss you so much. I wish you were still here. But I think you had me meet and bring home my dog Willow. She's great, but I still wish I could have done more for you. I ask myself all the time if I did enough, could I have done more or something different. I know you are in a better place and we will meet up again when the time is right. Love you peanut. Fly lil dragonfly.


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